new places

So we have been in our apartment for 1 month now. I think this move has really been for the better. I love my new job and it really has given me more one on one time with Brycen. Time I never had before. It has been interesting trying to keep him from being bored. We have come up with a few games to play. Our favorite is the dice adding game,e. I tell him which numbers to find and he finds them on the dice and then he adds them up and tells me the total. Not only does he not get bored he's learning too!

We also had a minor accident on Tuesday night, J'naya wanted to "help" me with dinner she wanted to drain the pasta for me. I asked her to wait for me< I'd do it for her. I proceeded to drain the pasta and the pot slipped I ended up with boiling water all down the front of me and J ended up with it all over her feet. Thanks to Tony's fast thinking and our fast un dressing no one was seriously hurt. Although I have a slight burn on my belly.

The other thing that happened was the day Brycen got "caught" ( he was playing in it actually) in the elevator and it went down. Now he knew I was on the second floor and I could hear him screaming no2....2.....2 from inside the elevator it was heart breaking because I could not stop him and make him come back. I stood there waiting for him to come back. He was fine until the door and saw me and he started to cry. we then had a talk about what to do if this happens again, and where to meet so we both know where to go. Some of the floors he can't reach the buttons. It's heart breaking to hear him screaming and not be able to help him.

Other then that it's same ole same ole around here. My biggest beef is that McDonald's still has not paid out my holiday pay and I don't know who to talk to about it!!! Hopefully I can figure this out soon!!!

hurts

A few years ago, I fell from a ladder and REALLY hurt my back, in fact I think I spent upwards of $400.00 dollars to get it ``fixed`` this week, I turned wrong and felt the pain immediately. I hurt so much there have actually been times when I have cried. However I can`t not work, so off I go. I find as long as I keep moving it hurts but I can keep going. Sitting on the other hand HURTS!!! Sleeping, hurts, standing hurts. it all hurts. I hope it lightens soon. Tylenol and rob ax are my best friends!!

The kids went to see Dr.Dart last week it seems so far all is still good, there is some question about them getting enough water into their bodies. J`naya had a HUGE panic attack when she had to give blood. me being the person I am and having a no nonsense attitude picked her up and took her into the room so she could have blood drawn. I already know she`ll panic so I don`t tell her about the appointment in advance rather I `surprise`her the day of. ( if I were to tell he earlier she would not sleep) she did not want to go first however I knew it would be worse for her to wait till Tony was done so in we went. I always have to hold her done (though she`s getting much stronger) and we drew blood then she was fine!!! Tony went next and did well ( he always does) we just have to do a 24 hour urine to make sure they don`t need an increase in their meds.

The funny thing this week is Brycen`s sudden dislike of broccoli..........however he LOVES broccoli salad now no one tell him how much broccoli is in broccoli salad :-)

I wonder..................

if I had listened how would things be now??

If I had listened to my Mother, where would I be now??
Would I be a nurse that I always longed to be??
(though now I'd LOVE to be a midwife)

If my son hadn't died who would he be??

If my son hadn't died who would I be??

Would I really be a Mother to 5??

would I have been happier??

If I had taken the sleeping pills I was offered when he was born would it have been better for me?? For my family??

It's amazing that things change so much, so quickly. I definitely am NOT the same person I was when I was 17. A perfect example is that I would NEVER allow myself (or my children) to be treated the way I was when I got preggers. I would stand up for myself now!!
When Mackenzie died, I would be more involved in what happened ( I did nothing for his funeral Jeff and my parents did it all and they did a wonderful job I just wish I had been able to add my 2 cents) I would keep him with me longer 6 hours to fill a lifetime of time just is not enough. I would call my brother and sister to the hospital so that they could meet my son, I don't remember if my Dad ever held him but he was there (in fact when Jeff and my Mom left my dad stayed and sat at the foot of my bed until I feel asleep.

Most of all I would have listened to everyone (my husband, my friends, my family and my doctors) when they told me I had a problem and needed help. I would have taken the drugs I was offered and I would have enjoyed my life instead of allowing myself to continue to sink into this deep depression and hurting everyone around me!!!

HUGE changes

Well since the last time I allowed my depression take over my heart so tightly that I almost lost my life, I have decided that it is time to make some changes to make life better for my family. Here's what has happened since that day. I went to see the phychatrist and she gave me some options to make things better one of the BIG things was the lack of sleep and she suggested that I put Brycen in an afternoon class so I could sleep better!!! I went one better I quit my job ( funny when I wrote that I automatically wrote quilt :-) ), yup no more over nights at McDonald's. Though I really did love my job and the people I worked with!!! However here's what happened. Jeff has been bugging me to move into an apartment for a few months now I kept rejecting the idea saying"but my dog, I don't wanna give up my dog." So after this appointment Jeff again said maybe we should move into something cheaper. I told him to let me think about it and we'd talk again in the am. After he went to work I called to see if there were apartments available in the buildings down the street. While I was asleep on Monday, Jeff not only got us an apartment he also pretty much got me a new job!!

That's right I am on the caretaker in the building it all happened so fast into weeks I quit my job, learned to sleep at night again, gave up my dog and moved!!! It's been crazy, I really didn't want to give up Gracie but I know that this is better for my family. We put up an add on kijiji and got a message from a small dog rescue and after emailing back and forth we decided this was the best option for Miss. Gracie they will screen her new "parents" she will be seen by a vet and be spayed before she's put up for adoption. I didn't want her to go just anywhere and I really didn't want her to go somewhere where they would bread her over and over again to make some money ( she's a purebred miniature daschound) so if we have to give her up and no one in the family wanted another dog then this was the best option. It was hard to let her go but we did it and I know that they will find her a good home. I have been in touch with her foster Mom a few times and it seems Gracie is doing well. I really miss her but I know I have to do what I have to do to make me better.

I start my new job in the morning, I know it will be ALOT of work but it can't be more work then it was at Mc Donald's. I'm really looking forward to it. I will be receiving free rent ( with water and hydro included water and hydro in the house were costing about $750.00 every three months) Free under ground parking and $40.00 for laundry (I have already done $30.00 worth of laundry but then alot of that was from the move) and I will get a pay check every two weeks. This was just to good a deal to pass up. The apartment also has a heated indoor pool which we have already visited 3 times since moving in last Saturday!!! needless to say we won't be living in a house where the basement more or less flooded EVERY TIME it rained, it would just have started to dry out and it would rain again. We also won't have to deal with the washing machine leaking for 7 months with no one ever doing anything about it, ( in fact it was so bad that when you were doing laundry you had to wear shoes down stairs or walk around in the water) or the landlord knocking on the door at 6:30 am or 10:30 pm to collect rent. Everybody is breathing easier ( in Tony's case he really is breathing better for the last few weeks I would make him plug in the vaporizer at night so he could sleep cause he was coughing so badly. The last week he hasn't used it once. J'naya's big concern was that we didn't have a table and chairs to eat dinner at ( our table is WAY to big for an apartment) well we got her a table and chairs it's just a cheap set from walmart but she is thrilled!!! I guess it feels more like home with somewhere to sit to have dinner!

Here's hoping things continue to get better and life gets easier.

don't throw stones if...............

You live in a glass house!

So yet again it's all my fault after 17 years of friendship, it's over. Some how it's my fault, which I'm so confused about all I know is that this "friend's" husband made some nasty comments to me and I defended myself and then this "friend" lied to me about it. When confronted about the lie it all blew up and no we are no longer friends it seems.

I guess my point about this post is that I will not allow people to continue to drag me down. I need to fix me and fix my relationship with my daughter and that is what I need to focus on. I can't keep worrying about what others think. I have to do whats right.

I fully agree with her though on the subject of Ashton, she is the most beautiful, kind and intelligent girl I know. That doesn't mean that she can be allowed to talk to me the way she has been, I will not allow her to disrespect me and that is something we are working on. I love my daughter and will fight for her just as I always have. No matter who thinks they know better.

Maybe instead of interfering in things that really aren't our problems us as people should worry about the things going on in our own lives and face the reality's in our own lives!!

updates

It has been a while since I posted because I really didn't know what to say, Well I think things are taking a turn for the better at least for now. Ashton has been coming over a few days a week after school. It has been going okay we have pretty much called a truce and are trying to get things back on track. Hopefully this keeps up. However a few weeks ago things weren't so great and I had to put my foot down, this in turn didn't go over well with her and in turn with some people who I'm still trying to figure out how this became their problem. Long story short I was verbally attacked by a good friends husband then I was lied to by the good friend I was told she didn't know what was being said in the email to me. Turns out she did know what was being said, and she still allowed it to happen. Needless to say I am VERY hurt by the whole thing. I spent the rest of that week dwelling on what was said and what I was called. I care ALOT about what people think about me. I have to work on this.

I also figure I need help so i am now seeing a counselor and a phychatrist, I have double my anti depressants and am taking a sleeping pill. Hopefully with all these things working together I will be able to get things back on track. I want my life back, I want to be happy again. Most of all I want to be here to see my kids grow up and grow old with my husband!!

done

I'm done I can't do this any longer, I don't know whats happening I can't handle this I'm done and I'm sorry. So sorry.

why can't we all be like dogs???

Really..........we have a dog she's a miniature dapple Dachshund and her name is Gracie a.k.a lovie, her family was giving her up for reasons unknown to me so we had her since March. She was 11 months old when we got her, I'm so GLAD that her family gave her up and chose us as her new family. Now she had some REALLY bad habits when she came the biggest one was her constant barking, but she has really improved.

I love this dog, and it seems she loves me just as much. Everywhere I go there goes my Gracie and it's funny cause she wants to go first, and doesn't always know where to go. If I get up and leave the room you can bet she'll follow me unless someone is holding her and won't let go. She also loves Ashton and J'naya, I think it's cause we're girls and don't rough house as much as the boys do. Since I work overnights and sleep durning the day if she can find me you bet she'll be in bed with me ( same with the cat, the dog sleeps by my legs and the cat sleeps on me)

She's a gentle dag and takes alot of abuse, when we go to my parents place she loves running with my dad's dog Buddy ( he's a beagle) they run so much that Gracie sleeps for hours when she gets home. Like I said she a gentle dog but I think if she felt that we were in trouble I have no doubt she'd put her life on the line. A perfect example is one day when we went out for a walk with her J'naya was carrying the dog ( cause Gracie doesn't have 4 legs to J's 2) and a man got to close to J and Gracie lunged at him. Kinda saying that's my kid get away.

The biggest problems with Gracie are that she still doesn't walk very well and wants to bark at everyone (we're working on that though), ashe doesn't always let us know that she needs to go outside (though she usually messes in the bathroom) and she shreds EVERYTHING I mean EVERYTHING she can get her paws her favor tie thing is full rolls of toilet paper(you can imagine the mess) Over all she's a wonderful dag and we are so glad she's a part of our family!!!

teen Mom

As a teen Mom I have always not wanted to be your typical teen Mom meaning I have always tried to do things for myself, I lived on my own, I worked, and thankfully I was lucky my Mom was a HUGE help in fact she was my babysitter. I have however given up ALOT. When other people were going to the bar and drinking I was home with my daughter. While other people were parting I was home with my daughter. I wouldn't do it any other way. I love my kids and would do anything for them. However I'm feeling betrayed right now really betrayed.

You see when we were teens we ALWAYS went camping on may long weekend I usually organized it, the year I was expecting i was not invited, in fact it was kept a HUGE secret so that I wouldn't come. That is until I found out by accident and got a last minute invite. Ashton's Dad went I did not. In fact I was friends with all "those" people long before Ashton's Dad was. When I got pregnant most of them turned their backs on me........however most of them are still his friends. Family members are the same way, they won't talk to me but they talk to him. It wasn't just me that had a baby it was both of us.

Now the betrayal has gotten worse, she moved in with him. For 14 years every second weekend she went to his house for the weekend. Since she moved in with him she hasn't spent the weekend with me. Apparently the problem is that I don't spend my time with only her. Huh where am I supposed to leave the other kids??? When I do spend time only with her, she spends her time talking to "his" friends and I sit alone among strangers. But wait it gets worse.

He wants to know if he's listed as her dad on her birth certificate.........ummmmm yup your her Dad.

He wants custody..................... I have other kids......................ummmmm it doesn't hurt less because I have other kids...............I have lost another child...................I am now a baby loss momma and a teen loss momma.....................I don't know what hurts more........................I'm so sad and so alone.........................


I want my babies back............I love them and this isn't fair!!!!!

cancer

Our son Brycen has Petechiae
(Petechiae, also called petechial hemorrhage or rash, are small red spots on the skin caused by broken capillary blood vessels. The blood collects under the tissue and appears as tiny dots (usually the size of a pinpoint).

They can come from coughing, vomiting or minor trauma. They may also develop due to thrombocytopenia (low platelet count) which is the reason someone with leukemia may have them. Some medical treatments, such as radiation and chemotherapy, also cause petechial hemorrhage. )

on his right arm, his left leg, and his right ankle. He was taken in to the hospital. Here's what happened. Friday he showed me his arm and asked me if he had bug bites on his arm. I looked at his arm and yup misquote bites all over his arm. Yesterday in the car I hear him talking to Tony about the bug bites on his arm to which Tony replies man those are not bug bites. At this point I look at his arm and see the Petechiae now we are talking like 30 tiny blood spots not 1 or 2. I start to panic you see a friend found out her son had leukemia after finding Petechiae on her son. I tell Jeff we won't worry about it and take him to his doctor on Monday morning. After a while I text a friend and she suggests calling health links. I'M SCARED!!!! VERY SCARED!!! Every time we have been on the wrong side of the odds it has turned out bad. We sat there for 4 hours sure that he was gonna have cancer. He was tested for leukemia. Thankfully it came back normal. Now we have now idea what is causing the Petechiae, and it means his platelets aren't working normally. Normally when a person's small blood vessels burst ( this is what happened to Brycen) the platelets rush to the area and stop the bleeding. This didn't happen for Brycen. I forgot to ask how long before the spots clear up I was just so relieved that he does not have cancer.

Makes me wonder is this because I was rearended last week?? I didn't even think of that when I was with the Doctor.

Finally God said yes and allowed my child to be okay!!!

an owl in the house

It's been a while since I posted mostly because things with Ashton seemed to be getting worse instead of better. I didn't want to post all the things going wrong so I just didn't post. Anyhow things seem to have taken a turn for the better here's hoping anyway.

In the past few weeks we have done a few things of interest we spent the day at fun mountain water sliding it was TONS of fun. Sadly Ashton did not join us. We went camping with my family, My parents, my sister Kathleen and her hubby Jake, My brother Alfred and his wife Heather and their little guy Owen and of course my family the whole family. Ashton joined us and even though it rained and rained and rained we had fun. My Dad brought a MONSTER trap and the boys ( Jeff, Alfred and Jake) were instructed to string it up. It was a weekend saver. Owen ate everything he could that little guy sure can pack it away!!!

I haven't as of yet announced my most exciting news I'm gonna be an Auntie again. My sister is now 17 weeks pregnant so a new little one will be joining our family sometime in late January ( I personally think it will be sooner so we'll see) I also think it will be a girl!!

this morning we were awoken by a noise form the back entrance way which is across the hall from our bedroom, by the cat chasing an owl. Yup I said owl. here's what happened. through out the night we could hear noises in the house we both thought the cat was getting herself into trouble. Finally at 6 we went to check it out imagine our surprise to find an owl sitting on the dresser in the entrance. We look at each other and Jeff says what will we do now?? i say to him easy we'll get a blanket and throw blanket over it and take it back outside. Oh and by we I mean you. So in goes Jeff he throws the sheet and the owl moves. He comes back to the door now the owl is sitting on top of J'naya's bed it is standing in there up right (she moved into Ashton's room and is using Ashton's bed) so he throws the sheet again an again misses this time the owl flies at him nd he screams at me and ducks. I'm standing on the other side of the closed door. Finally he comes back out of the room and says, I'm gonna open the door and hopefully get it to fly out. This worked the owl landed on the floor he was able to throw the sheet over the bird and drag it outside when he lifted the sheet it flew away. Sadly I didn't take a picture. However Jeff and I work really well together. Especially when we means he ;-)

randomness

Well I feel like my world is slowly falling apart, it has not been a good few weeks. I have discovered a few things, one I comfort eat, Yup lots of ice cream. What can I say at least I don't comfort drink. The comfort eating stops today. I can't keep this up. I feel sad all the time so much so that I have increased my anti depressants. However none of this has really helped my Daughter still won't talk/text/see me and she's still not home. I have been called a b**** by all of my in laws and I didn't do this. Why is it that the person or people responsible for this mess are being comforted and I am being punished? Really I feel like locking myself in the house and NEVER coming out again.

Again I have a family to protect and will do EVERYTHING in my power to do so. DO i regret what I did. Nope I'd do it again. If you choose to be involved in illegal activities then stand up and take the punishment. In fact I don't care who it is if it had been one of my siblings and not an in law I would have done the same thing. This is my daughters life and NOTHING is more important.

So because of everything happening over here, I have been thinking ALOT about pay it forward. You see there are always consciences to our actions be it good or bad. So as I slowly try to put my life back together I wonder what kinds of things have to done to pay it forward? They can be big things or small things but I wonder where are the good things people are doing???

These next few weeks I'm gonna make a bigger effort to pay it forward.

So besides all the drama there have been some other life things going on. Recently the left side of Brycen's face randomly swells. Well it all started one afternoon when he would randomly start yelling my tooth hurts it really really hurts. Now he wasn't feeling well, he was sleepy and running a fever so I figured he was coming down with something, we gave him Tylenol and let him nap all day and even orejeled his mouth to keep him happy. The next day he went to Grandma and Grandpa's for a sleep over and my Mom commented that his face was swollen. I really didn't think much of it after all he is a boy in every sense of the word. Then it would randomly swell and 2 weeks ago he suddenly came to me and told me he had something on his gums. We took him in to see the dentist and the tooth has to be pulled he has an impacted tooth so this weds. he will have it pulled or at least they will try without having to put him to sleep. I hope it works and doesn't hurt to much.

it's pouring again....

I sit here in the dark in a house where everyone is sleeping.....everyone expect me that is. I am now not only missing one child but two. Every day that we are apart my heart breaks a little more. This time I am not separated by death but by space. My oldest beautiful daughter has moved across town in with her Dad. This was a decision made by all her parents (myself, Jeff and her Daddy) all in an effort to keep her safe. You see we found out about somethings that have been happening right under our noses and they are bad. So to keep her safe we made the decision that she should live with her Dad. Now I slowly die as she lives somewhere else. How do I keep it together? I count the days till I see her. Miss her so much.

To top it off I have people who have decided to involve themselves in my life and her life that really have no business being there. Then lie about what they did all in an effort to make me look bad. Not only that but the people who should be helping keep my kids safe have decided to do what they want and put my children in danger. This means that these people can no longer be around my babies I will not let you hurt them. I feel so alone, I have no friends to talk to, I have reached out to few with no response and I hurt so much. I don't know how to get through this.

Even as I slowing hurt to death knowing my baby is sleep across town and I don't know when I'll see her again I know this is the best for her. I will do ANYTHING to keep her safe.

Ashton if you read this I love you so much Know that this is for you not anyone else. I wanted you before you where born, I wanted you when you threw up all over me as an infant. I wanted you when you were a naughty toddler. I wanted yo when you didn't come home on the bus and sent us into a panic in grade school. I wanted you when you told me you hated me as a preteen. And I want you now NOTHING can ever make me hate you I just want you to be safe.

what a week

What a week, first I walk out on the job. ( I have since gone back) I'm not really sure how long this will last!! Ashton has been VERY sick. We had a visit from child and family services. I apparently can't do anything right. I asked my Mom if I'm really that bad of a Mom her response I don't know. I feel like giving up, I feel sad. Why is this happening over and over again. For the record, I love my kids, I would do anything for them, I just want everyone to leave us alone and stop picking on me.

I'm just so sad !!

she's feeling better

It's been a touch crazy around here, I have 48 umbrella blocks due on a swap and I broke my sewing machine that's right folks broke it. Now it needs to go to the doc to be fixed, so I have to go over to my Mom's to use hers it has been a HUGE challenge, when I'm home I'm sleeping or the hubby is working and he has the car making the 15 minute trip to my Mothers impossible!!

On my Sunday night shift I walked off my job at 1 am, I just can't handle feeling like I'm being bullied by my manager and I'm a little tired of watching her bully everyone else too!!! I'm still not 100 percent sure what to do about this, I guess time will tell. I do know that I won't do this much longer!!

Lastly all the kids have been sick except J'naya. Tony spent all afternoon on Friday lying on the sofa and throwing up. Brycen spent Friday afternoon crying, not just a little cry but full force crying nothing I did made it better. He kept saying his tooth hurt, so I checked his tooth to see if I could see a cavities, nothing everything looked fine, so I took him to the bathroom and brushed his teeth it didn't help. So I spent the afternoon sitting next to him and rubbing his back, and trying ti get his fever under control. The next day he had a hard spot on his cheek and his cheek was swollen, but not his gums or anything on the tooth he said hurt.


Finally since Sunday Ashton has been sick, nausea, headache and fever she has been MISERABLE. However because she's not feeling well it has been quiet. Last night we did a quick trip to the E.R and then decided once we got there that it would take to long so we went home. Today I phoned and made an appointment with the doctor. She says she doesn't need to go, in fact got upset, well she's going!!!

the over due post!!

I just realized that it has been almost 2 weeks since my last post and what a two weeks it's been. For those of you who know me you know that trouble seems to follow us!!!! :-) Anyhow these last few weeks have been no different, it all started when I wasn't feeling well, everyone knows that Moms CANNOT stop to get better, the laundry waits for no one!! (hehehe, and there are no laundry elves contrary to what the family may think) Anyhow I spent a whole day lying around and only doing what was ABOUSTLY necessary, so then of course once I felt better I had ALOT to do.

Then last week lil sister bear had an upset tummy, there were a few times that myself and Daddy bear saw horrible things about to happen and yelled run!!! The messes were all avoided and she is now feeling much better!!! She has since told her Grandma bear that she wasn't sick she just missed me and didn't want me to work ( the Mommy guilt set in big time then, but the reality is that I HAVE to work or we don't eat it's as simple as that!!) I'm hoping she'll get used to it soon, and next week they are all off so she'll be loving that!!

This week it has been VERY cold here in Manitoba, Saturday we got home late, plugged in the truck (ford f-250 diesel) or so we thought, turns out the extension cord was broken so the truck was not getting any power. Needless to say once a diesel is that frozen they just don't go!!!! So Sunday morning I was to light the advent candle at church, Daddy bear went to start the truck (the van does not heat) and nothing, So I did not make it, but I had to work that night so we worked on getting the van going, and finally were able to!! Then the hubby turned his attention to the truck, he ended up going and getting new extension cords, and an Oil pan heater (was to be his Christmas gift) anyhow it all didn't work, so last night a dear fellow from our Church came over and towed out the truck, put it on a trailer and took it home to his heated shop overnight and this morning the old girl fired up again!!!

Oh and did I mention that on Monday morning not only was it -42, and the truck wouldn't go but we woke to frozen water as well, now since we live in a trailer this happens quite often (usually just when it's REALLY cold) so Hubby's a pro at thawing them and has it down to a science so it usually doesn't take long, but does require him to be out doors to watch so that things don't catch fire (we use a halogen work lamp). Needless to say we now have water again, the truck is going, the van is also going (but still not heating) and the children have gone back to school ( they stayed home Monday and Tuesday because of the cold they have a VERY long bus ride (about 1.5 hours) and I just don't feel comfortable putting them on the bus when it's that cold, our school only closes at -45, Monday it was -42, and Tuesday -40) so all is right in the world yet again.

One last thought our baby bear learned a very hard lesson this am he climbed onto the counter yet again (which he has been doing for many years now, he learned to climb before he learned to crawl), but today he knocked down the sewing machine which in turn feel on his head, yup you heard right hit him in the back of the head, he won't don't that again, at least for today I think..........

Ramblings of a sleep deprived momma bear

I am dying to share my news but I just cannot yet!!!! I will say however that there are gonna be some brand new babies in my life in the near future, at least 5 so far (no one of them will NOT be mine!!!!!!), but I will not say who's they will be I'm just thrilled and cannot wait for these babies and to all the to be Moms and Dads I will babysit!!!! Call me!!!!

With that said I'm gonna rant about what I came on here to rant about, Sleep!!!! That's right sleep or should I say the lack of sleep, ever since the recent trip to the E.R. (6 weeks ago) baby bear is still not sleeping in his own bed, last night I slept in between my baby bear and my hubby bear, needless to say not much sleep happened, hubby bear snores and moves alot, and baby bear does not sleep unless he is touching me, I just do not know how to get him to sleep in his own bed, we have brought him back upwards of 6 times in a night and he just keeps coming back after a 1/2 hour or so. He was REALLY scared at this last E.R. trip and I know that he feels the need to know that we are close but seriously, I need my sleep feeling a bit like a zombie today, yesterday I lay down with baby bear around 10:30am for an hour so we could go to baby bears friends house for a play date in the afternoon and woke up at 2 pm, we slept for 2.5 hours, we didn't make it to the play date as I had to work. Tuesday I called my mom and ended up in tears, because the hot water wasn't working needles to say she saved me and had me bring her the kids then I had a LONG hot bath at her house. ( I love my MOM)

One more shift and I will be off for 2 days, then I will get this house clean, I will sleep, and I will do something with the family like a family dinner. Hopefully one day soon baby bear sleeps in his own bed, and if he doesn't he'll move out one day right??? I guess I'll sleep then, and just to clarify I AM NOT COMPLAINING< having my baby bears is a blessing, I know only to well that they are only borrowed to me and God in his infinite wisdom can call them home to be with him whenever he feels the time is right, so I will enjoy the sleepless nights as much as I can, and know that this to is only for a season, and try to remember that one day I WILL miss having my baby bear in my bed. Maybe by then I will have some grand baby bears who will ALWAYS be welcome in my home and my bed!!!! :-)

dead baby jokes not so funny!!!!

I am so digusted by the discovery that some people think that my baby dying is funny. My son dying is the single most horriable thing that has EVER happened to me in my life!!! IT IS NOT FUNNY!!!

There are several facebook groups that are totally devoted to dead baby jokes, I'm asking everyone with a facebook account to report these groups, so that we can get rid of these groups.


There are alot of things that have happened in my life that were not funny when they happened but I can laugh about now, but my baby dying will never be funny!!!

5 kids

Today is a no school day!!
Today I have 5 kids all day!!
Today I work till 12 am!!!
Tomorrow I may not have hair!!!

laundry

It's been a while since I posted here, I have been busy with laundry!! Seriously I had some much this week it was crazy, Sunday night when big sister bear came home from yet another visit at her Dad's. She discovered that the cats had peed on her bed, now that would not be a HUGE deal in a normal bed but big sister bear has LOTSand LOTS of pillows and blankets. So monday I spent the whole day just washing her things!! Then on tuesday I washed all the clothes that were found under big brother bears bed. There were so many no wonder he is forever complaining that he has no clean clothes he has been putting them under the bed instead of in the hamper where they belong.Weds. was the regular laundry (I normally do laundry on monday and friday), then thursday I decided to do the sheets,balnkets and pillow cases so that they could line dry one more time before the *s*n*o*w* I love the way the bed smells after the sheets dry on the line!!!!

Then last night big sister bear had another melt down, she was mad because I promised the middle bears I would bring home some cash for them to order T.C.B.Y's at school as they don't always get them( you see money is a luxary around here) so anyhow I went to the bank machine on weds. to make sure i had the $12.00 needed for them to each get 3 T.C.B.Y's durning the month. When she came home from school she saw the cash and infromed me that she needed to have $5.00 for the Terry Fox run. Now I don't have a problem with that. She should have told me sooner, here's why I didn't know. Her "other" Dad has decided that now that she's almost 13 (and I did the sleepless nights, the dirty diapers, the potty training, the parents teacher meetings, the nights of not knowing what was wrong while she cried) he should have a "chance" to be a Dad (his words not mine) so he signed the permission slip but did not read it and did not provide the funds required ( I wonder what will happen when she needs $430.00 for her band trip, he probally will not want to be a Dad that week) so I did not know about it so she deicded rather then me fufilling the promise to the middle bears I should give her the money, and a melt insuied, after which she called the said Dad and bashed the Mom for over and hour!!!!! I am not that bad I had Ashton at 17 and not once has someone else had to pay my rent or buy her food thats right folks I went to school I worked my but off School started at 8:30and was done at 3:00 and work started at 4:30 and did not end till 2:00am and then I went back to the baby who did not sleep!!!! Where was the hero Dad then? at home sleeping and out with friends!!!! I better stop or I'll say things I don't mean I just wish they would both stop and think of how this effects me!!! I love big sister bear and am not about to sit back and let him suddenly take over and move her in with him!!! She is mine!! If he wants a chance to be a full time Dad then he needs to get married and have some more babies I'm not about to give up mine !!!!!!!