Saturday, December 29, 2012

before you judge me...

Before you judge me walk a mile in my shoes..........
     ..............imagine not wanting to get out of bed EVER...
     ..............imagine thinking of all the ways you could die,
     ..............imagine wondering what it would be like to drive your car off of the next bridge you cross.
     ..............imagine your child screaming hate at you all the time, and lying to everyone about you. imagine your family believing those lies.
     ..............imagine having no friends, no one to pick up the phone and call.
     ..............imagine thinking your family loves you. imagine you find out they are all talking about you behind your back.
     ..............imagine how much that all hurts.
     ..............imagine having to take medicine to fell normal, and still not feeling "normal"
     ..............just imagine...

Sunday, December 16, 2012

it's so sad.....

This week some mad man went into an American school and shot 20 children and 6 teachers. He had killed his mother  (who was a teacher) before going to the school and when he was done he turned the gun on himself. The sad part is that it is the week before Christmas and 28 families have lost loves ones. This week I hug my children closer, I also realize that my daughter is missing. How do I fix this. what would I do if something horrible happened. My heart breaks because I cannot fix this. I have been removed from her school as a contact, my number has been blocked from her phone. As I tried to finish my Christmas shopping today , I ended in a sobbing mess. I no longer know my own child. I don't know what she wants. Worst of all I don't know how to fix this. So I sit and cry and pray for a miracle...........

Please God I need a miracle..........

Sunday, November 18, 2012

praising God in the storm

What a wonderful morning of worship, we attended church with my sister and her family, and my brother and his family. It is GREAT to get together with family and friend and praise God together.
There have been times when I felt like God wasn't paying attention to me, now I think it was me not paying attention. We should have a church service everyday then life would be perfect.

 Tomorrow is back to work, I'm sure it won't be a cake walk, but it is in God's hands and I know he'll be there with me. I just need to keep my mouth shut and smile and nod...... That's my plan heading in to tomorrow. Hopefully it's not to bad :-)

Monday, November 12, 2012

what is going on?

So the last few months have been VERY rough, My daughter has been a handful in a major way and somehow all of this is my fault. according to Ashton, her Dad and my former best friend (who lives in B.C. ) I am at fault for all of this. I don't get it, she does things because she's mad at her Dad and then they all blame me.  It has also been VERY rough at work, I'm being told one thing and then when I do it I get written up for it, so far I have been written up twice both times it wasn't warranted if only my boss would talk to me instead of about me. I also found out some interesting info this week which would explain the reason my boss suddenly hates me ( before we would go out for dinner together, we had pedicures together, we took my kids for ice cream) Now she doesn't even talk to me. Nothing. Anyhow it was bad. I stopped Face book, I started therapy again, and I took a 3 week leave from work. I'm feeling lots better and hopefully life will turn around.
My daughter still isn't talking to me but it's at a point where I can't do anything about it we need to go to counseling and she won't go. So I pray and wait.
Hopefully things with my boss change when I go back to work, if not there are things I can and will do. I am a person and I deserve to be treated like one.
I will continue to go to counseling because my family deserves me at the top of my game.
I have actively started going to church, I know God will be there and his hands are in all aspects of my life so I will leave these troubles with him and they will work out.

Friday, November 9, 2012

its raining again.

I have been off work for 3 weeks, the stress got to be way to much. What did I do? I hid and cleaned my apartment. What did I accomplish? really nothing. I did relax and bring my stress level down a  tad. But it is so very hard, there are constant attacks. My daughter turned 17, it was the first time I had talked to here in 6 weeks. She finally called. it wasn't because I didn't want to talk to her it was because she didn't want to talk to me she doesn't answer the phone for me and she wont call me. As her gift I want to book her driving test and pay for it, but she doesn't know it because she again isn't answering the phone.
  what happened you ask? I don't know other then someone told her somethings that happened 20 years ago (yup well before her time) and all those things did was hurt her, so I really don't get why this was all brought up. Who cares who I dated and before this was said to her maybe they should have made sure they were actually telling her the truth. But no people just do whatever they have to to make themselves feel better. Needless to say I have a 17 year old daughter and I don't know if she's safe, I don't know anything really cause no one will tell me anything. I just don't get what I have done. My ex is such a great father and doing such and excellent job ( I say my voice dripping with sarcasm) instead of calling me to talk about Ashton he picks up the phone and calls my ex-best friend, or drops her off at her druggie boyfriends house. I'm so frustrated what will it take?

 I hope we make it through this.

I have to go back to work on Monday and honestly I'm scared to death, here we go back to being "stalked" all day long by my boss, back to not being  talked to instead being talked about, back to being written up for things my boss said I could do. I'm holding my breath and hoping for the best.

If you read this and your a praying person please add a prayer for my Ashton. Thank you.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

my life sucks

My daughter hates me, my boss bullies me and gets away with it. My life sucks.....

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

I need a break, I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. I knew there was gonna be problems, you see my boss is going on holidays and OVERTIME she leaves I get in trouble before she goes. I ' m not sure why but I can' t keep doing this. I really can't keep this up. Between her and Ashton it is getting to be way too much. What do I do? Anyone please help.....

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Dear Ashton

Dear Ashton,
Today as I walked by the elevators I noticed a girl about your height, with dark hair wearing her P.J's and looking alot like you when you just crawl out of bed.
My heart skipped a beat.
I thought it was you.
Then my heart dropped when I realized it wasn't you.

I miss you, I wish I could talk to you, I wish I could hug you.

I love you more then you'll ever know I hope you read this. I need you to know how much I love you.

Love always,
Mom <3

Sunday, September 9, 2012

it all just hurts too much

there is nothing in this world that compares to the pain my heart is in, if I had known then what I know now how different would my life be?
most days getting out of bed is a struggle, I don't wanna get up, I don't wanna go out I don't wanna do anything. I know this is mainly the depression talking however it is true feelings. I really don't wanna do anything. Most of all I don't wanna live.

The last conversation I had with my oldest daughter ended with me hanging up on her after she told me I should just kill myself cause everyones life would be better. It hurts more then anything to have my own child say that to me. I don't wanna feel this way, but how can I not when my own child feels this way about me.

I don't know if life is worth living I really don't. It seems no one really cares, maybe they would all be better off without me.

Monday, September 3, 2012

now what??

I was 17 when I welcomed the most beautiful little girl into my world, over the last 17 years I have loved this girl uncodtionally. I have fought to keep her in my life. It has come to the point that I have to make desicions to keep the rest of my family safe. it is heart breaking to listen to my other children cry themselves to sleep and sob in thier sleep because of the things thier sister is doing. I just wish things could be different.

Imagaine yourself standing at your child's grave as the casket is lowered and you know you'll never see that child again. Now imagine having to sign over the custody of that sweet child you gave birth to 17 years ago. Only to have that child laugh in your face.

The way it has come about is that my husband and I am honsetly scared for our safety because of the threats being made by both my child and her boyfriend. I sat up all night long crying and trying to figure out what my next step is gonna be. The way I see it is I'm whats keeping my hubby and the other chiuldren from being safe. So the soultion is for me to be gone. There are 3 ways to acheiev that one, is for my life to be over. Another way is for me to cut off Ashton completely. the last option is for me to dissappear. The desicion has been made to cut out Ashton. Therefore I have given up all my rights to her, I no longer have any say in this child.

It's just as well she thinks it's funny, and her Dad lets her run free. Hopefully one day things will change but for right now it is what it is. It breaks my heart to have to go this far, but I MUST keep my other children safe.

Ashton if you read this you can now tell people you don't see your Mom, but you can NEVER say I DON'T LOVE YOU. I will ALWAYS love you I just can't stand by and watch you hurt your siblings any more.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

waves of change

It has been a very hard road for me lately. When I buried my son I honestly thought I would NEVER do anything as hard as that. What I didn't know is I was wrong, so very wrong. We have been having some very serious trouble with our oldest daughter. It has gotten really bad, we never know what is really happening in her world. We have to check everything she says and does, we never know if shes been drinking, or if she is doing drugs. She disappears on us every chance she gets, the last time she was gone she was running for 2.5 weeks. It ended with alot of money and things stolen, child and family services checking on my husband and I on claims of abuse. Each child was interviewed to make sure they were okay and my daughter laying in her bed unable to talk, move, after a whole weekend of one parent or another sitting with her day and night. She was moved to another area of the hospital, from there she was released to her Dad. It was a rough weekend sitting in that tiny chair, trying to sleep barley eating and always having an upset tummy. Tums were my best friends. The hard part is keeping this child safe. I'm at the end of my ropes with her and just wish things could turn around.....

I talked to a friend of hers grandma and she said it so well, I'm just so tried of crying, of not sleeping and wondering if my child is safe, or if the next call will be the police telling me they found her dead.

My heart aches for my sweet daughter the one who used to laugh and make us all laugh with her. The only I could fully trust in any situation. The one who everyone wanted to be around. That sweet, sweet baby I first held in my arms and whispered love to. That sweet toddler who was into everything. That precious girl who was slowly turning into a wonderful young lady. I ache to keep her safe, I ache to take her place in the mistakes I see her making, and save her from the hurt she will eventually feel. Most of all I ache to hug this child and tell her how much I love her no matter what, and that I would willingly give up my life to save hers.

If you read this and you believe in the power of prayer please say an extra one for my Ashton, I just want her to make it through this whole....

Thursday, May 3, 2012

I love you forever

I don't know how else to tell you, no matter what I love you, you are my child and NOTHING can ever change that. I'm sad to see the things your doing and the decisions your making, but I can't control you and I don't want to. I'm sorry that your angry for the way people react to what your doing. As you will some point learn you must deal with the consciences of your own actions.

From the day you were born you had my heart, I would have done anything for you the minute I saw you....... I still would do anything for you. No matter what you say, or do I love you. I want what is best for you. However I cannot tolerate you swearing and disrespecting me. i am more then happy to listen to what you have to say as long as it is done in a respectful way without cursing.

I love you and your siblings more then anything I only wish you and I could have a good relationship....

I love you and NOTHING will ever change that I only hope you realize just how much....

Monday, April 2, 2012

cyber bullying???? Abuse????

So recently I had an experience I feel I need to blog about, I can't get it off my mind and maybe this will help.

Why do women allow men to abuse them? I don't get how a strong women can just allow a man to control everything. I am not one of those women no man would ever get away with total control. Yes my husband has pretty much full control of the money in our home. That is because I want him to. As far as moving me across the country and getting me away from everyone I love and those who love me........not gonna happen. Making comments to friends to make the mad........not gonna happen. Having him cyber bully a good friend cause he can..........Yeah I'd put a stop to that. Having to have the same face book profile because you both don't trust each other that's a problem. It's not that I don't love him, i do. I just don't think any man should be allowed to treat someone like that. Now some women stay in relationships like this. if you choose to stay that is up to you. I will not allow my husband to treat me like that, and I most certainly will not allow your husband to treat me like that.
When I think of cyber bullying i don't think of adults, I think of children, however I feel i was cyber bullied by a grown man who should no better

A few weeks ago I received some NASTY messages from someone Else's husband, i am not okay with that. I then was accused of starting a fight......ummmmm who started it? Certainly not me. In fact I ended it. I will no longer be talking to said person unless it is minus the husband. The way things were done were not okay. These folks need to take a HUGE step back and see it from me point of view. If your husband starts a fight with cyber bullying then he needs to be held responsible and the blame should not be pasted on to someone else.

I will allow no man to treat me like dirt, not mine and certainly not one who really knows nothing about what is going on......

Hopefully this will put an end to all of this, this is my opinion and I wanna stop thinking about it. I have made my decision and that is to live my life without this man in it......

Saturday, March 31, 2012

I have a problem........

I have a real problem with the "new" way of looking a child birth, yes child birth is a natural thing. Women are built to have babies, but sometimes bad things happen. I am living proof bad things happen. I had not medical intervention twice, the first time everything was fine. I got a beautiful baby girl. the second time my water broke at home, we went to the hospital and there was no heartbeat my beautiful son was stillborn at 39 weeks and 6 days. The next two births were medically induced at 38 weeks, both times babies were beautiful and alive (though one spent almost a week in the N.I.C.U.) my last baby was born at 37 weeks, all the doctor did was strip my membranes and that was enough to scare him out.:-)

Now here is my problem, though some of these births were not induced, i did have an epidural times 5. Were my babies groggy when they were born, nope they were alert, and scored well on their apgar scores (including the one that was later sent to the N.I.C.U) Am I less of a mother then someone who was not inducded? or someone who didn't have an epidural. Nope. I took the precautions I needed to to make sure my children were safe. If my son had been induced at 38 weeks he would be here, he was alive then.

Two of my kids wore cloth diapers, and all my kids were breast feed however breast feeding was not something that worked for me very well. I did all the things to try and build up my milk supply. It simply did not work for me.

Yes I agree natural is best, but shoving it down throats and saying your a "better" parent because of it is just dumb. I would air on the side of caution again if i were to have to make the decisions. I know bad things can happen, I have a 1.5 foot by 2 foot plot in a cemetery that says they can. Ignoring a medical professional is not being a hero it's just plan stupid.

Monday, March 26, 2012

living with depression

To whom it may concern,
I live with depression, allow me to give you some insights on what it is like for me on a daily basis. Getting out of bed is a chore, why because I don't sleep, some nights i sit up all night long, most time because someone said something carelessly unlike most people who can brush it off, I can't once all is quiet in the house that carelessly comment plays over and over and over again in my head. I don't need you to tell me I'm fat, ugly and stupid I'm VERY aware of that fact. I don't need you to tell me it's all my fault I know that already. Even if it's not my fault I think it is and you saying it again, and again is NOT helping You don't need to tell me to see a doctor, I see one one a regular basis, I'm under a doctors care, I have seen a phychatrist I take medicine for my depression. Don't tell me to see a doctor that's the just your way of not taking responsibility for what you have said.
if you say something and it pushes the depressed person over the edge you should feel guilty, it is partially your fault, You need to be careful what you say. There are things you shouldn't say to people. You just don't know how that person is feeling.

I have at points wanted to take my own life, not because i want to but because it hurts so much that ending it all is the only thing that can make it better.
I don't want to feel sad, I don't want to feel like my life is not worth living, I want to be here for my kids, grand kids, siblings. I want to be happy, the sad fact is that most times I don't feel happy. I'm sad 80% of the time. By you adding your two cents and never knowing the real story your are not helping.

I have made some VERY major decisions and I can't handle all this sadness and never knowing the next time there will be an attack, some people just can't be "good" friends and that means I need to distance myself.

Because of all that has happened in the last few years and the dumb things people have said I don't have any close friends, I don't maintain friends, 'm scared everyone will treat me the way some people have been allowed to treat. If I had it my way i would stay in my Jammie's, and i would NEVER leave my apartment. I would never talk to people. I don't want it to be this way. I want to have friends and I want to be happy. Most of all I want people to lay off and leave me alone.

I can't get the hyper link to work so I'm gonna post some links to websites so you all can do research and see that I'm not making this up. This is how people with depression feel....

Friday, March 2, 2012

what a week......

these last two weeks have been VERY long weeks, on Sunday Feb.26, am someone hit a fire hydrant and this caused a major water main break . Resulting in no water for our building and the apartment building right behind us. Now we have 189 suites in our building and a large number of those are seniors. So you can imagine the mass chaos at the small temporary water trailer pared in our driveway. Not only that but when you have people who cannot carry water for them selves, what do you do. You can't just leave them without. Needless to say myself, and my family carried alot of water on Sunday and Monday. The city however worked out a really good system to insure we had water supply always available. In fact most of the time we had two trailers with water, and the crew was pretty much working round the clock to fix the leak. The problem, every time they fixed a leak a new leak surfaced. This place looked like a war zone. all said and done we got our water back on at 10:30 pm on Feb. 28 that was three very long days without water. so we're humming along using our water trying to forget the trauma of having no water, when we realize the hole they dug ( and never filled completely) is again filling with water and we know this is a bad sign. Whamo Sunday am the emergency phone rings, the person on the other end says, Karen I have no water in my apartment. I turn on my tap and don't know if I should laugh or cry. Instead we kick into high gear, the hubby had to work so he came downstairs and helped for a few hours, then he went to work. Tony and I headed downstairs, toques, mitts and jackets ready for a LONG day. J'naya and Brycen stayed upstairs and entertained themselves. The even showed up downstairs with sandwiches for Tony and I. It was a VERY long day, the media was all over this story, they were here interviewing people and asking all sorts of questions. Needless to say by the end of the day we were hooked up to a fire hydrant across the street and had cold water but no hot water. Then on Monday they were able to hook us up so we had water. However weds morning the water was off for a short little bit ( maybe and hour) and the panic was crazy.

Then on Thursday I woke up feeling like pooh, but I was okay t work through it. Then firday rolled around I'm telling you I have not been that sick in a very long time, a fever, the chills. I was cold all the time between Tony and I we had up words of 20 showers just to try to feel somewhat normal. Today is Sunday and he and I are both feeling better, not 100 % but better. Now jeff and J'naya aren't feeling well. At this point we are holding on for the ride.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

quick PH1 update

Last week the kids had their check up they go every 3-4 months for a kidney function checkup. The idea is that once we see kidney function decline we will be listed for liver transplants (hopefully that never happens) so we check. To prep for a checkup we do a 24 hour urine roughly 4 weeks before our appointment, and a blood draw. That way we have the results at the appointment. Guess what EVERYTHING was in the normal range......... Oxalate's were in the normal range J's were 276 and Tony's were 267. So as long as they take the meds everyday all is well. However getting those meds into them is a daily fight. I have actually found piles of them in hiding places. Urine output for J was pretty good to, and Tony's were low. That is because when I say get a glass of water J goes and tony does not. They are also 10 and 12 and they know that they must drink water and should be drinking lots of water.

They are also both kidney stone free, Tony had stones but went through some rough patches in December which also included a trip to the E.R. and an ultrasound and his now stone free.
so far all is well :-)

Sunday, February 5, 2012

where is God

So last night I went to bed begging God to do something anything, I really feel like maybe I'm not worth listening to anymore. It has been ALONG time since I wrote anything here and I feel the need to again write, more for myself then anyone else. Things with my oldest daughter have a again come to a head, I'm not really sure what on earth happened this time, the only thing I know is she is not talking to me again, apparently because I wanted to talk to her. Like an actual talk where we talked about things going on in her life. There was no argument after that unless call her calling and cussing at me and me telling her when she could talk to me in a respectful tone I would talk until then I guess we couldn't talk because I WILL NOT ALLOW ANYONE to talk to me like that especially my own child. Side note I am 33 and have NEVER and will NEVER talk to my parents like that.The last thing I heard from her 2 weeks ago was shut the he** up in a text message. After that no responses to texts (besides the few the hubby received with harassing messages ) and not answers to my calls. Now before you say but she's 16 and your her mother you need to love her. Let me tell you I do love my daughter I would give my life for her in a second, I am here, I'm always here for her. I still cannot allow her to cuss at me because I'm her mother not her friend.
Like I said at the beginning of this post I went to bed last night begging God to help me, help her, I have tried EVERYTHING.....I mean EVERYTHING to fix all this, as long as I'm willing to be her friend all is well in her world, once I say no or disagree with something she does all he** breaks loose.
As i feel asleep i remember thinking that's it I'm not worth God's time anymore and I'm probably on my own...... This morning we went to church for the first time in MONTHS.....(okay we went on Christmas eve, but other then's been a while) I don't feel like I belong anywhere and I don't want everyone to know my problem/secret I wear it like a Scarlet letter.

What is my problem you a HUGE way.......It is like a deep dark pit, you can't even see the light, you know it's there but how do you get to it, alright so I'm gonna share my depression story. Depression has always been apart of my life for various reasons though it really raised it's head after my first daughter was born you see she was roughly 4 months old when I found my baby Daddy with another women, I came home unexpected and caught him with her and my world literally fell apart. I remember standing in my front yard at 2 am with this person who was my EVERYTHING, my babies Dad,my best friend, the person I loved more then anything. I remember looking him in the eyes and saying you have to make a choice her or me......he said I want you both. He couldn't choose me so it was over, and my heart broke, the world stopped spinning in that moment, i hurt so much how could this be happening, He left and I was alone. For a whole week all I did was cry, I didn't shower, I didn't look after my baby ( my Mom did thank God for her) Finally she said to me after that first week, you have to stop you cannot keep doing this life goes on, and she was right, I picked myself up by my boot straps and kept trudging, so at 18 I moved out of my parents house, I worked, and worked hard to finish school. And I did, then I ran into my now husband. I have known my husband since I was 12 but had not seen him in a few years. A total fluke or an act of God. Anyhow the romance started and roughly 6 months later we were married (quick I know but one of the best things I have ever done.) That is when things start to get worse you see we were expecting a baby, and at 39 weeks and 6 days my water broke, when we got to the hospital there was no heart beat and instead of having a baby shower we had a funeral, instead of a son we got a 2 foot plot in the cemetery to say my world stopped is an understatement, i don't remember much of the following 6 months. I do remember taking it one minute at a time, then one hour at a time, then one day at a time, and so on. It was hard, really hard. I think it took a full 6 years for me to be able to say I do not wish my son back, I miss him. I wish I could just have 1 hour with him. But he has the best life and he is pain free and He is happy. I do not want another life for him. At this point my depression was still manageable I had rough spots but for the most part it was okay.
Then we got preggers with our youngest son, for him i wanted a drug free birth and to breast feed. None of that happened, after 12 hours my hubby couldn't handle seeing me in pain and order drugs. Then Brycen didn't nurse and that was a flop. I felt like a failure, and the depression gradually got worse to the point where I needed help. I saw a variety of doctors / phycharists. then things went really wrong, my children were diagnosed with PH 1 I spent days awake all night long crying and begging God to spare my children. and things got worse, i worked overnights and daughter rebelled and my deprssion got worse. I know how and where I would end my life , I have had times where I sent out a suicide note to family and friends ( which I then erased before my hubby could see it ). I have written letters to my children so when i die they have something from me. I hate having a plan, I wish I could be like "normal" people who don't think like that. It has been a VERY long road and it has been very hard.
I am so thankful for my husband and my family, I know I have the support when I need it, if only in my time of need I had the ability to reach out for it, however when I feel like that I don't reach out. And by feel like that I mean feel like life isn't worth living like I could just die and be done on this earth and that is how i feel, I have a hard time keeping in touch with people because i don't feel like I am worth anyone time. So I don't reach out, there are days where if I didn't work I would not get out of bed. Now my depression is not nearly as bad as it was as long as I take my anti depressants.

Fast forward to today, last night I went to bed begging God for help, this am we went to church and Guess what God spoke in a HUGE way, first my sisters sister in law walked up to me a gave me a huge hug, I needed that, second the sermon was about dark days, and how God is there and is working, i think God was telling me yup he's there, and yup he still cares. So I will allow God to work in not only my life but Ashton's life, I love my children I would give my life for thgem. I love my husband and am so thankful for all his support he has always been there for me always, at the drop of a hat and i love him for that. I am also so thankful for thier support.

I do not however love depression I will not give my life to it, instead I will work to heal from it and allow God to work in my life.