Last week the kids had their check up they go every 3-4 months for a kidney function checkup. The idea is that once we see kidney function decline we will be listed for liver transplants (hopefully that never happens) so we check. To prep for a checkup we do a 24 hour urine roughly 4 weeks before our appointment, and a blood draw. That way we have the results at the appointment. Guess what EVERYTHING was in the normal range......... Oxalate's were in the normal range J's were 276 and Tony's were 267. So as long as they take the meds everyday all is well. However getting those meds into them is a daily fight. I have actually found piles of them in hiding places. Urine output for J was pretty good to, and Tony's were low. That is because when I say get a glass of water J goes and tony does not. They are also 10 and 12 and they know that they must drink water and should be drinking lots of water.
They are also both kidney stone free, Tony had stones but went through some rough patches in December which also included a trip to the E.R. and an ultrasound and his now stone free.
so far all is well :-)
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
where is God
So last night I went to bed begging God to do something anything, I really feel like maybe I'm not worth listening to anymore. It has been ALONG time since I wrote anything here and I feel the need to again write, more for myself then anyone else. Things with my oldest daughter have a again come to a head, I'm not really sure what on earth happened this time, the only thing I know is she is not talking to me again, apparently because I wanted to talk to her. Like an actual talk where we talked about things going on in her life. There was no argument after that unless call her calling and cussing at me and me telling her when she could talk to me in a respectful tone I would talk until then I guess we couldn't talk because I WILL NOT ALLOW ANYONE to talk to me like that especially my own child. Side note I am 33 and have NEVER and will NEVER talk to my parents like that.The last thing I heard from her 2 weeks ago was shut the he** up in a text message. After that no responses to texts (besides the few the hubby received with harassing messages ) and not answers to my calls. Now before you say but she's 16 and your her mother you need to love her. Let me tell you I do love my daughter I would give my life for her in a second, I am here, I'm always here for her. I still cannot allow her to cuss at me because I'm her mother not her friend.
Like I said at the beginning of this post I went to bed last night begging God to help me, help her, I have tried EVERYTHING.....I mean EVERYTHING to fix all this, as long as I'm willing to be her friend all is well in her world, once I say no or disagree with something she does all he** breaks loose.
As i feel asleep i remember thinking that's it I'm not worth God's time anymore and I'm probably on my own...... This morning we went to church for the first time in MONTHS.....(okay we went on Christmas eve, but other then that...it's been a while) I don't feel like I belong anywhere and I don't want everyone to know my problem/secret I wear it like a Scarlet letter.
What is my problem you ask......Depression......in a HUGE way.......It is like a deep dark pit, you can't even see the light, you know it's there but how do you get to it, alright so I'm gonna share my depression story. Depression has always been apart of my life for various reasons though it really raised it's head after my first daughter was born you see she was roughly 4 months old when I found my baby Daddy with another women, I came home unexpected and caught him with her and my world literally fell apart. I remember standing in my front yard at 2 am with this person who was my EVERYTHING, my babies Dad,my best friend, the person I loved more then anything. I remember looking him in the eyes and saying you have to make a choice her or me......he said I want you both. He couldn't choose me so it was over, and my heart broke, the world stopped spinning in that moment, i hurt so much how could this be happening, He left and I was alone. For a whole week all I did was cry, I didn't shower, I didn't look after my baby ( my Mom did thank God for her) Finally she said to me after that first week, you have to stop you cannot keep doing this life goes on, and she was right, I picked myself up by my boot straps and kept trudging, so at 18 I moved out of my parents house, I worked, and worked hard to finish school. And I did, then I ran into my now husband. I have known my husband since I was 12 but had not seen him in a few years. A total fluke or an act of God. Anyhow the romance started and roughly 6 months later we were married (quick I know but one of the best things I have ever done.) That is when things start to get worse you see we were expecting a baby, and at 39 weeks and 6 days my water broke, when we got to the hospital there was no heart beat and instead of having a baby shower we had a funeral, instead of a son we got a 2 foot plot in the cemetery to say my world stopped is an understatement, i don't remember much of the following 6 months. I do remember taking it one minute at a time, then one hour at a time, then one day at a time, and so on. It was hard, really hard. I think it took a full 6 years for me to be able to say I do not wish my son back, I miss him. I wish I could just have 1 hour with him. But he has the best life and he is pain free and He is happy. I do not want another life for him. At this point my depression was still manageable I had rough spots but for the most part it was okay.
Then we got preggers with our youngest son, for him i wanted a drug free birth and to breast feed. None of that happened, after 12 hours my hubby couldn't handle seeing me in pain and order drugs. Then Brycen didn't nurse and that was a flop. I felt like a failure, and the depression gradually got worse to the point where I needed help. I saw a variety of doctors / phycharists. then things went really wrong, my children were diagnosed with PH 1 I spent days awake all night long crying and begging God to spare my children. and things got worse, i worked overnights and daughter rebelled and my deprssion got worse. I know how and where I would end my life , I have had times where I sent out a suicide note to family and friends ( which I then erased before my hubby could see it ). I have written letters to my children so when i die they have something from me. I hate having a plan, I wish I could be like "normal" people who don't think like that. It has been a VERY long road and it has been very hard.
I am so thankful for my husband and my family, I know I have the support when I need it, if only in my time of need I had the ability to reach out for it, however when I feel like that I don't reach out. And by feel like that I mean feel like life isn't worth living like I could just die and be done on this earth and that is how i feel, I have a hard time keeping in touch with people because i don't feel like I am worth anyone time. So I don't reach out, there are days where if I didn't work I would not get out of bed. Now my depression is not nearly as bad as it was as long as I take my anti depressants.
Fast forward to today, last night I went to bed begging God for help, this am we went to church and Guess what God spoke in a HUGE way, first my sisters sister in law walked up to me a gave me a huge hug, I needed that, second the sermon was about dark days, and how God is there and is working, i think God was telling me yup he's there, and yup he still cares. So I will allow God to work in not only my life but Ashton's life, I love my children I would give my life for thgem. I love my husband and am so thankful for all his support he has always been there for me always, at the drop of a hat and i love him for that. I am also so thankful for thier support.
I do not however love depression I will not give my life to it, instead I will work to heal from it and allow God to work in my life.
Like I said at the beginning of this post I went to bed last night begging God to help me, help her, I have tried EVERYTHING.....I mean EVERYTHING to fix all this, as long as I'm willing to be her friend all is well in her world, once I say no or disagree with something she does all he** breaks loose.
As i feel asleep i remember thinking that's it I'm not worth God's time anymore and I'm probably on my own...... This morning we went to church for the first time in MONTHS.....(okay we went on Christmas eve, but other then that...it's been a while) I don't feel like I belong anywhere and I don't want everyone to know my problem/secret I wear it like a Scarlet letter.
What is my problem you ask......Depression......in a HUGE way.......It is like a deep dark pit, you can't even see the light, you know it's there but how do you get to it, alright so I'm gonna share my depression story. Depression has always been apart of my life for various reasons though it really raised it's head after my first daughter was born you see she was roughly 4 months old when I found my baby Daddy with another women, I came home unexpected and caught him with her and my world literally fell apart. I remember standing in my front yard at 2 am with this person who was my EVERYTHING, my babies Dad,my best friend, the person I loved more then anything. I remember looking him in the eyes and saying you have to make a choice her or me......he said I want you both. He couldn't choose me so it was over, and my heart broke, the world stopped spinning in that moment, i hurt so much how could this be happening, He left and I was alone. For a whole week all I did was cry, I didn't shower, I didn't look after my baby ( my Mom did thank God for her) Finally she said to me after that first week, you have to stop you cannot keep doing this life goes on, and she was right, I picked myself up by my boot straps and kept trudging, so at 18 I moved out of my parents house, I worked, and worked hard to finish school. And I did, then I ran into my now husband. I have known my husband since I was 12 but had not seen him in a few years. A total fluke or an act of God. Anyhow the romance started and roughly 6 months later we were married (quick I know but one of the best things I have ever done.) That is when things start to get worse you see we were expecting a baby, and at 39 weeks and 6 days my water broke, when we got to the hospital there was no heart beat and instead of having a baby shower we had a funeral, instead of a son we got a 2 foot plot in the cemetery to say my world stopped is an understatement, i don't remember much of the following 6 months. I do remember taking it one minute at a time, then one hour at a time, then one day at a time, and so on. It was hard, really hard. I think it took a full 6 years for me to be able to say I do not wish my son back, I miss him. I wish I could just have 1 hour with him. But he has the best life and he is pain free and He is happy. I do not want another life for him. At this point my depression was still manageable I had rough spots but for the most part it was okay.
Then we got preggers with our youngest son, for him i wanted a drug free birth and to breast feed. None of that happened, after 12 hours my hubby couldn't handle seeing me in pain and order drugs. Then Brycen didn't nurse and that was a flop. I felt like a failure, and the depression gradually got worse to the point where I needed help. I saw a variety of doctors / phycharists. then things went really wrong, my children were diagnosed with PH 1 I spent days awake all night long crying and begging God to spare my children. and things got worse, i worked overnights and daughter rebelled and my deprssion got worse. I know how and where I would end my life , I have had times where I sent out a suicide note to family and friends ( which I then erased before my hubby could see it ). I have written letters to my children so when i die they have something from me. I hate having a plan, I wish I could be like "normal" people who don't think like that. It has been a VERY long road and it has been very hard.
I am so thankful for my husband and my family, I know I have the support when I need it, if only in my time of need I had the ability to reach out for it, however when I feel like that I don't reach out. And by feel like that I mean feel like life isn't worth living like I could just die and be done on this earth and that is how i feel, I have a hard time keeping in touch with people because i don't feel like I am worth anyone time. So I don't reach out, there are days where if I didn't work I would not get out of bed. Now my depression is not nearly as bad as it was as long as I take my anti depressants.
Fast forward to today, last night I went to bed begging God for help, this am we went to church and Guess what God spoke in a HUGE way, first my sisters sister in law walked up to me a gave me a huge hug, I needed that, second the sermon was about dark days, and how God is there and is working, i think God was telling me yup he's there, and yup he still cares. So I will allow God to work in not only my life but Ashton's life, I love my children I would give my life for thgem. I love my husband and am so thankful for all his support he has always been there for me always, at the drop of a hat and i love him for that. I am also so thankful for thier support.
I do not however love depression I will not give my life to it, instead I will work to heal from it and allow God to work in my life.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
age???
I have never been one to worry to much about how old I am getting, mainly because I have been a Mom since I was 17, and when you become a Mom your suddenly responsible for another person, so I`d like to think I have always been more mature then your average teen. For one I was never a partying,drinking kinda girl I had a baby at home and if I didn`t look after her no one did (since her dad was so much help)
anyway, a few weeks ago it suddenly hit........I AM GETTING OLD.....now I am not very old yet (the ripe old age of 33). Now you may be wondering why I began thinking of my age. Last week my uncle died and it hit me that in fact I am old enough to be losing my aunts and uncles, and it`s scary.......the other thing is that my daughter will be turning 16 this month, how scary is that......I cannot believe that I am old enough for all this to be happening.
Now as I age things change I have never been allergic to anything in my life....as I hit 30 that seemed to change, I cannot be around when my dad treats his yard for dandelions, I had a severe allergy attack at the cabin this summer....I`m talking swollen, watery eyes.....sneezing it was horrible thankfully my mother in law came to me rescue with some allergy eye drops. Same with my back a few years ago I feel from a ladder and for the most part I have been okay, but recently my back has hurt alot, one slight wrong move and I feel it for days.......There are other things that you guys don`t wanna know about, but yup I am getting old and theres no stopping it!!!
Saturday, September 3, 2011
memories.......
As it sometimes happens today I am missing my Mackenzie, I don't know what brings it up, but today is one of those days. I just wish I could hold him, I wish I could see him breath, I wish I could see those eyes. I wish he could know his siblings. I wish I could stop the hurt. Now please don't get me wrong, I don't wish him back to earth, really he has the best life. He is in heaven with his maker, I can only imagine how wonderful his life has been there. I just wish for 1 hour, just 1 hour just for him to hear my voice, to see his eyes.
It seems not only has this sweet boy been on my mind he has also been on his siblings minds, J'naya this past week asked if we could please go visit her brother, I asked what she meant and she said I wanna go see Mackenzie please Mom. So today we went to see him. They did not know where we were headed, but as soon as we turned off the highway ( the cemetery is on a dirt road, off one of the main highways near here.) onto the dirt road, Brycen yelled we're gonna go see Mackenzie. Once there Brycen announced that we are to buy Mackenzie a head stone that stands up ( we only have a flat grave marker.) We then had to explain that the section where Mackenzie sleeps is only for flat markers we are not allowed to have an upright marker. He seemed okay buy this but they all want to bring him gifts so maybe I need to take them shopping to let them pick something to share with their brother. I started this post a while back and didn't post it, because i don't like being judged for still feeling this way but then when J started asking about him I decided to go ahead and post it.
As we were driving down the road to see our sweet son, it dawned on me that I never rode in a car with this baby outside my body, the only "car" rides this sweet boy ever had were both done by the funeral home. I should have rode in the car with him. He did not go to the grave site in a hearse , he was so small he was in the back seat of a car.
I love you sweet baby and we all miss you <3
It seems not only has this sweet boy been on my mind he has also been on his siblings minds, J'naya this past week asked if we could please go visit her brother, I asked what she meant and she said I wanna go see Mackenzie please Mom. So today we went to see him. They did not know where we were headed, but as soon as we turned off the highway ( the cemetery is on a dirt road, off one of the main highways near here.) onto the dirt road, Brycen yelled we're gonna go see Mackenzie. Once there Brycen announced that we are to buy Mackenzie a head stone that stands up ( we only have a flat grave marker.) We then had to explain that the section where Mackenzie sleeps is only for flat markers we are not allowed to have an upright marker. He seemed okay buy this but they all want to bring him gifts so maybe I need to take them shopping to let them pick something to share with their brother. I started this post a while back and didn't post it, because i don't like being judged for still feeling this way but then when J started asking about him I decided to go ahead and post it.
As we were driving down the road to see our sweet son, it dawned on me that I never rode in a car with this baby outside my body, the only "car" rides this sweet boy ever had were both done by the funeral home. I should have rode in the car with him. He did not go to the grave site in a hearse , he was so small he was in the back seat of a car.
I love you sweet baby and we all miss you <3
Sunday, August 28, 2011
summer
It's been a while since I posted, what have we been up to this summer? Well my in laws have been building a cabin so we have spent a few weekends out there camping and helping. The kids love spending time in the lake and playing on the beach. We also went camping with my family, it was a blast. We had a great weekend. W
My sister has had a busy summer moving almost 4 hours away, so we spent a Saturday helping her move some stuff and un pack the stuff we moved. As far as I know her little family is all moved in and unpacked. The kids have had their 6 month appointment with the doctor, the ultrasound showed calcium deposits in both children's kidneys, this means more water, the question is how do we do that? I think I have an idea I'm gonna get a chiming clock, that way when the clock chimes it's time for water. I think this may help increase the amount of water they drink. However Tony had a spot in his kidney we were watching and it seems to be gone, so that's good news, instead of becoming a problem it seems to have past. Both children's kidney function is still normal, so no worries there. We are still waiting on the kids EKG results, and the 24 hour urine, but all seems to be going well.
The kids also went to kidney camp at camp Stephens last week, they loved it. J was worried about going and shed some tears, but they are so excited about going again, that's all they talk about. I'm glad they had so much fun, the also learned alot about kidney disease and meet a bunch of kids who also had kidney issues.
what else have we been up to? Not much really though we have spent ALOT if time down in the pool, the kids LOVE that pool. In fact I think we will make use of it again today.
My sister has had a busy summer moving almost 4 hours away, so we spent a Saturday helping her move some stuff and un pack the stuff we moved. As far as I know her little family is all moved in and unpacked. The kids have had their 6 month appointment with the doctor, the ultrasound showed calcium deposits in both children's kidneys, this means more water, the question is how do we do that? I think I have an idea I'm gonna get a chiming clock, that way when the clock chimes it's time for water. I think this may help increase the amount of water they drink. However Tony had a spot in his kidney we were watching and it seems to be gone, so that's good news, instead of becoming a problem it seems to have past. Both children's kidney function is still normal, so no worries there. We are still waiting on the kids EKG results, and the 24 hour urine, but all seems to be going well.
The kids also went to kidney camp at camp Stephens last week, they loved it. J was worried about going and shed some tears, but they are so excited about going again, that's all they talk about. I'm glad they had so much fun, the also learned alot about kidney disease and meet a bunch of kids who also had kidney issues.
what else have we been up to? Not much really though we have spent ALOT if time down in the pool, the kids LOVE that pool. In fact I think we will make use of it again today.
Monday, August 1, 2011
your thoughts???
I don't know if anyone follows this blog...I know I seem to rant like a crazy lady......though I'm really not (yup I keep telling myself that :-) ) anywho......I have an important question and I want truthful answers NO answer is gonna hurt my feelings I just wanna know how others think/feel about it.
That being said you all know I have 5 children.......four live on earth with me, and one (the lucky one) lives in heaven with Jesus, and his 2 great grandmas,a great grandpa and a handful of aunts/uncles ( I told you he's lucky). Now.....here`s my question. If you were his earthly Grandma and you were getting a gift that had each grandchild's birth stone on it would you want to have his stone included.....I`m a wondering if it would be to painful to have to answer the questions about the said child or if it would be okay to add him.
Just so we are clear this is a gift I would be buying for my mother, I just wanna know how all you out there would feel about it. Since he is my child I would be offended if I received a gift that did not include his stone he is my son, even though he`s not here. I just don`t wanna make it harder on my mother by always having to explain. There have been comments about how she has 6 grand kids when in reality, she has my 5, my sister`s 1 and my brothers 1....so I always am reminded that my dead child does`nt `count`............So I really want answers folks.......would you as the Grandmother want him included ÉÉ (sorry my computer things it`s Spanish again)
That being said you all know I have 5 children.......four live on earth with me, and one (the lucky one) lives in heaven with Jesus, and his 2 great grandmas,a great grandpa and a handful of aunts/uncles ( I told you he's lucky). Now.....here`s my question. If you were his earthly Grandma and you were getting a gift that had each grandchild's birth stone on it would you want to have his stone included.....I`m a wondering if it would be to painful to have to answer the questions about the said child or if it would be okay to add him.
Just so we are clear this is a gift I would be buying for my mother, I just wanna know how all you out there would feel about it. Since he is my child I would be offended if I received a gift that did not include his stone he is my son, even though he`s not here. I just don`t wanna make it harder on my mother by always having to explain. There have been comments about how she has 6 grand kids when in reality, she has my 5, my sister`s 1 and my brothers 1....so I always am reminded that my dead child does`nt `count`............So I really want answers folks.......would you as the Grandmother want him included ÉÉ (sorry my computer things it`s Spanish again)
Saturday, July 30, 2011
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