Thursday, December 31, 2009

gonna be a good year!!!

I came here to quickly post!!! I have just come home from yet another overnight (it's the only shift I work) and all is quiet!!! The oldest girl went to a friends house for a sleepover and the youngest three are at grandma and grandpa house!!! I had to walk home this morning because the hubby is working his very first shift as a tow truck driver (all the other shifts were training) today he is all by himself!! He is a touch nervous about it but who are we kidding he couldn't be working a job more perfect for him!!! He will do just fine and he LOVES it!! It's just a touch cold outside -15 but it feels like -35 with the windchill. Anyhow I'm sitting in my brand new Jammie's (I finally got to go to reitmans and buy myself some new things with the gift card my good friends got me a little while ago, and one of the things is my new Jammie's along with a new outfit!!) Thanks again guys!!! Any how the plan is to blog, throw in a load of laundry and get some sleep!!!
It's almost new years and on my walk home I was thinking about new years resolutions, I really don't know what to resolve to do this year. Last year was tough and I know that my faith has lacked sometimes alot!!! But things are on the up and up, hopefully they stay that way. (see there I go again not trusting) but really this year has been far from easy in fact if it were not for some really good friends and my parents we would not have made it!!! My parents have shown up here every week with more food and all I had to do was say the word. In fact sometimes I didn't even say the word they asked the kids and then brought over food!! I am so lucky that they care so much.
In fact things were VERY hard and if it were not for my loving husband I would not be sitting here writ ting these words and Christmas would have been very hard for my whole family this year. For that I am so sorry!!! I promise I will always take my meds!!!
Great now I've made myself cry, but it was hard and I hate feeling that way!! My Mom and I had a conversation about that and she asked what it is that I can't forgive myself for, wow that's a loaded question, but really it's simple, I'm sorry to Ashton for the situation she is in I realize that it is my fault and I truly am sorry but the biggy is my Mackenzie I am so sorry, I should have known and I should have helped him. Plain and simply how does one forgive ones self for not protecting a child and have ti live with the guilt each and every day??? (for more on his story please read this post"> and this one in my head I know that it really wasn't my fault but try telling my heart that I will live with this guilt forever I can't make it right!!! I'm just so sorry and I love you Mackenzie Wade and if I could go back I'd do everything I could to protect you and while on the subject of my precious angel baby I never got out to the cemetery to bring him a Christmas tree this year either so I'll have to go out soon and bring him something!!! It's just not right that a mommy doesn't get something for her baby, even angel babies!!! I always feel as though I've forgotten him, don't get me wrong not a single day passes that I don't think of him, I think of him in one way or another EVERY day and I always will!!!
On that note maybe I should reslove to try and forgive myself for not protecting my baby and having this horrible tragic ending to his short life ( I just don't know if I can or even where to start, at least I'm not made at God anymore, but that took six years to work out, and Mackenzie's 12Th birthday would be this year) But I'm not making any promises because I just don't know if I can!!!
I'm gonna leave this post at that and hopefully be back soon to post about Christmas!!!

My beautiful angel baby

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

feeling a little better

Today I feel somewhat "normal" again, I think that yesterday I was REALLY lacking sleep, and I was disappointed because I thought I'd be sleeping during the day and it didn't work out that way, so I was really tired. Thankfully my little guy fell asleep and had a snooze on the sofa so I could have a snooze to, and my oldest daughter took over with the other kids until the hubby came home. As much as I complain about having a teenager she really is a good kid and helps out ALOT!!!

Anyway when I feel like pooh the feelings I try to bury and hide come up and I can't help it, it just happens and I wish I didn't feel like that!!!

My oldest daughter was just in the room and she said you seem weird you seem not tired. She forgot that her Dad was home during the day so I was able to sleep until he got ready to work!!!

Monday, December 14, 2009

feeling like pooh

I hate when people say they will help then back out when I need them, I hate not being able to feed my kids they way they want, I hate not feeling loved, I hate not making my parents proud, I hate crying all the time, I hate having to ask for help. I just don't know how much more I can take, I just don't know!!

Friday, December 11, 2009

1 week down many more to go!!

Week one is over I'm officially on my weekend, Friday 7 am to Sunday 11 pm!! I made it even though lots of folks didn't think I would so HA to you!!! It actually wasn't that bad now I know you say McDonald's overnights it can't possibly be that busy, it's not.......with the expectation of the night the bar let out and all the drunk folks were hungry for what else McDonald's!!! Let me tell you Mickey D's believes in running a clean restaurant. There is not one thing that does not get cleaned in a week and most of them nightly, I should know I do it!!! Anyhow there is alot to keep us busy at night and I learned to take the drive through orders!!! Yeah me!! Anyhow it's going well do I love working all night??? Not really. Has sleep been an issue?? some. But it will work it's self out and at least I'm working full time!!! Again yeah me!! However working all through the night has a large problem and that is that I NEVER KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS!!! IN fact Thursday morning, I have a mom's bible study with babysitting provided so us Moms do our bible study and the boy's have a play date. Yup boys we all have boys so that's 7 little boys. However soon the girls will also play but for now the only girls are still babies and they prettiest little girls around one has so much hair I'm sure we could french braid it, the other has beautiful blue eyes, I'm telling you, you could just eat them up. In fact the Miss Molly (you can see her here on her Mom's blog ( my hubby wrapped around her little tiny baby finger, he steals her EVERY Sunday and cuddles her all through church. It's a good thing that we cannot have any more children! ;-) I did not go, just couldn't make the effort!! Then this am as I log into my face book account I remember one of the girls does a Christmas get together every year and it was ....... that's right folks last night, I totally forgot and slept right through it. Part of the problem is that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT DAY IT IS!!! My shift starts one day and ends the next. I Wonder how I can get to know what day it actually is?? I guess we'll figure it out!!!

Monday, December 7, 2009

I Made it

I made it, My first over night shift done, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be!!! Is my job glamourus??? No I work at McDonalds a person has to do what a person has to do in order for the kids to eat and for them to get christmas I have to do this!! All in all it's not a bad place to live for the most part I cleaned EVERYTHING in the store!!! At least the hubby and I are both gainfully employed once again, me at McDonalds and him at CAA!!!

*sorry for the blurry pic, my camara has a mind of it's own and sometimes it doesn't like taking pic!!*

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


Last night as I lay awake telling myself I have to go to sleep because I had to work a full 8 hour shift today, I got to thinking and this child's song popped into my head: The Wise Man and The Foolish Man
The wise man built his house upon the rock.
The wise man built his house upon the rock.
The wise man built his house upon the rock,
And the rains came tumbling down.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
But the house on the rock stood firm.

The foolish man built his house upon the sand.
The foolish man built his house upon the sand.
The foolish man built his house upon the sand.
And the rains came tumbling down.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
And the house on the sound fell down. CRASH!

So build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ.
Build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ.
Build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ,
And the blessings will come down.
The blessings will come down as the prayers go up.
The blessings will come down as the prayers go up.
The blessings will come down as the prayers go up.
So build your life on the Rock.
We have had MANY troubles these past few months, it has been a hard road, The one thing that we have known the whole time is that our friends and family love us and that even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it God is there. Prayer does help, even though we sometimes wonder why us again!! I struggle with not getting angry at God. When Mackenzie died I was VERY angry for a VERY long time (6 years in fact) I learned alot from that even though I spent 6 years being mad it didn't change the fact that he isn't here and I can't bring him back. So through this whole thing we have spent ALOT of time praying. In fact my mother has told me that if you are on your knees you can't stumble so maybe God is keeping you on your knees so that you won't stumble!!! Good point, I have spent ALOT of time on my knees.
Things are starting to turn around, I have a job, it may not be the greatest, but it's fun. My hubby has got a job pending a clean criminal record check (which we know will come backs clean) Hurray he'll be doing something he loves!!! We have a home we feel safe in and have a car that is totally paid for!!!
Yup the sun is shinning through those horrible rain clouds!!

I want to be the wise man and I strive to be that I know I'll never be perfect and nor do I expect to be, I love God and I just strive to be like him!!!