gonna be a good year!!!

I came here to quickly post!!! I have just come home from yet another overnight (it's the only shift I work) and all is quiet!!! The oldest girl went to a friends house for a sleepover and the youngest three are at grandma and grandpa house!!! I had to walk home this morning because the hubby is working his very first shift as a tow truck driver (all the other shifts were training) today he is all by himself!! He is a touch nervous about it but who are we kidding he couldn't be working a job more perfect for him!!! He will do just fine and he LOVES it!! It's just a touch cold outside -15 but it feels like -35 with the windchill. Anyhow I'm sitting in my brand new Jammie's (I finally got to go to reitmans and buy myself some new things with the gift card my good friends got me a little while ago, and one of the things is my new Jammie's along with a new outfit!!) Thanks again guys!!! Any how the plan is to blog, throw in a load of laundry and get some sleep!!!
It's almost new years and on my walk home I was thinking about new years resolutions, I really don't know what to resolve to do this year. Last year was tough and I know that my faith has lacked sometimes alot!!! But things are on the up and up, hopefully they stay that way. (see there I go again not trusting) but really this year has been far from easy in fact if it were not for some really good friends and my parents we would not have made it!!! My parents have shown up here every week with more food and all I had to do was say the word. In fact sometimes I didn't even say the word they asked the kids and then brought over food!! I am so lucky that they care so much.
In fact things were VERY hard and if it were not for my loving husband I would not be sitting here writ ting these words and Christmas would have been very hard for my whole family this year. For that I am so sorry!!! I promise I will always take my meds!!!
Great now I've made myself cry, but it was hard and I hate feeling that way!! My Mom and I had a conversation about that and she asked what it is that I can't forgive myself for, wow that's a loaded question, but really it's simple, I'm sorry to Ashton for the situation she is in I realize that it is my fault and I truly am sorry but the biggy is my Mackenzie I am so sorry, I should have known and I should have helped him. Plain and simply how does one forgive ones self for not protecting a child and have ti live with the guilt each and every day??? (for more on his story please read this post http://mommato4babiesand3angels.blogspot.com/search/label/Mackenzie%20Wade"> and this one http://mommato4babiesand3angels.blogspot.com/search/label/Mcakenzie%20Wade in my head I know that it really wasn't my fault but try telling my heart that I will live with this guilt forever I can't make it right!!! I'm just so sorry and I love you Mackenzie Wade and if I could go back I'd do everything I could to protect you and while on the subject of my precious angel baby I never got out to the cemetery to bring him a Christmas tree this year either so I'll have to go out soon and bring him something!!! It's just not right that a mommy doesn't get something for her baby, even angel babies!!! I always feel as though I've forgotten him, don't get me wrong not a single day passes that I don't think of him, I think of him in one way or another EVERY day and I always will!!!
On that note maybe I should reslove to try and forgive myself for not protecting my baby and having this horrible tragic ending to his short life ( I just don't know if I can or even where to start, at least I'm not made at God anymore, but that took six years to work out, and Mackenzie's 12Th birthday would be this year) But I'm not making any promises because I just don't know if I can!!!
I'm gonna leave this post at that and hopefully be back soon to post about Christmas!!!



My beautiful angel baby

blessings

Last night as I lay awake telling myself I have to go to sleep because I had to work a full 8 hour shift today, I got to thinking and this child's song popped into my head: The Wise Man and The Foolish Man
The wise man built his house upon the rock.
The wise man built his house upon the rock.
The wise man built his house upon the rock,
And the rains came tumbling down.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
But the house on the rock stood firm.

The foolish man built his house upon the sand.
The foolish man built his house upon the sand.
The foolish man built his house upon the sand.
And the rains came tumbling down.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
And the house on the sound fell down. CRASH!

So build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ.
Build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ.
Build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ,
And the blessings will come down.
The blessings will come down as the prayers go up.
The blessings will come down as the prayers go up.
The blessings will come down as the prayers go up.
So build your life on the Rock.
We have had MANY troubles these past few months, it has been a hard road, The one thing that we have known the whole time is that our friends and family love us and that even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it God is there. Prayer does help, even though we sometimes wonder why us again!! I struggle with not getting angry at God. When Mackenzie died I was VERY angry for a VERY long time (6 years in fact) I learned alot from that even though I spent 6 years being mad it didn't change the fact that he isn't here and I can't bring him back. So through this whole thing we have spent ALOT of time praying. In fact my mother has told me that if you are on your knees you can't stumble so maybe God is keeping you on your knees so that you won't stumble!!! Good point, I have spent ALOT of time on my knees.
Things are starting to turn around, I have a job, it may not be the greatest, but it's fun. My hubby has got a job pending a clean criminal record check (which we know will come backs clean) Hurray he'll be doing something he loves!!! We have a home we feel safe in and have a car that is totally paid for!!!
Yup the sun is shinning through those horrible rain clouds!!

I want to be the wise man and I strive to be that I know I'll never be perfect and nor do I expect to be, I love God and I just strive to be like him!!!

finally wheels

We have been without our own wheels since the 29th of october, let me tell you is has been hard, although we have had some borrowed to us you still have the what if theres an accident. What if it breaks down, which in one case it did but it was a problem they knew about (the fuel pump) and were waiting for it to finally quit. Then my Ex (big sister bears Dad) borrowed us his little car. That has been good cause it's cheap on fuel and it has conviced Daddy bear to sell his truck that's right folks we currently have a Ford F 250 super duty extedned cab diesel with 405 kms on it for sale. He wants to buy a small car and this was all his idea!!! Incase your wondering the problem with the truck wasn't a seroius as we first thought it was the starter (it was faulty) so everything has been repaired in fact it has a new starter, a new alternator, newer tires,and the water pump has been changed in the last little while!!! Hurray for smaller wheels!!!!

Be still and know...

Be still and know that I AM GOD.......
This is my favorite verse......
In fact it is painted on my wall in the kitchen as a reminder......
Even with this reminder I often forget.....
Oh how I wish I could ALWAYS remember.....



Here is why this is a favorite, a few years ago (actually 5 years ago) our big brother bear had kidney stones (he was 3 at the time) and the were growing at an alarming rate so it was decided that he should under go the ultrasonic laser treatment to break up the stones so that he could pass them. We of cor use then had to strain his pees to make sure we got it all and so it could be sent to be tested to see what kind it was. 1 week after the "breaking" we had to bring our little boy back for an ultrasound, then for and x-ray, then back to the doc again for the "results" (it was a VERY LONG day spent at children's with a three year old and a 1 year old).Anyhow it was then decided that the stone had indeed broken but now all the pieces were lodged in the utterer and not allowing his left kidney to drain, We were schedule for a return to the O.R. for in 4 days time, where big brother bear would again be put under and the procedure repeated to see if we could move the pieces. I prayed as hard as I ever had before (as did our church) Though we knew the was no allegery to the antisetic (my fear the first time) This time he knew what was to be done and hes was not happy about it. The morning of the procedure I was a wreck, because he was a wreck. As lil sister bear was just a year she was to go to Grandma and Grandpa bears house, once there we brought everyone in and I realized I forgot the diaper bag in the van I simply stepped out the door and took the 5 or so steps to the van and the song Still still and know (sung by Mercy Me) popped into my head, I brushed it off, In the house my Mom kept telling me to stop worrying so hard when it's your baby. Once on the highway (about2 minutes from my parents) guess what they started playing that's right Be still and know by Mercy Me!!! I suddenly felt strangely calm, and told my hubby bear that we would not be having anything done. At the hospital we were sent for a follow up x-ray to see if the stone was still there, we then took the x-ray to day surgery with us. Once in the elevator I took the x-ray out and held it up. THERE WERE NO STONES, I was so excited (keep in mind I had at this point seen 7 x-rays and knew what to look for) We did not have the second procedure, instead we called Grandma and Grandpa bear with the good news ( Grandma bear is also a worrier) then went for breakfast. So you see twice that day God told me clear as day to trust if only I could listen even when we are told why is it so hard????

Anyhow the whole reason for this post is that I can now tell the world that I will soon be an Auntie bear, that's right you didn't read this wrong My brother and his beautiful wife are gonna make me an Auntie Bear( okay so I have a 10 year old nephew already, on my husband's side but he was born 6 days before my angel baby bear so as you can imagine it was hard to be happy about it when all I wanted was my baby Angel bear back) it took along time and lots of help to get this far but my niece/nephew is now 14.5 weeks along, and I'm thrilled!!!!!! ( already bought some stuff and have a quilt top and growth chart ready I just gotta quilt it maybe this week you think I'm getting ahead of myself???) I can't help it I"M SOOOOO EXCITED!!!!

hope

In my last post I sadi we have a great thsnksgiving, finally everyone had something to be thankful for . Well we have EVEN more to be thankful for, my baby bears are gonna be okay, the vitamin B6 IS WORKING!!!! big brother bears oxalates are normal again (normal is under 500 and his are around 350) lil sister bears were at 2000 and are now down to 673 so we will just be upping her from 250 mg of B6 a day to 300 mg. a day!!!! This means we have avoided a transplant for now, we will be seeing the doc every four months and doing 24 hour urines every 3 months for now and then once things are stable and going well we will see her evey 6 months. As for side effects lil sister bear was having VERY upset tummies as she upped her dose of meds, and big brother bear was having nightmares, but now that they have been on the meds for a whille they seem to have stopped!!!!

I feel like I can finally sleep, it has been7 months of worry and nights and sitting up all night crying and begging God to save my babies I just don't think I could ever be "okay" again if another baby left me!!!


MY BABY BEARS WILL BE OKAY!!!!!

God's promise

thankfulness

I think back to tha last few years and I had a thought why not post where I am now, but first you must know that my life has been far from perfect infact I feel like ever step to here has pretty much been a strugle, now I know some of them where my fault. At 17 I had my first baby, that would be my big sister bear and it was hard, expecting a baby at 17 was not something i would EVER choose to do again!! I love big sister bear and she is one of the greater things I've had happen to ne, but if I had my choice I'd have her a few years later!!

At 19 I met my husband and we got engaged, pregant and married in that order. I was 20 when my angel baby bear was born still. Losing him is by far the WORST thing that has ever happened to me and yet I would not go back and not have him, I may not have alot to remember him by but I do have memories and he's my baby!!!

When big brother bear was 3 he had kidney stones, then lil sister bear had kidney stones at 5 and we knew something was VERY wrong.

My Dad recently had both a few mini strokes and a torn shoulder muscle making him unable to work ,thus not get paid for a Very long time, as his insurance provder deicded he was well enough to work and the doc would not give him a clean bill of health.

Then my parents were involved in a MAJOR car accident and we just about lost them both, thankfully they are still here and finally able to work again, and pretty much back to "normal" or maybe we've just gotten used to a new "normal".

We just had thanksgiving and this is the FIRST thanksgiving that each family had something to be thankful for!!!! My family is thankful for an answer to the children's problem, no it was not the answer we wanted but it is an answer and maybe by already knowing we can avoid a liver transplant for now, God will take care of it and if we need the transplant God will be there and we WILL be okay. I'm not saying that, it is not scary I'm just saying that God has always been there before he won't leave us alone now!!!!! We are also VERY thankful for my job, we'll finally not have to worry about money anymore, there will alwyas be food in the fridge and we'll ba able to order hamburger days and hotdog days, these are things that haven't always been in our house there have been to many days when the fridge was empty and me and Daddy bear did not eat so the baby bears could!!! My sister has found a man who is good enough to marry her, he's a wonderful man who will be there for her forever and she's so happy. My brother and sister-in-law have finally been able to do something that they have been wanting for a very long time. My parnets finally came into some money and now things aren't as tight for then either!!!!

Thanksgiving was better this year then it has been in 10 years and we are so thankful!!!! God has brought us through and will be there forever!!! There were lots of happy tears at the dinner table, you know us girls we cry!!! :-)

God's promise

While driving home toady after dropping Daddy bear off at work I got to thinking. A few days ago on the way home we ( me and the whole family) saw the most glorious rainbow. In fact it was so large that I could not get the whole thing on the camara screen at once. I feel like with everything that has happened in the past few years, God is trying to tell me something and maybe I'm not listening or I just don't get it. The bad things keep happening witin my family as aquick example, my son died, then my next son was born and brought right to the N.I.C.U, I had diabetes in my last pregancy, my Dad had a stroke, then both of my parents were invloved in a MAJOR car accident (infact if thr car had been hit just a foot over the would not have made it), and most recently my two middle bears have been diagnosed with PH1.

Okay so today while driving I began thinking about that rainbow, what if I have been thinking way to hard about the bad things? So then I treid to come up with the good things that have happened, and you know what they way out weigh the bad ones!!!!
First I have 4 beautiful, smart, healthy (for the most part) children that is four wonderful blessings that I should be so thankful for, my in laws have finally come from paraguay (now we all have a chance to get to know them it is wonderful to see the children interact with them), My parents are both here, there were only minor effects leftover from the storke and they are both still here!!!! My brother has married the most wonderful women who fits right in our family, and my sister is about to marry the most wonderful man who also has be come just like one of us!!!

So there you have it the blessings the Lord has given. Even some of the bad things are becoming blessings the things i learned about being a mom through the loss of angel bera would not have been learned without his loss. Don't get me wrong I'd give my right arm to have him back even for just a few hours, but that is not to be, so life goes on just as it will as we deal with this PH1. As a family WE WILL NOT ALLOW THIS TO DESTROY US!!!!!!

IO am so thankful to God for all the blessings and that rainbow a few days ago on that road, that's what I needed a reminder that God is still there, even when we feel so alone!!!!