Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Dear Ashton

Dear Ashton,
Today as I walked by the elevators I noticed a girl about your height, with dark hair wearing her P.J's and looking alot like you when you just crawl out of bed.
My heart skipped a beat.
I thought it was you.
Then my heart dropped when I realized it wasn't you.

I miss you, I wish I could talk to you, I wish I could hug you.

I love you more then you'll ever know I hope you read this. I need you to know how much I love you.

Love always,
Mom <3

Sunday, September 9, 2012

it all just hurts too much

there is nothing in this world that compares to the pain my heart is in, if I had known then what I know now how different would my life be?
most days getting out of bed is a struggle, I don't wanna get up, I don't wanna go out I don't wanna do anything. I know this is mainly the depression talking however it is true feelings. I really don't wanna do anything. Most of all I don't wanna live.

The last conversation I had with my oldest daughter ended with me hanging up on her after she told me I should just kill myself cause everyones life would be better. It hurts more then anything to have my own child say that to me. I don't wanna feel this way, but how can I not when my own child feels this way about me.

I don't know if life is worth living I really don't. It seems no one really cares, maybe they would all be better off without me.

Monday, September 3, 2012

now what??

I was 17 when I welcomed the most beautiful little girl into my world, over the last 17 years I have loved this girl uncodtionally. I have fought to keep her in my life. It has come to the point that I have to make desicions to keep the rest of my family safe. it is heart breaking to listen to my other children cry themselves to sleep and sob in thier sleep because of the things thier sister is doing. I just wish things could be different.

Imagaine yourself standing at your child's grave as the casket is lowered and you know you'll never see that child again. Now imagine having to sign over the custody of that sweet child you gave birth to 17 years ago. Only to have that child laugh in your face.

The way it has come about is that my husband and I am honsetly scared for our safety because of the threats being made by both my child and her boyfriend. I sat up all night long crying and trying to figure out what my next step is gonna be. The way I see it is I'm whats keeping my hubby and the other chiuldren from being safe. So the soultion is for me to be gone. There are 3 ways to acheiev that one, is for my life to be over. Another way is for me to cut off Ashton completely. the last option is for me to dissappear. The desicion has been made to cut out Ashton. Therefore I have given up all my rights to her, I no longer have any say in this child.

It's just as well she thinks it's funny, and her Dad lets her run free. Hopefully one day things will change but for right now it is what it is. It breaks my heart to have to go this far, but I MUST keep my other children safe.

Ashton if you read this you can now tell people you don't see your Mom, but you can NEVER say I DON'T LOVE YOU. I will ALWAYS love you I just can't stand by and watch you hurt your siblings any more.