Saturday, November 29, 2008

heart breaking news

My heart goes out the Ter of her dear husband has been battling cancer for the last few months, then suddenly he's gone. I'm hopping all who read this will keep Ter in their prayers as she faces life without her Bear. Ter my thoughts and prayers are with you!!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


Schnitzel was our wiener dog, Lil sister bear is an animal lover, she has always wanted a puppy. Daddy bear promised her a puppy, so after saving for a while it was decided that we would get a puppy. We picked a miniature dachshund as our new puppy, he was 4 months old and was a dapple (simply meaning he was tri-colored).

Schnitzel was with us for just a few weeks when we found out about the PH1 in little sister bear because I was convinced that she was dying I was so glad she got her puppy. After being with us for just 6 months he ran into the side of a van and died. It has just been recently that I have really missed the little guy, we did get a new puppy, but she is really large (a golden lab cross) and so she is outside, though we love her she's just to big to be in our little house, maybe it's time to start saving again and get a new small puppy???

That's the thought for today, we'll see what happens!!

Friday, November 21, 2008

today is a feel like crying day!!!

Today is a "I feel like crying" day, and I'm not sure why. I think it maybe because of a conversation I had yesterday. Anyhow it brought up a bunch of feelings I thought where gone. So today I feel like crying!!!

It's over whelming at times to realize that my lil sister bear and big brother bear may one day need new livers and possibly liver and kidneys. Which hopefully will never need to be, as they are being monitored so that their kidney's would be "safe" and if a transplant would ever need to be done it would be a liver, and not both. It's scary and though I try really hard not to think about/ worry about it at times I can't help it.

Not only that but I have a HUGE family 26 aunts and uncles (my Dad has 15 living brothers and sister and my Mom has 11) and they all but 1 are married and I have LOTS of cousins (178 at last count but theres probably more now) so you would think that I would have LOTS of support not really I'm willing to bet that most of them DO NOT know my children's names and most do not know what is going on with the children. It really makes me sad I wish we were all closer, oh how I wish.

Last summer my parents had a MAJOR car accident and we almost lost them both, most of the family did not come see them, much less help when it was needed, I just realized last night how truly hard that time was, I was the only child that is home all day so alot of their "care" fell on me. Now don't get me wrong I AM NOT COMPLAINING, and if found in the same spot again would GLADLY do it again. I think that having all that to do made my "busy" so that I didn't have to think about what was happening, then last night as we chatted I got chocked up and realized how hard it was. My parents are still here and I am so thankful for that and as I said I would GLADLY do it again!!! I think I just need a good cry.

I am also missing my angel baby today, maybe I can make a trip to the cemetery to see him today!!! Funny how 10 years have gone by and sometimes it still hurts like it did the day we found out he was gone, I know he's safe but I still wish he was here!!! What I wouldn't give to just see him one more time, to just be able to tell him how much I miss and love him!!! I love you Mackenzie Wade I hope you know that!!!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Be still and know...

Be still and know that I AM GOD.......
This is my favorite verse......
In fact it is painted on my wall in the kitchen as a reminder......
Even with this reminder I often forget.....
Oh how I wish I could ALWAYS remember.....

Here is why this is a favorite, a few years ago (actually 5 years ago) our big brother bear had kidney stones (he was 3 at the time) and the were growing at an alarming rate so it was decided that he should under go the ultrasonic laser treatment to break up the stones so that he could pass them. We of cor use then had to strain his pees to make sure we got it all and so it could be sent to be tested to see what kind it was. 1 week after the "breaking" we had to bring our little boy back for an ultrasound, then for and x-ray, then back to the doc again for the "results" (it was a VERY LONG day spent at children's with a three year old and a 1 year old).Anyhow it was then decided that the stone had indeed broken but now all the pieces were lodged in the utterer and not allowing his left kidney to drain, We were schedule for a return to the O.R. for in 4 days time, where big brother bear would again be put under and the procedure repeated to see if we could move the pieces. I prayed as hard as I ever had before (as did our church) Though we knew the was no allegery to the antisetic (my fear the first time) This time he knew what was to be done and hes was not happy about it. The morning of the procedure I was a wreck, because he was a wreck. As lil sister bear was just a year she was to go to Grandma and Grandpa bears house, once there we brought everyone in and I realized I forgot the diaper bag in the van I simply stepped out the door and took the 5 or so steps to the van and the song Still still and know (sung by Mercy Me) popped into my head, I brushed it off, In the house my Mom kept telling me to stop worrying so hard when it's your baby. Once on the highway (about2 minutes from my parents) guess what they started playing that's right Be still and know by Mercy Me!!! I suddenly felt strangely calm, and told my hubby bear that we would not be having anything done. At the hospital we were sent for a follow up x-ray to see if the stone was still there, we then took the x-ray to day surgery with us. Once in the elevator I took the x-ray out and held it up. THERE WERE NO STONES, I was so excited (keep in mind I had at this point seen 7 x-rays and knew what to look for) We did not have the second procedure, instead we called Grandma and Grandpa bear with the good news ( Grandma bear is also a worrier) then went for breakfast. So you see twice that day God told me clear as day to trust if only I could listen even when we are told why is it so hard????

Anyhow the whole reason for this post is that I can now tell the world that I will soon be an Auntie bear, that's right you didn't read this wrong My brother and his beautiful wife are gonna make me an Auntie Bear( okay so I have a 10 year old nephew already, on my husband's side but he was born 6 days before my angel baby bear so as you can imagine it was hard to be happy about it when all I wanted was my baby Angel bear back) it took along time and lots of help to get this far but my niece/nephew is now 14.5 weeks along, and I'm thrilled!!!!!! ( already bought some stuff and have a quilt top and growth chart ready I just gotta quilt it maybe this week you think I'm getting ahead of myself???) I can't help it I"M SOOOOO EXCITED!!!!

Friday, November 14, 2008

I think God is a quilter

I Think God is a Quilter

I think God is a quilter, Who takes His needle and thread To piece our world from nothingness, And give it form instead.

I think God is a quilter, And everything I see Are pieces from His careful hand, From tree to bumblebee.

I think we see God’s stitches. His texture everywhere; The velvet moss, the grainy sand, the silky strands of hair.

I think God is a quilter; Stitching tight and tiny rows, Adding to my scraps and pieces, Seaming everything He knows.

I think He cuts the patterns from what I throw away. He shows me how to use each scrap In His redeeming way.

I think God quilts a pattern from everything I live; But He can only stitch the quilt from what I choose to give.

I think God is a quilter, stitching strength where I am weak. Showing me that life He touches, embraces everything I seek.

I think God is a quilter, from the patience in each thread; Proving length of time no barrier; Treating time a gift instead.

I think quilts are lessons God uses uses to teach That our pieces and our remnants have kaleidoscopic reach.

So, in the life I’m living, with pieces everywhere I’ll give them to the Quilter, to stitch with loving care.

I’ll give them to the Quilter, unwanted though they be And with His work of quilting, He’ll make a quilt of me.

***Got thios from the face book group quilter friends***

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Ramblings of a sleep deprived momma bear

I am dying to share my news but I just cannot yet!!!! I will say however that there are gonna be some brand new babies in my life in the near future, at least 5 so far (no one of them will NOT be mine!!!!!!), but I will not say who's they will be I'm just thrilled and cannot wait for these babies and to all the to be Moms and Dads I will babysit!!!! Call me!!!!

With that said I'm gonna rant about what I came on here to rant about, Sleep!!!! That's right sleep or should I say the lack of sleep, ever since the recent trip to the E.R. (6 weeks ago) baby bear is still not sleeping in his own bed, last night I slept in between my baby bear and my hubby bear, needless to say not much sleep happened, hubby bear snores and moves alot, and baby bear does not sleep unless he is touching me, I just do not know how to get him to sleep in his own bed, we have brought him back upwards of 6 times in a night and he just keeps coming back after a 1/2 hour or so. He was REALLY scared at this last E.R. trip and I know that he feels the need to know that we are close but seriously, I need my sleep feeling a bit like a zombie today, yesterday I lay down with baby bear around 10:30am for an hour so we could go to baby bears friends house for a play date in the afternoon and woke up at 2 pm, we slept for 2.5 hours, we didn't make it to the play date as I had to work. Tuesday I called my mom and ended up in tears, because the hot water wasn't working needles to say she saved me and had me bring her the kids then I had a LONG hot bath at her house. ( I love my MOM)

One more shift and I will be off for 2 days, then I will get this house clean, I will sleep, and I will do something with the family like a family dinner. Hopefully one day soon baby bear sleeps in his own bed, and if he doesn't he'll move out one day right??? I guess I'll sleep then, and just to clarify I AM NOT COMPLAINING< having my baby bears is a blessing, I know only to well that they are only borrowed to me and God in his infinite wisdom can call them home to be with him whenever he feels the time is right, so I will enjoy the sleepless nights as much as I can, and know that this to is only for a season, and try to remember that one day I WILL miss having my baby bear in my bed. Maybe by then I will have some grand baby bears who will ALWAYS be welcome in my home and my bed!!!! :-)

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

my rant for today

I have now been working for 5 weeks, and am now also supervising the evening/close shift, so I've had to learn alot in a few short weeks. The hardest part is the fact that the family has had to adjust to our new normal and some of us are not adjusting well!!!

I work 5pm to 12am, my day starts around 6:30am so by the time I get home and unwound and to bed it is usually VERY late (3:00am) The next day I then have to clean the house, make lunch and dinner, and make sure baby bear stays out of trouble (which is a feat in it's self), in the last few weeks I have had to answer the same question from Daddy bear 3 or 4 times, YES I STILL LOVE YOU AND YES I STILL FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE. I'm just really tired, there it is for the world to see!!!

I am also wondering when they will realize that I am tired and do not want to do the dish the next day, or pick up the wet clothes in the bathroom, put away their laundry, when I already washed,dried and folded it, is it to much to ask that they put it away? I don't think so.

I also feel alot of pressure to maitian a clean house, I do not remember my Mom's house ever being a mess, and my Mother-in-laws house is ALWAYS clean (even when it's dirty) I just don't feel like I measure up and I'm sorry but I'm trying the best I can, I also find I do not have time for myself, I don't remember the last time I used my sewing machine for pleasure, as a matter of fact lil sister bear has 4 pairs of pants that need to be made smaller in the waist and I haven't had time for that much less anything else, not to mention having a shower I have been doing that at night after work because there just is no other time, I can not leave baby bear alone darning the day he'd destroy the place so after work it is, do you think anyone around here has noticed??? Probably not, they are all worried about the next thing Mom will do for them, and Mom's feeling a Little under appreciated at the moment. I'm gonna have me a little pity cry, then I'm gonna do last nights dishes, pick up and wash the floors, burn the garbage and some laundry!!!

To my family I'm sorry and I'm doing the best I can you know how much we need me to work!!!!

Monday, November 10, 2008


What is with guilt?

I feel guilty about alot of things, This summer was not a good summer for us, my baby bears were suddenly diagnosed with PH1(primary hyper oxaluria) the only cure is a new liver, as everyone knows you can not just buy a new liver they would need a transplant. However the treatment (which may or may not work there's only a 50 percent chance it will) which is vitamin B6 is working for both kids. However we spent the whole summer pulling away from everyone and really not doing anything, we mainly sat at home and felt sorry for ourselves. I can not tell you how many nights I sat up all night long crying and begging God to please allow me to keep my baby bears. Now I feel guilt what will it take for me to trust that God will take care? With everything that has happened God has always been there so why not trust why question????

I also feel guilt about working, last week I worked 36 hours and then I felt guilty for not being at home, really we need the money there is no way for me not to work. When you can't give your child 5 dollars for school you need to do something about that, so I have to work I just wish I didn't feel so guilty about it!!!

Then there are the other things like, my parents recently my mom came into my place of employment and said we just came in because this is the only place we get to see you now, it has been hard to fit everyone in and I'm sorry but when I work 5 pm to 12 am there really isn't any other time for me to stop in, not only that but I have some friends that I have not been able to see or even meet and I feel bad about that too, there just has not been time, I also still have the baby angel quilts for the hospital because I have just not been able to get together with Terri!!! So sorry hopefully I'll be able to work that out soon!!!

So tomorrow I will go back to work and feel guilty again about the messy house and the fact that I'm leaving Daddy bear at home with the baby bears so I can work!!!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

dead baby jokes not so funny!!!!

I am so digusted by the discovery that some people think that my baby dying is funny. My son dying is the single most horriable thing that has EVER happened to me in my life!!! IT IS NOT FUNNY!!!

There are several facebook groups that are totally devoted to dead baby jokes, I'm asking everyone with a facebook account to report these groups, so that we can get rid of these groups.

There are alot of things that have happened in my life that were not funny when they happened but I can laugh about now, but my baby dying will never be funny!!!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

big sister bear

I have deicded that top forgive is to forget. With that said I will say that I was young (17) when I found out big sister bear was on her way, I loved her Daddy bear as much as I could at 17. I never knew it would end the way it did. I was hurt by ALOT of people while expecting my baby bear, people close to me and people not so close and those people know who they are and what they have done. I would also like to say that I have worked VERY hard to forgive these sais people, therefore I will not post about those hurts. To forgive is to forget!!!
SO I will go ahead to the birth of my big sister bear, she was born on october 30, 1995 at 2:54 pm. She was silent as she entered the world, I did not know why, she was wisked off to the other side of the room for oxygen right away and was soon pink and crying!!! My Mom was there when she was born as was her daddy bear, she was BEATUIFUL!!! She weighed 7 lbs. 4 1/2 oz. (excatly what I was when I was born)

I'd do all the hurts over again in a heartbeat to have my big sister bear!!!!