Wednesday, July 23, 2014

should be getting a drivers license

A few weeks ago my stillborn son should've been turning 16.
We should have been standing in a line somewhere waiting to get a drivers licences.
I should've been baking a crazy cake for his birthday party like I did for his older sister.
I should've been hugging him and telling him how proud I am of him.
The phone should've been ringing with birthday wishes from family.
His siblings should've been singing happy birthday and giving him birthday "beats"
He should be here teasing his brother about the fact that he's gonna get to drive first.
He should be here excited about the fact that in a few short weeks he will be an uncle.

Instead on his Day I sat alone thought about him and what should've been.
Instead of standing in a line waiting for a driving test we stand at his grave.
Instead of baking him a cake I bring balloons to his grave.
Instead of hugging him i sit and cry cause it just hurts so much that he's gone and I miss him oh so much.
Instead of family phoning to say happy birthday the phone never rang.
Instead of his siblings singing happy birthday to him, they sing to his grave.
Instead of teasing his younger brother about being the first to drive, his younger brother will drive and he never will.
Instead of excitedly waiting for his niece we will be bringing her to meet him in the cemetery.

It hurts that this sweet boy doesn't matter, it hurts that NO ONE remembered his day and as his Momma how hard this day must be for me.
I MISS MY SON, that will NEVER change no matter how many people forget, the fact that he isn't important enough for people to remember actually makes it hurt more.

As his Mom I need people to remember him, I need to hear his name, I need him NEVER to be forgotten. It just hurts so much to think he doesn't matter to anyone but me.

I recently was asked two questions, the first was for Mom's who never got a clear answer as to why their child died how do you get past it. My answer is you Never get past it, I have learned to live with the hurt, it is always there it doesn't go away. Same with the guilt I should've protected him and I failed and he isn't here. The second was if you had 1 hour to sit and talk to someone that has passed for 1 hour who would you pick? For me the answer is my son, just 1 hour, so I could "meet" him.

I miss this little boy so much and no amount of years make it better. It hurts so much that all the people I love have forgotten this sweet boy...

This sweet boy is my Mackenzie Wade born June 30,1998. 6 lbs. 10 oz. 19.5 inches long. He was born at 39 weeks and 6 days and was perfect in every way he just never took his first breath. I love you my dear son and I will never forget even if everyone else does....

Friday, July 18, 2014

slipped disc????

Recently I had something not so great happen, I was loading the dishwasher , I turned to speak to one of the children and I instantly knew something bad happened in my back. For the rest of the day I took it easy and iced my back to no avail. The next morning it was bad. So bad in fact that I could hardly move every time I moved my entire left leg would cramp. I have NEVER been in this much pain ever (and I have had 5 babies) I spent a week half sitting half  lying on my right side on the sofa so I could prop myself up. Any movement caused the cramping again and the only thing I could do then was try to get on my feet to walk it off. Only walking it off wasn't great either cause I couldn't stand upright, if I did stand upright I couldn't put my foot flat on the floor. Finally after 3 days of constant pain I went to see my chiropractor all he would do was muscle stimulation, after a week and a half, I felt like it wasn't helping. I was always in so much pain even showering didn't help. So I went to see my GP, he said I pulled a muscle and gave me some "pain" meds. Well the meds didn't do anything expect make me sick, my Advil worked better and it was obvious that it was more then a pulled muscle I wanted and xray and some answers but he assured me I didn't have the signs they look for to order an xray so I went home with the same amount of pain and no answers. That weekend we did a family camp weekend and I didn't want my kids to miss out so I made the decision  to go.... We have a pop up trailer and I figured I'd be able to make it work even if I had to sleep in a lawn chair. Lets just say it didn't go well. That night at the showers I went to have a shower , a dollar gets you 3 minutes I ended up turning the shower off before it stopped and crying while getting dressed. Then when I came out and collapsed by the benches while I sobbed.  The first night wasn't any better it was just me and my kids (the hubby had to work) . So there I am in my camper popping Advil and Tylenol to try to sleep, I would sleep for an hour and wake up with my leg cramping then I would try to "walk" it off without waking the kids..... I don't know if it was because of the cool weather or what was making it so bad but it was so so bad. The next night the hubs was there and I showered in the handy cap stall so I could sit and shower, otherwise I would not have tried that again I would have sponge bathed in my camper instead. I was able to sleep a little better, I woke up every 1.5 with leg cramping but it wasn't nearly as bad. It sucked though cause I missed out on walks, and other fun stuff. the last night was so bad again that we ended up leaving at 12:30 and going home so I could soak in the tub.

  My pain was so so bad I went to the Pan Am Clinic  minor pain walk in clinic after a painful 4.5 hour wait in the waiting area I saw a Dr. and was given an xray, turns out it was a herniated disc. I was given some pain meds to help me sleep, it blocks the damaged nerve so I feel less pain. I was also given an order for a M.R.I. So after 4.5 weeks of MAJOR pain I am starting to feel better hopefully I never have to feel this again.

Monday, May 19, 2014

how to become disowned by your family

Apparently all it takes to become disowned is to tell your family your hurting because of some of their actions, and make them hear it. Then you become family less. Then when they say mean hurtful things to you , you apologize and they don't except it. Then you get uninvited to your nephews birthday because they don't want you to ruin his day (which I never ever would). Who knew it would be that easy for people who say they love you to no longer love you. I'm blown away.

  I was hurting on Mothers day because the family went out to lunch together (called each other and met up for lunch ) but did not include my family, I just wanted them all to know that I was hurt that when we got to my Mom's house no one was their (it was a prearranged visit) and this isn't the first time, last summer we arranged to go visit the brother at camp and rent a boat and spend the day fishing, then the morning of the planned trip I called the sister and she informed me that they had gone the day before and rented the boat. So we went and got no boat. Or the time that the bodies exhibit was here and we all sat around the table at my mothers house  and talked bout how my self and both the brother in law and sister in law wanted to see the exhibit and the other 3 would do something together only to find out they did go but no one invited me ( I never got to go cause I had no one to go with) there are tons of other examples and most times I say nothing.  IT HURTS TO ALWAYS FEEL LET OUT.

This week was rough for me I ended up feeling like I wanted to hurt myself, but I have learned to reach out to the hubby before I do something stupid thankfully no matter what my hubby loves me.

 So as it stands now my parents are talking to me and my siblings aren't it hurts to think I don't get to be a part of my niece and nephews lives because my feelings were hurt and I  choose to speak out in a way that I knew would be heard.

 I have apologized but as I said my apology was not excepted and no apology's have been offered by anyone else so I guess I'm alone in this world now. I will not be reaching out to anyone they know where I am if they want me.

Monday, July 15, 2013

i struggle

To say I struggle is an understatement, i have been told bu to many people who are supposed to be friends and have no idea what is actually going on that I'm a bad mother. So I struggle i have two children who take a lot of medication to stay healthy and it' s a struggle to get those meds into their system. I have a child who never eats a full meal instaed he grazes and i feel like people judge me when i don't make him eat a full meal. What they don't understand is he has ALWAYS done this from the tome he was born it took him so long to eat he was always eating.... this is why he is the way he is.... if he doesn't "eat" he snacks healthy he lobes apples, snap peas and baby carrots.
So I struggle.... I may not be the worlds best mom but I love my kids no matter what and i want whats best for them...

  This morning i got up and looked out my window and saw a car parked the wrong way on the road infront of my house, my first thought someone is probably mad at me and called CFS on me...... is that what your first thought would be?  Well it was mine in the last few years i have been accused of so many horrible things and had so many people try to get my kids taken away that i' m not really enjoying these years as kids I'm more counting the days till they are 18 and no one can call to have the taken away... that is 10 more years.....Hope i can hang on that long...

 Any wonder that I have been un employed for 12 weeks and have done little More then hide in my bedroom ?

 I'm really struggling here....

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

4 years

For 4 years my oldest daughter has lived with her Dad. For 4 years I have not gotten even a phone call on Mother's day with a happy mothers day wish. It Hurts ALOT. for 4 years I have not received a happy birthday wish from my daughter, only then to have her tell me all the wonderful things she did for her auntie, her Grandma and her Dad for their birthdays. It Hurts ALOT. I don't know how we get past this, things seem to go well when other people are round and I'm protected the second it's her an I it's a free for all and she screams NASTY things at me. It Hurts ALOT.......

 Here I am again my life is in total chaos, I miss my daughter I miss my son in law and I miss my son. There's nothing I can do about it. It doesn't seem to matter how much we all hurt. Or that her 11 year old sister in currently sleeping in my room next to my bed because she can't get Ashton's angry words out of her head when she goes to sleep at night. Nope all that matters is that I am wrong and she is Right....

 I wish my life was easy I wish someone loved me.....

Friday, March 29, 2013

I can't keep doing this.....

At Christmas time I didn't get to have all my family together. I was shunned and everyone around me got hugs I was left out. It hurt me MORE then anything in this world. For the first time in at least 4 years my family was to be together all of us getting along (hopefully) in one place having a good time and enjoying each other. It won't happen all because of nasty names and hitting. I AM DONE. I can't put it together without help. Until everyone agrees to family counselling ALL further holidays are cancelled. There will be no birthdays, there will be no Christmas, there will be no Easter, there will be nothing until everyone grows up and agrees to fix this......

Saturday, February 2, 2013


last year was hard, very hard. I really struggled just to see the light each day. Now it's a new year and I'm trying not to dwell on the things that happened last year. My hardest struggle is trust. Let me start by saying that I don't have any really friends, or anyone to really confide in. I feel very alone all the time.

Here's why I don't trust anyone, Last year CFS (child and family services) was called on me three times every time it was because someone else had something they were trying to prove. I was accused of beating my daughter (which NEVER happened) I was also accused of putting my children in danger. If you know me You know That I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR MY KIDS. All in all cfs realized that all I really want is what is best for my children and so all the claims were dropped because it was obviously not true. Now the question is how do I get past this and trust anyone again? Right now I trust no one because the first thing people do is lie about me and try to get my kids taken away because they know that's how they can hurt me.

 It got so bad last year that I actually had to take 3 weeks of stress leave from my job because of this.. I need to figure out how to get past this..... the question is how???