Wednesday, July 23, 2014

should be getting a drivers license

A few weeks ago my stillborn son should've been turning 16.
We should have been standing in a line somewhere waiting to get a drivers licences.
I should've been baking a crazy cake for his birthday party like I did for his older sister.
I should've been hugging him and telling him how proud I am of him.
The phone should've been ringing with birthday wishes from family.
His siblings should've been singing happy birthday and giving him birthday "beats"
He should be here teasing his brother about the fact that he's gonna get to drive first.
He should be here excited about the fact that in a few short weeks he will be an uncle.

Instead on his Day I sat alone thought about him and what should've been.
Instead of standing in a line waiting for a driving test we stand at his grave.
Instead of baking him a cake I bring balloons to his grave.
Instead of hugging him i sit and cry cause it just hurts so much that he's gone and I miss him oh so much.
Instead of family phoning to say happy birthday the phone never rang.
Instead of his siblings singing happy birthday to him, they sing to his grave.
Instead of teasing his younger brother about being the first to drive, his younger brother will drive and he never will.
Instead of excitedly waiting for his niece we will be bringing her to meet him in the cemetery.

It hurts that this sweet boy doesn't matter, it hurts that NO ONE remembered his day and as his Momma how hard this day must be for me.
I MISS MY SON, that will NEVER change no matter how many people forget, the fact that he isn't important enough for people to remember actually makes it hurt more.

As his Mom I need people to remember him, I need to hear his name, I need him NEVER to be forgotten. It just hurts so much to think he doesn't matter to anyone but me.

I recently was asked two questions, the first was for Mom's who never got a clear answer as to why their child died how do you get past it. My answer is you Never get past it, I have learned to live with the hurt, it is always there it doesn't go away. Same with the guilt I should've protected him and I failed and he isn't here. The second was if you had 1 hour to sit and talk to someone that has passed for 1 hour who would you pick? For me the answer is my son, just 1 hour, so I could "meet" him.

I miss this little boy so much and no amount of years make it better. It hurts so much that all the people I love have forgotten this sweet boy...

This sweet boy is my Mackenzie Wade born June 30,1998. 6 lbs. 10 oz. 19.5 inches long. He was born at 39 weeks and 6 days and was perfect in every way he just never took his first breath. I love you my dear son and I will never forget even if everyone else does....

Friday, July 18, 2014

slipped disc????

Recently I had something not so great happen, I was loading the dishwasher , I turned to speak to one of the children and I instantly knew something bad happened in my back. For the rest of the day I took it easy and iced my back to no avail. The next morning it was bad. So bad in fact that I could hardly move every time I moved my entire left leg would cramp. I have NEVER been in this much pain ever (and I have had 5 babies) I spent a week half sitting half  lying on my right side on the sofa so I could prop myself up. Any movement caused the cramping again and the only thing I could do then was try to get on my feet to walk it off. Only walking it off wasn't great either cause I couldn't stand upright, if I did stand upright I couldn't put my foot flat on the floor. Finally after 3 days of constant pain I went to see my chiropractor all he would do was muscle stimulation, after a week and a half, I felt like it wasn't helping. I was always in so much pain even showering didn't help. So I went to see my GP, he said I pulled a muscle and gave me some "pain" meds. Well the meds didn't do anything expect make me sick, my Advil worked better and it was obvious that it was more then a pulled muscle I wanted and xray and some answers but he assured me I didn't have the signs they look for to order an xray so I went home with the same amount of pain and no answers. That weekend we did a family camp weekend and I didn't want my kids to miss out so I made the decision  to go.... We have a pop up trailer and I figured I'd be able to make it work even if I had to sleep in a lawn chair. Lets just say it didn't go well. That night at the showers I went to have a shower , a dollar gets you 3 minutes I ended up turning the shower off before it stopped and crying while getting dressed. Then when I came out and collapsed by the benches while I sobbed.  The first night wasn't any better it was just me and my kids (the hubby had to work) . So there I am in my camper popping Advil and Tylenol to try to sleep, I would sleep for an hour and wake up with my leg cramping then I would try to "walk" it off without waking the kids..... I don't know if it was because of the cool weather or what was making it so bad but it was so so bad. The next night the hubs was there and I showered in the handy cap stall so I could sit and shower, otherwise I would not have tried that again I would have sponge bathed in my camper instead. I was able to sleep a little better, I woke up every 1.5 with leg cramping but it wasn't nearly as bad. It sucked though cause I missed out on walks, and other fun stuff. the last night was so bad again that we ended up leaving at 12:30 and going home so I could soak in the tub.

  My pain was so so bad I went to the Pan Am Clinic  minor pain walk in clinic after a painful 4.5 hour wait in the waiting area I saw a Dr. and was given an xray, turns out it was a herniated disc. I was given some pain meds to help me sleep, it blocks the damaged nerve so I feel less pain. I was also given an order for a M.R.I. So after 4.5 weeks of MAJOR pain I am starting to feel better hopefully I never have to feel this again.