Dear Ashton

Dear Ashton,
Today as I walked by the elevators I noticed a girl about your height, with dark hair wearing her P.J's and looking alot like you when you just crawl out of bed.
My heart skipped a beat.
I thought it was you.
Then my heart dropped when I realized it wasn't you.

I miss you, I wish I could talk to you, I wish I could hug you.

I love you more then you'll ever know I hope you read this. I need you to know how much I love you.

Love always,
Mom <3

it all just hurts too much

there is nothing in this world that compares to the pain my heart is in, if I had known then what I know now how different would my life be?
most days getting out of bed is a struggle, I don't wanna get up, I don't wanna go out I don't wanna do anything. I know this is mainly the depression talking however it is true feelings. I really don't wanna do anything. Most of all I don't wanna live.

The last conversation I had with my oldest daughter ended with me hanging up on her after she told me I should just kill myself cause everyones life would be better. It hurts more then anything to have my own child say that to me. I don't wanna feel this way, but how can I not when my own child feels this way about me.


I don't know if life is worth living I really don't. It seems no one really cares, maybe they would all be better off without me.

now what??

I was 17 when I welcomed the most beautiful little girl into my world, over the last 17 years I have loved this girl uncodtionally. I have fought to keep her in my life. It has come to the point that I have to make desicions to keep the rest of my family safe. it is heart breaking to listen to my other children cry themselves to sleep and sob in thier sleep because of the things thier sister is doing. I just wish things could be different.

Imagaine yourself standing at your child's grave as the casket is lowered and you know you'll never see that child again. Now imagine having to sign over the custody of that sweet child you gave birth to 17 years ago. Only to have that child laugh in your face.

The way it has come about is that my husband and I am honsetly scared for our safety because of the threats being made by both my child and her boyfriend. I sat up all night long crying and trying to figure out what my next step is gonna be. The way I see it is I'm whats keeping my hubby and the other chiuldren from being safe. So the soultion is for me to be gone. There are 3 ways to acheiev that one, is for my life to be over. Another way is for me to cut off Ashton completely. the last option is for me to dissappear. The desicion has been made to cut out Ashton. Therefore I have given up all my rights to her, I no longer have any say in this child.

It's just as well she thinks it's funny, and her Dad lets her run free. Hopefully one day things will change but for right now it is what it is. It breaks my heart to have to go this far, but I MUST keep my other children safe.

Ashton if you read this you can now tell people you don't see your Mom, but you can NEVER say I DON'T LOVE YOU. I will ALWAYS love you I just can't stand by and watch you hurt your siblings any more.

waves of change

It has been a very hard road for me lately. When I buried my son I honestly thought I would NEVER do anything as hard as that. What I didn't know is I was wrong, so very wrong. We have been having some very serious trouble with our oldest daughter. It has gotten really bad, we never know what is really happening in her world. We have to check everything she says and does, we never know if shes been drinking, or if she is doing drugs. She disappears on us every chance she gets, the last time she was gone she was running for 2.5 weeks. It ended with alot of money and things stolen, child and family services checking on my husband and I on claims of abuse. Each child was interviewed to make sure they were okay and my daughter laying in her bed unable to talk, move, after a whole weekend of one parent or another sitting with her day and night. She was moved to another area of the hospital, from there she was released to her Dad. It was a rough weekend sitting in that tiny chair, trying to sleep barley eating and always having an upset tummy. Tums were my best friends. The hard part is keeping this child safe. I'm at the end of my ropes with her and just wish things could turn around.....

I talked to a friend of hers grandma and she said it so well, I'm just so tried of crying, of not sleeping and wondering if my child is safe, or if the next call will be the police telling me they found her dead.

My heart aches for my sweet daughter the one who used to laugh and make us all laugh with her. The only I could fully trust in any situation. The one who everyone wanted to be around. That sweet, sweet baby I first held in my arms and whispered love to. That sweet toddler who was into everything. That precious girl who was slowly turning into a wonderful young lady. I ache to keep her safe, I ache to take her place in the mistakes I see her making, and save her from the hurt she will eventually feel. Most of all I ache to hug this child and tell her how much I love her no matter what, and that I would willingly give up my life to save hers.

If you read this and you believe in the power of prayer please say an extra one for my Ashton, I just want her to make it through this whole....

I love you forever

I don't know how else to tell you, no matter what I love you, you are my child and NOTHING can ever change that. I'm sad to see the things your doing and the decisions your making, but I can't control you and I don't want to. I'm sorry that your angry for the way people react to what your doing. As you will some point learn you must deal with the consciences of your own actions.

From the day you were born you had my heart, I would have done anything for you the minute I saw you....... I still would do anything for you. No matter what you say, or do I love you. I want what is best for you. However I cannot tolerate you swearing and disrespecting me. i am more then happy to listen to what you have to say as long as it is done in a respectful way without cursing.

I love you and your siblings more then anything I only wish you and I could have a good relationship....

I love you and NOTHING will ever change that I only hope you realize just how much....

cyber bullying???? Abuse????

So recently I had an experience I feel I need to blog about, I can't get it off my mind and maybe this will help.

Why do women allow men to abuse them? I don't get how a strong women can just allow a man to control everything. I am not one of those women no man would ever get away with total control. Yes my husband has pretty much full control of the money in our home. That is because I want him to. As far as moving me across the country and getting me away from everyone I love and those who love me........not gonna happen. Making comments to friends to make the mad........not gonna happen. Having him cyber bully a good friend cause he can..........Yeah I'd put a stop to that. Having to have the same face book profile because you both don't trust each other that's a problem. It's not that I don't love him, i do. I just don't think any man should be allowed to treat someone like that. Now some women stay in relationships like this. if you choose to stay that is up to you. I will not allow my husband to treat me like that, and I most certainly will not allow your husband to treat me like that.
When I think of cyber bullying i don't think of adults, I think of children, however I feel i was cyber bullied by a grown man who should no better

A few weeks ago I received some NASTY messages from someone Else's husband, i am not okay with that. I then was accused of starting a fight......ummmmm who started it? Certainly not me. In fact I ended it. I will no longer be talking to said person unless it is minus the husband. The way things were done were not okay. These folks need to take a HUGE step back and see it from me point of view. If your husband starts a fight with cyber bullying then he needs to be held responsible and the blame should not be pasted on to someone else.

I will allow no man to treat me like dirt, not mine and certainly not one who really knows nothing about what is going on......

Hopefully this will put an end to all of this, this is my opinion and I wanna stop thinking about it. I have made my decision and that is to live my life without this man in it......

I have a problem........

I have a real problem with the "new" way of looking a child birth, yes child birth is a natural thing. Women are built to have babies, but sometimes bad things happen. I am living proof bad things happen. I had not medical intervention twice, the first time everything was fine. I got a beautiful baby girl. the second time my water broke at home, we went to the hospital and there was no heartbeat my beautiful son was stillborn at 39 weeks and 6 days. The next two births were medically induced at 38 weeks, both times babies were beautiful and alive (though one spent almost a week in the N.I.C.U.) my last baby was born at 37 weeks, all the doctor did was strip my membranes and that was enough to scare him out.:-)

Now here is my problem, though some of these births were not induced, i did have an epidural times 5. Were my babies groggy when they were born, nope they were alert, and scored well on their apgar scores (including the one that was later sent to the N.I.C.U) Am I less of a mother then someone who was not inducded? or someone who didn't have an epidural. Nope. I took the precautions I needed to to make sure my children were safe. If my son had been induced at 38 weeks he would be here, he was alive then.

Two of my kids wore cloth diapers, and all my kids were breast feed however breast feeding was not something that worked for me very well. I did all the things to try and build up my milk supply. It simply did not work for me.

Yes I agree natural is best, but shoving it down throats and saying your a "better" parent because of it is just dumb. I would air on the side of caution again if i were to have to make the decisions. I know bad things can happen, I have a 1.5 foot by 2 foot plot in a cemetery that says they can. Ignoring a medical professional is not being a hero it's just plan stupid.