Monday, November 10, 2008


What is with guilt?

I feel guilty about alot of things, This summer was not a good summer for us, my baby bears were suddenly diagnosed with PH1(primary hyper oxaluria) the only cure is a new liver, as everyone knows you can not just buy a new liver they would need a transplant. However the treatment (which may or may not work there's only a 50 percent chance it will) which is vitamin B6 is working for both kids. However we spent the whole summer pulling away from everyone and really not doing anything, we mainly sat at home and felt sorry for ourselves. I can not tell you how many nights I sat up all night long crying and begging God to please allow me to keep my baby bears. Now I feel guilt what will it take for me to trust that God will take care? With everything that has happened God has always been there so why not trust why question????

I also feel guilt about working, last week I worked 36 hours and then I felt guilty for not being at home, really we need the money there is no way for me not to work. When you can't give your child 5 dollars for school you need to do something about that, so I have to work I just wish I didn't feel so guilty about it!!!

Then there are the other things like, my parents recently my mom came into my place of employment and said we just came in because this is the only place we get to see you now, it has been hard to fit everyone in and I'm sorry but when I work 5 pm to 12 am there really isn't any other time for me to stop in, not only that but I have some friends that I have not been able to see or even meet and I feel bad about that too, there just has not been time, I also still have the baby angel quilts for the hospital because I have just not been able to get together with Terri!!! So sorry hopefully I'll be able to work that out soon!!!

So tomorrow I will go back to work and feel guilty again about the messy house and the fact that I'm leaving Daddy bear at home with the baby bears so I can work!!!

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