what???

So there are only 5 days until Mackenzie's 12 birthday, that's 12 years that I didn't get. I try really hard not to dwell on the fact that I didn't get them, instead it's 12 years that he's gotten to spend with the Lord!!! Wow what a lucky boy, one day I will get to meet him, yup meet him, you see I've never seen his eyes, I've never heard him cry. As I write this the tears stream down my face.

I love him and I miss him.

Alright, I actually got up and walked away I don't want this to be a sad post, it's not like that, I've worked REALLY hard at this. There have been alot of lessons in this the most important one is that I don't have control, these are not my children they are only borrowed to me and when their maker sees fit they are his to take home. Does this mean I'd like to lose more children. That would be a resounding NO!!! Children SHOULD not die before their parents. Or maybe us as parents are selfish and don't want them to go first because we don't want to bear the pain??? If we die before our children they the bear the pain instead of us?? I love my kids, I would do anything for my children, if I had to give my life so my kids would be healed I would in a heart beat. I wish I could have the disease instead of them, I wish it was me being poked and prodded every few months instead of them. I wish I was gone instead of my Mackenzie but that's just not how it is. He's gone, Nothing can bring him back. Trust me I would jump at the chance for just one hug, just to hold him in my arms are tell him how much I love him and have him hear me!! Which brings me to my point I have one child in heaven but I have 4 here do I tell them I love them???? Not Nearly enough!!! They are here. I should hug them and tell them ALL the time!!! I should be shouting it from the roof tops!!


After losing Mackenzie the verse John 3:16 For God SO loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whose so ever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life. has had a profound effect on me you see I would not allow my son to die for people who hated me and yet that's what God has done for us. He allowed his only son to die so that we could be with him one day. This brings me full circle. My son is so lucky, he spends everyday walking the streets of gold, spending time in the presence of the Lord. One day I to will join him, what a Day that will be!!!