Friday, September 26, 2008


It's been a while since I posted here, I have been busy with laundry!! Seriously I had some much this week it was crazy, Sunday night when big sister bear came home from yet another visit at her Dad's. She discovered that the cats had peed on her bed, now that would not be a HUGE deal in a normal bed but big sister bear has LOTSand LOTS of pillows and blankets. So monday I spent the whole day just washing her things!! Then on tuesday I washed all the clothes that were found under big brother bears bed. There were so many no wonder he is forever complaining that he has no clean clothes he has been putting them under the bed instead of in the hamper where they belong.Weds. was the regular laundry (I normally do laundry on monday and friday), then thursday I decided to do the sheets,balnkets and pillow cases so that they could line dry one more time before the *s*n*o*w* I love the way the bed smells after the sheets dry on the line!!!!

Then last night big sister bear had another melt down, she was mad because I promised the middle bears I would bring home some cash for them to order T.C.B.Y's at school as they don't always get them( you see money is a luxary around here) so anyhow I went to the bank machine on weds. to make sure i had the $12.00 needed for them to each get 3 T.C.B.Y's durning the month. When she came home from school she saw the cash and infromed me that she needed to have $5.00 for the Terry Fox run. Now I don't have a problem with that. She should have told me sooner, here's why I didn't know. Her "other" Dad has decided that now that she's almost 13 (and I did the sleepless nights, the dirty diapers, the potty training, the parents teacher meetings, the nights of not knowing what was wrong while she cried) he should have a "chance" to be a Dad (his words not mine) so he signed the permission slip but did not read it and did not provide the funds required ( I wonder what will happen when she needs $430.00 for her band trip, he probally will not want to be a Dad that week) so I did not know about it so she deicded rather then me fufilling the promise to the middle bears I should give her the money, and a melt insuied, after which she called the said Dad and bashed the Mom for over and hour!!!!! I am not that bad I had Ashton at 17 and not once has someone else had to pay my rent or buy her food thats right folks I went to school I worked my but off School started at 8:30and was done at 3:00 and work started at 4:30 and did not end till 2:00am and then I went back to the baby who did not sleep!!!! Where was the hero Dad then? at home sleeping and out with friends!!!! I better stop or I'll say things I don't mean I just wish they would both stop and think of how this effects me!!! I love big sister bear and am not about to sit back and let him suddenly take over and move her in with him!!! She is mine!! If he wants a chance to be a full time Dad then he needs to get married and have some more babies I'm not about to give up mine !!!!!!!

Monday, September 22, 2008

the weekend

Last weekend we were house bound, lil sister bear and big brother bear are now at 250 mg. of vitamin B6 daily. Lil sister bear seems to be handling it fine now that she's on it but getting her up that high was a problem every time she was moved higher ( we started at 50mg for 2 weeks, then moved to 100mg. for 2 weeks, until she was at 250mg.) she had an upset tummy and sometimes would lie around for 4 hours until her tunny felt better. Big brother bear on the other hand has been having nightmares. He'll wake up and be terrified, it us ally takes a while to calm him,then we pray that God will protect him and he usually goes back to bed this happens at least once a week. I feel so bad for him but it's either he takes the meds or has a trans plant. So anyhow now that we are at 250mg. The Doc wants to check and see if it is helping. So last weekend we spent at home collecting pee in a bottle.

So this weekend I was determined we would go to church, that was not to be...... You see on Wednesday, I took the truck to my weekly Bible study ( the van was working but is not insured because we just can't afford it)and I noticed a puddle under the truck that looked alot like anti-freeze. So the next morning I let the hubby know and sure enough it leaked for him at work to that day, but he needed to work so Friday off he went then he came home and said he could not fine the leak. The next morning (Saturday) We headed to Town to get groceries when we came out there was a large puddle. So we headed straight home, he started to pull the truck apart. It was the water pump, by the time we found the part, borrowed the money to buy the part and got someone to come and get him,the store was closed. Durning this time we realized that the phone did not work at all(no dial tone) so we had to go to the neighbors and borrow a phone (now where we live any neighbor visits require a bike) Needless to say we finally got the part and the hubby put the truck back together but yet again we did not make it to church. I finally figure out the phone phone to or MTS fixed it I'm not sure which.

Maybe next weekend will be better maybe???

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Friday, September 12, 2008

lil sister bear

Lil sister bear was my 4 th pregnancy, she was not "planned" but was VERY much wanted from the minute we knew she was on the way. My pregnancy with her was very uneventful, aside for the few times I freaked out that she wasn't moving enough things went well. I had the usal morning sickness but even that wasn't that bad. I was working as a waitress at the 59 er until my seventh month when I was suddenly fired because of the pregnacy.

At 38 weeks we went in for a schduled induction, on monday feb 11. Lil sister bear was a bit stubborn after a very uneventful labour. Finally after 23 hours she was born. She was born feb.12 at 8:38 am, she weighed 7 lbs. 10 0z. She was perfect in everyway, she did not go to N.I.C.U. She stayed with me the whole time. We were very happy.

She came home on feb 14, Daddy bear picked us up and took us to Granma and Grandpa bears house and left us there. The plan was that Grandma bear would pick big sister bear up from school and bring her there and then after dinner Grandpa bear would take us home and help put big brother bear and big sister bear to bed then leave us till daddy bear came home again. My only complaint about her birth were the hemoraids, they were soooo bad. other then taht it all went well.

I just want to share a memory from those first few hours home, as you know we were staying at Grandmas and Grandpas bear house and at the time thier bathroom was very small. When big sister bear was born I had a 17 month old foster sister and I knew from her that I should not leave big brother bear alone with lil sister bear, so I put her right outside the bathroom door. When I came out big brother bear was trying to feed lil sister bear chocolate covered peanuts!!!!!(he was just 2 at the time) I am so glad I came out when I did!!!!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

three angels

I have had a few questions about the fact that I have 3 angels. It is a little known fact that I not only had Mackenzie who passed at birth, we also had 2 other babies that grew their angels wings really early. Our first loss was Mackenzie, then 9 months after his loss we decided to try again and actually planned to get pregnant (we have never done this before or again) so we did then at 8 weeks I started spotting and went to the doc(this was a Monday)he ran a test to confirm the pregnancy and sent me home to take it easy for the next few days.I was told if I wasn't spotting anymore on weds. I could go back to work so that's what I did. On weds. at lunch the spotting started again. We went to the hospital had an ultrasound and were sent home. Our baby left us that night, we were devastated. We deicded that we would not try again because it was just to hard. Then we got pregant with big brother bear!!!

The other angel's story is much the same we lost that baby at 8 weeks right before lil sister bear!!!!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

God's promise

While driving home toady after dropping Daddy bear off at work I got to thinking. A few days ago on the way home we ( me and the whole family) saw the most glorious rainbow. In fact it was so large that I could not get the whole thing on the camara screen at once. I feel like with everything that has happened in the past few years, God is trying to tell me something and maybe I'm not listening or I just don't get it. The bad things keep happening witin my family as aquick example, my son died, then my next son was born and brought right to the N.I.C.U, I had diabetes in my last pregancy, my Dad had a stroke, then both of my parents were invloved in a MAJOR car accident (infact if thr car had been hit just a foot over the would not have made it), and most recently my two middle bears have been diagnosed with PH1.

Okay so today while driving I began thinking about that rainbow, what if I have been thinking way to hard about the bad things? So then I treid to come up with the good things that have happened, and you know what they way out weigh the bad ones!!!!
First I have 4 beautiful, smart, healthy (for the most part) children that is four wonderful blessings that I should be so thankful for, my in laws have finally come from paraguay (now we all have a chance to get to know them it is wonderful to see the children interact with them), My parents are both here, there were only minor effects leftover from the storke and they are both still here!!!! My brother has married the most wonderful women who fits right in our family, and my sister is about to marry the most wonderful man who also has be come just like one of us!!!

So there you have it the blessings the Lord has given. Even some of the bad things are becoming blessings the things i learned about being a mom through the loss of angel bera would not have been learned without his loss. Don't get me wrong I'd give my right arm to have him back even for just a few hours, but that is not to be, so life goes on just as it will as we deal with this PH1. As a family WE WILL NOT ALLOW THIS TO DESTROY US!!!!!!

IO am so thankful to God for all the blessings and that rainbow a few days ago on that road, that's what I needed a reminder that God is still there, even when we feel so alone!!!!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Baby bear (warning this post contain's poop)

I've been thinking...... Now that's usually not such a great idea.......but in this case it was, I posted me angel bears story but I still have 4 bears here with me so I thought I should post on them as well. Then I couldn't figure out where to start so I'll start with baby bear.

Here's baby Bear's story this far,my baby bear was a bit of a surprise.(a welcome surprise but a surprise none the less) You see he is the last of 5 babies. My morning sickness was there but tolerable, although I lost 20 pounds in the first 3 months (if only I could do that now :) ) Then at 26 weeks the contractions started for a while I thought me may have to go to the hospital, after a few hours they finally stopped and life resumed. Then at 32 weeks I got the flu it was sooooooo bad, I ended up in the hopstial for an I.V. and a shot of Demerol and went home a few hours later, only to discover not soon after that I had diabetes, so then EVERY week we saw our OBGYN, the diabetes doc, and had an ultrasound, we were checking our blood sugars 4 times a day and ended up having to inject insulin twice a day.

After all that for about 8 weeks, I went into labour at 37 weeks, off to the hospital we headed I would have stayed home longer but the folks around me were freaking, so off we went. My labour was pretty normal and after 15 hours our baby bear entered the world weighing 8 lbs. 7 oz. on April 19,2005.

We have decided that God new the things that were in store for us (of course he new, he knows everything) that is why he gave us Brycen. He knew we would need humor in ours lives and Brycen sure has provided this!!!!!

Some examples of the things we laugh at!!!! On Good Friday a few years ago we were to go to my parents house for dinner. Well we were dressed and ready to head out the door and baby bear decided that he should play in the paint. That's right the paint HE SPILLED A WHOLE GALLON OF PAINT on the floor and the leather sofa it was everywhere!!! Of course Daddy bear was not happy so he told baby bear to head for the bathroom what do you think happened?????

That's right little bear foot prints all the way down the hallway, I of course started yelling don't wash him yet I gotta get a picture no ones gonna believe this. We were soooooooo late!!!!

Another good example just happened a few weeks ago, baby bear is now 3 years old and totally potty trained. Well I'm in the living room folding laundry the two middle bears are out playing in the yard with baby bear, and the oldest bear is still sleeping ( she's a teen, that's pretty much all they do).When all of a sudden I hear baby bear yelling from the doorway the conversation went like this. These are his exact words!!!
Baby Bear: " Mom bring me toilet paper"
Me: "why"
Baby Bear: "I just crapped in the yard"
Me: "You what???" Thinking I had heard him wrong
Baby Bear: "I crapped in the yard"
Me: " YOu what???" still thinking I heard wrong
Baby Bear: I crapped in the yard just bring me toilet paper."
So I go over to see what is going on and there he is standing in front of the door with his pants around his ankles. He had pooped in the yard!!!!!
Apparnetly he is not only potty trained but house trained as well. I am so proud!!!!

Saturday, September 6, 2008


My lil bears have PH1, we have just found out (lil sister bear 8 weeks ago, and big brother bear 3weeks ago) Everytime we go to the doc it gets scarier. This week we went for an appointment with a new doc, and left with appointments for EKG's for both bears, it's pretty scary to think that this horriable diease could secertly be damaging all of my precious bears organs, in fact they would like both bears to have their eyes checked (we already had an appoinment), most people actually find out that something is wrong when the optomatrist says that there are crystals in their eyes. I am trying really hard not to worry, but it's really hard when you are told your little bears need EKG's, I thought that people have those when they have heart attacks. Life is pretty scary at our house at the moment, I wish I could go back to the days when we worried about paying the bills and the rent, not watching for signs of renal failure!!!!

Friday, September 5, 2008

spelling errors

I don't get it I did the spell check before I pulished my post and th errors are still all there? Why I even went back and did spell check after it was pulished and re published them and they are still there!!!! What am I doing wrong? Anyone? I'd sure like to know!!!

slurpee ediqute

Okay people, here's how it works (or should work) Whne you are going for a slurpee it is first come first serve, not push children out of the way so you can get your slurpee!!!!

Here's what happened to me a few weeks ago, I was taking my baby bears and my nephew bears "treasure hunting" (aka: Geocaching) with my brother and sister-in-law ( they have the GPS). BUt first we had to pay my drivers, make a new health card and go to the doctor for big sister bear's ear ache and the children did REALLY well after all, all this took all morning and they are 3,6,8,10 and 12, so I promised as soon as we were done we'd get slurpees. So we went to the closeset 7, once there the bears were pretty exicted so by the time I got inside with baby bear the older bears were all at the slurpee machinesAs I walked in I noticed a little girl maybe 2 and a half or 3 years old running around by the door with a slurpee cup, the mother was at the other end of the store at the drink coolers.

Well we wnet over to the slurpee machines where I was helping all the bears with lids and straws and such and trying to get the baby bear his slurpee, when all of a sudden the other mother appeared and pushed my lil' sister bear out of her way to get her daughter a slurpee first. Ahem HELLO we were there first, now I have no problem allowing someone to go ahead of me, as she would have been done quickly, but she actually pushed my little bear,who does that? It should be first come first sevre and please no pushing other peoples little bears all they want is slurpees, It'll only take a minute and they are outta there!!!!

Anyhjow the rest of the afternoon was so much fun we found 3 treausres, all the older bears each found one and got caught in the thunderstrom (it came up fast and rained really hard). We'd do it again though the bears loved iT!!!!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

one last comment on my angel baby

Okay I was thinking last night and I would like to do add one nore entry on my angel baby for now.

These are my only memories of my sweet baby.........
He was a mover whenever I leaned over something he kicked it or punched it,one time in the bath he pushed so hard on my belly I could see is foot, His daddy always wanted to feel him move and he always stopped before he could until one night I climbed into bed and Mackenzie was kicking so hard I told his Daddy to put his hand on my belly, as soon as he did Mcakenzie started punching.We laughed and my hubby asked what I had in there, I told him it was his kid!!! Four days before his birth his cousin was born and we wnet to see him in the hospital and I was holding his cousin and Mackenzie kicked him, his cousin didn't like it. And of course the night he died and his frantic movements I'll never forget that, or stop feeling guilty that I didn't do anything to help him. I'm so sorry my sweet baby, I didn't know :(

If I could do that night over I'd go to the hospital ASAP.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

the rest of Mackenzie's story

okay so we were on the way to the hospital.....

Once we arrived at the hospital around 7:00 pm we were put in a small labour room ( the ones where they just pull the curtins between the beds) anyhow we were told they would monitor baby for 20 minutes and only one person was allowed to stay with me so my husband stayed and my Mom went to the waiting room. Once all was settled the nurse took out the paddle for the monitor, plugged it in and put it on my belly, silence she looked at us and said that they had been having problems with this monitor so she'd be right back with different paddles. When she came back I saw something was wrong in her hurry she tried to plug in the paddles upside down, when they were finally right still silence, she put down the paddles and said let me try with the hand held dopler, still nothing. At that point she said she would call the doctor to do and ultrasound, I looked at her and said I want my mom and started to cry, she came back with my Mom, I don't remeber if I told her what was going on or if the nurse already had. I just remember my husband holding my hand and my mom crying with me. When the doc came in her hooked up the ultrasound, I could see a heartbeat of some sort on the screen and felt him put his hand on my wrist at that point I knew it was my heartbeat not the babies.

He turned and faced us all and said "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat." At that point we were rushed out of the room we were in. As I left I remeber hearing another babies heartbeat coming from one of the other rooms.

We were then taken to a room by ourselves, my nurse could not handle what was happening and she was soon replaced with another one, she was suach a dear sweet lady she would've brought me the moon had I asked.

I have no idea how everyone found out what was happening, but soon my Dad was there, and my brother in law ( whose baby had been born just 4 days earlier) his baby, his girlfriend,my best friend, and a bunch of family from the hubby's side were there. The one person I wish we had thought to call was my brother, he never got to hold his nephew, the only time he saw him was at the funreal home.

I was given the option I could either allow labour to happen or be induced to speed it up, I choose to be induced, the drugs were started at 10:00pm I laboured and finally asked for an epideral. The epideral was put it and we were borught a cot so everyone could sleep, still in our private room with a picture of a rose on the door so everyone was aware that the baby had passed.

I of course thought it was a mistake and the baby waould be fine. Anyhow I got my epideral at 2:40 am and the nurse came back at about 2:50 to say she was going on a break and inrtoduce the nurse that would be taking over for her. I then told her I was feeling alot ofpressure, so she quickly checked me and said that I was fuuly dilated, could she plaes go to the bathroom then she would be back and I could deliver, she really wanted to be there.

A few minutes later she came back with the doctor and they sent my brother in law to the waiting room, They told me there proablly wouldn't be a dry eye in the room once the baby was born (we still did not know if he was a boy or a girl)After I was all set up and ready to push my husband looked at me and said I can't do this. They sent him to the waiting room and allowed me to push. It did not take long and his head was born I remeber watching and as soon as the doctor turned his sweet face up at me I knew. I looked at my mom and said oh mom he's to blue. The doctor took the cord off from around his neck (Mom says it was wrapped tightly around his neck twice the doc had to cut it) and I delvered the rest of him. They took him and cleaned him and wrapped him. My Mom went to get the hubby, then they passed me my sweet baby, alot of what happened next is ablur, I did not have my baby for very long, I held him and batthed him and dressed him. I just remeber holding him. Looking at him. Kissing him. I remeber feeling him start to get cold and saying mom he's getting cold, I remeber his mouth fell open and we all held our breaths thinking maybe it's a mistake I even put my finger under his nose there was no breath. I remeber my mom telling the nurse to come take him, i put him up to my check just one more time. When I sit and think about it I can still feel his sweet face on my cheek.

The next time I saw him was at the funreal home I never held him again. I'd do just about anything to see his eyes ( I never got to see them), To tell him how much I love him (I don't know if I ever did) To hold him just one more time.

It's been ten years since my sweet angel was born and it still hurts like yesr=terday sometimes!!!!