praising God in the storm

What a wonderful morning of worship, we attended church with my sister and her family, and my brother and his family. It is GREAT to get together with family and friend and praise God together.
There have been times when I felt like God wasn't paying attention to me, now I think it was me not paying attention. We should have a church service everyday then life would be perfect.

 Tomorrow is back to work, I'm sure it won't be a cake walk, but it is in God's hands and I know he'll be there with me. I just need to keep my mouth shut and smile and nod...... That's my plan heading in to tomorrow. Hopefully it's not to bad :-)

what is going on?

So the last few months have been VERY rough, My daughter has been a handful in a major way and somehow all of this is my fault. according to Ashton, her Dad and my former best friend (who lives in B.C. ) I am at fault for all of this. I don't get it, she does things because she's mad at her Dad and then they all blame me.  It has also been VERY rough at work, I'm being told one thing and then when I do it I get written up for it, so far I have been written up twice both times it wasn't warranted if only my boss would talk to me instead of about me. I also found out some interesting info this week which would explain the reason my boss suddenly hates me ( before we would go out for dinner together, we had pedicures together, we took my kids for ice cream) Now she doesn't even talk to me. Nothing. Anyhow it was bad. I stopped Face book, I started therapy again, and I took a 3 week leave from work. I'm feeling lots better and hopefully life will turn around.
My daughter still isn't talking to me but it's at a point where I can't do anything about it we need to go to counseling and she won't go. So I pray and wait.
Hopefully things with my boss change when I go back to work, if not there are things I can and will do. I am a person and I deserve to be treated like one.
I will continue to go to counseling because my family deserves me at the top of my game.
I have actively started going to church, I know God will be there and his hands are in all aspects of my life so I will leave these troubles with him and they will work out.

its raining again.

I have been off work for 3 weeks, the stress got to be way to much. What did I do? I hid and cleaned my apartment. What did I accomplish? really nothing. I did relax and bring my stress level down a  tad. But it is so very hard, there are constant attacks. My daughter turned 17, it was the first time I had talked to here in 6 weeks. She finally called. it wasn't because I didn't want to talk to her it was because she didn't want to talk to me she doesn't answer the phone for me and she wont call me. As her gift I want to book her driving test and pay for it, but she doesn't know it because she again isn't answering the phone.
  what happened you ask? I don't know other then someone told her somethings that happened 20 years ago (yup well before her time) and all those things did was hurt her, so I really don't get why this was all brought up. Who cares who I dated and before this was said to her maybe they should have made sure they were actually telling her the truth. But no people just do whatever they have to to make themselves feel better. Needless to say I have a 17 year old daughter and I don't know if she's safe, I don't know anything really cause no one will tell me anything. I just don't get what I have done. My ex is such a great father and doing such and excellent job ( I say my voice dripping with sarcasm) instead of calling me to talk about Ashton he picks up the phone and calls my ex-best friend, or drops her off at her druggie boyfriends house. I'm so frustrated what will it take?

 I hope we make it through this.

I have to go back to work on Monday and honestly I'm scared to death, here we go back to being "stalked" all day long by my boss, back to not being  talked to instead being talked about, back to being written up for things my boss said I could do. I'm holding my breath and hoping for the best.

If you read this and your a praying person please add a prayer for my Ashton. Thank you.

my life sucks

My daughter hates me, my boss bullies me and gets away with it. My life sucks.....

I need a break, I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. I knew there was gonna be problems, you see my boss is going on holidays and OVERTIME she leaves I get in trouble before she goes. I ' m not sure why but I can' t keep doing this. I really can't keep this up. Between her and Ashton it is getting to be way too much. What do I do? Anyone please help.....

Dear Ashton

Dear Ashton,
Today as I walked by the elevators I noticed a girl about your height, with dark hair wearing her P.J's and looking alot like you when you just crawl out of bed.
My heart skipped a beat.
I thought it was you.
Then my heart dropped when I realized it wasn't you.

I miss you, I wish I could talk to you, I wish I could hug you.

I love you more then you'll ever know I hope you read this. I need you to know how much I love you.

Love always,
Mom <3

it all just hurts too much

there is nothing in this world that compares to the pain my heart is in, if I had known then what I know now how different would my life be?
most days getting out of bed is a struggle, I don't wanna get up, I don't wanna go out I don't wanna do anything. I know this is mainly the depression talking however it is true feelings. I really don't wanna do anything. Most of all I don't wanna live.

The last conversation I had with my oldest daughter ended with me hanging up on her after she told me I should just kill myself cause everyones life would be better. It hurts more then anything to have my own child say that to me. I don't wanna feel this way, but how can I not when my own child feels this way about me.


I don't know if life is worth living I really don't. It seems no one really cares, maybe they would all be better off without me.