singing in the rain

where is God

2012-02-05T11:26:00.000-08:00

So last night I went to bed begging God to do something anything, I really feel like maybe I'm not worth listening to anymore. It has been ALONG time since I wrote anything here and I feel the need to again write, more for myself then anyone else. Things with my oldest daughter have a again come to a head, I'm not really sure what on earth happened this time, the only thing I know is she is not talking to me again, apparently because I wanted to talk to her. Like an actual talk where we talked about things going on in her life. There was no argument after that unless call her calling and cussing at me and me telling her when she could talk to me in a respectful tone I would talk until then I guess we couldn't talk because I WILL NOT ALLOW ANYONE to talk to me like that especially my own child. Side note I am 33 and have NEVER and will NEVER talk to my parents like that.The last thing I heard from her 2 weeks ago was shut the he** up in a text message. After that no responses to texts (besides the few the hubby received with harassing messages ) and not answers to my calls. Now before you say but she's 16 and your her mother you need to love her. Let me tell you I do love my daughter I would give my life for her in a second, I am here, I'm always here for her. I still cannot allow her to cuss at me because I'm her mother not her friend.
Like I said at the beginning of this post I went to bed last night begging God to help me, help her, I have tried EVERYTHING.....I mean EVERYTHING to fix all this, as long as I'm willing to be her friend all is well in her world, once I say no or disagree with something she does all he** breaks loose.
As i feel asleep i remember thinking that's it I'm not worth God's time anymore and I'm probably on my own...... This morning we went to church for the first time in MONTHS.....(okay we went on Christmas eve, but other then that...it's been a while) I don't feel like I belong anywhere and I don't want everyone to know my problem/secret I wear it like a Scarlet letter.

What is my problem you ask......Depression......in a HUGE way.......It is like a deep dark pit, you can't even see the light, you know it's there but how do you get to it, alright so I'm gonna share my depression story. Depression has always been apart of my life for various reasons though it really raised it's head after my first daughter was born you see she was roughly 4 months old when I found my baby Daddy with another women, I came home unexpected and caught him with her and my world literally fell apart. I remember standing in my front yard at 2 am with this person who was my EVERYTHING, my babies Dad,my best friend, the person I loved more then anything. I remember looking him in the eyes and saying you have to make a choice her or me......he said I want you both. He couldn't choose me so it was over, and my heart broke, the world stopped spinning in that moment, i hurt so much how could this be happening, He left and I was alone. For a whole week all I did was cry, I didn't shower, I didn't look after my baby ( my Mom did thank God for her) Finally she said to me after that first week, you have to stop you cannot keep doing this life goes on, and she was right, I picked myself up by my boot straps and kept trudging, so at 18 I moved out of my parents house, I worked, and worked hard to finish school. And I did, then I ran into my now husband. I have known my husband since I was 12 but had not seen him in a few years. A total fluke or an act of God. Anyhow the romance started and roughly 6 months later we were married (quick I know but one of the best things I have ever done.) That is when things start to get worse you see we were expecting a baby, and at 39 weeks and 6 days my water broke, when we got to the hospital there was no heart beat and instead of having a baby shower we had a funeral, instead of a son we got a 2 foot plot in the cemetery to say my world stopped is an understatement, i don't remember much of the following 6 months. I do remember taking it one minute at a time, then one hour at a time, then one day at a time, and so on. It was hard, really hard. I think it took a full 6 years for me to be able to say I do not wish my son back, I miss him. I wish I could just have 1 hour with him. But he has the best life and he is pain free and He is happy. I do not want another life for him. At this point my depression was still manageable I had rough spots but for the most part it was okay.
Then we got preggers with our youngest son, for him i wanted a drug free birth and to breast feed. None of that happened, after 12 hours my hubby couldn't handle seeing me in pain and order drugs. Then Brycen didn't nurse and that was a flop. I felt like a failure, and the depression gradually got worse to the point where I needed help. I saw a variety of doctors / phycharists. then things went really wrong, my children were diagnosed with PH 1 I spent days awake all night long crying and begging God to spare my children. and things got worse, i worked overnights and daughter rebelled and my deprssion got worse. I know how and where I would end my life , I have had times where I sent out a suicide note to family and friends ( which I then erased before my hubby could see it ). I have written letters to my children so when i die they have something from me. I hate having a plan, I wish I could be like "normal" people who don't think like that. It has been a VERY long road and it has been very hard.
I am so thankful for my husband and my family, I know I have the support when I need it, if only in my time of need I had the ability to reach out for it, however when I feel like that I don't reach out. And by feel like that I mean feel like life isn't worth living like I could just die and be done on this earth and that is how i feel, I have a hard time keeping in touch with people because i don't feel like I am worth anyone time. So I don't reach out, there are days where if I didn't work I would not get out of bed. Now my depression is not nearly as bad as it was as long as I take my anti depressants.

Fast forward to today, last night I went to bed begging God for help, this am we went to church and Guess what God spoke in a HUGE way, first my sisters sister in law walked up to me a gave me a huge hug, I needed that, second the sermon was about dark days, and how God is there and is working, i think God was telling me yup he's there, and yup he still cares. So I will allow God to work in not only my life but Ashton's life, I love my children I would give my life for thgem. I love my husband and am so thankful for all his support he has always been there for me always, at the drop of a hat and i love him for that. I am also so thankful for thier support.

I do not however love depression I will not give my life to it, instead I will work to heal from it and allow God to work in my life.

age???

2011-10-12T11:04:00.000-07:00

I have never been one to worry to much about how old I am getting, mainly because I have been a Mom since I was 17, and when you become a Mom your suddenly responsible for another person, so I`d like to think I have always been more mature then your average teen. For one I was never a partying,drinking kinda girl I had a baby at home and if I didn`t look after her no one did (since her dad was so much help)
anyway, a few weeks ago it suddenly hit........I AM GETTING OLD.....now I am not very old yet (the ripe old age of 33). Now you may be wondering why I began thinking of my age. Last week my uncle died and it hit me that in fact I am old enough to be losing my aunts and uncles, and it`s scary.......the other thing is that my daughter will be turning 16 this month, how scary is that......I cannot believe that I am old enough for all this to be happening.
Now as I age things change I have never been allergic to anything in my life....as I hit 30 that seemed to change, I cannot be around when my dad treats his yard for dandelions, I had a severe allergy attack at the cabin this summer....I`m talking swollen, watery eyes.....sneezing it was horrible thankfully my mother in law came to me rescue with some allergy eye drops. Same with my back a few years ago I feel from a ladder and for the most part I have been okay, but recently my back has hurt alot, one slight wrong move and I feel it for days.......There are other things that you guys don`t wanna know about, but yup I am getting old and theres no stopping it!!!

memories.......

2011-09-03T19:03:00.000-07:00

As it sometimes happens today I am missing my Mackenzie, I don't know what brings it up, but today is one of those days. I just wish I could hold him, I wish I could see him breath, I wish I could see those eyes. I wish he could know his siblings. I wish I could stop the hurt. Now please don't get me wrong, I don't wish him back to earth, really he has the best life. He is in heaven with his maker, I can only imagine how wonderful his life has been there. I just wish for 1 hour, just 1 hour just for him to hear my voice, to see his eyes.

It seems not only has this sweet boy been on my mind he has also been on his siblings minds, J'naya this past week asked if we could please go visit her brother, I asked what she meant and she said I wanna go see Mackenzie please Mom. So today we went to see him. They did not know where we were headed, but as soon as we turned off the highway ( the cemetery is on a dirt road, off one of the main highways near here.) onto the dirt road, Brycen yelled we're gonna go see Mackenzie. Once there Brycen announced that we are to buy Mackenzie a head stone that stands up ( we only have a flat grave marker.) We then had to explain that the section where Mackenzie sleeps is only for flat markers we are not allowed to have an upright marker. He seemed okay buy this but they all want to bring him gifts so maybe I need to take them shopping to let them pick something to share with their brother. I started this post a while back and didn't post it, because i don't like being judged for still feeling this way but then when J started asking about him I decided to go ahead and post it.

As we were driving down the road to see our sweet son, it dawned on me that I never rode in a car with this baby outside my body, the only "car" rides this sweet boy ever had were both done by the funeral home. I should have rode in the car with him. He did not go to the grave site in a hearse , he was so small he was in the back seat of a car.

I love you sweet baby and we all miss you <3

summer

2011-08-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted, what have we been up to this summer? Well my in laws have been building a cabin so we have spent a few weekends out there camping and helping. The kids love spending time in the lake and playing on the beach. We also went camping with my family, it was a blast. We had a great weekend. W
My sister has had a busy summer moving almost 4 hours away, so we spent a Saturday helping her move some stuff and un pack the stuff we moved. As far as I know her little family is all moved in and unpacked. The kids have had their 6 month appointment with the doctor, the ultrasound showed calcium deposits in both children's kidneys, this means more water, the question is how do we do that? I think I have an idea I'm gonna get a chiming clock, that way when the clock chimes it's time for water. I think this may help increase the amount of water they drink. However Tony had a spot in his kidney we were watching and it seems to be gone, so that's good news, instead of becoming a problem it seems to have past. Both children's kidney function is still normal, so no worries there. We are still waiting on the kids EKG results, and the 24 hour urine, but all seems to be going well.
The kids also went to kidney camp at camp Stephens last week, they loved it. J was worried about going and shed some tears, but they are so excited about going again, that's all they talk about. I'm glad they had so much fun, the also learned alot about kidney disease and meet a bunch of kids who also had kidney issues.
what else have we been up to? Not much really though we have spent ALOT if time down in the pool, the kids LOVE that pool. In fact I think we will make use of it again today.

your thoughts???

2011-08-01T04:27:00.000-07:00

I don't know if anyone follows this blog...I know I seem to rant like a crazy lady......though I'm really not (yup I keep telling myself that :-) ) anywho......I have an important question and I want truthful answers NO answer is gonna hurt my feelings I just wanna know how others think/feel about it.

That being said you all know I have 5 children.......four live on earth with me, and one (the lucky one) lives in heaven with Jesus, and his 2 great grandmas,a great grandpa and a handful of aunts/uncles ( I told you he's lucky). Now.....here`s my question. If you were his earthly Grandma and you were getting a gift that had each grandchild's birth stone on it would you want to have his stone included.....I`m a wondering if it would be to painful to have to answer the questions about the said child or if it would be okay to add him.

Just so we are clear this is a gift I would be buying for my mother, I just wanna know how all you out there would feel about it. Since he is my child I would be offended if I received a gift that did not include his stone he is my son, even though he`s not here. I just don`t wanna make it harder on my mother by always having to explain. There have been comments about how she has 6 grand kids when in reality, she has my 5, my sister`s 1 and my brothers 1....so I always am reminded that my dead child does`nt `count`............So I really want answers folks.......would you as the Grandmother want him included ÉÉ (sorry my computer things it`s Spanish again)

warning tear alert*

2011-07-30T18:12:00.001-07:00

Still

WHAT DO YOU BEILEVE??

2011-07-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

Recently I was asked what do you believe?? In the middle of a conversation about faith.......I had to stop and think about that for a second. Now I grew up in a christian home. I went to church EVERY Sunday. As a teen I was baptized, I believe Jesus died for my sins......I believe that Jesus rose again. Jesus is my savior. However I feel betrayed, did he forget about me? Why do all the bad things happen to me? Now I'm not talking about bad things, like this horrible tooth ache I've been dealing with, I'm talking a dead child......children with a horrible disease.......a child who can't stand me most days. I WANT A BREAK. I want to feel not forgotten. I want to feel like I belong in a church, I want, I want, I want........Maybe some of this is my problem I want and I haven`t given God the opportunity to show me what he wants. Really never even thought about that until I wrote this...........Really just now.............Maybe I need to start asking what do you want from me?

Light bulb moment?

weight loss

2011-07-19T08:18:00.000-07:00

I have started a weight loss journey.....I purposely didn't tell folks when I started because I didn't wanna flop. However I did start losing some weight 5 lbs to be exact.......I'm thrilled. I started with baby steps, 3 weeks ago I stopped drinking regular pop (I try not to drink pop at all but sometimes I drink diet), then I started to walk stairs when I can instead of taking the elevator. I won't tell you how much I weigh though I will tell you I have roughly 80 to 100 lbs to lose. Besides the 5 pounds that are gone I have noticed that I have ALOT more energy, So in the grand scheme of things 5 lbs is not alot, but still it's 5 pounds less then 3 weeks ago!!! Woot...woot..... I'm thrilled hopefully I can keep it up.

Happy birthday Mackenzie

2011-06-30T21:02:00.001-07:00

Yup today is the day........13 years. How do I feel today? Ummmmmm overall it was an okay day. We started it by shipping the other kidlets off to school. Then we headed to the cemetery cause that is where I have to go to wish my son a happy birthday. I wish I could take him in my arms just for a minute and hold him. I wish I could hear his voice just for a second, I wish I could feel his warm breath on my face. I wish I could watch the rise and fall of his chest. Most of all I wish I could see his eyes.....I never got these things with this sweet child. Our son silently entered this world...did not utter a sound...never took a breath....never got to hear me tell him I love him......doesn't know what it feels like to be hugged by his mom. For the other children I did a "things I love about them" one for each year. I don't really know where I would even start for Mackenzie, cause.........I don't know him.

This year I would have had two teenagers.....instead I have one teen (who can't stand me and won't talk to me) and a 1foot by 2 foot grave in a cemetery.

I miss my son, I wish he was here. I know he's better off where he is ( at least I can't screw him up right) I understand that there is a good reason that God took him( more on that in a latter post...cause I just don't have the energy for that today)

Most of all I wish that he wasn't ignored, it hurts more to think that people pretend that he wasn't then if they picked up the phone and said how are you. Okay even just a message anything HE IS MY SON...... No amount of years will ever change that, in 30 years I will cry for him, cause he's my son just like Tony and Brycen are my sons. Just cause he didn't breath doesn't make him any less human.

He was a real boy.....he was here....I miss him.....I love him.....I will never not miss him....his picture will never be put away......June 30, will always be the saddest, loneliest day of the year for me. Nothing will ever change that.

We love you Mackenzie Wade, we miss, We are waiting to see you again some day!!

hit hard

2011-06-27T17:27:00.000-07:00

boy did we get hit hard this last week. It started with Brycen he coughed and coughed and coughed. He had a sore throat and a fever. It was so bad that we took him to the walk-in (we do not have a pediatrician/family doctor) we even missed his kindergarten grad it was either we miss that or have to take him to the e.r. I did not want to do either one but in the end the walk in was our choice. Then Miss.J she coughed but not nearly as bad. We did vaporizers (cool mist...Tony and J can not have anything other then Tylenol so no cough syrup and no Vick's) and propped the mattresses. then came the hubby and me. Now if the hubby would not be so stubborn it probably would not have been so hard but instead of taking 1 sick day he kept going to work and ended up suffering. He has been the sickest of us all. Coughing, puking, headaches....you name a symptom he had it.

I organized my first ever Christmas ornament exchange. I was hoping for 4 or 5 people to sign up. I was quite excited to see 20 people sign up and the numbers kept growing. I started to get worried. The final tally.......204. I hope everyone keeps their end of the bargain, and stitches their ornament and sends it. I have been preparing for the worst case scenario and stitching like mad so that if someone doesn't get and ornament I can send them one that I stitched so they will get one. If alot of people don't follow through I"m in BIG trouble.

fathers day

2011-06-19T16:35:00.000-07:00

so today is fathers day.....what a shitty day. Last night I did not sleep like at all 7 am rolled around and I was still awake. So I did have a small snooze and went to a family gathering. Of which my oldest daughter did not attend. She hates me. All those years of Jeff getting USP driving Ashton to school at 4 am, cleaning up her puke when she was sick, etc,etc. Jeff did all the things Ferd would not. Jeff stood up and took Ferd's place when Ferd couldn't me man enough. Only to have Ashton turn around and demand his insurance number, not even a happy fathers day. Then I call to say sorry for somethings I said a few weeks ago and I get blasted. Where is my daughter where is that wonderful caring girl I raised? When do I get her back. Instead of this person who is totally brain washed by someone who really most her life didn't give a rip. If he really had cared then he would not have spent her childhood taking her to car shows and hanging with dope heads. He would have done kid things. But alas none of that matters because I'm an F***ing B***** who does not deserve to have children.

It all makes me so sad. One day It will be to much and I will give in and find a bridge and be done with this hell I call life. Maybe then someone will love me. i just don''t know what else to do to make this hurt all stop and I'm about done trying.

abc's of me!!!

2011-06-13T15:19:00.000-07:00

A - Age: 33
B - Bed size: queen Size
C - Chore you hate: dishes
D - Dog's name: Gracie but i had to give her away ...I miss her
E - Essential start of the day item: Toothbrush & toothpaste, can't eat or drink a thing till i have cleaned my teeth.
F - Favorite colour: purple.
G - Gold or Silver: Silver
H - Height: 5'6"
I - Instruments you play: organ....yup organ had lessons for 8 years played in church till I was shunned
J - Job: building care taker
K - Kids: 5 4 on earth and 1 in heaven
L - Living arrangements: 3 bedroom apartment
M - Music you love: Mercy me I can only imagine
N - Nicknames: don't have any won't share what I was called as a kid it was mean.
O - Overnight hospital stay at hospital:only when I had my babies
P - Pet Peeve:back talk.
Q -Quote from a movie: Two weeks!!!!!!
R - Right handed or left: right
S - Siblings: Sisters 1 , Brother 1 all younger then me.
T - Time you wake up: 6:30
U - Underwear: comfy
V - Vegetable you dislike:asparagus
W - Workout Style: avoid it
X - X-rays you've had: yup on my wrist and hip
Y - Yummy food you make: lasagna.
Z - The best place to visit:somewhere warm

that was easy

2011-06-06T15:47:00.000-07:00

Since I am the "universal" blood type I have decided to donate blood. Now the first time I went it took a long time, like and hour long time. So since you can donate every 56 days, today was my next appointment. However my hubby is working evenings so I had to drop him off at work, and pick him up again at 10 so that I can have the car. Now this isn't the worst part, the worst part was that I had to take my youngest 3 children with me, this SCARED me. I couldn't get anyone to watch the kids for me ( which is why the hubby and I NEVER go on dates) anyhow off we go. Jeff told the kids that if they behaved he would take them to bdi (the bridge drive inn) for ice cream and the could have anything they wanted. The kids were super great , the appointment went fast (1/2 hour) It was a breeze!!

I also had a chance to have a good friend over whom we have not seen in a long time. It was good to have her and her girls over, enjoy a meal together and catch up. I look forward to spend more time together. We also spent an evening playing at the playground with Owen. i wish I knew how to load pics on this laptop, so I could add pics. The other plus for this weekend is that I got to hold Trayten all through the church service and Even rock him to sleep. AHHHHH Auntie blis!!

hi, ho, hi, ho a camping we will go

2011-05-27T10:28:00.000-07:00

the first camping trip of the season was great. We went camping at the in laws "cabin" well shell of a cabin, we stayed in our camper. Friday we left it was nice and sunny out. My father in law brought the kids bikes out in the back of his truck. So while I set up the camper the kids rode bikes and the hunny helped his parents. AHHHH vacation! The camper was used last fall by someone other then us and left VERY dirty when packed up so I cleaned all this and got it all ready for night time. Saturday it drizzled all day but it wasn't horrible, we had put up a tarp over the fire area when we got there so we could all sit around the fire and not get wet. Of course the kids still played either under the over hang of the roof ( when it was raining to hard to ride bikes) or they rode their bikes. They had a blast and since we didn't have access to showers we sponge bathed the kids before bed, I warmed their socks by the fire and they crawled into bed toasty warm. their runners were so wet that we set them out next to the fire to dry for the next daySunday dawned bright and sunny and we had a great day running and playing in the sun. Then Monday morning it was so cold we decided to pack up and go home. All in all it was a great weekend and we had tons of fun!!
and course we were joined by our very first niece Amira Shea at 5 weeks old I could not get over how "old" she looked!! Wise beyond her weeks!!

nothing right?

2011-05-16T17:47:00.000-07:00

It seems no matter what I do it's never right. I don't get it. I talk to folks I say the wrong things. I don't talk I'm ignoring them!! I don't know what is right anymore? Ugh why is everything so hard?

So we call the pharmacy to get the kids meds and again there's a problem. they didn't make them, so we ask for them to be made and today we get the call that one of the ingredients will not be here until Thursday or Friday, so again we wait. Then there's the oh yeah you know how much this will cost per kid right? me: yup I know.Them: But that's per kid. Me: yup I know.Them: these drugs will not be covered by your plan you will have to pay out of pocket. Me: yup I know Them: you still want us to make them? Me:yup flavored please! :-) Every month we do this however we had to change pharmacy's as the old one couldn't get these drugs anymore and this on will compound them for us. So I guess with time they will stop asking. I did however get the kids their vitamin d on sale they have to take 2000 iu each day and I always buy the jamieson brand ones ( less additives then the others) and I buy the chocolate soft chews they are more expensive but I ALWAYS check cause they go on sale about every 3 months and then they sell for $3.99 (instead of $8.99) so of course I always buy 2 or 3 to last the next three months!!

We had the party, it went well. The kids all came here. We then went to the school play ground and had a picnic, teddy bear shaped sandwiches, watermelon and a verity of veggies and dip. Then back to the apartment for cupcakes, and gifts and then back downstairs with Popsicles to wait for parents.
Six reasons I love Brycen:

1. That lazy smiles he ALWAYS gives us when we wake him up.
2. The way he pretty much knows how everything works around here cause he's with me all afternoon.
3. His willingness to always give me hugs and kisses. (I love those)
4. His love of fruit and veggies. (He'd be okay with carrots all the time)
5. How much he loves his friends and school.
6. How much one on one time I still get with him. I'll miss this once he's in school full time!

introducing............

2011-05-01T15:06:00.000-07:00

Bonnie.......

and clyde.....

and what on earth is this about?????

it's just May 1 after all why would we be surprise about a snow storm?? Last week plus 20 and shorts this week minus 3 and frostbite!!!

what am I up to??? who can guess??

I haven't done a post for Brycen's birthday but I'm saving it for his party in a few weekends, it has had to be delayed because of easter, Jeff working weekend over nights (he would not appericate 16 5year olds in the apartment while he tried to sleep :-) ) and then mothers day but it's coming!!

so we have another addition to our silly things we say to our kids todays is "brycen, get off the dryer.............now get out of the dryer!!"

and last but not least we did redneck moving and now.........
redneck laundry!!

Dear Ashton

2011-04-29T17:23:00.001-07:00

Dear Ashton,
Life has not always been easy for you and I , but through it all you and I were together. I wouldn't change any of it cause I love you. I know that this last year has been VERY hard for both of us, alot of what we have been through is cause of some of the choices we have made. It doesn't matter though cause I love you. Some of it is because of outside influence. Again it doesn't matter cause I love you. There have been things said and done by both of us that have hurt our relationship, and we can't seem to find our way back. It doesn't matter because I love you. I want to have a good relationship with you cause I love you. I want to be able to pick up the phone and chat with you, but I can't cause your angry and won't talk to me. But I still love you. The last time we talked you said VERY hurtful things to me. But I still love you. I want you to be able to come over and follow the rules, not not speak disrespecting everyone. Cause I love you. I want you to be successful in all you do. Cause I love you. I want you to know that I am here for you when you decide that I'm worth it, cause I love you. Mostly I want you to know that no matter what I will be here for you when you graduate, when you Marry, when you have kids, when you sick, whenever you need me, even if you don't want me to because I love you. I also want you to know that I am not proud of some of the things you have said and done..........but I am proud of you, but most of all I want you to know that.......

I LOVE YOU!!

if I was a drinker.......

2011-04-21T08:02:00.000-07:00

I would be getting drunk right now.

we moved recently, I called the government offices to let them know. Someone screwed up so I did not receive my child tax payment. Normally not a huge deal. We can manage without it. However this month of all months. I NEED that money (but I can't get it) You see, my kids prescription is sitting at the pharmacy waiting to be picked up (no it is not covered by insurance it's "herbal" so it doesn't count....never mind that it is saving they're lives who cares still not covered) and we are talking $250.00 worth of drugs. No I don't have that right now. Not only that but we had work done on our car and it is sitting in the shop waiting for us to come get it ( can't didn't get the money) the car insurance that's coming out of our account today........no funds to cover it. All because someone in a high paying government job F***** up. How oh how will I fix this??

Where is that damn money tree.....I NEED $250.00 just for a little while please oh please money tree.

busy days

2011-04-09T14:29:00.000-07:00

It has been VERY busy around here.......it was spring break last week and myself and my sisters took all the kidlets to the museum of man and nature. We all had great fun.
Though mister Trayten slept through alot of it :-) the only thing missing was my Ashton. However we did family pics and Ashton was there they are GREAT!!! I wish I could post pics but my scanner is not working!! :-( They turned out very well and I love them!!

what you don't see in this pic is that Trayten spit up all over as this was snapped!!

Owen LOVED these pillows my sister in law kept piling them on him and he thought it was great!!

the kidlets checking out the exhibits!!

the five kids all together!!

The other thing I have been busy with is my fabric stash.....Having moved 4 times in a year (ouch that's ALOT of moves!!) the fabric was EVERY where!!! Not any more!!!

this is what I did: the closet closed then:
you get this when opened.......
then the fabric is wrapped on cardboard "bolts"

the small bolts are fat quarters and samll pieces, the larger bolts are larger then fat quarter sizes.

and there we have it

2011-03-19T19:15:00.000-07:00

So the kids had their appointments at children's clinic today, it was better news. J'naya's numbers went way done from over 2000 to 900 ( still almost double what they want ot at they'd like it at about 550) Tony's numbers didn't really change still just over 900. Plan of action?? Eye appointments.......EKG's ( to see if the oxalate is doing any damage)....... ultrasounds (to see if there are kidney stones forming). so all in all the Dr. does`t think we`ll be able to get the levels back to `normal`so we may just have to live with what we got! She did suggeste i go on the mayo clinic website to `talk` to parents who also deal with PH1 , she also wants me to see if there is anyway we can all go to the `gathering`of the Ph 1 patients that happens every year however the last one was last summer and in new york (yup can`t afford that) so we will see! Now a BIG problem is finding a pharmacy that will make the K-citra for me so far no luck if I can't find one then I'll have to call the doctor and get another new me.

In other news.......the kids brought home report cards this week Good news all around.....Nothing below a 3 (back in the day that would be a C) and we brought home a pile of 1 ( that would be A's) so they all did well. Well the three that still live at home did the one that lives with her Dad did not show me her report card....I'm not allowed to see it....Daddy says so...I'm also not allowed to punish her.....again Daddy says so. I wonder if Daddy forgets that I carried that child in my body for 9 months, I did EVERYTHING for her for 14 years and now I am nothing.....Anyhow I guess you can see how that is going basically she is being "brain washed" by Mr. Wonderful. I'm still not sure how to handle all that.....All I want is my Ashton back....I miss her ALOT!!

a day in the life

2011-03-09T10:11:00.001-08:00

a day in the life of me. Lots of people have asked me what I do all day well here goes:
7:30 am: I go downstairs check the laundry room, clean, sweep and mop. Every six weeks I also close the laundry room for the morning and pull out all the machines and clean underneath them.
from there I go to the lobby and sweep, mop and vacuum. I also clean the windows on the doors, I wipe down the railings on the ramp, and wipe down the furniture. It amazes me how many people must allow their children to climb on their sofas at home with their shoes on, cause their are ALWAYS little foot prints on these sofas. Just cause they don't belong to you does not make it okay!!
I also sweep, mop, and vacuum the ramp leading to the parkade, and check the stairwells and sweep and mop them if needed.

I then go to the center stairwell and clean it ( it's a royal pain cause the stairs have grooves and in order to clean them I have to vacuum.)

from there I go upstairs and I either sweep and mop in front of all the elevators or i vacuum 2 full floors. However I like to switch it up......I was told one day I was late. I don't like to be told when to do things so I try to keep people guessing.
I do get a 20 minute break in the morning which I usually don't take.

Then I get my lunch.
at 12:00 am I take the phone for my manager so she can go on her lunch (I'm on call everyday from 12:00-2:00)

After lunch I do whatever job I didn't do in the morning.(either sweep and mop in front of the elevator's or vacuum the floors) When I do in front of the elevators I also clean the elevators.
and dust the fire hoses,fire extinguisher, walk down all the stairwells looking for burnt out lightblubs and messes.

There are also extra things that get done, like cleaning all the railings in all the stairwells, and washing all the walls in the hallways. I have also scrubbed floors, clean all the lint traps in the dryers.

Then there are the apartment re cleans. If someone moves out, and doesn't do a good job cleaning I go in and re clean it. or if someone was working in the apartment I clean up after them (however I get paid extra for this.)

My two big complaints are yes I am the caretaker but that does not mean I have to listen to your every complaint ( especially if I am sitting in the dentists office with my kids) and if you drop a dirty Kleenex for goodness sake please pick it up, there is no dirty Kleenex fairy I have to pick those up.

another what????

2011-03-04T16:38:00.000-08:00

I love cross stitching.... I LOVE quilting and this week I started crocheting, as if I need another hobby!!! It started as a way to make slippers for the kids. I'm not really good with yarn and it probably won't get to anything fancy but I wanted to make slippers so make slippers I did!!! I think they turned out well! I used a large ball of yarn and was able to make a pair of slippers for J,Tony and Brycen. I will get another ball of yarn and make a pair for Ashton. Once the slippers were done I realized that to tell them apart ( mainly J and Tony's) I would have to add a button or something so I found these cute beads and they picked what they wanted Brycen picked orange elephants, J picked green giraffes and Tony picked pick fish!!

This week we also had dentist appointments and Brycen had is impacted tooth pulled, and a custom spacer put it. So far he hasn't complained at all the only really problem will be keeping the spacer clean as everything gets caught in there!!

another year gone by

2011-02-20T15:31:00.000-08:00

Miss. J turned 9 on Feb 12, I know I'm REALLY behind. Anyhow since I'm doing the things I love about you It's time for J's.
9 things I love about J:
1. Her shy quietness......it's not always about being seen and heard.
2. her willingness to learn how to do new things
3. the silly things she does in her sleep (she's a sleep walker)
4. her love for her big sister.
5. her silly laugh, and ability to be really silly.
6. that she's always willing to take on responsibility.
7. how she always wants to hold the new "baby"
8. her love of animals, she could get the wildest animal to trust her!
9. I love that God choose me to be her Mom!

alone

2011-02-08T16:41:00.000-08:00

I always feel so alone, maybe it's mostly my part but I really am alone. I really have no friends again part of this is my fault, I have not called people or not gone out with people. But then there have been times that I have tried and was rejected. How many times does one try before they give up?? I really feel alone. I have lost my closest friend of 15 years over a battle of who's the better Mom. I have no friends in the city because I have been away for 10 years and all the friends I had in Selkirk are there, and I feel like I've let those friendships slide, heck most of them don't talk to me anymore. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, I know that alot of this is my fault, however I did spend a whole year working overnights and while I did that I almost felt like I didn't have a weekend.....my time was always spent trying to sleep or trying to catch up on sleep. Now that I work days I suddenly have no one. Not only that but my husband works evenings most of the time so i don't have a car to get around. Sure I could drop him off but do I really want to get all the kids up at 3 am to pick their dad up at work? I wish I still had my Gracie she was always there, but even that is gone.

Now the real question is how do I make/re build friendships??

I'm at a loss......all I know is I'm REALLY lonely, I don't even feel like I have someone I could call to chat with!!

fabric friday...........a day late :-)

2011-02-05T09:33:00.000-08:00

This is my first finished project of 2011:

I really like the pattern, I don't like how it's hanging it seems off somehow, I'm gonna try putting a wooden dowel on the bottom as well as the top and hopefully that helps! The flowers are 3-d flowers. Lie I said I really like it but am somewhat disappointed by it to. Hopefully the next project turns out better.

I have also included a picture from last weeks move,

yup we're rednecks :-)

meds!

2011-02-03T18:15:00.000-08:00

I received a call today from the children's doctor, the news was not good. Both kids had fairly high oxalate output, Tony's was at 900 and J'naya's is 2100. The normal is 500. This is a concern. Now are the levels high because they aren't actually taking the meds ( We have caught J flushing hers, or hiding them in her sleeve) or is it because the meds are no longer working?? The plan is to watch them like hawks to make sure the meds are making into their bodies and retesting them in 1 month. I hope it's cause they aren't taking them. I do not want my kids to have to face a transplant!! I have also brought in a new "tool" to make sure the kids take their meds at the right dose EVERY day. Basically it's a white board/cork board, I used little zip lock bags on the bags is the first letter of the child's name and a number ( I.E. J-2 would be J'naya's for the second) so each day the child takes the bag for that day and it has all the meds they need in it. This way if either one misses I know who!! I hope this will make it easier to do. It is also on the wall which will make it noticeable and harder to forget. I also made some of these baggies to leave with my parents for sleepovers so that even at Grandma and Grandpas they get their dose!!

that's what it looks like. It's one months worth of medication ( we won't mention the cost all of which IS NOT covered by insurance) We will be offering a reward at the end of the month for all the days the meds were taken!! I hope this works!!

done!

2011-01-31T16:32:00.000-08:00

That's it the move is done, we are now in a three bedroom apartment in the building I'm the caretaker in!!! I'm pooped, the other apartment is clean and the keys have been handed in (though they charged me $60.00 for extra cleaning) anyhow, it's done!! Now for the painters o come in and finish painting and we can settle in and unpack everything.It is very nice to have a bedroom again. I don't wish to move again for a VERY long time!!

We didn't do our "new" recipe last week because it was a crazy week, maybe I'll do two this week we'll see ;-). So for our random act of kindness this weekend I went to Tim's and randomly paid for the order of the car behind me. I drove away with a happy heart even though itt was not someone I knew it's fun to randomly do nice things for strangers!

Now for the silly things we say to our kids............ Why is there a slurpee in a glove??? Yup I actually asked that this week!!

chaos

2011-01-23T11:07:00.001-08:00

there is utter chaos in my house right now!!! We are set to move in 6 days..........6 DAYS!!! Now because I'm the caretaker I know some of the secrets, so most of our stuff is already over there in a storage room! However I still have the kids rooms and the kitchen to pack, as we speak the hubby is out getting some boxes and the fridge is defrosting! I want this move to be as painless as possiable, pretty much just have to move the furiture over there. We don't have much in the way of furiture anyhow, no sofa to speak of, we do have a futon (it SUCKS!!) so pretty much our bedroom furiture (beds and dressers) and our t.v, our computer desk and the kitchen table it shouldn't take long .

I have been reading this blog and she has been doing project 31, 31 random acts of kindess. She has inspired me!! So as a random act of kindess today I threw someone's laundry into the dryer with a dryer sheet and started it!! I hope it brightens thier day. This was a total unplanned act so I did not have my camara with me, infact I had to go back up to my apartment and write a note and then put it in the laundry basket. The kids were there with me and the LOVED it, maybe this will inspire them :-) I hope to do more random acts of kindness and would gladly take some suggestions!!!

this weeks recipes

2011-01-19T15:45:00.000-08:00

To check out the recipe I used, read more

Apple and Pear Pie
Crust from Jessica Appelgren's Huckleberry Peace Pie, Filling adapted from Diana's Desserts, and Crumble mixture from YumSugar

Crust
[Note: I cut this in half and used a crumble topping instead.]
2 cups butter
2-2/3 cups flour
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt

1. Chill the butter in the freezer for 10 minutes so that’s it’s really cold.
2. Pour the flour over the butter on a large work surface, covering the butter so that it won’t stick to your rolling pin.
3. Roll the butter out flat, collect the mixture with a scraper, and re-roll it two or three times.
4. Make a hole in the middle of the mixture and add the water and salt, cutting the liquid into the mix with the scraper until you have a workable dough.
5. Roll the dough out flat one more time, cut it in half, and place in the freezer.

Filling
1/4 cup golden brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1/8 - 1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/8 tsp salt
5 firm but ripe pears, peeled, cored and sliced
4 apples, peeled, cored and sliced
2 tbsp of lemon juice
2 tsp vanilla extract

1. In a large bowl, stir together the filling ingredients, mixing till well-combined.

Crumble Topping
1/2 cup flour
1/2 stick butter
1/3 cup sugar
1/3 cup golden brown sugar
1 tsp cinnamon

1. Mix the butter and flour with the fork until it is textured like breadcrumbs.
2. Add sugars and cinnamon to mixture and mix well.
3. If it is too dry, use the leftover liquid from the apple/pear mixture to help.

Assemble

1. Roll one piece of pie crust into a 12-inch round and gently lay it into the pie pan.
2. Spoon in filling. Do not add all of the extra liquid.
3. Evenly put the crumble mixture over the apples.
4. Bake pie in a preheated 425°F oven for 15 minutes.
5. Reduce the heat to 375°F and bake for an additional 45 minutes or until the top is brown and filling is bubble.
This pie was so good, exepct I'm the only one eating it and I don't need a whole pie by myself :-)

Today we had tacos............I know whats new about this well it's a recipe I recently came across in my Mother's stash of recipes from when we were younger, I made these in grade 8 cooking class ( a few years ago ;-) ) I LOVE them!!! Every part opf them is home made!! so here's the recipe:

Soft taco shells,
250 ml. flour 125 ml. cornmeal
1ml. salt 375 ml cold water
1 egg beaten 1 chili powder
mix all ingrediants together to make a runny dough, spoon them into a hot pan (I used a table top grill) spread themo out so they cover the bottom of the pan totally and evenlly ( they should be fairly thin) allow to cook, do not flip ( they will cook all the way through)

meanwhile.....

Filling
50 ml. chopped onion 1 clove garlic crushed
15. ml oil 1 ml salt
5 ml chili powder 400 grams hamburger
125 ml tomato sauce

in a frying pan brown hamgurger with oil, onion and garlic. Add salt and chili powder. Once throughly cooked at the tomato sauce.

Done now top with your favorite taco toppings and enjoy.............Freeze any extra taco shells. SO yummy........... I had three ;-).We will be having these again!!!

Last week we had two exicting things happen first Tony turned 11, I think this yaer I'll try something different for each kids birthday, in my post I'm gonna do the things I love about you ( in Tony's case 11 things I love about you!)

So here goes the 11 things I love about you:
1. How you really don't care what your wearing as long as it covers your good.
2. How you can be friends with EVERYONE.
3. How you make friends EVERYWHERE.
4. How smart you are, you know everything, if we need to remeber something just tell Tony he remembers everything.
5. How you need to know how everuthing works.
6. How you know any vechicle just by looking at it ( i.e. when I took the car in to atuopac ti be assed, I didn't know what the car next to us was but you did!)
7. How prtective you are over your borther and sisters, I'm sure you'd jump in the way of a car to protect them.
8. How you have taken the new responsablities we have given you and run with them.
9. How you would give the shirt off your back to someone who needs it.
10. How your always the first to try something new.
and last but not least #11 how you choose me to be your mom!!!

I love you bud, I'm so proud to call you my son!!

The other exciting thingt that happened last week is the birth of my new nephew born January 14, at 1:40 a.m. ( just an hour and forty minutes after Tony's birthday eneded) he weighed 7 lbs 1 oz. and his name is Trayten Colby. He is the sweetest little guy. I am now the proud auntie of three nephews ( though one of them I NEVER get to see)

Lastly let me leave you with what I saw when I opened my fridge today:

I had to have J'naya redo it with a permanet maker because the pencil wouldn't show up in the picture!! I think this egg has found a forever home :-) ( it says "pick him" -> )

I used to wonder

2011-01-11T23:10:00.000-08:00

I used to wonder .......
- how did Ashton's Dad go about life with his child growing up close to him and yet so far away.
- how was every second weekend okay with him?
- if there was a pain worse then losing a child?
- if a friend will always be trust worthy.
- how often one person can cry themselves to sleep EVERY night

Now I don't wonder about those things anymore cause I know,
- Ashton's Dad lived life without her in it everyday because he had to ( his own choice I might add)
- There is pain worse then losing a child........being rejected by one who you love so much you would GLADLY claw out your own eyeballs, or tear off your own skin......if only you knew she was safety tucked into her bed in your home. Or have the chance to give her a hug.
-there is no one person you can completely trust in some way they will hurt you so it's better to stay safe and "hide" then dare open up your heart and trust again.
- forever!!

Now I wonder......................
- will it ever hurt less?
- will I ever see that beautiful face again?
- why didn't I cherise the moments spent with her?
- how do "friends" sleep at night, after all the damage they have caused?
- will I ever be able to fix this?
I wonder!

so silly things we say

2011-01-07T16:14:00.000-08:00

Jeff says "whose pear is this??"
Brycen "it's mine!"
Jeff" oh I thought it was J's"
Brycen"nope mine, I chopped it like a chef."

Can we say Jeff watches WAY too much food network!!

new recipes

2011-01-05T15:40:00.000-08:00

we made the first of what I hope will be many new recipes for 2011. This one was homemade beef ravioli with homemade Alfredo sauce was it ever good!!!

Jeff gave it an 8, the kids gave it a 5 and I'd go with a 10( but i love pasta)

this is what it looked like I know ravioli should be square but I don't have a square cookie cutter and everyone was hungry so we went with round!!

THIS is the recipe for the Alfredo sauce, and THIS is the recipe for the filling, and THIS is the pasta recipe I used. We will be having this again!!

all done for another year!!

2011-01-04T15:30:00.000-08:00

Well christmas is done for another year it's a little sad to see it go but kind of good too!!! :-) Anyhow the gatherings are done and the gifts are un wrapped and things are put away. Though I'm not a "resaltions" kind of person I did say last year I wanted to "forgive" myself for Mackenzie's death. This is where I am at right now, the one comment made to me when we lost Mackenzie (it doesn't matter what it was) I haved talked to the person who made the comment and all is forgiven and I feel GREAT about it. I know it wasn't my fault. I don't have him here right now and I miss him. However I did have him for 9 months and I have some meomories. So I am licky I got to have him at all. I could never had have him and that would have been worse.

So for this year my "goals" are to lose at least 10 pounds, and to try a new recipe every week. I hope this all works out for us!!!

So today as I was coming home to check on the kids, I meet a man holding a 3 foot elf in his arms. he told me him and the elf were getting divorced I asked him "why she's cute" he then promtly handed her to me and said here have her. Of course I couldn't resist playing a prank on the children. I stood her up and knocked on the door and disappeared into the stairwell ( which is right next to our apartment door) I then "watched" as Tony came to the door I could hear him at the door but didn't opnen it right away. Then he went back to the living room. Of coruse I knoked again and this time he slowly opened the door, then went back into the apartment, I could here talking and again the door slowly opened and out popped Brycen he got on his knees and talked to the elf then picked her up and took her into the apartment!!! It was the funniest thing I had a good laugh!!

This leads me to something I'm gonna start on my blog it will be called "the dumb things I have to say to the kids"

1. "Brycen don't stand on the elf."

Since this follows my post do I have to say anymore??

betrayal

2010-12-29T20:02:00.000-08:00

why is it that just when things seem to be going well, someone has to turn things around and cause trouble?? In this case it is someone who used to be a friend. It hurts because she seems to think it's okay to involve my daughter in EVERYTHING. The first thing she does is run to Ashton and say did you know your mom said this?? what does it concern Ashton?? I want her to stay away from my daughter she says I'm a bad Mom because I don't want my daughter to be around drugs. I wish people would take a look at their own lives before making comments about other people. Take a look at your own kids before you judge!! You do not know everything they are doing you just don't!!!

Things have been going well until today when this said "friend" again involved my daughter in something that has nothing to do with her. I want this person to stay away from Ashton, she really doesn't know whats going on and she thinks she knows best. she doesn't. So just stay away from her. instead she has decided to be "friends" with Ashton's Dad ( she knows everything that happened between Ashton's dad and myself) This to me is the ultimate betrayal. Not to mention the whole thing with her husband when he called me names and I had to apologize but some how he never has!!!

It just isn't fair things were going along nicely!!

I just want her to stay out of my business with my daughter!!!

two down...................

2010-12-20T17:19:00.000-08:00

That's two christmas gatherings down and I don't know how many more to go. Every year instead of buying everyone gifts we draw names. Every year I have a hard time getting that gift. I think I did well. I recieved a $40.00 gift certificate for fabricland. I'm so exicited I can't wait to go shopping!!! I also bought a special gift for my parents a recordable book, All The Way I Love You. I then had the children read the book, it was a HUGE hit ( MOm cried, Dad "read" it over and over) I want one but i think it'd be silly to buy one for myself. The way these work is that you open the book to the page you want to read then push the record button and you read the page and push stop. Then when you open the book the recording for that pages plays. Some of the pages were read by all 4 kids, some of them by just the girsl and some by just the boys and each kid read one by themselves.

We have also recieved some great news we will be moving into a three bedroom apartment for feb.1. We are currently living in a two bedroom which means that the boys have a room, J'naya has a room and Jeff and I are sleeping in the dining room!! I can't wait to have my room!!!

Today is also the day that 13 years ago I married my husband, we are still as in love as we were then maybe even more so. We have made it through some very hard times, hopefully those are behind us!! Happy anniversary Jeff here's to 50 more years together!!!

new places

2010-12-04T16:34:00.000-08:00

So we have been in our apartment for 1 month now. I think this move has really been for the better. I love my new job and it really has given me more one on one time with Brycen. Time I never had before. It has been interesting trying to keep him from being bored. We have come up with a few games to play. Our favorite is the dice adding game,e. I tell him which numbers to find and he finds them on the dice and then he adds them up and tells me the total. Not only does he not get bored he's learning too!

We also had a minor accident on Tuesday night, J'naya wanted to "help" me with dinner she wanted to drain the pasta for me. I asked her to wait for me< I'd do it for her. I proceeded to drain the pasta and the pot slipped I ended up with boiling water all down the front of me and J ended up with it all over her feet. Thanks to Tony's fast thinking and our fast un dressing no one was seriously hurt. Although I have a slight burn on my belly.

The other thing that happened was the day Brycen got "caught" ( he was playing in it actually) in the elevator and it went down. Now he knew I was on the second floor and I could hear him screaming no2....2.....2 from inside the elevator it was heart breaking because I could not stop him and make him come back. I stood there waiting for him to come back. He was fine until the door and saw me and he started to cry. we then had a talk about what to do if this happens again, and where to meet so we both know where to go. Some of the floors he can't reach the buttons. It's heart breaking to hear him screaming and not be able to help him.

Other then that it's same ole same ole around here. My biggest beef is that McDonald's still has not paid out my holiday pay and I don't know who to talk to about it!!! Hopefully I can figure this out soon!!!

hurts

2010-11-25T15:57:00.000-08:00

A few years ago, I fell from a ladder and REALLY hurt my back, in fact I think I spent upwards of $400.00 dollars to get it ``fixed`` this week, I turned wrong and felt the pain immediately. I hurt so much there have actually been times when I have cried. However I can`t not work, so off I go. I find as long as I keep moving it hurts but I can keep going. Sitting on the other hand HURTS!!! Sleeping, hurts, standing hurts. it all hurts. I hope it lightens soon. Tylenol and rob ax are my best friends!!

The kids went to see Dr.Dart last week it seems so far all is still good, there is some question about them getting enough water into their bodies. J`naya had a HUGE panic attack when she had to give blood. me being the person I am and having a no nonsense attitude picked her up and took her into the room so she could have blood drawn. I already know she`ll panic so I don`t tell her about the appointment in advance rather I `surprise`her the day of. ( if I were to tell he earlier she would not sleep) she did not want to go first however I knew it would be worse for her to wait till Tony was done so in we went. I always have to hold her done (though she`s getting much stronger) and we drew blood then she was fine!!! Tony went next and did well ( he always does) we just have to do a 24 hour urine to make sure they don`t need an increase in their meds.

The funny thing this week is Brycen`s sudden dislike of broccoli..........however he LOVES broccoli salad now no one tell him how much broccoli is in broccoli salad :-)

I wonder..................

2010-11-20T13:35:00.000-08:00

if I had listened how would things be now??

If I had listened to my Mother, where would I be now??
Would I be a nurse that I always longed to be??
(though now I'd LOVE to be a midwife)

If my son hadn't died who would he be??

If my son hadn't died who would I be??

Would I really be a Mother to 5??

would I have been happier??

If I had taken the sleeping pills I was offered when he was born would it have been better for me?? For my family??

It's amazing that things change so much, so quickly. I definitely am NOT the same person I was when I was 17. A perfect example is that I would NEVER allow myself (or my children) to be treated the way I was when I got preggers. I would stand up for myself now!!
When Mackenzie died, I would be more involved in what happened ( I did nothing for his funeral Jeff and my parents did it all and they did a wonderful job I just wish I had been able to add my 2 cents) I would keep him with me longer 6 hours to fill a lifetime of time just is not enough. I would call my brother and sister to the hospital so that they could meet my son, I don't remember if my Dad ever held him but he was there (in fact when Jeff and my Mom left my dad stayed and sat at the foot of my bed until I feel asleep.

Most of all I would have listened to everyone (my husband, my friends, my family and my doctors) when they told me I had a problem and needed help. I would have taken the drugs I was offered and I would have enjoyed my life instead of allowing myself to continue to sink into this deep depression and hurting everyone around me!!!

HUGE changes

2010-11-07T14:02:00.000-08:00

Well since the last time I allowed my depression take over my heart so tightly that I almost lost my life, I have decided that it is time to make some changes to make life better for my family. Here's what has happened since that day. I went to see the phychatrist and she gave me some options to make things better one of the BIG things was the lack of sleep and she suggested that I put Brycen in an afternoon class so I could sleep better!!! I went one better I quit my job ( funny when I wrote that I automatically wrote quilt :-) ), yup no more over nights at McDonald's. Though I really did love my job and the people I worked with!!! However here's what happened. Jeff has been bugging me to move into an apartment for a few months now I kept rejecting the idea saying"but my dog, I don't wanna give up my dog." So after this appointment Jeff again said maybe we should move into something cheaper. I told him to let me think about it and we'd talk again in the am. After he went to work I called to see if there were apartments available in the buildings down the street. While I was asleep on Monday, Jeff not only got us an apartment he also pretty much got me a new job!!

That's right I am on the caretaker in the building it all happened so fast into weeks I quit my job, learned to sleep at night again, gave up my dog and moved!!! It's been crazy, I really didn't want to give up Gracie but I know that this is better for my family. We put up an add on kijiji and got a message from a small dog rescue and after emailing back and forth we decided this was the best option for Miss. Gracie they will screen her new "parents" she will be seen by a vet and be spayed before she's put up for adoption. I didn't want her to go just anywhere and I really didn't want her to go somewhere where they would bread her over and over again to make some money ( she's a purebred miniature daschound) so if we have to give her up and no one in the family wanted another dog then this was the best option. It was hard to let her go but we did it and I know that they will find her a good home. I have been in touch with her foster Mom a few times and it seems Gracie is doing well. I really miss her but I know I have to do what I have to do to make me better.

I start my new job in the morning, I know it will be ALOT of work but it can't be more work then it was at Mc Donald's. I'm really looking forward to it. I will be receiving free rent ( with water and hydro included water and hydro in the house were costing about $750.00 every three months) Free under ground parking and $40.00 for laundry (I have already done $30.00 worth of laundry but then alot of that was from the move) and I will get a pay check every two weeks. This was just to good a deal to pass up. The apartment also has a heated indoor pool which we have already visited 3 times since moving in last Saturday!!! needless to say we won't be living in a house where the basement more or less flooded EVERY TIME it rained, it would just have started to dry out and it would rain again. We also won't have to deal with the washing machine leaking for 7 months with no one ever doing anything about it, ( in fact it was so bad that when you were doing laundry you had to wear shoes down stairs or walk around in the water) or the landlord knocking on the door at 6:30 am or 10:30 pm to collect rent. Everybody is breathing easier ( in Tony's case he really is breathing better for the last few weeks I would make him plug in the vaporizer at night so he could sleep cause he was coughing so badly. The last week he hasn't used it once. J'naya's big concern was that we didn't have a table and chairs to eat dinner at ( our table is WAY to big for an apartment) well we got her a table and chairs it's just a cheap set from walmart but she is thrilled!!! I guess it feels more like home with somewhere to sit to have dinner!

Here's hoping things continue to get better and life gets easier.

don't throw stones if...............

2010-10-17T13:31:00.000-07:00

You live in a glass house!

So yet again it's all my fault after 17 years of friendship, it's over. Some how it's my fault, which I'm so confused about all I know is that this "friend's" husband made some nasty comments to me and I defended myself and then this "friend" lied to me about it. When confronted about the lie it all blew up and no we are no longer friends it seems.

I guess my point about this post is that I will not allow people to continue to drag me down. I need to fix me and fix my relationship with my daughter and that is what I need to focus on. I can't keep worrying about what others think. I have to do whats right.

I fully agree with her though on the subject of Ashton, she is the most beautiful, kind and intelligent girl I know. That doesn't mean that she can be allowed to talk to me the way she has been, I will not allow her to disrespect me and that is something we are working on. I love my daughter and will fight for her just as I always have. No matter who thinks they know better.

Maybe instead of interfering in things that really aren't our problems us as people should worry about the things going on in our own lives and face the reality's in our own lives!!

updates

2010-10-16T13:01:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I posted because I really didn't know what to say, Well I think things are taking a turn for the better at least for now. Ashton has been coming over a few days a week after school. It has been going okay we have pretty much called a truce and are trying to get things back on track. Hopefully this keeps up. However a few weeks ago things weren't so great and I had to put my foot down, this in turn didn't go over well with her and in turn with some people who I'm still trying to figure out how this became their problem. Long story short I was verbally attacked by a good friends husband then I was lied to by the good friend I was told she didn't know what was being said in the email to me. Turns out she did know what was being said, and she still allowed it to happen. Needless to say I am VERY hurt by the whole thing. I spent the rest of that week dwelling on what was said and what I was called. I care ALOT about what people think about me. I have to work on this.

I also figure I need help so i am now seeing a counselor and a phychatrist, I have double my anti depressants and am taking a sleeping pill. Hopefully with all these things working together I will be able to get things back on track. I want my life back, I want to be happy again. Most of all I want to be here to see my kids grow up and grow old with my husband!!

done

2010-10-01T17:54:00.000-07:00

I'm done I can't do this any longer, I don't know whats happening I can't handle this I'm done and I'm sorry. So sorry.

school

2010-09-25T08:16:00.000-07:00

I want to start this post by sayings the kids are going to school and they don't always have the best judgement. So try to stay out of school zones unless you have to be there, and keep your eyes peeled there are kids EVERYWHERE.Please keep our kids safe on the roads!!!!
Yesterday one of the kids was hit by a car right in front of the school when I walked the kids to school the first responders were there. From what we heard he was hit by a car and has a broken leg but will be okay.
Brycen LOVES school, I knew he would. In fact he woke up this am wanting to go to school. It's funny that he did not want to go the first few days in fact he hid his back pack and runners so he wouldn't have to go. now he knows what it's about and he LOVES it!!!!
I think Tony and J'naya are also glad to be back in school and I know I sure am. It's nice to be back in some sort of routine again.Ashton and I had been having a really good week, mainly because I simple refuse to fight with her any longer, then I picked her and a friend up at a cross country practice?? and I was treated with totally disrespect in fact so much so I think her friend was uncomfortable. Simply not okay I took her back to her Dad's immediately and made it clear that it is not okay to treat me like that and will not stand for it. Needless to say she's now not talking to me she didn't come here after school and I have not talked to her yet. So we'll See how long she stays mad. I am her mother and demand the respect I should be treated with and will not accept anything else. However apparently her dad still wants custody but apparently that's more about getting child support from me then anything else which is funny because I offered to give him support money and he said no, and the support I hads been receiving I didn't get it was going straight to Ashton and she was spending it so for the last year he has given support to her not me. You figure it out cause i sure can't!!!

why can't we all be like dogs???

2010-09-16T12:45:00.000-07:00

Really..........we have a dog she's a miniature dapple Dachshund and her name is Gracie a.k.a lovie, her family was giving her up for reasons unknown to me so we had her since March. She was 11 months old when we got her, I'm so GLAD that her family gave her up and chose us as her new family. Now she had some REALLY bad habits when she came the biggest one was her constant barking, but she has really improved.

I love this dog, and it seems she loves me just as much. Everywhere I go there goes my Gracie and it's funny cause she wants to go first, and doesn't always know where to go. If I get up and leave the room you can bet she'll follow me unless someone is holding her and won't let go. She also loves Ashton and J'naya, I think it's cause we're girls and don't rough house as much as the boys do. Since I work overnights and sleep durning the day if she can find me you bet she'll be in bed with me ( same with the cat, the dog sleeps by my legs and the cat sleeps on me)

She's a gentle dag and takes alot of abuse, when we go to my parents place she loves running with my dad's dog Buddy ( he's a beagle) they run so much that Gracie sleeps for hours when she gets home. Like I said she a gentle dog but I think if she felt that we were in trouble I have no doubt she'd put her life on the line. A perfect example is one day when we went out for a walk with her J'naya was carrying the dog ( cause Gracie doesn't have 4 legs to J's 2) and a man got to close to J and Gracie lunged at him. Kinda saying that's my kid get away.

The biggest problems with Gracie are that she still doesn't walk very well and wants to bark at everyone (we're working on that though), ashe doesn't always let us know that she needs to go outside (though she usually messes in the bathroom) and she shreds EVERYTHING I mean EVERYTHING she can get her paws her favor tie thing is full rolls of toilet paper(you can imagine the mess) Over all she's a wonderful dag and we are so glad she's a part of our family!!!

teen Mom

2010-09-11T12:10:00.000-07:00

As a teen Mom I have always not wanted to be your typical teen Mom meaning I have always tried to do things for myself, I lived on my own, I worked, and thankfully I was lucky my Mom was a HUGE help in fact she was my babysitter. I have however given up ALOT. When other people were going to the bar and drinking I was home with my daughter. While other people were parting I was home with my daughter. I wouldn't do it any other way. I love my kids and would do anything for them. However I'm feeling betrayed right now really betrayed.

You see when we were teens we ALWAYS went camping on may long weekend I usually organized it, the year I was expecting i was not invited, in fact it was kept a HUGE secret so that I wouldn't come. That is until I found out by accident and got a last minute invite. Ashton's Dad went I did not. In fact I was friends with all "those" people long before Ashton's Dad was. When I got pregnant most of them turned their backs on me........however most of them are still his friends. Family members are the same way, they won't talk to me but they talk to him. It wasn't just me that had a baby it was both of us.

Now the betrayal has gotten worse, she moved in with him. For 14 years every second weekend she went to his house for the weekend. Since she moved in with him she hasn't spent the weekend with me. Apparently the problem is that I don't spend my time with only her. Huh where am I supposed to leave the other kids??? When I do spend time only with her, she spends her time talking to "his" friends and I sit alone among strangers. But wait it gets worse.

He wants to know if he's listed as her dad on her birth certificate.........ummmmm yup your her Dad.

He wants custody..................... I have other kids......................ummmmm it doesn't hurt less because I have other kids...............I have lost another child...................I am now a baby loss momma and a teen loss momma.....................I don't know what hurts more........................I'm so sad and so alone.........................

I want my babies back............I love them and this isn't fair!!!!!

cancer

2010-08-29T08:35:00.000-07:00

Our son Brycen has Petechiae
(Petechiae, also called petechial hemorrhage or rash, are small red spots on the skin caused by broken capillary blood vessels. The blood collects under the tissue and appears as tiny dots (usually the size of a pinpoint).

They can come from coughing, vomiting or minor trauma. They may also develop due to thrombocytopenia (low platelet count) which is the reason someone with leukemia may have them. Some medical treatments, such as radiation and chemotherapy, also cause petechial hemorrhage. )

on his right arm, his left leg, and his right ankle. He was taken in to the hospital. Here's what happened. Friday he showed me his arm and asked me if he had bug bites on his arm. I looked at his arm and yup misquote bites all over his arm. Yesterday in the car I hear him talking to Tony about the bug bites on his arm to which Tony replies man those are not bug bites. At this point I look at his arm and see the Petechiae now we are talking like 30 tiny blood spots not 1 or 2. I start to panic you see a friend found out her son had leukemia after finding Petechiae on her son. I tell Jeff we won't worry about it and take him to his doctor on Monday morning. After a while I text a friend and she suggests calling health links. I'M SCARED!!!! VERY SCARED!!! Every time we have been on the wrong side of the odds it has turned out bad. We sat there for 4 hours sure that he was gonna have cancer. He was tested for leukemia. Thankfully it came back normal. Now we have now idea what is causing the Petechiae, and it means his platelets aren't working normally. Normally when a person's small blood vessels burst ( this is what happened to Brycen) the platelets rush to the area and stop the bleeding. This didn't happen for Brycen. I forgot to ask how long before the spots clear up I was just so relieved that he does not have cancer.

Makes me wonder is this because I was rearended last week?? I didn't even think of that when I was with the Doctor.

Finally God said yes and allowed my child to be okay!!!

an owl in the house

2010-08-28T07:16:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted mostly because things with Ashton seemed to be getting worse instead of better. I didn't want to post all the things going wrong so I just didn't post. Anyhow things seem to have taken a turn for the better here's hoping anyway.

In the past few weeks we have done a few things of interest we spent the day at fun mountain water sliding it was TONS of fun. Sadly Ashton did not join us. We went camping with my family, My parents, my sister Kathleen and her hubby Jake, My brother Alfred and his wife Heather and their little guy Owen and of course my family the whole family. Ashton joined us and even though it rained and rained and rained we had fun. My Dad brought a MONSTER trap and the boys ( Jeff, Alfred and Jake) were instructed to string it up. It was a weekend saver. Owen ate everything he could that little guy sure can pack it away!!!

I haven't as of yet announced my most exciting news I'm gonna be an Auntie again. My sister is now 17 weeks pregnant so a new little one will be joining our family sometime in late January ( I personally think it will be sooner so we'll see) I also think it will be a girl!!

this morning we were awoken by a noise form the back entrance way which is across the hall from our bedroom, by the cat chasing an owl. Yup I said owl. here's what happened. through out the night we could hear noises in the house we both thought the cat was getting herself into trouble. Finally at 6 we went to check it out imagine our surprise to find an owl sitting on the dresser in the entrance. We look at each other and Jeff says what will we do now?? i say to him easy we'll get a blanket and throw blanket over it and take it back outside. Oh and by we I mean you. So in goes Jeff he throws the sheet and the owl moves. He comes back to the door now the owl is sitting on top of J'naya's bed it is standing in there up right (she moved into Ashton's room and is using Ashton's bed) so he throws the sheet again an again misses this time the owl flies at him nd he screams at me and ducks. I'm standing on the other side of the closed door. Finally he comes back out of the room and says, I'm gonna open the door and hopefully get it to fly out. This worked the owl landed on the floor he was able to throw the sheet over the bird and drag it outside when he lifted the sheet it flew away. Sadly I didn't take a picture. However Jeff and I work really well together. Especially when we means he ;-)

fabric friday

2010-08-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start a new thing called "fabric Friday" it will be an update of the fabric I played with this week so here it is!!

This is a quilt I have started for my Mom the question is do I add the white or not??

Today was the last day of VBS (vacation Bible school) for the kids Brycen attended once but then said he didn't like it so he didn't go back that and the fact that he really hasn't felt well this week. So much so that he did not have his tooth pulled this week. Anyhow we had to bike to drop the kids off and to pick them up well on the way home after dropping the kids off we saw this puddle:

and this is what happened ( sorry it's blurry I REALLY need a new camera)

When I asked him why he was riding through the puddle his reponse was " Mom I had to it was calling my name." How do you argue with that???

Have a great fabric Friday everyone!!

angel momma's

2010-08-03T15:05:00.000-07:00

I'm sad to say that the newest member to the angel Momma group is a 15 year old girl. I'm so sad for her, no one should be a part of this group musch less at 15.

Tomorrow is the "big" day the tooth is being pulled I hope it all goes well, I've taken to sleeping upsatirs in Ashton"s room and let me tell you the sleep has been WAY better. I may sleep up there from now on!!!

randomness

2010-08-01T08:06:00.000-07:00

Well I feel like my world is slowly falling apart, it has not been a good few weeks. I have discovered a few things, one I comfort eat, Yup lots of ice cream. What can I say at least I don't comfort drink. The comfort eating stops today. I can't keep this up. I feel sad all the time so much so that I have increased my anti depressants. However none of this has really helped my Daughter still won't talk/text/see me and she's still not home. I have been called a b**** by all of my in laws and I didn't do this. Why is it that the person or people responsible for this mess are being comforted and I am being punished? Really I feel like locking myself in the house and NEVER coming out again.

Again I have a family to protect and will do EVERYTHING in my power to do so. DO i regret what I did. Nope I'd do it again. If you choose to be involved in illegal activities then stand up and take the punishment. In fact I don't care who it is if it had been one of my siblings and not an in law I would have done the same thing. This is my daughters life and NOTHING is more important.

So because of everything happening over here, I have been thinking ALOT about pay it forward. You see there are always consciences to our actions be it good or bad. So as I slowly try to put my life back together I wonder what kinds of things have to done to pay it forward? They can be big things or small things but I wonder where are the good things people are doing???

These next few weeks I'm gonna make a bigger effort to pay it forward.

So besides all the drama there have been some other life things going on. Recently the left side of Brycen's face randomly swells. Well it all started one afternoon when he would randomly start yelling my tooth hurts it really really hurts. Now he wasn't feeling well, he was sleepy and running a fever so I figured he was coming down with something, we gave him Tylenol and let him nap all day and even orejeled his mouth to keep him happy. The next day he went to Grandma and Grandpa's for a sleep over and my Mom commented that his face was swollen. I really didn't think much of it after all he is a boy in every sense of the word. Then it would randomly swell and 2 weeks ago he suddenly came to me and told me he had something on his gums. We took him in to see the dentist and the tooth has to be pulled he has an impacted tooth so this weds. he will have it pulled or at least they will try without having to put him to sleep. I hope it works and doesn't hurt to much.

it's pouring again....

2010-07-17T21:07:00.000-07:00

I sit here in the dark in a house where everyone is sleeping.....everyone expect me that is. I am now not only missing one child but two. Every day that we are apart my heart breaks a little more. This time I am not separated by death but by space. My oldest beautiful daughter has moved across town in with her Dad. This was a decision made by all her parents (myself, Jeff and her Daddy) all in an effort to keep her safe. You see we found out about somethings that have been happening right under our noses and they are bad. So to keep her safe we made the decision that she should live with her Dad. Now I slowly die as she lives somewhere else. How do I keep it together? I count the days till I see her. Miss her so much.

To top it off I have people who have decided to involve themselves in my life and her life that really have no business being there. Then lie about what they did all in an effort to make me look bad. Not only that but the people who should be helping keep my kids safe have decided to do what they want and put my children in danger. This means that these people can no longer be around my babies I will not let you hurt them. I feel so alone, I have no friends to talk to, I have reached out to few with no response and I hurt so much. I don't know how to get through this.

Even as I slowing hurt to death knowing my baby is sleep across town and I don't know when I'll see her again I know this is the best for her. I will do ANYTHING to keep her safe.

Ashton if you read this I love you so much Know that this is for you not anyone else. I wanted you before you where born, I wanted you when you threw up all over me as an infant. I wanted you when you were a naughty toddler. I wanted yo when you didn't come home on the bus and sent us into a panic in grade school. I wanted you when you told me you hated me as a preteen. And I want you now NOTHING can ever make me hate you I just want you to be safe.

2010-06-29T18:19:00.001-07:00

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Happy birthday to my angel baby Mackenzie Wade, have a great 12 th birthday I love you and miss you lots!!

she did it!!!

2010-06-29T14:48:00.002-07:00

Ashton finished Jr. High. Yesterday was grade 9 grad. As we sat in the gym for her Grad I was sad. Sad that not only is another chapter done and gone. But that the last year has been so hard for her. She left all her friends in her old school moved to a new city and started all over again. It has been anything but easy for her. I'm so sorry that it was this hard and I wish it wasn't. Regardless she's done, things will only get better now!!!

Tomorrow is 12 years, 12 years since our world changed so much. It's amazing that someone so small, who never made a sound changed everything that is!!!

what???

2010-06-25T06:34:00.000-07:00

So there are only 5 days until Mackenzie's 12 birthday, that's 12 years that I didn't get. I try really hard not to dwell on the fact that I didn't get them, instead it's 12 years that he's gotten to spend with the Lord!!! Wow what a lucky boy, one day I will get to meet him, yup meet him, you see I've never seen his eyes, I've never heard him cry. As I write this the tears stream down my face.

I love him and I miss him.

Alright, I actually got up and walked away I don't want this to be a sad post, it's not like that, I've worked REALLY hard at this. There have been alot of lessons in this the most important one is that I don't have control, these are not my children they are only borrowed to me and when their maker sees fit they are his to take home. Does this mean I'd like to lose more children. That would be a resounding NO!!! Children SHOULD not die before their parents. Or maybe us as parents are selfish and don't want them to go first because we don't want to bear the pain??? If we die before our children they the bear the pain instead of us?? I love my kids, I would do anything for my children, if I had to give my life so my kids would be healed I would in a heart beat. I wish I could have the disease instead of them, I wish it was me being poked and prodded every few months instead of them. I wish I was gone instead of my Mackenzie but that's just not how it is. He's gone, Nothing can bring him back. Trust me I would jump at the chance for just one hug, just to hold him in my arms are tell him how much I love him and have him hear me!! Which brings me to my point I have one child in heaven but I have 4 here do I tell them I love them???? Not Nearly enough!!! They are here. I should hug them and tell them ALL the time!!! I should be shouting it from the roof tops!!

After losing Mackenzie the verse John 3:16 For God SO loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whose so ever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life. has had a profound effect on me you see I would not allow my son to die for people who hated me and yet that's what God has done for us. He allowed his only son to die so that we could be with him one day. This brings me full circle. My son is so lucky, he spends everyday walking the streets of gold, spending time in the presence of the Lord. One day I to will join him, what a Day that will be!!!

the long month

2010-06-24T10:27:00.001-07:00

So the month is almost over and what a long month it's been, A quick update an things happening around here. I walked off my job at 1 am one night, determined not to go back. I did go back, here's why I left, I feel like my manager bullies me. It's not that I don't want to work "under" her it's just that she seems to think it's okay for her to make us do things that she doesn't want to do. Or get upset at us for things that aren't really things to be mad about. That night I had, had enough!!! An example of what's been happening, one night she lost her keys, so none of us were allowed to have the other set that was floating around, here's the problem with that the fridge and freezer are locked, I needed to get breakfast ready, everything is in the fridge and freezer. Breakfast was late because she wouldn't give us keys. Guess where the keys were.......you in her pocket. Or the night that someone puked in the sink in the bathroom, the person who was supposed to clean it up has a weak stomach so I did it for him (no weak stomach here) I got in trouble. It seems once every week or two I go home crying and I hate it!!! It's just simple things but it's ALL the time, in fact there is a blow up there just under the surface, I narrowly avoided a blow up this am. It's bound to happen again. I did go back for two reasons one because I need to work, two because they called me and I was able to talk to someone so we will see what will happen.

An update on CFS, it seems it was a welfare check on Ashton, she had been VERY sick that week and missed the whole week of school, so they wanted to make sure that all was well. However the dining room was a HUGE mess, we had water in the basement and EVERYTHING had to be washed and dried and brought upstairs, that has since been fixed, it seems that's how it ALWAYS happens. Anyhow they could see that Ashton was okay meaning we hadn't beaten her and were now trying to let her heal, was really was sick, in fact we had taken her to the doctor and the E.R. She ended up on a prescription cough syrup to help her clear everything up, and she is finally feeling 100 percent again. It took almost 2 weeks, I think alot of this was stress. You see her friend just found out she pregnant at 15. Ashton was the person she turned to so Ashton kept her secret. I just don't know how that is gonna work out, she's only 15 and her boyfriend is 20, it all seems so crazy. However I have used this a a perfect opportunity to have the "talk" again with Ashton. I was a teen Mom and I worry ( I was 17, I couldn't imagine doing it at 15)

The other thing happening this month is Mackenzie's birthday just 6 more days and it to will be over and the stress around here will elevate for another year. I don't know how to explain the feeling theres a pit in my stomach and it grows over the month until his birthday and then all is better again.

Today is the day I became an auntie to a beautiful little boy 12 years ago, just 6 days before our beautiful angel grew his wings. So tomorrow will be 12 years since Mackenzie and Austin had their first and only fight. Mackenzie was still on the inside and I was holding Austin and he was resting on my tummy Mackenzie kicked him and he didn't like it. Just one of my few memories.

what a week

2010-06-11T17:37:00.000-07:00

What a week, first I walk out on the job. ( I have since gone back) I'm not really sure how long this will last!! Ashton has been VERY sick. We had a visit from child and family services. I apparently can't do anything right. I asked my Mom if I'm really that bad of a Mom her response I don't know. I feel like giving up, I feel sad. Why is this happening over and over again. For the record, I love my kids, I would do anything for them, I just want everyone to leave us alone and stop picking on me.

I'm just so sad !!

she's feeling better

2010-06-09T14:06:00.000-07:00

It's been a touch crazy around here, I have 48 umbrella blocks due on a swap and I broke my sewing machine that's right folks broke it. Now it needs to go to the doc to be fixed, so I have to go over to my Mom's to use hers it has been a HUGE challenge, when I'm home I'm sleeping or the hubby is working and he has the car making the 15 minute trip to my Mothers impossible!!

On my Sunday night shift I walked off my job at 1 am, I just can't handle feeling like I'm being bullied by my manager and I'm a little tired of watching her bully everyone else too!!! I'm still not 100 percent sure what to do about this, I guess time will tell. I do know that I won't do this much longer!!

Lastly all the kids have been sick except J'naya. Tony spent all afternoon on Friday lying on the sofa and throwing up. Brycen spent Friday afternoon crying, not just a little cry but full force crying nothing I did made it better. He kept saying his tooth hurt, so I checked his tooth to see if I could see a cavities, nothing everything looked fine, so I took him to the bathroom and brushed his teeth it didn't help. So I spent the afternoon sitting next to him and rubbing his back, and trying ti get his fever under control. The next day he had a hard spot on his cheek and his cheek was swollen, but not his gums or anything on the tooth he said hurt.

Finally since Sunday Ashton has been sick, nausea, headache and fever she has been MISERABLE. However because she's not feeling well it has been quiet. Last night we did a quick trip to the E.R and then decided once we got there that it would take to long so we went home. Today I phoned and made an appointment with the doctor. She says she doesn't need to go, in fact got upset, well she's going!!!

why???

2010-05-29T18:44:00.000-07:00

I just heard of another baby that was born still this week, it really makes me think why???

I have to wonder why all the pain for these angel mommies? It's just not fair. I wish I could hug these Moms and tell them it will be okay, but the truth is it's just not okay, it's not okay that us Mommies are here and babies aren't. Why is it fair that someone can have thier baby and abuse it and us who would love our babies and care for them don't get to have them.

Sometimes I wish I could ask God why?? Why our babies??

I want to hug my baby and tell him how much i love him and miss him!!! It brings me back to the lyrics of this song::

Still
by Sarah Folden
I’ve been waiting for you for such a long time;
you’re always on my mind.
And I’m lying awake,
most of the night,
waiting to hold you tight.

Lost in time,
lost in space,
can’t wait to see your face.
Now that I do
and look at you,
my heart is breaking,
this can’t be true.

Close to my heart,
close to my soul,
right from the start.
Lost you before I found you,
gone before you came,
but I love you just the same.
Missed you before I met you,
but in heaven we will meet again.
.

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do,
with this pain that I am going through,
but I know one day,
God will take me away
and I’m coming home to you.
And when I do and look at you,
my heart is healing,
I know its true;
In heaven we’ll meet again.

Yup I have more kids and yup I understand that they are here and I love them but I can't help but long for my Mackenzie and everytime I hear that another Mommy is going through a loss I feel for her, and I hurt with her! I wish I could make it stop, but I can't all I can say is I'm here and I know how you feel like only another Mommy to another baby angel can and I'm so very sorry you have to go through this!!!

it's a great day!!

2010-05-20T10:14:00.000-07:00

It's a great day to be alive!!!!

Okay I don't usually feel that way and I haven't slept yet!!! Anyhow I have one more overnight shift left then a 3 day holiday, Tomorrow afternoon we have a play date in Selkirk with friends ( see notes on walls/ doors/ fridges really do work I didn't forget.) I made the mistake of telling Brycen about his play date.... uummmmmm yep how do say never tell a 5 year old who has no concept of time that a play date is on Friday when it's only Monday!!! I have been asked several times a day since then if we were going yet!!! He'll be happy to hear tomorrow it's finally the day!!!

This a.m. Brycen and i took a little stroll over to the nearby " shopping strip" ( I use the term lightly as there are only like 3 shops) and shopped a little but we were walking so it couldn't be tons, but it was nice to do something other then sit around at home!!!
We then played outside for a while, I really want to hang out the laundry but CANNOT find a downy ball so how/when do i add fabric softener??? Anyway I then got the bright idea to set up the camper to air it out after a few attempts I had to call the hubby and get some pointers it is now set up!!! But not "safe" to go into and I give up so the hubby will have to fix it!!

On a some what sad note 9 for the kids anyway ) the trampoline has finally said enough it ripped and some of the springs have come off, it is not even close to safe so it will be coming down Friday when me and the hubby are both off, it will however be replaced by something safer say a sand box??? We will have to wait and see!!

The other happening is that we found out that Miss. J has been flushing her meds rather then taking them that's right folks first she was hiding them around the house but we got wise to that now Jeff caught her slipping them into her sleeve and excusing herself to use the potty, We have to sit right next to her and make sure she takes them and EVERY time she cries and carries on I understand they taste bad but really the alternative is a transplant, I don't think she gets how serious this is!!! Oh what to do!!!

My Baby

2010-05-15T19:34:00.000-07:00

The night before I was taking Brycen in for his shots, I realized really this is pretty much the last "baby" thing, He's riding a 2 wheeler, he can write his name, he doesn't use a sippy cup. It's a little sad my baby isn't really a baby anymore........Where did the time go??

He did really well at the doc, he wasn't impressed about getting shots and we didn't warn him in advance. He did NOT like having to undress in front of a stranger, he did however and I explained that it was okay with the doctor and I would be there the whole time he didn't really relax but he did it, then he saw the needles and he started to cry, well not really cry but sort of whimper. He was okay, I think he was more scared of the UN known and once it was done he was okay. After in the hallway he looked at me and said "mom I was brave right I only cried a little bit" then we raced Daddy down the stairs ( Daddy took the elevator) and we beat him and all was forgotten. We then went to the store and got him some candy!!!

Needles to say it seems my baby isn't such a baby anymore and we are closing one chapter in our lives and moving on to a new one!!!

I can't wait for the good things that are yet to come!!

my sewing machine

2010-05-12T07:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't spent very much time with my sewing machine lately oh wait I barely spend time with anyone, it's hard to work this shift I don't get much sleep and when I do try to sleep the family keeps waking me (ie. yesterday when they were all mad at each other and slamming doors) so yup I don't see many people and on top of that I have this horrible chest cold and at times couldn't talk. I still had to work so even though I feel like pooh there I am working. I also haven't talked to my Mom in a while, a quick call to say happy Mom's day and that was it. This month is really hard Jeff is working 7 am to 3 pm, so our shifts over lap and the only time I really see him is in the am when he stops in to buy a coffee and on the drive to work in the pm. By the time he comes home I'm really tired and ready for bed, in fact so tired that I forgot to lay out the kids meds yesterday and they didn't take them. Jeff has no idea who gets what!!! So yup spending time with my sewing machine becomes a back burner thing, but I promised myself that I would make time for me and I have signed up to do an umbrella swap with one of my yahoo groups and I signed up for a double batch so instead of making 24 I'll be making 48 so a good time to pull out the machine and do something for me!!

The other thing I just haven't gotten around to is making the appointment for Brycen to get his 5 year shots, finally did that too he's gonna hate me once we're done but it's gotta happen I'm sure he'll get over it! It's hard to have to go somewhere and do things that will "hurt" but it's gotta be done. Can we say bribe???

wow I feel awful

2010-05-09T08:14:00.000-07:00

For the last week I have been battling this horrible chest cold. It's been weird one day I feel fine the next day I feel awful, it kind of started with a sore throat and has slowly gotten worse, today I can hardly talk and the worse part yup I work tonight. I hope I'm in the kitchen cause how will I take orders? It's been good for the kids cause I can't yell, no I really mean I CANNOT yell. I'm thinking they are purposely trying to make me yell so it will get worse. Oh well this to shall pass.

Yesterday we had a small accident J'naya had Gracie on her leash when Tony decided that they should race. Well a kid runs in front of Gracie and she takes off, so this caused J'naya to become unbalanced and she fell and scraped her face on the drive way. Needless to say there was blood and alto of pain, in fact she was up crying at night about the pain. We have been putting polysporin on it in an effort to keep it clean, I just hope it doesn't scar.

We also had a fun afternoon outside yesterday alot of fun was had by everyone. I can only hope the fun continues the last few summers have sucked, finding out about the Ph1 and the crazy landlady issues. We have a few fun things planned for the summer and hopefully the all pan out.

Today being Mother's day I think that most of the family has forgotten about the day, I'm currently home alone and I'm okay with that maybe I can get some sleep so I can spend some time with the family later. I am also trying not to focus on the fact that one of my children is with her Dad and another one is dead. Instead I'm trying to remember that I have 3 kids here (hopefully the 4Th one comes home later) and they are my pride and joy!!!

Ph 1

2010-05-05T06:13:00.000-07:00

The kids had their check ups and ultrasounds. In august when Tony had an ultrasound there was spot in his right kidney that looked like it may be a stone. It wasn't shadowing the way stones normally do, so this time the spot was still their but still not shadowing so they have decoded it is not a stone. This means both children are currently stone free. The good news just keeps coming the meds have finally been tweaked enough that they both had good levels. So far so good, as long as we drink LOTS of water and keep taking the meds.

I was so excited to finally get my benefits package so off to the drugstore I go, now I new that the b6 would not be covered and I also new the "new" drug vitamin d wouldn't be covered either but I was sure the K-citra would just because it used to be, Nope I was wrong we now have to pay out of pocket for all of it. It is quite costly, the vitamin D has 100 tablets in the bottle this will last 25 days and costs about $10.00 a bottle (now I could get a cheaper version of this but I opted to get the chocolate flavored chewable ones because the other meds are so big and taste horrible.) the B6 is also roughly $10.00 and has 100 tablets in a bottle but together the kids take 7 of these a day so the bottle will last about 14 days. Lastly there is the K-citra and this is the one that used to be covered and no longer is the cost of these is about $38.00 for a one month supply per child. That's a grand total of $107.00 dollars a month. That's alot now I try to remember that these things are keeping the kids healthy and there for I am VERY thankful that we know about the problem and that the kids a responding to the treatment otherwise we would have some VERY sick kids on our hands!!!

The photo above is the dose of meds that Miss.J takes everyday the smaller ones on the left are the B6 she takes 400mg.and Tony takes 350 once a day, the middle ones are HUGE she takes 2 of these in the morning and two at supper (these are the K-citra) She HATES taking these because they are hard to swallow and they cannot be broken in half or crushed because they will cause ulcers if we do. The ones on the right are the new vitamin D they are a favorite because they taste like chocolate. I try to get them to take them last so that they will "wash" away the taste of the other meds!!!

another weekend busted!!

2010-05-03T05:56:00.000-07:00

This weekend once again started with the disappearance of a certain Teen, I'm so at a loss I just don't know according to her and her Daddy I'm being totally un reasonable. So Friday She was to babysit for me so that I could sleep for a few hours, I woke up to all the kids home and Ashton gone. She finally came home after a few hours. Then Friday night she went to her aunt's which I was okay with at least I trust her aunt. Well she then went to her Dad's and from there to her grandparents. Then she "arrange" to meet up with her friend again. She called and told me she'd be home by 5 at 5:20pm she still wasn't home low and behold she was on her way to pick up yet another Friend to have a sleep over at my house. Apparently her father can now give her permission to have sleepovers at my House??? needles to say I have spent another weekend ruled by her, I'm so done in fact she has been sent to Grandma's house for the week. Hopefully this will give both her and I a break so that we can both think this through.

I get it she's a teen but really spending EVERY waking moment out with friends isn't an option either there has to be boundaries. I am concerned that she'll get in trouble and something bad will happen. I love her and I just want her to be safe.

This weekend I also did something that I really needed to do and haven't done since we moved (yup have felt ALOT of guilt about it to) I went to the cemetery to see Mackenzie. Part of my visit was because of Patches ( becasue tha hyper link doesn't EVER work for me) he's traveling Canada and the U.s to visit bereaved parents and he showed up on my door step so we went for a road trip I'll let the pics tell the story:

Patches had to stop for a "cafine fix"

Then on to see Mackenzie

Then he visited Daniel the angel baby on Mackenzie's right

and Jonathan who is to Maceknzie's left these are the only 3 babies buried here.

then he hung out on Mackenzie's windchime I heard babies sleep better if they can hear windchimes so I always make sure that theres one there for him.

Then it was over to Santiago whose is a very close friends angel baby.

Then of course we had to stop for slurpees.

and to hald moon for lunch where he posed with my rainbow babies.

\

and home again where he hung out with the angels that sit on top of the computer desk where Mackenzie's picture proudly hangs!!!

i want to be left alone

2010-04-24T09:16:00.000-07:00

I just want to be left alone, I'm tired of fighting EVERYONE!!
I'm tired of being told that my house is to dirty, I'm tired of not being good enough, I'm tired of fighting Ashton and her Dad, and Ashton and my Mom and Ashton and my sister.

I'm tired so please leave me alone.

I get it I'm not a good enough house keeper,
I'm not a good enough daughter in law,
I'm not a good enough mother,
I'm not a good enough wife,
I'm not a good enough daughter.

Don't worry I really do get it so please, please just leave me alone!!!

birthdays, birthdays and more birthdays

2010-04-23T15:39:00.000-07:00

This week was Brycen's birthday, he turned 5, when we got pregnant we weren't intending to, we were discussing having a 4 child but had come up with LOTS of reasons not to. (in our defence the only child we planned to get pregnant with and by planned I mean decided to get pregnant this month so that the baby would be born when we wanted and actually tried to get pregnant. We miscarried at 8 weeks and were heartbroken)

The miscarriage happened April 23 , 1999 10 months after the loss of Mackenzie, we have named this baby Alexander Joshua just because I need to. It was a Wednesday night I was home alone Jeff and Ashton went to Awana ( a children's bible club) we knew something was wrong I had started spotting on Sunday spent Monday at the doctors stayed on bed rest for the rest of Monday and Tuesday, went back to work Wednesday the spotting started again and we had an emergency ultrasound on Wednesday lost the baby wendeady night home all by myself. I went back to work the next day, then on Friday Jeff had a planned men's retreat weekend I dropped him off with his uncle then went to the cemetery and sat with Mackenzie and Cried. Normally the owner of the cemetery would come over and chat I guess he realized I needed to be alone, I don't know how long I sat there but I did finally go home. in that moment I had once again lost all my hopes and dreams for my family I was now a dead baby Momma times two and EVERYONE knew we were expecting now we had to tell them that yet again i had failed and the baby was dead. We did not want to try again, we were gonna start the pill the next month, I had to go in and have an ultrasound again to make sure the baby was totally gone, at this ultrasound there was nothing all though the tech said at the last ultrasound there had been two sacks ( what does that mean was it twins???) now nothing and she showed me where I was gonna ovulate from next month (this happens to be Tony) yup we got pregnant again before I could start the pill.

Maybe this is why I have been feeling down in the last few days it has been 12 years since i lost my third baby.

Okay so this started as a post of Brycen's birthday and has somehow turned into Alex's birth story it amazes me that I can miss people that I don't know so much.

We did not plan to get pregnant but we did Brycen's pregnancy was the hardest. I had gestational diabetes I had to test my sugars 4 times a day ( it was VERY expensive) I had to inject insulin twice a day. I had a fetal assessment every week on the same day I could change the time but not the day. We had to see how fast he was growing i was So scared after an UN explained stillbirth and now the diabetes I didn't like the odds of my change for another loss. At 26 weeks I had the stomach flu it was so bad I couldn't keep anything down and ended u in the hospital hooked up to an I.V. and having had a shot of Demerol because I couldn't sleep and was having constant contractions. Once re hydrated my contractions stopped and I was allowed to go home ( since it was Easter Sunday , we went to my Mom and Dad's place the family Had dinner and I took gravel and slept That is the only year I have not had to hunt for my Easter bunny) Needless to say the next week I spent getting ready for this baby I made PILES of food for the freezer so once he came I didn't have to worry about dinners. At 37 weeks the doctor thinned my membranes at my appointment and I started contracting and since I had an induction scheduled for the next week I thought nothing of it. That was on til I talked to a friend and told her what had happened and she informed me that everyone she knew that had had that done had their babies that day. I had been having contractions all day from the time of my appointment but had brushed them off after all I was only 37 weeks. Well I started to pay attention and guess what yup a pattern. I called my Mom and told her I think I'm in labour and the panic began. I lived roughly 1.5 hours from the hospital I was to deliver in and a good 20 inutes from the closet hospital, I was home alone with the other children (3 of them ages 3, 5, and 9) and I did not have a car. Of course Mom says you have to call Jeff so i do and he wants to come home. I tell him not to because I am not known for quick labours. I realize that I have to lead singing at church on Sunday so I call the women how offered to sing for me if Ineeded. she laughs at me because i am worried about this while in labour. My Mom phones every few minutes to make sure things are okay. She wants to come get me and take me to her place. I would rather stay home and labour at home. Finally she convinces me that my sister come stay at my house just in case ( she had an exam the next day and needed to study and wanted to be in delivery with us along with my sister in law) she comes over and studies in my bedroom I go about doing everything I normally do. At one point J'naya had an accident in her pants and I have to clean up the mess, dunning a contraction that at this point is making me catch my breath. I decided to do laundry putting the laundry basket on the floor by my feet so that I have to bend down and pick up each piece to fold it, my sister comes out and yells at me telling me she'll carry it to the table so that I don't have to bend down to which I in from her I did this on purpose if this is gonna happen might as well help it along.

Finally I inform my sister that I think my water broke (all my babies have come within 30 minutes of my water breaking so now everyone is panicked ) she phone my parents to let them know the kids are coming I phones Jeff and tell him to meet us at my Mom's I think my Mom phoned my brother and sister in law. When we get to my parents Jeff is already there. He doesn't want me to go inside my parents meet us in the driveway and they are all trying to push me into the van. I inform them that need to go to the bathroom and am not leaving till I have done so. You should have seen that panic on my Mom's face ( she was at the birth of the other children she knows how quickly this can happen once my water breaks, and he had my sister in 45 minutes and almost didn't make it to the hospital) I go in and use the bathroom and when I come out there they all are standing around waiting for my I start laughing while holding on to the wall cause it hurts. They weren't happy that I was still there. I go get in the van and we head for the hospital.

My sister in law, sister and Jeff are all there, my water has not broken. I walk the halls ane tell the nurse not to ask me about pain meds because i don't want them and if asked I will change my mind and I really don't want them I can do this. At some point it is decided that my sister in law will go home but Kathleen stays. Jeff and Kathleen laugh and joke ( mainly about messing with my bed) the contractions are getting VERY close and VERY hard every time a contraction starts I start crying not really crying but the tears start streaming. I realize that Jeff and Kathleen are suddenly quiet. Jeff finally says i can't do this anymore and asks the nurse for and epidural, the epi arrives quickly and I feel much better. In the am I A.M. getting Close Jeff calls Heater and lets her know that if she still wishes to be at the birth she better hurry. Heather comes back and at 10:38 am our beautiful little boy comes into the world screaming, this is the first time Jeff has seen a baby actually born (he doesn't do blood and guts well) as this was his last chance to watch his child enter the world. Kathleen has tears running down her face and Heather looks amazed. They all take turns holding him and I watch ( I always get the shakes really badly in the final stages of labour). Suddenly there is a phone call and the nurse comes in and tells Kathleen that her Mom is here does she want to step out and talk to her I inform her that this is also my Mom can she bring the kids up and meet their new brother and grandson The nurse tells me that if it's okay with me it's okay with her. I ask that a blanket get thrown over that bed so the kids don't get scared by the blood and in they come. It was a short visit but they al got a chance to meet him. Then things quiet down and I am left alone with my new son and the nurse. I get moved to my room and I here the nurse tell nurse on the postpartum ward that she's bringing over a Mrs. Reimer but no worries she's very expericned and knows what she's doing ( you think this is baby number 5 ;-) )

Brycen Cole was born April 19, 2005 at 10:38 am weighing in at 8 lbs. 7 0z. and cute as a button.

My Mom says that God gave us Brycen because he knew we had hard times coming and we would need something to laugh at and i think she's right he's ALWAYS doing something to make us laugh ( however we won't go into the things that he does to scare us like poisoning himself and putting a button up his nose!!! for more baby bear stories click on baby bear)

We love our babybear a.k.a stink or Brycen.

the scare of my life

2010-04-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

The kids have had run of this house long enough, the decsion has been made that things WILL change.
I knew yesterday that when it was announced that things would change that it was gonna be bad, I just didn't realize how bad. You see Ashton was REALLY mad over the change infact so mad that she ran away. Yup she ran away she snuck out of the house and took off, for a while I was able to follow her, but she had an unfair advantage, she was by herself I had J'naya and Brycen with me and I could only move so fast. At some point I lost her (or she lost me depending on how you look at it). Now in order to file a missing persons report, you have to look every where you think your child will hve gone. I did that infact some of the places were visited a few times by myself and other people who were looking. I had a good idea of where she might have headed. Turns out I was right, I just wasn't there the same times she was. Ashton was gone for 4 and a half hours...... The longest 4 and a half hours of my life. You see we haven't lived in the city very long, There are some questionable characters on our street and I just wasn't convinced she was gonna come home. I'm happy to report that she is home and she is safe.

These are the new rules laid out yesterday, 2 nights a week with a friend ( she was spending every waking moment out with her friends) in the house by 10 pm, no phone calls or internet after 10pm. Lights out at 11pm on school nights. (she was staying up till 3 am on school nights) these new rules were laid out in a clam setting needless to say they were not well recived. These rules don't just allpy to one child but to all of them. Infact Tony will also be signed up for Tae kwon doe to see if we can instill some self control and teach some respect. I'm scared of some of the deiscions he has been making and hopefully we can get him back on the right track before it gets really bad. He's not happy about this!!

Now this is not all the kids fault some of it is our fault (Jeff and myself) we have just been WAY to easy with the rules and pretty much letting them get away with things they shouldn't and that is mainly becasue of guilt.
Things have to change we have to gain back control and are gonna do it, regradless of yesterdays events the rules stand.

The other thing that REALLY bothers me is the Mother in law, while I was out she came here and was cleaning my house No one was home. She's embrassed by how "messy" my house is, um hello I have 4 kids and I work over nights yup sometimes I don't feel like cleaning nor do I believe children should not be allowed to play so yup sometimes there's toys on the floor. Most times my house isn't spotless but nor is it a sty. I am not a stay at home home who simply cleans all the time, but if you don't like the place the way it is don't come over I'm so tired of being judged by everyone.

My kids are my proity today being a prime example, yup I could be in the house cleaning but I chose to go outside and play with the kids. Once they are grown I'll worry about having a spotless house. Actually proablly not I'll have Grand babies and I'll worry about spending time with them!!!

ph1, the dog , ants and family dinners

2010-04-14T15:59:00.001-07:00

Now that summer is finally here and it looks like it will stay, we have ants not your average tiny little ants, nope huge ants. We went to the store and spent 10 dollars hopefully this will solve the problem!!! I don't mind ants but not in my house!!!

As for the dog, she's the cutest little gal, she does have some behavioral problems she barks at EVERYONE even though I'm sure that she would never bite unless she thought that one of "her" kids was getting hurt or in danger. In fact I was tickling Brycen and she was in my face not sure how to react. She loves sleeping with the kids, she crawls up into the kids beds and sleeps there all night. If she sees me gonna have a nap on the sofa she'll crawl up and nap with me. I wonder where I can take her or find out how to break the barking habit. The one condition on Jeff agreeing ON the dog was that I not buy fabric for 2 months, well there are always ways around that you see I got a gift card from the fat quarter shop so I finally used it and got some great charms.

So I'm a HUGE believer in family dinners when I was a kid we ALWAYS ate dinner together as a family at the dinner table. I want that for my kids, however with the shifts we are now working it is hard the hubby only has Tuesday and Wednesday off and works night and when he works days I'm sleeping ( since I sleep when he is home so I can work overnights.) so today we had family dinner night, the teenager was NOT happy. She said she wasn't hungry and even tried to bring here homework to the table and refused to eat. In the end she didn't talk but she did eat. One day she'll understand.

On the PH1 note, we have up coming appointments and I'm worried, we have ultrasounds and need to do a 12 hour urine, I'm hoping things are still okay. J'naya is the one I'm the most worried about she has been complain ALOT about belly aches and most importantly back aches, in fact last week there was a disscions about an E.R visit. But because of the upcoming visits we didn't ( however we would have if the pain become un bareable) it's really hard to know when to go and when not to, I don't want to damage her kidneys but I also don't want to cry wolf.

scary

2010-04-10T11:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got the scare of a life time, now because my kids are country kids at heart they just don't get the whole stay in the yard deal. I have to watch them like hawks, now it doesn't help that most of the kids on the street just do their own thing or maybe I'm just to worried. I want my kids to stay in my yard, preferably the back yard. There is a park at the end of the street that they occasionally go to but only all together. So this week has been a HUGE test of faith, I send the kids outside with orders to stay in the backyard only to go check on them, ( I always have the window open) so if it is suddenly quiet I check asap, now this is what happened, it suddenly got silent, I look out the back window no kids, I go look out the front window there they are, Tony and J'naya on the sidewalk with their bikes Brycen sitting on the sidewalk petting a dog, I continue to watch for a few minutes. The dog goes on his way finishing his walk, Brycen gets on his bike, I watch thinking he's gonna come back up on to the sidewalk. To my horror nope he does not pull onto the sidewalk he goes straight out onto the street, into the path of an on coming car. I scream and run from the window to the door, yank open the door and bolt out, in time to see the car pass, as I look over I see that Brycen is still on his bike UN harmed. I then holler at him to bring his bike home, that's when Gracie ( our dachshund) goes racing out the door barking of course. Following closely behind is Ashton yelling at me because the dog got out. Now I love my dog but really if I have to choose the dog or Brycen it's not even close Brycen wins. So as I bolt out the door my only thought is he's gonna get hit, please Lord don't let him get hit. I am already an angel Mommy and I'm telling you I CANNOT do that again. I of coruse am so relived that he is okay, but he did get a serve tongue lashing. I also have taken away the bike, when will he get it back I'm not sure but for now no bike. It's not like he's 2 and doesn't know better he's almost 5 (his birthday is the 19 th of this month) he knows better and if he can't follow the rules he can't have the bike so simple!!!

The other thing that happened yesterday I went to pick up a few cross stitch books I have been wanting and found for cheap on kijiji ( I love kijiji.) but I got lost in the process, I looked up the directions before I left ( I was going to garden city) but I didn't print them, I went the wrong way and finally bought a map book to correct myself. Now I have lived in Liabu for 10 years I could get there from Libau but not from here. Then I couldn't for the life of me figure out how I got there or how to get back, I finally figured out how to get to the perimeter and then I could get home. In the mean time my kid have been locked out of the house. I lost Jeff's house key, or rather it feel off of the key ring at My Mom's house so it's not lost it's just not here. So Jeff took Ashton's key which means the kids are locked out and they have gone over to Jeff's Mom's house. I spot them as I drive by and stop to pick them up. All in all it has been a long week, only to become an even longer weekend as we struggle to figure out who really rules this house and to have the kids understand!!

let the yelling commence

2010-04-08T14:58:00.000-07:00

so yesterday after school, J'naya and Tony come bursting into the house and J'naya is crying and Tony is scared. The first thing the say is Emma's (name has been changed) Mom is gonna come over and tell on us. Shortly there after there's a banging sound like the cops have arrived, sfter a short discussion it is decided that I should go to the door. I open the door and sure enough there stands Emma's Mom shaking with anger. Emma had been giving J'naya a hard time all day, in fact she had even claimed that J'naya had hurt her to a teacher to which J'naya got in trouble. (Now I am not one of those Moms that thinks my kids NEVER do anything wrong my kids are not angels however it takes 2 to tango) So Tony stepped up to defend his little sister in the process one of Tony's friends (who's father just doesn't care and couldn't be bothered to do anything with his kids) opens his mouth and starts yelling at Emma's Mom. Now Emma's Mom is standing at my door claiming that Tony was swearing st her, I explain that yes I am aware of the fact that Tony and this said kid get themselves into trouble and am trying to "fix" this problem, and I will deal with my children then I suggest that instead of banging on my door yelling she to should deal with her child as her child is not the only child hurt here. She then storms off in a huff saying her boyfriend will be back to deal with this. Deal with what they are 8 years old, they are girls, it's gonna happen they will figure it out, I'm not gonna tell J she has to walk with Emma all the time, or that Emma can be her only friend!!! Emma's Mom then goes home and calls the school to tell on Tony, here's what she doesn't tell them, the fact that she in the past she has called Tony an a**hole and flipped him the bird, we had a talk with Tony about it and told him to avoid her. She also doesn't realize that Ashton is walking right behind them and has witnessed what has just happened and Tony DID NOT SWEAR OR YELL AT HER!!!

So an 8 year old girls argument has turned into all out war, Not 3 hours latter the boyfriend comes over, Emma is an angel and did nothing wrong and my children horrible and at fault for everything. What ever I deal with my kids you deal with yours. To solve this problem we get bike locks and the kids ride their bikes to school together. Then call the school and explain our side of the story cause really kids will argue and it will get worse.

Here's the catch today they are friends again! Really they will figure it out there doesn't need to be parental involvement in everything they have to figure things out and the whole my child in innocent and yours isn't is ridiculous they were all guilty in their own way!!!

still

2010-04-03T20:47:00.001-07:00

still
Here are the long awaited lyrics I have heard this song a few times on CHVN and I have never known the song title or artist but my wonderful hubby was listening tonight while at work and found out. She is singing to her still born child I have yet to find the C.D and find out the details but here are the lyrics and they ring true with this baby loss momma!!!Its by Sarah Folden

I shortened the lyrics for repetition
She sings like an angel
Still by Sarah Folden
I’ve been waiting for you for such a long time;
you’re always on my mind.
And I’m lying awake,
most of the night,
waiting to hold you tight.

Lost in time,
lost in space,
can’t wait to see your face.
Now that I do
and look at you,
my heart is breaking,
this can’t be true.

Close to my heart,
close to my soul,
right from the start.
Lost you before I found you,
gone before you came,
but I love you just the same.
Missed you before I met you,
but in heaven we will meet again.
.

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do,
with this pain that I am going through,
but I know one day,
God will take me away
and I’m coming home to you.
And when I do and look at you,
my heart is healing,
I know its true;
In heaven we’ll meet again.
__________________

sweet memories

2010-04-03T15:18:00.000-07:00

This week I was to go to my Thursday morning bible study, couldn't do it, it is REALLY hard to work 8 hours overnight and go out once I get home, instead I went to sleep. When I crawled into bed my Brycie was in bed, he kind of sat up and stretched and went back to sleep I asked him if he wanted a pillow, he nodded and I slipped a pillow under his head. Then I rubbed the top of his head and told him I loved him to which I was rewarded with a HUGE sleepy grin. It's moments like this that make it worth it!!

I have memories of each of my babies locked in my head, one of the sweetest ones of Ashton is when she was just tiny she was screaming at 3:00 am, I was so frustrated ( I was a 17 year old single mom and was crying right along with her) when she suddenly stopped, she had caught sight of her own hand and was fixed on the fact that it moved!! Needless to say we were able to settle down and go back to sleep. With Tony I would say it was when he was put under to break up kidney stones at the age of three,you see Tony was avery happy go lucky child and before he was put under he was hamming it up with all the nurses. Once he came to he was so mad he wouldn't talk to anyone. With Miss. J it would have to be the way she LOVED my Dad, I mean LOVED my Dad and my father in law (though that has changed and she is now scared of my father in law) no one could do anything for her when my Dad was around.
I also have a memory of my sweet angel baby I can still feel the place where his sweet little face last touched mine right before the nurse took him away from me forever.

I look forward to making more memories and can only hope that my children also have special memories locked away and always know how much I love them!!

ughhh Life

2010-03-30T15:48:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I blogged, well things are still humming along, the kids are "healthy" but there has been a minor glitch there has been talk of having tubes put into the kidneys to feed water into the kidneys all the time (though it sounds like this would mainly be at night) I just don't know how to get them to drink more, I try alot of ways to "trick" fluids into them, I.e. offering chocolate milk (which is a high oxalate and a no no) if they follow it with water, giving them frozen yogurt pops, freezies (you lots of sugar but it works) soups. It is REALLY hard to get them to drink two litters of water everyday. The meds to are a hard thing to stay on top of, J'naya is so against her meds she will hide them so she won't have to take them I have to stand over her so she'll take them. She just doesn't get that she could face a transplant if she doesn't take them or worse she could go into renal failure ar even die. How do you explain that without scaring her?? I just find this whole thing VERY hard. There are also things that they are not to eat like chocolate and strawberries kids love these things and mine aren't allowed to have them.

Those are just the things about the kids that have been hard there is also my job, it seems that no matter what I do it is not enough, I'm not doing enough and the people around me are doing to much?? How is this possible I can handle a restaurant full of people I have to take care of and do all my dishes by myself up I can't work an overnight shift in a fast food restaurant? i just don't get it and have NEVER been this stressed over a job before. In fact I dread going to work I just never know what it will be like today!!!
I wish I could go there do my job (and be aware of what is expected before the end of my shift) and go home and not worry about it!!

The other thing is having moved into the city from a nother city has been hard although I`m closer to family I really feel alone, my friends don`t live here and I really don`t have friends in the city, most of this is my fault I don`t call and I should, but working over nights is hard and sleep is not always available.
I have to sleep when Jeff is home or the kids are sleeping so a `normal`sleep day for me is from 7:30am to 1:00 pm then up with the kids until they go to bed and sometimes I snooze on the sofa form 9:00pm to 10:30 pm when I have to get ready for work. That however will change next month when Jeff works 1pm to 9pm. I`m not sure when I will sleep then I will probably sleep from 7:30 am to 12:00pm hopefully I can function on that then there are the days that I can`t sleep last week I think I slept a total of 20 hours all week. Sleep is not something I get alot of. Then when people phone I get complaints that all I ever do is sleep I wish!!!

On the upside the children got a dog she`s a miniature dachshund she`s 11 months old and her name is Gracie she`s a doll, her family could no longer care for her and they contacted me on kijiji.com from an add I placed months ago and had forgotten about. It`s about time something good has happened for my kids the deserve good things to!!!

I Hate My Job!!!

2010-03-14T13:08:00.000-07:00

I'm seriously thinking of quiting my job, I hate going there and it's not really the job I hate but the people or person I work under, I just don't get why but she seems to hate my and therefore is trying to make my life miserable I don't know what to do!!!

this and that

2010-03-06T14:01:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I posted, It`s VERY hard to work overnights, I do not want Brycen to have to ga to day care so I sleep when Jeff is home, so for the last few months Jeff was on days so I was up with Brycen during the day and when Jeff or Ashton came home at 3:30 is I went to sleep, now sleeping with 4 kids in the house is not always easy. Especially since Jeff and Ashton CANNOT get along with out beig babysat at ALL!!!! so there have been times that I would get 12 hours of sleep over 4 or 5 days!! I was not a happy camper, and I barely got to see the kids. This month Jeff is on evenings so I get to sleep from 7:30 amd to 1:00pm, so as far as sleep goes it is more then normal!!! Last week I was to have the week off since they were renoing the resturant then on saturday I got an email saying nope we changed our miinds you have to come in, so I worked at my store and was borrowed to another store for a night. I think the reno`s are now done anbd things should get back to normal now hopefully!!!

Last week saturday was J`naya`s birthday party, we had a total of 10 kids with J`naya and Brycen itr went really well, we had the party at the bowling alley and she got a PIKE of littlest pet shop toys. Then on sunday it was my birthday which passed without a lot of fan fare however Tony came into my bedroom in the morning and said Mom please don`t get out of bed we are gonna bring you breakfast in bed, which they did, I expected a bowl of cheerios and got, a pepperoni sandwich, cheese and crackers, potato chips, apple juice and a piece of cheese cake. Then when i was almost done they ran me a bath and left me alone to enjoy!!

In the afternoon my sister in law had a norwex party and they had a cake and sang happy birthday to me

I lived to tell about it

2010-02-27T14:25:00.000-08:00

I do not do birthdays every year so every second year the kids get a party, well this was that year so both Tony and J'naya have had thier birthdays and I'm still here.

Tony's party was a simple in home party that I screwed up the days instead of friday like I thought it was actually saturday, but it went pretty well. For J'naya I cheated and did it at the bowling alley, nothing to prepare just bring us cake and goodie bags and they do the rest it was great!!!

I didn't think of that!!

2010-02-26T15:03:00.000-08:00

So this week I FINALLY got to church it has been a LONG time and I have missed it alot, but with one vehicle and Jeff working days on Sunday and Me starting my week at 11 pm on Sunday well you can see why it has been hard. Any way I went and because it was the same week as our appointment with the doctor I decided to ask for prayer for J'naya and Tony (I'll explain in detail what is going on with them in a second) you see we have praise and prayer time every week and it is basically a time to share the good and the bad that has happened over the last week and to pray about both, so as they were praying for the kids, he said"help the medicine heal the children" my first thought is that is not gonna happen, it was then that i realized. ONLY GOD can cure the children of this disease without transplants. I have NEVER thought to even ask God to cure them, I have begged, cried even pleaded with God to keep my children healthy and not allow them to die. But I have NEVER asked him to heal them, why not?? Do I think he can't? No it just never crossed my mind, I was supposed to be there this week so I would hear this and ask!!!

Does this mean that they will be healed? Nope it simply means I will ask sometimes the answer is no, and I"ll come to terms with that as it happens.

After our appointment with the doc, I was somewhat down, you see we saw a new doc and every time we see a new doc the same questions get asked, which child has the disease? How many children do you have? Have any children died? Why did he die? Do you think that maybe it is PH1 related? Then I spend the next few days wondering even hoping that, that is the case. Why you ask?? Cause then it's not my fault.

I do realize that there is a very high case that my kids will need new livers at some point maybe even new kidneys. We were told that they will never get better they will get worse, and it could be fatal. I prefer not to think of the could be's and rather live in the nows, right now they are as healthy as they can be while living with PH1. The one little glitch is the talk of putting tubes in to feed water to the kidneys overnight, and adding to the anti-stone meds ( i know that's not the right word for it but the "real" name is gone at this point) What I didn't ask is what that would mean in terms of their kidneys and infections, I guess we will deal with that as it happens, for now we will pray for healing!!!

baby quilts

2010-01-26T16:30:00.001-08:00

I just posted a couple of pics of two of the quilts I recently did for friends babies on my other blog fabricischeaperthentherapy.blogspot.com/
I think I finally figured out this whole hyper link thing!!!

spending time with God

2010-01-26T15:58:00.000-08:00

After having a conversation recently about spending time with God, I decided that on my walk to and from work (ten minutes one way) would be a perfect time to spend some time with God as in praying and listening to music and praising God. Obviously I cannot read my bible as I walk, something that I struggle with anyway I'm hoping that this is a start and it will keep my wanting more.

However work is been a slight challenge not that I don't like work I do, I just don't like the things that are happening at work, being ignored all the time (thus making it look like i don't know what I'm doing) other people taking credit for the things that I'm doing and were my ideas to begin with. The things that bother me the most are the bold face lies that are being told about me. I'm just not sure how to handle this situation being the new girl and all. All I know is it is not my job to make other people look good they should being doing that for themselves and it is not my job to run the restaurant by myself, and setting up another employee for failure in front of the boss or demeaning another employee in front of a customer just isn't right!!!

I know it seems like a big complain fest today but I'm feeling not missed by my family too, recently Ashton called me a b**** is that okay? Nope and yup we came down hard. The response my Mom wanted to come rescue Ashton and DID not back me up. I'm so tried if ALWAYS being wrong and it makes me wonder if it's all worth it?

These are all things that I just don't know how to handle and wish I did. In fact it has gotten so bad that when my Mom calls here her only concern is where is Ashton even when I answer the phone then when I saw what about me she says your always sleeping, yup I sleep when Jeff is home, which is usually in the evening can I help it nope I'm working overnights that's what I need to do right now. To bad no one seems to understand, when I invite people over no one comes, I'm the last person to find out things in fact it's so bad that if someone were to move I'd probably find out 6 months later. And yes part of it is my fault I could pick up the phone and call, but I feel like it's a chore for people to have to talk to me, and yes I have been taking my meds!

paint and children

2010-01-16T13:17:00.000-08:00

this is a pic of the walls that will now be red instead of this green that TONY hated!!!
Since Tony's birthday is so close to Christmas I must admit that most years he gets "ripped" off, he usually gets clothes for his birthday because really he just got PILES of toys. Well this year he deiced ed that he would like new bedding and this has in turn turned into a mini bedroom makeover of sorts. Now since both boys share a room I wanted to be sure that both bedding sets and paint colors would match. Then in true Grandma style my mother went and bought paint for the room even after talking to me about it and completely ignoring tha fact that I did not want to change Brycen's bedding as well. Now I know she was just trying to make Tony happy but really what about my pocket book? Anyhow she called me and asked how much paint she should buy (Tony wanted Red and Blue) I told her that a gallon of blue and a smaller tin of red would be lots. Since Brycen's bedding has NO red in it I really wanted his side of the room to be more blue then red. I will not be changing his bedding as he has only had it for about a year and he still LOVES Diego. So she bought 2 gallons of blue and one of red. This is WAY to much paint, what will I do with it all, she said i should paint J's room blue to fair?? I think not she wants pink. So far all the walls that will be blue have been painted and we still have a full gallon left. I'm hoping I can take it back to the hardware store and get it darkened?? Then Ashton can use it in her room. Tomorrow morning we will be adding the red, so in the windows and the wall right next to Tony's bed and the part of the wall that sticks out next to the door will be painted red as well as the baseboards. So most of the red will be on Tony's side of the room. I'm trying to get this all finished for next weekend as Tony is supposed to be having a birthday party however we have handed out 10 invites and so far no R.S.V.P's to speak of???? Wonder what that's about. So Tony got new bedding and I found a scoreboard light on Kijiji for sale that will be perfect in there now to find some night tables.

huh???

2010-01-15T07:56:00.000-08:00

So we found out that in fact Jeff's old employer has called back EVERYONE expect Jeff, he's hurt after 7 years you'd think they could at least call. He had no intention of going back but the courtesy of a call would have been nice .
Feels like a slap in the face!!
Oh well life goes on.
What is with the different shifts competing all the time, really we all have a job to do when something on one shift isn't done you'd think the other shift would step up and help but no it turns into a HUGE deal, it's just silly really it shouldn't be like that do I think one shift is Superior to another? Nope we are all there to do a job, I just wish that people would realize that sometimes we are short a person and that means that someone else has to do that persons share of the work. Since there are only 5 people on our shift at any given point when one person is missing we all feel it, so what if we forgot to do one thing it won't kill you to do it for us.
That's my rant about that.
On the upside I got LOTS of sleep yesterday because my mother in law took Brycen for me!!! It felt good to sleep!!! Amazing how much a little sleep will make life better. I really was at the point where I would have just cried I was that tired. I figure I got about14 hours all week until yesterday so again a huge thank you to my Mother in law. Thanks MOM <3
so for January it is REALLY nice here in sunny winterpeg it is only -5*F that folks is nice, like open the windows and let in the fresh air nice!! I'm not sure what we did to deserve this but it's feeling great!!!

2010-01-13T08:38:00.001-08:00

http://preemieonesiedrive.blogspot.com/

babies in need

2010-01-13T08:10:00.002-08:00

Please check out the post below and help reach the goal!!!!

2010-01-13T08:10:00.001-08:00

Tony

2010-01-12T08:37:00.000-08:00

I thi=ought I had posted about each child's birth and yet as I'm looking through the "old" posts I can't find Tony's birth story. We got pregnant with Tony 4 weeks after our first miscarriage the Dr. did not want us to get pregnant for 3 months. With the first miscarriage I had an ultrasound where they found out that the baby had stopped growing at 4 1/2 weeks (I was 8 weeks pregnant) shortly after that ultrasound I lost the baby, then I had to go back for a follow up appointment to make sure that there wasn't anything left that could cause us problems in the future. At that ultrasound the tech showed me where I would ovulate from ( that would now be Tony) I think it's neat that I saw him before he was (if that makes sense). Anyhow Tony's pregnancy was HARD I had stress headaches ALL the time, in fact I only worked for a short time and spent the rest of the time at home. I just couldn't handle the thought that my baby might die. Near the end of the pregnancy we went every 2 weeks for an assessment and I was told that if ever I had a concern about the babies movement I could come in and they would do an assessment for me!! Anyhow there were no real concerns durning this pregnancy other then I was sure he wouldn't make it. we were induced on the morning of Jan. 13, 2000. My labour progressed rather quickly at some point I was given an epidural. At 8:20 pm I was fully dilated, I was asking the dr. to please check me. He wouldn't he just kept saying we have called your Dr. and she will be here any minute. I was hooked up to a fetal heart monitor and only allowed off of it for 15 minutes at a time. Well suddenly the heart beat was gone, of course we freaked out at that point. The Dr. said he was gonna put a monitor on the babies head so that we wouldn't lose the heartbeat again. I remember begging the Dr. to please let me deliver and he just kept saying no, they gave me Thea gas mask and told me to use that, I even told the Dr. he was lucky he was a Cross the room and I couldn't feel my legs because if he got to close I was gonna kick him. I asked Jeff to help me stand up cause I told him then the baby would fall right out. Well when he decided to do the monitor change he came up over to the foot of the bed and he pulled up the blanket and looked over his shoulder at the student that was with him and said to her how do you feel about delivering this baby HE'S RIGHT HERE!!! I just looked at him and said I've been telling you that for a while now. When they finally allowed me to push Anthony was born in 2 pushes.Anthony Braedyn Reimer was born on Jan.13, 2000 at 9:06 pm, I cried so hard as soon as he cried I just couldn't believe that he was alive. I kept saying to Jeff over and over oh Jeff look he's breathing you have to look at him he's actually breathing. Now I always get the shakes really bad when I'm ready o deliver so it's always a little while before I actually hold that baby because I don't want to drop the baby so when I finally dared hold him. I nursed him. While I was nursing him I told the nurse that there was something wrong he wasn't breathing right. She said he just had some Flem in his throat. We went with it finally I he was taken to the nursery and I was moved to my room, My Mom ( who had been there for the birth) and Jeff both went home. I had just fallen asleep when a women came into my room and explained to me that indeed there was something wrong with my babies breathing and that he had been moved into the N.I.C.U and that I should call the nurse in the morning and that she would show me how to get in to see him. That is pretty much all I remember form the conversation. When morning rolled around I did just that I called the nurse and explained that I would like to go see my baby but at this point I didn't even know where he was. She took me down and showed me how to call into N.I.C.U and tell them who I was they buzzed me in and explained that every time I came in I was to wash my hands and arms very well and then showed me where my baby was. I was lead to an incubator with my beautiful son in it (he was huge compared to the other babies he was 7 lbs. 12 oz. the baby next to him was born at 4 lbs and the twins across the way were even smaller) but he was hooked up to so many machines he had two leads to monitor his breathing, one for his heart rate, one to monitor his co2 levels and an I.V. so it was all a little scary. It so happens that I came in at change over so the nurses were Ina meeting, I could see them all standing there but no one cam,e over to me. I sat in the chair staring at my baby wondering if it was bad, it sure looked it!! When they were done Tony's nurse came over and put her hand on my shoulder and asked how I was I started to cry, I told her I was scared and I didn;t know what was happening. She assured me that while they didn't know what was wrong they did know that he was okay, and were still waiting on test results she then explained what all the leads were. Then she allowed me to hold and nurse him. It really wasn't as bad as it looked. After a while I was sent back to my room to rest. At that point I called my Mom, I made her promise she wouldn't tell Jeff that the baby was in the N.I.C.U I wanted to tell him and I would tell him when he got there that evening. Of course when a baby is in the N.I.C.U they don't allow everyone in to see him so only Jeff, myself my parents and Ashton were allowed to see him while he was there. When Jeff came to see us that night I explained of co ruse we were concerned. Tony was born on a Thursday they allowed me to stay with him till Monday then they sent me home. Again I went home with empty arms I cried all the way to my Mom's house (because we lived in Libau 1 1/2 hours form the hospital we stayed at my Mom's for almost a week before the birth and after to) When i saw my Mom I just sobbed, I cried myself to sleep that night. The next day Jeff dropped me at the hospital at 6:00 am then went to work and Tony went for a C.T. scan. All day I waited for the results of the scan but there was a baby brought in with some major heart problems. Anyhow when Jeff got there the plan was that we were gonna go for dinner at hi auntie's house in fact Ashton had been dropped off there because she didn't want to come to the hospital. Well right before we were going to leave the doctor came to see us. He asked if we wanted to take our baby home that night, boy did we ever, he explained what was wrong ( that his one nasal passage was smaller then it should be and that hie threaca wasn't cartaliage the was it should be and was partially collapsing. From there it was decided that we would go have dinner then go home and get the car seat and come back and when we got back he would be ready to go home. The nurse heard us say we were going to surprise my parents and we knew that they had no plans to visit that night ( it had been a very long 5 days since he was born) what we didn't know was that my Dad was going to phone to see how he was. When he phoned he spoke with Tony nus re and she asked if he would be seeing me today? He said yes of course and she said well I'll let her explain what's going on. Of cor use they thought something was wrong, we didn't know that this was happening. We did everything as fast as we could we just wanted to bring our baby home. When we got to my parents house Jeff put the car seat in the kitchen on the floor and my sister came into the living room demanding to know what was happening, all I said was aren't you even going to undress your nephew, she said yeah right he's not in there. I just told her to take a second look at that point she yelled at my Mom "Mom they brought the baby home" it didn't take but a minute for my Mom to appear again tears were shed this time all happy tears. That is when my parents explained how worried they were, but it was a very good surprise!!! The reason i was looking for Tony's birth story is that tomorrow is Tony's 10 birth I can't believe how fast time passes!!!

Really???

2010-01-09T07:40:00.000-08:00

This week our postal carrier knocked on the door, We had a registered letter, my first thought.... He didn't really (thinking it was from Ashton's Dad's lawyer,I must note that we do not have a court order, we never have, we have always been adults about this and wanted Ashton not to be in the middle that is until now that's why I really don't get this...anyhow that's not what this post is about) after a quick glance to see where it came from I realize nope it's from Jeff's former job. A quick letter to say that after the temporary lay off that came in November and was to be only for 8 weeks, it still has not picked up and he will not be called back (not that he was going back he is now employed else where and LOVES his job, and hopefully here there won't be the whole I'm the "boss' " friend so I can walk around all day texting on my phone and pretty much doing nothing, with no family to support and not get laid off, while the hard working people with families who have worked there longer get let go) Long story short A BIG FAT lie, we know that they have been calling people back but apparently no one there can man up and make a call. A simple we know you have a new job and so we'll lay you off call. Nope a letter full of lies form a company who prides themselves on being "Christian" . I just don't get it am I saying that EVERYTHING I do is right ummmmm NO, no one is perfect I just think that this was handled way wrong. 7 years of hard work, going to work when he was puking, only leaving when he HAD to. And this is how it ends a letter full of lies. He's hurt to say the least. They could have had the balls to call!!!

My Family

2010-01-08T07:43:00.000-08:00

I added a few new things to my blog, one being the silhouette family, as you can see Mackenzie is being held above Jeff's head and is a baby even though he was born almost 13 years ago and the reason I chose this is because he's always going to be a baby in my eyes. I'm not sure what he'll be like when I finally meet him, but it's just to hard to imagine him as a pre teen. Wow he'd be a pre teen, I'd have 3 children in double digits. Well almost Tony hits the big 10 next week. The other new thing is the play list, some of my favorite songs, I LOVE Mercy Me and their song I can only imagine, because I can only imagine what my response will be when I finally see Jesus face to face. The other song on there Amazing Grace, both of these songs usually move me to tears, I can only imagine because it's just so powerful and amazing grace because it's about the only thing I remember about Mackenzie's funeral, other then my milk finally coming in and how much it hurt, yet another reminder that there was no baby to feed, so it hurt emotionally and physically. Anyhow just wanted to do a quick post to point out the "new" things happening in my little bloggy world!!!

I just don't get it!!

2010-01-07T06:14:00.000-08:00

I have been a Mom for 14 years, that's right folks I became a Mom at 17, I loved Aston's Dad, I was heart broken when the relationship ended. I would not have chosen this but because of choices he made this is how it had to be. For 1 and a half years I was a single Mom...... it was hard, I still went to school and I worked like I said it was hard. Child support has been there but has been missed at times, so it's not always dependable!! Anyhow when Miss. Ashton was 2 I married Jeff, I have known Jeff since I was 12, Jeff has been Ashton's Dad for 12 years. Now that Ashton is 14 her Dad has finally bought a house and moved out of his parents house. Now he wants my daughter!! I will not give up my daughter, I don't care that I have other children (he doesn't) She's still my kid and I can't let her go. He's VERY angry and she doesn't want to go. She would prefer to have life stay the same. Now if only I could get him to back down, and stop picking fights. The fighting is hurting Ashton way doesn't he get that? I no longer will be expecting child support, he uses this as an excuse to demand things, if he gives me money I will rip it up or burn it, I don't want his money it feels like blood money a good reason for him to cause trouble. I NO LONGER WANT ANY MONEY FROM HIM!!!

How does a person change so much?? How can you love someone so much and have that someone be so different, in the same thought I know that I no longer am the same person that I was 14 years ago, I'd like to think that I an still compassionate person. I know I'm different life has had ALOT of hard lessons for me. I'd also like to think that I'm stronger in my faith with God, The one thing that I have learned is that God is always there even when we think he's not, sometimes he just steps back and lets us find him, he's always there waiting with open arms wanting to be there for us!!!

here we go again This is another Mom post and it deals with poop

2010-01-04T06:46:00.000-08:00

So it's a new year and life seems to have settled, do I enjoy working overnights, it could be worse. I really think it's not as bad as everyone thought it would be, however sometimes sleep is hard to come by. Eventually it works out, and lucky me that children asked for pizza pops for lunch that's easy enough.
Yesterday Ashton came home from her Dad's house and he dropped a bomb, he wants Ashton to live with him for 2 weeks out of the month!!! Does he really think this is going to happen? I don''t think so I don't just give my kids away!! Seriously I have NEVER said no to him spending extra time with her, he just never did. and he can pick her up whenever he wants for extra time, but her moving out of my home I don't think so!!With that being said let's see how things work out!!
I pray that whatever happens, it be the best thing for Ashton, not for me and not for her Dad but for Ashton, cause that's what this is all about!!
So over the last week I have barely seen my hubby, Jeff is now working on his on as a driver for CAA and HE LOVES IT!!! I don't think he could have found a more perfect job!! But with him being on the bottom of the totem pole, he has to work the shifts that have been given to him and since I work overnights you see how a problem can suddenly appear. Well last week was no exception I work 11pm to 7 am, and he was working 6 am to 2 pm. Now normally Ashton is here,so she babysits for us, but she went to her friends house and then to Daddy's house so she was gone those two days. So my parents took the 3 younger ones for a sleep over, that stretched to 2 nights. When the kids came home they were excited and had lots of things to tell us, mostly about Buddy( my Dad's beagle). There was however one thing that all three children told me, at different times completely un aware that anyone else had told me. What is that you ask well the exciting thing they did was watch Dr.Oz. Yup Dr. Oz, now this wasn't just any Dr.Oz. show nope this one was about poop!!! And that's why this was so exciting, yup Tony told me all about good fats and bad fats and the sound your poop should make when it hits the water!! Brycen informed me that there were 2 ladies on the show that had to show Dr. Oz what their poop looked like by forming it from clay (that really looked like poop) and J'naya just mentioned that they watch the Dr. Oz show and it was about poop she's not nearly as excited about it as the boys, being a girl and all. So this was the highlight of their visit to Grandma and Grandpa's wait till I tell the folks!!!

new years!!

2010-01-01T16:02:00.000-08:00

It is January 1 2010, over the last few days several people have asked what my new years resolutions will be my answer I really don't know!!! I have thought about it and here's what I have come up with:
-I resolve not to let a day go by without the children having there medicine (sometimes it gets forgotten because we're out)
-I resolve to ALWAYS carry a water bottle, because of the kidney stones the kids are always supposed to have access to water but again it's easy to leave the house without water.
-I resolve to try and give up my pop addiction and drink water instead.
-I resolve to try and forgive myself for the loss of Mackenzie, and this is the BIGGY, cause I just don't know where to start or how to do this.

So there it is my resolutions for the year!!!

gonna be a good year!!!

2009-12-31T05:43:00.000-08:00

I came here to quickly post!!! I have just come home from yet another overnight (it's the only shift I work) and all is quiet!!! The oldest girl went to a friends house for a sleepover and the youngest three are at grandma and grandpa house!!! I had to walk home this morning because the hubby is working his very first shift as a tow truck driver (all the other shifts were training) today he is all by himself!! He is a touch nervous about it but who are we kidding he couldn't be working a job more perfect for him!!! He will do just fine and he LOVES it!! It's just a touch cold outside -15 but it feels like -35 with the windchill. Anyhow I'm sitting in my brand new Jammie's (I finally got to go to reitmans and buy myself some new things with the gift card my good friends got me a little while ago, and one of the things is my new Jammie's along with a new outfit!!) Thanks again guys!!! Any how the plan is to blog, throw in a load of laundry and get some sleep!!!
It's almost new years and on my walk home I was thinking about new years resolutions, I really don't know what to resolve to do this year. Last year was tough and I know that my faith has lacked sometimes alot!!! But things are on the up and up, hopefully they stay that way. (see there I go again not trusting) but really this year has been far from easy in fact if it were not for some really good friends and my parents we would not have made it!!! My parents have shown up here every week with more food and all I had to do was say the word. In fact sometimes I didn't even say the word they asked the kids and then brought over food!! I am so lucky that they care so much.
In fact things were VERY hard and if it were not for my loving husband I would not be sitting here writ ting these words and Christmas would have been very hard for my whole family this year. For that I am so sorry!!! I promise I will always take my meds!!!
Great now I've made myself cry, but it was hard and I hate feeling that way!! My Mom and I had a conversation about that and she asked what it is that I can't forgive myself for, wow that's a loaded question, but really it's simple, I'm sorry to Ashton for the situation she is in I realize that it is my fault and I truly am sorry but the biggy is my Mackenzie I am so sorry, I should have known and I should have helped him. Plain and simply how does one forgive ones self for not protecting a child and have ti live with the guilt each and every day??? (for more on his story please read this post http://mommato4babiesand3angels.blogspot.com/search/label/Mackenzie%20Wade"> and this one http://mommato4babiesand3angels.blogspot.com/search/label/Mcakenzie%20Wade in my head I know that it really wasn't my fault but try telling my heart that I will live with this guilt forever I can't make it right!!! I'm just so sorry and I love you Mackenzie Wade and if I could go back I'd do everything I could to protect you and while on the subject of my precious angel baby I never got out to the cemetery to bring him a Christmas tree this year either so I'll have to go out soon and bring him something!!! It's just not right that a mommy doesn't get something for her baby, even angel babies!!! I always feel as though I've forgotten him, don't get me wrong not a single day passes that I don't think of him, I think of him in one way or another EVERY day and I always will!!!
On that note maybe I should reslove to try and forgive myself for not protecting my baby and having this horrible tragic ending to his short life ( I just don't know if I can or even where to start, at least I'm not made at God anymore, but that took six years to work out, and Mackenzie's 12Th birthday would be this year) But I'm not making any promises because I just don't know if I can!!!
I'm gonna leave this post at that and hopefully be back soon to post about Christmas!!!

My beautiful angel baby

feeling a little better

2009-12-15T13:19:00.000-08:00

Today I feel somewhat "normal" again, I think that yesterday I was REALLY lacking sleep, and I was disappointed because I thought I'd be sleeping during the day and it didn't work out that way, so I was really tired. Thankfully my little guy fell asleep and had a snooze on the sofa so I could have a snooze to, and my oldest daughter took over with the other kids until the hubby came home. As much as I complain about having a teenager she really is a good kid and helps out ALOT!!!

Anyway when I feel like pooh the feelings I try to bury and hide come up and I can't help it, it just happens and I wish I didn't feel like that!!!

My oldest daughter was just in the room and she said you seem weird you seem not tired. She forgot that her Dad was home during the day so I was able to sleep until he got ready to work!!!

feeling like pooh

2009-12-14T07:06:00.000-08:00

I hate when people say they will help then back out when I need them, I hate not being able to feed my kids they way they want, I hate not feeling loved, I hate not making my parents proud, I hate crying all the time, I hate having to ask for help. I just don't know how much more I can take, I just don't know!!

1 week down many more to go!!

2009-12-11T11:55:00.000-08:00

Week one is over I'm officially on my weekend, Friday 7 am to Sunday 11 pm!! I made it even though lots of folks didn't think I would so HA to you!!! It actually wasn't that bad now I know you say McDonald's overnights it can't possibly be that busy, it's not.......with the expectation of the night the bar let out and all the drunk folks were hungry for what else McDonald's!!! Let me tell you Mickey D's believes in running a clean restaurant. There is not one thing that does not get cleaned in a week and most of them nightly, I should know I do it!!! Anyhow there is alot to keep us busy at night and I learned to take the drive through orders!!! Yeah me!! Anyhow it's going well do I love working all night??? Not really. Has sleep been an issue?? some. But it will work it's self out and at least I'm working full time!!! Again yeah me!! However working all through the night has a large problem and that is that I NEVER KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS!!! IN fact Thursday morning, I have a mom's bible study with babysitting provided so us Moms do our bible study and the boy's have a play date. Yup boys we all have boys so that's 7 little boys. However soon the girls will also play but for now the only girls are still babies and they prettiest little girls around one has so much hair I'm sure we could french braid it, the other has beautiful blue eyes, I'm telling you, you could just eat them up. In fact the Miss Molly (you can see her here on her Mom's blog (http://miriamcherie.blogspot.com/)has my hubby wrapped around her little tiny baby finger, he steals her EVERY Sunday and cuddles her all through church. It's a good thing that we cannot have any more children! ;-) I did not go, just couldn't make the effort!! Then this am as I log into my face book account I remember one of the girls does a Christmas get together every year and it was ....... that's right folks last night, I totally forgot and slept right through it. Part of the problem is that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT DAY IT IS!!! My shift starts one day and ends the next. I Wonder how I can get to know what day it actually is?? I guess we'll figure it out!!!

I Made it

2009-12-07T14:38:00.000-08:00

I made it, My first over night shift done, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be!!! Is my job glamourus??? No I work at McDonalds a person has to do what a person has to do in order for the kids to eat and for them to get christmas I have to do this!! All in all it's not a bad place to live for the most part I cleaned EVERYTHING in the store!!! At least the hubby and I are both gainfully employed once again, me at McDonalds and him at CAA!!!

*sorry for the blurry pic, my camara has a mind of it's own and sometimes it doesn't like taking pic!!*

blessings

2009-12-02T13:28:00.000-08:00

Last night as I lay awake telling myself I have to go to sleep because I had to work a full 8 hour shift today, I got to thinking and this child's song popped into my head: The Wise Man and The Foolish Man
The wise man built his house upon the rock.
The wise man built his house upon the rock.
The wise man built his house upon the rock,
And the rains came tumbling down.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
But the house on the rock stood firm.

The foolish man built his house upon the sand.
The foolish man built his house upon the sand.
The foolish man built his house upon the sand.
And the rains came tumbling down.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
And the house on the sound fell down. CRASH!

So build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ.
Build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ.
Build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ,
And the blessings will come down.
The blessings will come down as the prayers go up.
The blessings will come down as the prayers go up.
The blessings will come down as the prayers go up.
So build your life on the Rock.
We have had MANY troubles these past few months, it has been a hard road, The one thing that we have known the whole time is that our friends and family love us and that even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it God is there. Prayer does help, even though we sometimes wonder why us again!! I struggle with not getting angry at God. When Mackenzie died I was VERY angry for a VERY long time (6 years in fact) I learned alot from that even though I spent 6 years being mad it didn't change the fact that he isn't here and I can't bring him back. So through this whole thing we have spent ALOT of time praying. In fact my mother has told me that if you are on your knees you can't stumble so maybe God is keeping you on your knees so that you won't stumble!!! Good point, I have spent ALOT of time on my knees.
Things are starting to turn around, I have a job, it may not be the greatest, but it's fun. My hubby has got a job pending a clean criminal record check (which we know will come backs clean) Hurray he'll be doing something he loves!!! We have a home we feel safe in and have a car that is totally paid for!!!
Yup the sun is shinning through those horrible rain clouds!!

I want to be the wise man and I strive to be that I know I'll never be perfect and nor do I expect to be, I love God and I just strive to be like him!!!

the grind starts again

2009-11-30T09:10:00.000-08:00

I have started the new job, I'm trying to be positive, yesterday I actually got to make fries!!! I swept the floors and cleaned the bathrooms, I just gotta hang in there, I really can do this, this is not my dream job.
I was asked recently what is my dream job??
What do you want to do??
Although I didn't really know the answer then, now that I have thought about it, it would be something with fabric, something where I can create things, where I look forward to the next time I go to work. With that said I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that I have not finished Molly and Lily's quilts both are ready to be quilted in fact Miss Molly's was half quilted when I realized that I had the backing on wrong, it was a stupid mistake made out of haste I really need to take more time, but time is not on my side. Now that I will be working again it really will not be on my side and truthfully there were a few weeks that I didn't feel like doing anything even when fabric was involved!! I will get Miss. Molly's quilt done this week. I will also be doing some things for the children for Christmas like the Christmas jammy's I bought brown snowflake fabric at the end of last winter for their jammy's and now I must get started!! I will also be doing some sewing for their rooms as part of their Christmas gifts, we do not know if the hubby will get paid before Christmas so it is time to get creative, I will post on my other blog about those projects so feel free to check them out at www.fabricischeaperthentherapy.blogspot.com (Maybe if Terri reads this she can message me and let me know how to add links to my other post????)
I still am not so sure that I want to post pics of the kidlets on my blog, I feel like it's just to out there and I wouldn't want the kids to get hurt because of my blogging, so I took some cute pics of the kids, you see Friday was a day off for them but we had invited my parents for supper and the kids wanted to help. We were making mashed potatoes, shake n bake pork chops and honey dill baby carrots (which baby bear ate the most of) however we cannot find our vegetable peeler since the move so over to the dollar store for 4 potato peelers one for each kid, although big sister bear was at school. The kids were so proud and they did all the work, they peeled a whole pot of potatoes, big brother bear then chopped them for he (he's almost 10) then came the shaking part of the shake and bake, I'm still shocked that those pork chops stayed in those bags. We had the best shaked potatoes in the world!!! Over all it went really well with NO fighting that's right folks they DID NOT FIGHT!!!! It all tasted really good, of course I did the cooking but it went well and I hope that in the process they learned something although we won't mention that to loudly!!!

singing in the rain!!

2009-11-27T11:12:00.000-08:00

I have been avoiding posting on my blog because I don't want this to be a entirely sad blog so since our lives have been in total turmoil I just haven't posted!!! Well I think its about time, yes things have been bad a quick review of the things in our lives that have been affected, we have moved away from the crazy landlady and spent a whole month "hiding" from her. We then found a home in Winnipeg which is really not what we wanted as we had to move the children from their school again!! God had different plans!!! the day before our official move to the city the transmission on the van went at the walmart in Selkirk, that night the hubby was picking me up at work and the truck caught fire, thankfully the damage was minimal (it was faulty starter) so there we are about to finish the move with no vechile. Thankfully we had people borrow us wheels until our truck was fixed, once the truck was fixed it was decided that we would sell the truck, well that week I was fired from my job, I was accused of stealing and according to that corporate head office I all but took the bathroom toilets (of course for those of you that actually know me you know that this is NOT TRUE!!!!) Anyhow I lost my job, so there I am in Selkirk no vechile, no cash and no way to get someone to come and get me. Long story short I was able to make a collect call and after a 7 km walk and about 2.5 hours I was found and taken home. A week and a half later my husband was also laid off, in his case it was a total case of favoritism (all the shop Foreman's friends stayed even the ones who are totall slackers and need to run hoe to make sure their girlfriends aren't cheating on them, and the ones that come in lat ALL the time) Anyhow, there were are just moved and both UN employed!!!

So enough about that we were able to sell our truck which brought in enough money to pay the rent for a few days, a dear friend payed our hydro bill for us and my Bible study group brought us a pile of food, and ALOT of LOVE!!! This time in my life has really taught me ALOT first my friends are the greatest, second we belong to a wonderful church and third GOD does ALWAYS supply. My Mom said something very important and it really has made me think If I'm on my knees then I can't stumble, so God has me on my knees to keep me from stumbling!!!

God is good!!

Even though we have no idea why all these "bad" things are happening God is there he is holding us up as we walk through this, I pray that whatever I'm holding on to that God wants me to give up he reveals it to me, and that I am open to him and the good things he has in store for us.

So we are singing in the rain, and hopefully singing so loud that the world hears us!!! For God truly is a Good God!! And I am blessed to be called his daughter!!

2009-11-16T06:56:00.000-08:00

sadness

2009-11-16T06:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I posted about how I feel, today I feel like I should aplogize for feeling that way, and yet it turely is how I feel. So I will not say sorry, instead I will say that although I do sturrgle to feel like I fet in I do have ALOT to be thankful for. Life has not been easy by any means in my world and most folks know this even though I'd rather hide then have to tell people. It gets to the point where I feel like people will say you have to be making this up, how many horriable things can happen to one family seroiusly, anyho there I go again off on the bad things when we really do have things to be thankful for, infact we are all safe, we are all for the most part healthy (if you don't factor in the kids diease and the stones big brother bear carries around hidden deep within his body) we are healthy right now. Infact we are together, so no matter what happens we are here. When you think about it we really have survived the worst, we have burried a child it really doesn't get any worse then that, so we make trips to the E.R. quite regularly at least they are here for those trips. So the kids drive me mad sometimes, at least I know what their voice sounds like, So the kids get up at the crack of dawn, at least I know what thier eyes look like. You see our baby was stllborn, we never saw his eyes, we never heard his voice. We mearly got a few hours with him, we bathed him, we dressed him and we told him we loved him, then we burried him. It really doesn't get worse, we have already faced the worst...........So bring on the rest we are ready!!!