Really???

This week our postal carrier knocked on the door, We had a registered letter, my first thought.... He didn't really (thinking it was from Ashton's Dad's lawyer,I must note that we do not have a court order, we never have, we have always been adults about this and wanted Ashton not to be in the middle that is until now that's why I really don't get this...anyhow that's not what this post is about) after a quick glance to see where it came from I realize nope it's from Jeff's former job. A quick letter to say that after the temporary lay off that came in November and was to be only for 8 weeks, it still has not picked up and he will not be called back (not that he was going back he is now employed else where and LOVES his job, and hopefully here there won't be the whole I'm the "boss' " friend so I can walk around all day texting on my phone and pretty much doing nothing, with no family to support and not get laid off, while the hard working people with families who have worked there longer get let go) Long story short A BIG FAT lie, we know that they have been calling people back but apparently no one there can man up and make a call. A simple we know you have a new job and so we'll lay you off call. Nope a letter full of lies form a company who prides themselves on being "Christian" . I just don't get it am I saying that EVERYTHING I do is right ummmmm NO, no one is perfect I just think that this was handled way wrong. 7 years of hard work, going to work when he was puking, only leaving when he HAD to. And this is how it ends a letter full of lies. He's hurt to say the least. They could have had the balls to call!!!

I just don't get it!!

I have been a Mom for 14 years, that's right folks I became a Mom at 17, I loved Aston's Dad, I was heart broken when the relationship ended. I would not have chosen this but because of choices he made this is how it had to be. For 1 and a half years I was a single Mom...... it was hard, I still went to school and I worked like I said it was hard. Child support has been there but has been missed at times, so it's not always dependable!! Anyhow when Miss. Ashton was 2 I married Jeff, I have known Jeff since I was 12, Jeff has been Ashton's Dad for 12 years. Now that Ashton is 14 her Dad has finally bought a house and moved out of his parents house. Now he wants my daughter!! I will not give up my daughter, I don't care that I have other children (he doesn't) She's still my kid and I can't let her go. He's VERY angry and she doesn't want to go. She would prefer to have life stay the same. Now if only I could get him to back down, and stop picking fights. The fighting is hurting Ashton way doesn't he get that? I no longer will be expecting child support, he uses this as an excuse to demand things, if he gives me money I will rip it up or burn it, I don't want his money it feels like blood money a good reason for him to cause trouble. I NO LONGER WANT ANY MONEY FROM HIM!!!

How does a person change so much?? How can you love someone so much and have that someone be so different, in the same thought I know that I no longer am the same person that I was 14 years ago, I'd like to think that I an still compassionate person. I know I'm different life has had ALOT of hard lessons for me. I'd also like to think that I'm stronger in my faith with God, The one thing that I have learned is that God is always there even when we think he's not, sometimes he just steps back and lets us find him, he's always there waiting with open arms wanting to be there for us!!!

here we go again ** This is another Mom post and it deals with poop**

So it's a new year and life seems to have settled, do I enjoy working overnights, it could be worse. I really think it's not as bad as everyone thought it would be, however sometimes sleep is hard to come by. Eventually it works out, and lucky me that children asked for pizza pops for lunch that's easy enough.
Yesterday Ashton came home from her Dad's house and he dropped a bomb, he wants Ashton to live with him for 2 weeks out of the month!!! Does he really think this is going to happen? I don''t think so I don't just give my kids away!! Seriously I have NEVER said no to him spending extra time with her, he just never did. and he can pick her up whenever he wants for extra time, but her moving out of my home I don't think so!!With that being said let's see how things work out!!
I pray that whatever happens, it be the best thing for Ashton, not for me and not for her Dad but for Ashton, cause that's what this is all about!!
So over the last week I have barely seen my hubby, Jeff is now working on his on as a driver for CAA and HE LOVES IT!!! I don't think he could have found a more perfect job!! But with him being on the bottom of the totem pole, he has to work the shifts that have been given to him and since I work overnights you see how a problem can suddenly appear. Well last week was no exception I work 11pm to 7 am, and he was working 6 am to 2 pm. Now normally Ashton is here,so she babysits for us, but she went to her friends house and then to Daddy's house so she was gone those two days. So my parents took the 3 younger ones for a sleep over, that stretched to 2 nights. When the kids came home they were excited and had lots of things to tell us, mostly about Buddy( my Dad's beagle). There was however one thing that all three children told me, at different times completely un aware that anyone else had told me. What is that you ask well the exciting thing they did was watch Dr.Oz. Yup Dr. Oz, now this wasn't just any Dr.Oz. show nope this one was about poop!!! And that's why this was so exciting, yup Tony told me all about good fats and bad fats and the sound your poop should make when it hits the water!! Brycen informed me that there were 2 ladies on the show that had to show Dr. Oz what their poop looked like by forming it from clay (that really looked like poop) and J'naya just mentioned that they watch the Dr. Oz show and it was about poop she's not nearly as excited about it as the boys, being a girl and all. So this was the highlight of their visit to Grandma and Grandpa's wait till I tell the folks!!!

feeling like pooh

I hate when people say they will help then back out when I need them, I hate not being able to feed my kids they way they want, I hate not feeling loved, I hate not making my parents proud, I hate crying all the time, I hate having to ask for help. I just don't know how much more I can take, I just don't know!!

1 week down many more to go!!

Week one is over I'm officially on my weekend, Friday 7 am to Sunday 11 pm!! I made it even though lots of folks didn't think I would so HA to you!!! It actually wasn't that bad now I know you say McDonald's overnights it can't possibly be that busy, it's not.......with the expectation of the night the bar let out and all the drunk folks were hungry for what else McDonald's!!! Let me tell you Mickey D's believes in running a clean restaurant. There is not one thing that does not get cleaned in a week and most of them nightly, I should know I do it!!! Anyhow there is alot to keep us busy at night and I learned to take the drive through orders!!! Yeah me!! Anyhow it's going well do I love working all night??? Not really. Has sleep been an issue?? some. But it will work it's self out and at least I'm working full time!!! Again yeah me!! However working all through the night has a large problem and that is that I NEVER KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS!!! IN fact Thursday morning, I have a mom's bible study with babysitting provided so us Moms do our bible study and the boy's have a play date. Yup boys we all have boys so that's 7 little boys. However soon the girls will also play but for now the only girls are still babies and they prettiest little girls around one has so much hair I'm sure we could french braid it, the other has beautiful blue eyes, I'm telling you, you could just eat them up. In fact the Miss Molly (you can see her here on her Mom's blog (http://miriamcherie.blogspot.com/)has my hubby wrapped around her little tiny baby finger, he steals her EVERY Sunday and cuddles her all through church. It's a good thing that we cannot have any more children! ;-) I did not go, just couldn't make the effort!! Then this am as I log into my face book account I remember one of the girls does a Christmas get together every year and it was ....... that's right folks last night, I totally forgot and slept right through it. Part of the problem is that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT DAY IT IS!!! My shift starts one day and ends the next. I Wonder how I can get to know what day it actually is?? I guess we'll figure it out!!!

the grind starts again

I have started the new job, I'm trying to be positive, yesterday I actually got to make fries!!! I swept the floors and cleaned the bathrooms, I just gotta hang in there, I really can do this, this is not my dream job.
I was asked recently what is my dream job??
What do you want to do??
Although I didn't really know the answer then, now that I have thought about it, it would be something with fabric, something where I can create things, where I look forward to the next time I go to work. With that said I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that I have not finished Molly and Lily's quilts both are ready to be quilted in fact Miss Molly's was half quilted when I realized that I had the backing on wrong, it was a stupid mistake made out of haste I really need to take more time, but time is not on my side. Now that I will be working again it really will not be on my side and truthfully there were a few weeks that I didn't feel like doing anything even when fabric was involved!! I will get Miss. Molly's quilt done this week. I will also be doing some things for the children for Christmas like the Christmas jammy's I bought brown snowflake fabric at the end of last winter for their jammy's and now I must get started!! I will also be doing some sewing for their rooms as part of their Christmas gifts, we do not know if the hubby will get paid before Christmas so it is time to get creative, I will post on my other blog about those projects so feel free to check them out at www.fabricischeaperthentherapy.blogspot.com (Maybe if Terri reads this she can message me and let me know how to add links to my other post????)
I still am not so sure that I want to post pics of the kidlets on my blog, I feel like it's just to out there and I wouldn't want the kids to get hurt because of my blogging, so I took some cute pics of the kids, you see Friday was a day off for them but we had invited my parents for supper and the kids wanted to help. We were making mashed potatoes, shake n bake pork chops and honey dill baby carrots (which baby bear ate the most of) however we cannot find our vegetable peeler since the move so over to the dollar store for 4 potato peelers one for each kid, although big sister bear was at school. The kids were so proud and they did all the work, they peeled a whole pot of potatoes, big brother bear then chopped them for he (he's almost 10) then came the shaking part of the shake and bake, I'm still shocked that those pork chops stayed in those bags. We had the best shaked potatoes in the world!!! Over all it went really well with NO fighting that's right folks they DID NOT FIGHT!!!! It all tasted really good, of course I did the cooking but it went well and I hope that in the process they learned something although we won't mention that to loudly!!!

sadness

Yesterday I posted about how I feel, today I feel like I should aplogize for feeling that way, and yet it turely is how I feel. So I will not say sorry, instead I will say that although I do sturrgle to feel like I fet in I do have ALOT to be thankful for. Life has not been easy by any means in my world and most folks know this even though I'd rather hide then have to tell people. It gets to the point where I feel like people will say you have to be making this up, how many horriable things can happen to one family seroiusly, anyho there I go again off on the bad things when we really do have things to be thankful for, infact we are all safe, we are all for the most part healthy (if you don't factor in the kids diease and the stones big brother bear carries around hidden deep within his body) we are healthy right now. Infact we are together, so no matter what happens we are here. When you think about it we really have survived the worst, we have burried a child it really doesn't get any worse then that, so we make trips to the E.R. quite regularly at least they are here for those trips. So the kids drive me mad sometimes, at least I know what their voice sounds like, So the kids get up at the crack of dawn, at least I know what thier eyes look like. You see our baby was stllborn, we never saw his eyes, we never heard his voice. We mearly got a few hours with him, we bathed him, we dressed him and we told him we loved him, then we burried him. It really doesn't get worse, we have already faced the worst...........So bring on the rest we are ready!!!

sadness....

I don't know why, but i feel like I'm fighting this constant sadness, I wish I could be happy, I feel like it's always a battle. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, You see I was always the girl in school that didn't speak English, didn't read well, just plain old didn't fit. With friends as I got older I didn't fit because I had a baby as a teen (this is also why I don't fit in the family I messed up) I Truely do feel like I'm forever trying to fit in everywhere. With friends now they all have small children mine are all grown. (even though I know they love me) I feel like I just don't fit. Same with my family I just feel like an outsider, I made mistakes that have put my in the spot I'm in, we went from being homeless, to being careless to me currently being jobless, how will we make ends meet?? I don't know but I need a job. We have invited people over only to have them not come and then find out they went elsewhere. Why am I o unimportant, How do I fix this?? Will I ever fit in?? I sure want to!!

self worth

I am proablly the worst role model for self worth ever!!
Proablly because of one of my life expericences and partly because most times I don't feel I'm worth the effort, I seem to always have. Problem or some conflict going on and rather then always be a bother I try to hide. Infact last summer when we found out about the kids I went into hiding, I just don't know how to deal with these things.
So this week, my new landlady called child protective services, now we are a family of 7, both parents noe work pretty much full time daddy bear works during the day and I work evenings so one of us is always with the children. On top of that my place of employment is doing a fundraiser for the children's hospital where my children go every 6 months( and in between) so I am VERY involved with this. So our house is Never the cleanest house on the block, but we do our best!! Anyhow CFS came to check out our home, which totally blew me out of the water, I DO NOT think I'm the worlds best MOM, but I do know that I would do ANYTHING for these cildren!!! And I mean ANYTHING!!! So anyhow the complaint was that our home was flithy, the children were flithy and the children were no being fed! When they came in baby bear was sitting on the sofa eating breakfast and watching tree house. Anyhow after a quick walk through and a check for food, a friendly chat at the back door they were on their way. I have nothing to hide, I LOVE MY BABIES!!!
This is when I learned something VERY important, my friends do care, I was quite shook up by the whole experince so I post a facebook status saying they had been there and left the house, when I returned a half hour later one of my close friends was sitting in my driveway waiting for me!! She stayed all day, she did my dishes (even though she HATES dishes), she fed the boys and most of all she hugged me when I cried!!! Thankyou so much that is what I needed.
Later that night another girlfriend stopped by with, muffins, chocolate chip cookies and chocolate almonds.everything a girl needs to "feel" better, not only did my girlfriends come, my sister in law came out with my nephew, my sister came after work and my parents!! I really needed all of you so thankyou very much, I have always tried to just deal with it because I don't want to bother people. It was good to know that they really do care. So maybe I am worth the trouble.......maybe.

being sick

I have not been feeling well for 2 weeks now, in fact on Saturday night I had such a hard time breathing I actually woke the hubby!! That's a feat in it's self!! he wanted me to go to the emergency room, which I of course would not do!! we had a family gathering on Sunday and i could only look at the new baby nephew from a distance!! a few days ago I was feeling better, but today not so much!!! I wish this would go away!!

I also received a phone call from big sister bears school< seems they may make her move change schools, I certainly hope not, cause that is so not fair, i guess we will wait and see!!!

I'm just really feeling tired today thank goodness there are leftovers, so thats what dinner will be!!