Friday, November 21, 2008

today is a feel like crying day!!!

Today is a "I feel like crying" day, and I'm not sure why. I think it maybe because of a conversation I had yesterday. Anyhow it brought up a bunch of feelings I thought where gone. So today I feel like crying!!!

It's over whelming at times to realize that my lil sister bear and big brother bear may one day need new livers and possibly liver and kidneys. Which hopefully will never need to be, as they are being monitored so that their kidney's would be "safe" and if a transplant would ever need to be done it would be a liver, and not both. It's scary and though I try really hard not to think about/ worry about it at times I can't help it.

Not only that but I have a HUGE family 26 aunts and uncles (my Dad has 15 living brothers and sister and my Mom has 11) and they all but 1 are married and I have LOTS of cousins (178 at last count but theres probably more now) so you would think that I would have LOTS of support not really I'm willing to bet that most of them DO NOT know my children's names and most do not know what is going on with the children. It really makes me sad I wish we were all closer, oh how I wish.

Last summer my parents had a MAJOR car accident and we almost lost them both, most of the family did not come see them, much less help when it was needed, I just realized last night how truly hard that time was, I was the only child that is home all day so alot of their "care" fell on me. Now don't get me wrong I AM NOT COMPLAINING, and if found in the same spot again would GLADLY do it again. I think that having all that to do made my "busy" so that I didn't have to think about what was happening, then last night as we chatted I got chocked up and realized how hard it was. My parents are still here and I am so thankful for that and as I said I would GLADLY do it again!!! I think I just need a good cry.

I am also missing my angel baby today, maybe I can make a trip to the cemetery to see him today!!! Funny how 10 years have gone by and sometimes it still hurts like it did the day we found out he was gone, I know he's safe but I still wish he was here!!! What I wouldn't give to just see him one more time, to just be able to tell him how much I miss and love him!!! I love you Mackenzie Wade I hope you know that!!!