Saturday, April 24, 2010

i want to be left alone

I just want to be left alone, I'm tired of fighting EVERYONE!!
I'm tired of being told that my house is to dirty, I'm tired of not being good enough, I'm tired of fighting Ashton and her Dad, and Ashton and my Mom and Ashton and my sister.

I'm tired so please leave me alone.

I get it I'm not a good enough house keeper,
I'm not a good enough daughter in law,
I'm not a good enough mother,
I'm not a good enough wife,
I'm not a good enough daughter.

Don't worry I really do get it so please, please just leave me alone!!!

Friday, April 23, 2010

birthdays, birthdays and more birthdays

This week was Brycen's birthday, he turned 5, when we got pregnant we weren't intending to, we were discussing having a 4 child but had come up with LOTS of reasons not to. (in our defence the only child we planned to get pregnant with and by planned I mean decided to get pregnant this month so that the baby would be born when we wanted and actually tried to get pregnant. We miscarried at 8 weeks and were heartbroken)

The miscarriage happened April 23 , 1999 10 months after the loss of Mackenzie, we have named this baby Alexander Joshua just because I need to. It was a Wednesday night I was home alone Jeff and Ashton went to Awana ( a children's bible club) we knew something was wrong I had started spotting on Sunday spent Monday at the doctors stayed on bed rest for the rest of Monday and Tuesday, went back to work Wednesday the spotting started again and we had an emergency ultrasound on Wednesday lost the baby wendeady night home all by myself. I went back to work the next day, then on Friday Jeff had a planned men's retreat weekend I dropped him off with his uncle then went to the cemetery and sat with Mackenzie and Cried. Normally the owner of the cemetery would come over and chat I guess he realized I needed to be alone, I don't know how long I sat there but I did finally go home. in that moment I had once again lost all my hopes and dreams for my family I was now a dead baby Momma times two and EVERYONE knew we were expecting now we had to tell them that yet again i had failed and the baby was dead. We did not want to try again, we were gonna start the pill the next month, I had to go in and have an ultrasound again to make sure the baby was totally gone, at this ultrasound there was nothing all though the tech said at the last ultrasound there had been two sacks ( what does that mean was it twins???) now nothing and she showed me where I was gonna ovulate from next month (this happens to be Tony) yup we got pregnant again before I could start the pill.

Maybe this is why I have been feeling down in the last few days it has been 12 years since i lost my third baby.

Okay so this started as a post of Brycen's birthday and has somehow turned into Alex's birth story it amazes me that I can miss people that I don't know so much.

We did not plan to get pregnant but we did Brycen's pregnancy was the hardest. I had gestational diabetes I had to test my sugars 4 times a day ( it was VERY expensive) I had to inject insulin twice a day. I had a fetal assessment every week on the same day I could change the time but not the day. We had to see how fast he was growing i was So scared after an UN explained stillbirth and now the diabetes I didn't like the odds of my change for another loss. At 26 weeks I had the stomach flu it was so bad I couldn't keep anything down and ended u in the hospital hooked up to an I.V. and having had a shot of Demerol because I couldn't sleep and was having constant contractions. Once re hydrated my contractions stopped and I was allowed to go home ( since it was Easter Sunday , we went to my Mom and Dad's place the family Had dinner and I took gravel and slept That is the only year I have not had to hunt for my Easter bunny) Needless to say the next week I spent getting ready for this baby I made PILES of food for the freezer so once he came I didn't have to worry about dinners. At 37 weeks the doctor thinned my membranes at my appointment and I started contracting and since I had an induction scheduled for the next week I thought nothing of it. That was on til I talked to a friend and told her what had happened and she informed me that everyone she knew that had had that done had their babies that day. I had been having contractions all day from the time of my appointment but had brushed them off after all I was only 37 weeks. Well I started to pay attention and guess what yup a pattern. I called my Mom and told her I think I'm in labour and the panic began. I lived roughly 1.5 hours from the hospital I was to deliver in and a good 20 inutes from the closet hospital, I was home alone with the other children (3 of them ages 3, 5, and 9) and I did not have a car. Of course Mom says you have to call Jeff so i do and he wants to come home. I tell him not to because I am not known for quick labours. I realize that I have to lead singing at church on Sunday so I call the women how offered to sing for me if Ineeded. she laughs at me because i am worried about this while in labour. My Mom phones every few minutes to make sure things are okay. She wants to come get me and take me to her place. I would rather stay home and labour at home. Finally she convinces me that my sister come stay at my house just in case ( she had an exam the next day and needed to study and wanted to be in delivery with us along with my sister in law) she comes over and studies in my bedroom I go about doing everything I normally do. At one point J'naya had an accident in her pants and I have to clean up the mess, dunning a contraction that at this point is making me catch my breath. I decided to do laundry putting the laundry basket on the floor by my feet so that I have to bend down and pick up each piece to fold it, my sister comes out and yells at me telling me she'll carry it to the table so that I don't have to bend down to which I in from her I did this on purpose if this is gonna happen might as well help it along.

Finally I inform my sister that I think my water broke (all my babies have come within 30 minutes of my water breaking so now everyone is panicked ) she phone my parents to let them know the kids are coming I phones Jeff and tell him to meet us at my Mom's I think my Mom phoned my brother and sister in law. When we get to my parents Jeff is already there. He doesn't want me to go inside my parents meet us in the driveway and they are all trying to push me into the van. I inform them that need to go to the bathroom and am not leaving till I have done so. You should have seen that panic on my Mom's face ( she was at the birth of the other children she knows how quickly this can happen once my water breaks, and he had my sister in 45 minutes and almost didn't make it to the hospital) I go in and use the bathroom and when I come out there they all are standing around waiting for my I start laughing while holding on to the wall cause it hurts. They weren't happy that I was still there. I go get in the van and we head for the hospital.

My sister in law, sister and Jeff are all there, my water has not broken. I walk the halls ane tell the nurse not to ask me about pain meds because i don't want them and if asked I will change my mind and I really don't want them I can do this. At some point it is decided that my sister in law will go home but Kathleen stays. Jeff and Kathleen laugh and joke ( mainly about messing with my bed) the contractions are getting VERY close and VERY hard every time a contraction starts I start crying not really crying but the tears start streaming. I realize that Jeff and Kathleen are suddenly quiet. Jeff finally says i can't do this anymore and asks the nurse for and epidural, the epi arrives quickly and I feel much better. In the am I A.M. getting Close Jeff calls Heater and lets her know that if she still wishes to be at the birth she better hurry. Heather comes back and at 10:38 am our beautiful little boy comes into the world screaming, this is the first time Jeff has seen a baby actually born (he doesn't do blood and guts well) as this was his last chance to watch his child enter the world. Kathleen has tears running down her face and Heather looks amazed. They all take turns holding him and I watch ( I always get the shakes really badly in the final stages of labour). Suddenly there is a phone call and the nurse comes in and tells Kathleen that her Mom is here does she want to step out and talk to her I inform her that this is also my Mom can she bring the kids up and meet their new brother and grandson The nurse tells me that if it's okay with me it's okay with her. I ask that a blanket get thrown over that bed so the kids don't get scared by the blood and in they come. It was a short visit but they al got a chance to meet him. Then things quiet down and I am left alone with my new son and the nurse. I get moved to my room and I here the nurse tell nurse on the postpartum ward that she's bringing over a Mrs. Reimer but no worries she's very expericned and knows what she's doing ( you think this is baby number 5 ;-) )

Brycen Cole was born April 19, 2005 at 10:38 am weighing in at 8 lbs. 7 0z. and cute as a button.

My Mom says that God gave us Brycen because he knew we had hard times coming and we would need something to laugh at and i think she's right he's ALWAYS doing something to make us laugh ( however we won't go into the things that he does to scare us like poisoning himself and putting a button up his nose!!! for more baby bear stories click on baby bear)

We love our babybear a.k.a stink or Brycen.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

the scare of my life

The kids have had run of this house long enough, the decsion has been made that things WILL change.
I knew yesterday that when it was announced that things would change that it was gonna be bad, I just didn't realize how bad. You see Ashton was REALLY mad over the change infact so mad that she ran away. Yup she ran away she snuck out of the house and took off, for a while I was able to follow her, but she had an unfair advantage, she was by herself I had J'naya and Brycen with me and I could only move so fast. At some point I lost her (or she lost me depending on how you look at it). Now in order to file a missing persons report, you have to look every where you think your child will hve gone. I did that infact some of the places were visited a few times by myself and other people who were looking. I had a good idea of where she might have headed. Turns out I was right, I just wasn't there the same times she was. Ashton was gone for 4 and a half hours...... The longest 4 and a half hours of my life. You see we haven't lived in the city very long, There are some questionable characters on our street and I just wasn't convinced she was gonna come home. I'm happy to report that she is home and she is safe.

These are the new rules laid out yesterday, 2 nights a week with a friend ( she was spending every waking moment out with her friends) in the house by 10 pm, no phone calls or internet after 10pm. Lights out at 11pm on school nights. (she was staying up till 3 am on school nights) these new rules were laid out in a clam setting needless to say they were not well recived. These rules don't just allpy to one child but to all of them. Infact Tony will also be signed up for Tae kwon doe to see if we can instill some self control and teach some respect. I'm scared of some of the deiscions he has been making and hopefully we can get him back on the right track before it gets really bad. He's not happy about this!!

Now this is not all the kids fault some of it is our fault (Jeff and myself) we have just been WAY to easy with the rules and pretty much letting them get away with things they shouldn't and that is mainly becasue of guilt.
Things have to change we have to gain back control and are gonna do it, regradless of yesterdays events the rules stand.

The other thing that REALLY bothers me is the Mother in law, while I was out she came here and was cleaning my house No one was home. She's embrassed by how "messy" my house is, um hello I have 4 kids and I work over nights yup sometimes I don't feel like cleaning nor do I believe children should not be allowed to play so yup sometimes there's toys on the floor. Most times my house isn't spotless but nor is it a sty. I am not a stay at home home who simply cleans all the time, but if you don't like the place the way it is don't come over I'm so tired of being judged by everyone.

My kids are my proity today being a prime example, yup I could be in the house cleaning but I chose to go outside and play with the kids. Once they are grown I'll worry about having a spotless house. Actually proablly not I'll have Grand babies and I'll worry about spending time with them!!!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

ph1, the dog , ants and family dinners

Now that summer is finally here and it looks like it will stay, we have ants not your average tiny little ants, nope huge ants. We went to the store and spent 10 dollars hopefully this will solve the problem!!! I don't mind ants but not in my house!!!

As for the dog, she's the cutest little gal, she does have some behavioral problems she barks at EVERYONE even though I'm sure that she would never bite unless she thought that one of "her" kids was getting hurt or in danger. In fact I was tickling Brycen and she was in my face not sure how to react. She loves sleeping with the kids, she crawls up into the kids beds and sleeps there all night. If she sees me gonna have a nap on the sofa she'll crawl up and nap with me. I wonder where I can take her or find out how to break the barking habit. The one condition on Jeff agreeing ON the dog was that I not buy fabric for 2 months, well there are always ways around that you see I got a gift card from the fat quarter shop so I finally used it and got some great charms.

So I'm a HUGE believer in family dinners when I was a kid we ALWAYS ate dinner together as a family at the dinner table. I want that for my kids, however with the shifts we are now working it is hard the hubby only has Tuesday and Wednesday off and works night and when he works days I'm sleeping ( since I sleep when he is home so I can work overnights.) so today we had family dinner night, the teenager was NOT happy. She said she wasn't hungry and even tried to bring here homework to the table and refused to eat. In the end she didn't talk but she did eat. One day she'll understand.

On the PH1 note, we have up coming appointments and I'm worried, we have ultrasounds and need to do a 12 hour urine, I'm hoping things are still okay. J'naya is the one I'm the most worried about she has been complain ALOT about belly aches and most importantly back aches, in fact last week there was a disscions about an E.R visit. But because of the upcoming visits we didn't ( however we would have if the pain become un bareable) it's really hard to know when to go and when not to, I don't want to damage her kidneys but I also don't want to cry wolf.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Yesterday I got the scare of a life time, now because my kids are country kids at heart they just don't get the whole stay in the yard deal. I have to watch them like hawks, now it doesn't help that most of the kids on the street just do their own thing or maybe I'm just to worried. I want my kids to stay in my yard, preferably the back yard. There is a park at the end of the street that they occasionally go to but only all together. So this week has been a HUGE test of faith, I send the kids outside with orders to stay in the backyard only to go check on them, ( I always have the window open) so if it is suddenly quiet I check asap, now this is what happened, it suddenly got silent, I look out the back window no kids, I go look out the front window there they are, Tony and J'naya on the sidewalk with their bikes Brycen sitting on the sidewalk petting a dog, I continue to watch for a few minutes. The dog goes on his way finishing his walk, Brycen gets on his bike, I watch thinking he's gonna come back up on to the sidewalk. To my horror nope he does not pull onto the sidewalk he goes straight out onto the street, into the path of an on coming car. I scream and run from the window to the door, yank open the door and bolt out, in time to see the car pass, as I look over I see that Brycen is still on his bike UN harmed. I then holler at him to bring his bike home, that's when Gracie ( our dachshund) goes racing out the door barking of course. Following closely behind is Ashton yelling at me because the dog got out. Now I love my dog but really if I have to choose the dog or Brycen it's not even close Brycen wins. So as I bolt out the door my only thought is he's gonna get hit, please Lord don't let him get hit. I am already an angel Mommy and I'm telling you I CANNOT do that again. I of coruse am so relived that he is okay, but he did get a serve tongue lashing. I also have taken away the bike, when will he get it back I'm not sure but for now no bike. It's not like he's 2 and doesn't know better he's almost 5 (his birthday is the 19 th of this month) he knows better and if he can't follow the rules he can't have the bike so simple!!!

The other thing that happened yesterday I went to pick up a few cross stitch books I have been wanting and found for cheap on kijiji ( I love kijiji.) but I got lost in the process, I looked up the directions before I left ( I was going to garden city) but I didn't print them, I went the wrong way and finally bought a map book to correct myself. Now I have lived in Liabu for 10 years I could get there from Libau but not from here. Then I couldn't for the life of me figure out how I got there or how to get back, I finally figured out how to get to the perimeter and then I could get home. In the mean time my kid have been locked out of the house. I lost Jeff's house key, or rather it feel off of the key ring at My Mom's house so it's not lost it's just not here. So Jeff took Ashton's key which means the kids are locked out and they have gone over to Jeff's Mom's house. I spot them as I drive by and stop to pick them up. All in all it has been a long week, only to become an even longer weekend as we struggle to figure out who really rules this house and to have the kids understand!!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

let the yelling commence

so yesterday after school, J'naya and Tony come bursting into the house and J'naya is crying and Tony is scared. The first thing the say is Emma's (name has been changed) Mom is gonna come over and tell on us. Shortly there after there's a banging sound like the cops have arrived, sfter a short discussion it is decided that I should go to the door. I open the door and sure enough there stands Emma's Mom shaking with anger. Emma had been giving J'naya a hard time all day, in fact she had even claimed that J'naya had hurt her to a teacher to which J'naya got in trouble. (Now I am not one of those Moms that thinks my kids NEVER do anything wrong my kids are not angels however it takes 2 to tango) So Tony stepped up to defend his little sister in the process one of Tony's friends (who's father just doesn't care and couldn't be bothered to do anything with his kids) opens his mouth and starts yelling at Emma's Mom. Now Emma's Mom is standing at my door claiming that Tony was swearing st her, I explain that yes I am aware of the fact that Tony and this said kid get themselves into trouble and am trying to "fix" this problem, and I will deal with my children then I suggest that instead of banging on my door yelling she to should deal with her child as her child is not the only child hurt here. She then storms off in a huff saying her boyfriend will be back to deal with this. Deal with what they are 8 years old, they are girls, it's gonna happen they will figure it out, I'm not gonna tell J she has to walk with Emma all the time, or that Emma can be her only friend!!! Emma's Mom then goes home and calls the school to tell on Tony, here's what she doesn't tell them, the fact that she in the past she has called Tony an a**hole and flipped him the bird, we had a talk with Tony about it and told him to avoid her. She also doesn't realize that Ashton is walking right behind them and has witnessed what has just happened and Tony DID NOT SWEAR OR YELL AT HER!!!

So an 8 year old girls argument has turned into all out war, Not 3 hours latter the boyfriend comes over, Emma is an angel and did nothing wrong and my children horrible and at fault for everything. What ever I deal with my kids you deal with yours. To solve this problem we get bike locks and the kids ride their bikes to school together. Then call the school and explain our side of the story cause really kids will argue and it will get worse.

Here's the catch today they are friends again! Really they will figure it out there doesn't need to be parental involvement in everything they have to figure things out and the whole my child in innocent and yours isn't is ridiculous they were all guilty in their own way!!!

Saturday, April 3, 2010


Here are the long awaited lyrics I have heard this song a few times on CHVN and I have never known the song title or artist but my wonderful hubby was listening tonight while at work and found out. She is singing to her still born child I have yet to find the C.D and find out the details but here are the lyrics and they ring true with this baby loss momma!!!Its by Sarah Folden

I shortened the lyrics for repetition
She sings like an angel
Still by Sarah Folden
I’ve been waiting for you for such a long time;
you’re always on my mind.
And I’m lying awake,
most of the night,
waiting to hold you tight.

Lost in time,
lost in space,
can’t wait to see your face.
Now that I do
and look at you,
my heart is breaking,
this can’t be true.

Close to my heart,
close to my soul,
right from the start.
Lost you before I found you,
gone before you came,
but I love you just the same.
Missed you before I met you,
but in heaven we will meet again.

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do,
with this pain that I am going through,
but I know one day,
God will take me away
and I’m coming home to you.
And when I do and look at you,
my heart is healing,
I know its true;
In heaven we’ll meet again.

sweet memories

This week I was to go to my Thursday morning bible study, couldn't do it, it is REALLY hard to work 8 hours overnight and go out once I get home, instead I went to sleep. When I crawled into bed my Brycie was in bed, he kind of sat up and stretched and went back to sleep I asked him if he wanted a pillow, he nodded and I slipped a pillow under his head. Then I rubbed the top of his head and told him I loved him to which I was rewarded with a HUGE sleepy grin. It's moments like this that make it worth it!!

I have memories of each of my babies locked in my head, one of the sweetest ones of Ashton is when she was just tiny she was screaming at 3:00 am, I was so frustrated ( I was a 17 year old single mom and was crying right along with her) when she suddenly stopped, she had caught sight of her own hand and was fixed on the fact that it moved!! Needless to say we were able to settle down and go back to sleep. With Tony I would say it was when he was put under to break up kidney stones at the age of three,you see Tony was avery happy go lucky child and before he was put under he was hamming it up with all the nurses. Once he came to he was so mad he wouldn't talk to anyone. With Miss. J it would have to be the way she LOVED my Dad, I mean LOVED my Dad and my father in law (though that has changed and she is now scared of my father in law) no one could do anything for her when my Dad was around.
I also have a memory of my sweet angel baby I can still feel the place where his sweet little face last touched mine right before the nurse took him away from me forever.

I look forward to making more memories and can only hope that my children also have special memories locked away and always know how much I love them!!