Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Happy birthday to my angel baby Mackenzie Wade, have a great 12 th birthday I love you and miss you lots!!

she did it!!!

Ashton finished Jr. High. Yesterday was grade 9 grad. As we sat in the gym for her Grad I was sad. Sad that not only is another chapter done and gone. But that the last year has been so hard for her. She left all her friends in her old school moved to a new city and started all over again. It has been anything but easy for her. I'm so sorry that it was this hard and I wish it wasn't. Regardless she's done, things will only get better now!!!

Tomorrow is 12 years, 12 years since our world changed so much. It's amazing that someone so small, who never made a sound changed everything that is!!!

Friday, June 25, 2010


So there are only 5 days until Mackenzie's 12 birthday, that's 12 years that I didn't get. I try really hard not to dwell on the fact that I didn't get them, instead it's 12 years that he's gotten to spend with the Lord!!! Wow what a lucky boy, one day I will get to meet him, yup meet him, you see I've never seen his eyes, I've never heard him cry. As I write this the tears stream down my face.

I love him and I miss him.

Alright, I actually got up and walked away I don't want this to be a sad post, it's not like that, I've worked REALLY hard at this. There have been alot of lessons in this the most important one is that I don't have control, these are not my children they are only borrowed to me and when their maker sees fit they are his to take home. Does this mean I'd like to lose more children. That would be a resounding NO!!! Children SHOULD not die before their parents. Or maybe us as parents are selfish and don't want them to go first because we don't want to bear the pain??? If we die before our children they the bear the pain instead of us?? I love my kids, I would do anything for my children, if I had to give my life so my kids would be healed I would in a heart beat. I wish I could have the disease instead of them, I wish it was me being poked and prodded every few months instead of them. I wish I was gone instead of my Mackenzie but that's just not how it is. He's gone, Nothing can bring him back. Trust me I would jump at the chance for just one hug, just to hold him in my arms are tell him how much I love him and have him hear me!! Which brings me to my point I have one child in heaven but I have 4 here do I tell them I love them???? Not Nearly enough!!! They are here. I should hug them and tell them ALL the time!!! I should be shouting it from the roof tops!!

After losing Mackenzie the verse John 3:16 For God SO loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whose so ever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life. has had a profound effect on me you see I would not allow my son to die for people who hated me and yet that's what God has done for us. He allowed his only son to die so that we could be with him one day. This brings me full circle. My son is so lucky, he spends everyday walking the streets of gold, spending time in the presence of the Lord. One day I to will join him, what a Day that will be!!!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

the long month

So the month is almost over and what a long month it's been, A quick update an things happening around here. I walked off my job at 1 am one night, determined not to go back. I did go back, here's why I left, I feel like my manager bullies me. It's not that I don't want to work "under" her it's just that she seems to think it's okay for her to make us do things that she doesn't want to do. Or get upset at us for things that aren't really things to be mad about. That night I had, had enough!!! An example of what's been happening, one night she lost her keys, so none of us were allowed to have the other set that was floating around, here's the problem with that the fridge and freezer are locked, I needed to get breakfast ready, everything is in the fridge and freezer. Breakfast was late because she wouldn't give us keys. Guess where the keys were.......you in her pocket. Or the night that someone puked in the sink in the bathroom, the person who was supposed to clean it up has a weak stomach so I did it for him (no weak stomach here) I got in trouble. It seems once every week or two I go home crying and I hate it!!! It's just simple things but it's ALL the time, in fact there is a blow up there just under the surface, I narrowly avoided a blow up this am. It's bound to happen again. I did go back for two reasons one because I need to work, two because they called me and I was able to talk to someone so we will see what will happen.

An update on CFS, it seems it was a welfare check on Ashton, she had been VERY sick that week and missed the whole week of school, so they wanted to make sure that all was well. However the dining room was a HUGE mess, we had water in the basement and EVERYTHING had to be washed and dried and brought upstairs, that has since been fixed, it seems that's how it ALWAYS happens. Anyhow they could see that Ashton was okay meaning we hadn't beaten her and were now trying to let her heal, was really was sick, in fact we had taken her to the doctor and the E.R. She ended up on a prescription cough syrup to help her clear everything up, and she is finally feeling 100 percent again. It took almost 2 weeks, I think alot of this was stress. You see her friend just found out she pregnant at 15. Ashton was the person she turned to so Ashton kept her secret. I just don't know how that is gonna work out, she's only 15 and her boyfriend is 20, it all seems so crazy. However I have used this a a perfect opportunity to have the "talk" again with Ashton. I was a teen Mom and I worry ( I was 17, I couldn't imagine doing it at 15)

The other thing happening this month is Mackenzie's birthday just 6 more days and it to will be over and the stress around here will elevate for another year. I don't know how to explain the feeling theres a pit in my stomach and it grows over the month until his birthday and then all is better again.

Today is the day I became an auntie to a beautiful little boy 12 years ago, just 6 days before our beautiful angel grew his wings. So tomorrow will be 12 years since Mackenzie and Austin had their first and only fight. Mackenzie was still on the inside and I was holding Austin and he was resting on my tummy Mackenzie kicked him and he didn't like it. Just one of my few memories.

Friday, June 11, 2010

what a week

What a week, first I walk out on the job. ( I have since gone back) I'm not really sure how long this will last!! Ashton has been VERY sick. We had a visit from child and family services. I apparently can't do anything right. I asked my Mom if I'm really that bad of a Mom her response I don't know. I feel like giving up, I feel sad. Why is this happening over and over again. For the record, I love my kids, I would do anything for them, I just want everyone to leave us alone and stop picking on me.

I'm just so sad !!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

she's feeling better

It's been a touch crazy around here, I have 48 umbrella blocks due on a swap and I broke my sewing machine that's right folks broke it. Now it needs to go to the doc to be fixed, so I have to go over to my Mom's to use hers it has been a HUGE challenge, when I'm home I'm sleeping or the hubby is working and he has the car making the 15 minute trip to my Mothers impossible!!

On my Sunday night shift I walked off my job at 1 am, I just can't handle feeling like I'm being bullied by my manager and I'm a little tired of watching her bully everyone else too!!! I'm still not 100 percent sure what to do about this, I guess time will tell. I do know that I won't do this much longer!!

Lastly all the kids have been sick except J'naya. Tony spent all afternoon on Friday lying on the sofa and throwing up. Brycen spent Friday afternoon crying, not just a little cry but full force crying nothing I did made it better. He kept saying his tooth hurt, so I checked his tooth to see if I could see a cavities, nothing everything looked fine, so I took him to the bathroom and brushed his teeth it didn't help. So I spent the afternoon sitting next to him and rubbing his back, and trying ti get his fever under control. The next day he had a hard spot on his cheek and his cheek was swollen, but not his gums or anything on the tooth he said hurt.

Finally since Sunday Ashton has been sick, nausea, headache and fever she has been MISERABLE. However because she's not feeling well it has been quiet. Last night we did a quick trip to the E.R and then decided once we got there that it would take to long so we went home. Today I phoned and made an appointment with the doctor. She says she doesn't need to go, in fact got upset, well she's going!!!