sadness

Yesterday I posted about how I feel, today I feel like I should aplogize for feeling that way, and yet it turely is how I feel. So I will not say sorry, instead I will say that although I do sturrgle to feel like I fet in I do have ALOT to be thankful for. Life has not been easy by any means in my world and most folks know this even though I'd rather hide then have to tell people. It gets to the point where I feel like people will say you have to be making this up, how many horriable things can happen to one family seroiusly, anyho there I go again off on the bad things when we really do have things to be thankful for, infact we are all safe, we are all for the most part healthy (if you don't factor in the kids diease and the stones big brother bear carries around hidden deep within his body) we are healthy right now. Infact we are together, so no matter what happens we are here. When you think about it we really have survived the worst, we have burried a child it really doesn't get any worse then that, so we make trips to the E.R. quite regularly at least they are here for those trips. So the kids drive me mad sometimes, at least I know what their voice sounds like, So the kids get up at the crack of dawn, at least I know what thier eyes look like. You see our baby was stllborn, we never saw his eyes, we never heard his voice. We mearly got a few hours with him, we bathed him, we dressed him and we told him we loved him, then we burried him. It really doesn't get worse, we have already faced the worst...........So bring on the rest we are ready!!!

sadness....

I don't know why, but i feel like I'm fighting this constant sadness, I wish I could be happy, I feel like it's always a battle. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, You see I was always the girl in school that didn't speak English, didn't read well, just plain old didn't fit. With friends as I got older I didn't fit because I had a baby as a teen (this is also why I don't fit in the family I messed up) I Truely do feel like I'm forever trying to fit in everywhere. With friends now they all have small children mine are all grown. (even though I know they love me) I feel like I just don't fit. Same with my family I just feel like an outsider, I made mistakes that have put my in the spot I'm in, we went from being homeless, to being careless to me currently being jobless, how will we make ends meet?? I don't know but I need a job. We have invited people over only to have them not come and then find out they went elsewhere. Why am I o unimportant, How do I fix this?? Will I ever fit in?? I sure want to!!

finally wheels

We have been without our own wheels since the 29th of october, let me tell you is has been hard, although we have had some borrowed to us you still have the what if theres an accident. What if it breaks down, which in one case it did but it was a problem they knew about (the fuel pump) and were waiting for it to finally quit. Then my Ex (big sister bears Dad) borrowed us his little car. That has been good cause it's cheap on fuel and it has conviced Daddy bear to sell his truck that's right folks we currently have a Ford F 250 super duty extedned cab diesel with 405 kms on it for sale. He wants to buy a small car and this was all his idea!!! Incase your wondering the problem with the truck wasn't a seroius as we first thought it was the starter (it was faulty) so everything has been repaired in fact it has a new starter, a new alternator, newer tires,and the water pump has been changed in the last little while!!! Hurray for smaller wheels!!!!

another day another box to unpack!!!

So today is Saturday and we (or me) have unpacked a few more boxes and our bedroom is finally looking like our bedroom and lil sister bears room is finally looking like a little girls room!! now to try and get the rest of this place organized if only there were unpacking fairies. However my mother in law has been very helpful, and the fact that both of our vechiles broke down on the same day leaving us with now wheels or borrowed wheels means that we spend ALOT of time hanging around at home. In fact the tranie went in the van last Thursday and it is still sitting in The parking lot at the walmart in Selkirk, cause we are just not sure how we will fix it or how we will by a new van??? And since the truck caught fire the same Thursday night, it still sitting at the diesel shop in Selkirk as we wait to see what auto pac will fix, they did not cover the "cause" of the fire but that was easy since it was the starter and that was still under warranty as it had just been changed a week and a half ago!!!
Now to see if I can get hubby bear up off of the sofa so we can put the mirror on the dresser.....wish me luck!

meet the new member to our family