Wednesday, December 29, 2010

betrayal

why is it that just when things seem to be going well, someone has to turn things around and cause trouble?? In this case it is someone who used to be a friend. It hurts because she seems to think it's okay to involve my daughter in EVERYTHING. The first thing she does is run to Ashton and say did you know your mom said this?? what does it concern Ashton?? I want her to stay away from my daughter she says I'm a bad Mom because I don't want my daughter to be around drugs. I wish people would take a look at their own lives before making comments about other people. Take a look at your own kids before you judge!! You do not know everything they are doing you just don't!!!

Things have been going well until today when this said "friend" again involved my daughter in something that has nothing to do with her. I want this person to stay away from Ashton, she really doesn't know whats going on and she thinks she knows best. she doesn't. So just stay away from her. instead she has decided to be "friends" with Ashton's Dad ( she knows everything that happened between Ashton's dad and myself) This to me is the ultimate betrayal. Not to mention the whole thing with her husband when he called me names and I had to apologize but some how he never has!!!

It just isn't fair things were going along nicely!!

I just want her to stay out of my business with my daughter!!!

Monday, December 20, 2010

two down...................

That's two christmas gatherings down and I don't know how many more to go. Every year instead of buying everyone gifts we draw names. Every year I have a hard time getting that gift. I think I did well. I recieved a $40.00 gift certificate for fabricland. I'm so exicited I can't wait to go shopping!!! I also bought a special gift for my parents a recordable book, All The Way I Love You. I then had the children read the book, it was a HUGE hit ( MOm cried, Dad "read" it over and over) I want one but i think it'd be silly to buy one for myself. The way these work is that you open the book to the page you want to read then push the record button and you read the page and push stop. Then when you open the book the recording for that pages plays. Some of the pages were read by all 4 kids, some of them by just the girsl and some by just the boys and each kid read one by themselves.



We have also recieved some great news we will be moving into a three bedroom apartment for feb.1. We are currently living in a two bedroom which means that the boys have a room, J'naya has a room and Jeff and I are sleeping in the dining room!! I can't wait to have my room!!!

Today is also the day that 13 years ago I married my husband, we are still as in love as we were then maybe even more so. We have made it through some very hard times, hopefully those are behind us!! Happy anniversary Jeff here's to 50 more years together!!!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

new places

So we have been in our apartment for 1 month now. I think this move has really been for the better. I love my new job and it really has given me more one on one time with Brycen. Time I never had before. It has been interesting trying to keep him from being bored. We have come up with a few games to play. Our favorite is the dice adding game,e. I tell him which numbers to find and he finds them on the dice and then he adds them up and tells me the total. Not only does he not get bored he's learning too!

We also had a minor accident on Tuesday night, J'naya wanted to "help" me with dinner she wanted to drain the pasta for me. I asked her to wait for me< I'd do it for her. I proceeded to drain the pasta and the pot slipped I ended up with boiling water all down the front of me and J ended up with it all over her feet. Thanks to Tony's fast thinking and our fast un dressing no one was seriously hurt. Although I have a slight burn on my belly.

The other thing that happened was the day Brycen got "caught" ( he was playing in it actually) in the elevator and it went down. Now he knew I was on the second floor and I could hear him screaming no2....2.....2 from inside the elevator it was heart breaking because I could not stop him and make him come back. I stood there waiting for him to come back. He was fine until the door and saw me and he started to cry. we then had a talk about what to do if this happens again, and where to meet so we both know where to go. Some of the floors he can't reach the buttons. It's heart breaking to hear him screaming and not be able to help him.

Other then that it's same ole same ole around here. My biggest beef is that McDonald's still has not paid out my holiday pay and I don't know who to talk to about it!!! Hopefully I can figure this out soon!!!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

hurts


A few years ago, I fell from a ladder and REALLY hurt my back, in fact I think I spent upwards of $400.00 dollars to get it ``fixed`` this week, I turned wrong and felt the pain immediately. I hurt so much there have actually been times when I have cried. However I can`t not work, so off I go. I find as long as I keep moving it hurts but I can keep going. Sitting on the other hand HURTS!!! Sleeping, hurts, standing hurts. it all hurts. I hope it lightens soon. Tylenol and rob ax are my best friends!!

The kids went to see Dr.Dart last week it seems so far all is still good, there is some question about them getting enough water into their bodies. J`naya had a HUGE panic attack when she had to give blood. me being the person I am and having a no nonsense attitude picked her up and took her into the room so she could have blood drawn. I already know she`ll panic so I don`t tell her about the appointment in advance rather I `surprise`her the day of. ( if I were to tell he earlier she would not sleep) she did not want to go first however I knew it would be worse for her to wait till Tony was done so in we went. I always have to hold her done (though she`s getting much stronger) and we drew blood then she was fine!!! Tony went next and did well ( he always does) we just have to do a 24 hour urine to make sure they don`t need an increase in their meds.

The funny thing this week is Brycen`s sudden dislike of broccoli..........however he LOVES broccoli salad now no one tell him how much broccoli is in broccoli salad :-)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I wonder..................

if I had listened how would things be now??

If I had listened to my Mother, where would I be now??
Would I be a nurse that I always longed to be??
(though now I'd LOVE to be a midwife)

If my son hadn't died who would he be??

If my son hadn't died who would I be??

Would I really be a Mother to 5??

would I have been happier??

If I had taken the sleeping pills I was offered when he was born would it have been better for me?? For my family??

It's amazing that things change so much, so quickly. I definitely am NOT the same person I was when I was 17. A perfect example is that I would NEVER allow myself (or my children) to be treated the way I was when I got preggers. I would stand up for myself now!!
When Mackenzie died, I would be more involved in what happened ( I did nothing for his funeral Jeff and my parents did it all and they did a wonderful job I just wish I had been able to add my 2 cents) I would keep him with me longer 6 hours to fill a lifetime of time just is not enough. I would call my brother and sister to the hospital so that they could meet my son, I don't remember if my Dad ever held him but he was there (in fact when Jeff and my Mom left my dad stayed and sat at the foot of my bed until I feel asleep.

Most of all I would have listened to everyone (my husband, my friends, my family and my doctors) when they told me I had a problem and needed help. I would have taken the drugs I was offered and I would have enjoyed my life instead of allowing myself to continue to sink into this deep depression and hurting everyone around me!!!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

HUGE changes


Well since the last time I allowed my depression take over my heart so tightly that I almost lost my life, I have decided that it is time to make some changes to make life better for my family. Here's what has happened since that day. I went to see the phychatrist and she gave me some options to make things better one of the BIG things was the lack of sleep and she suggested that I put Brycen in an afternoon class so I could sleep better!!! I went one better I quit my job ( funny when I wrote that I automatically wrote quilt :-) ), yup no more over nights at McDonald's. Though I really did love my job and the people I worked with!!! However here's what happened. Jeff has been bugging me to move into an apartment for a few months now I kept rejecting the idea saying"but my dog, I don't wanna give up my dog." So after this appointment Jeff again said maybe we should move into something cheaper. I told him to let me think about it and we'd talk again in the am. After he went to work I called to see if there were apartments available in the buildings down the street. While I was asleep on Monday, Jeff not only got us an apartment he also pretty much got me a new job!!

That's right I am on the caretaker in the building it all happened so fast into weeks I quit my job, learned to sleep at night again, gave up my dog and moved!!! It's been crazy, I really didn't want to give up Gracie but I know that this is better for my family. We put up an add on kijiji and got a message from a small dog rescue and after emailing back and forth we decided this was the best option for Miss. Gracie they will screen her new "parents" she will be seen by a vet and be spayed before she's put up for adoption. I didn't want her to go just anywhere and I really didn't want her to go somewhere where they would bread her over and over again to make some money ( she's a purebred miniature daschound) so if we have to give her up and no one in the family wanted another dog then this was the best option. It was hard to let her go but we did it and I know that they will find her a good home. I have been in touch with her foster Mom a few times and it seems Gracie is doing well. I really miss her but I know I have to do what I have to do to make me better.

I start my new job in the morning, I know it will be ALOT of work but it can't be more work then it was at Mc Donald's. I'm really looking forward to it. I will be receiving free rent ( with water and hydro included water and hydro in the house were costing about $750.00 every three months) Free under ground parking and $40.00 for laundry (I have already done $30.00 worth of laundry but then alot of that was from the move) and I will get a pay check every two weeks. This was just to good a deal to pass up. The apartment also has a heated indoor pool which we have already visited 3 times since moving in last Saturday!!! needless to say we won't be living in a house where the basement more or less flooded EVERY TIME it rained, it would just have started to dry out and it would rain again. We also won't have to deal with the washing machine leaking for 7 months with no one ever doing anything about it, ( in fact it was so bad that when you were doing laundry you had to wear shoes down stairs or walk around in the water) or the landlord knocking on the door at 6:30 am or 10:30 pm to collect rent. Everybody is breathing easier ( in Tony's case he really is breathing better for the last few weeks I would make him plug in the vaporizer at night so he could sleep cause he was coughing so badly. The last week he hasn't used it once. J'naya's big concern was that we didn't have a table and chairs to eat dinner at ( our table is WAY to big for an apartment) well we got her a table and chairs it's just a cheap set from walmart but she is thrilled!!! I guess it feels more like home with somewhere to sit to have dinner!

Here's hoping things continue to get better and life gets easier.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

don't throw stones if...............

You live in a glass house!

So yet again it's all my fault after 17 years of friendship, it's over. Some how it's my fault, which I'm so confused about all I know is that this "friend's" husband made some nasty comments to me and I defended myself and then this "friend" lied to me about it. When confronted about the lie it all blew up and no we are no longer friends it seems.

I guess my point about this post is that I will not allow people to continue to drag me down. I need to fix me and fix my relationship with my daughter and that is what I need to focus on. I can't keep worrying about what others think. I have to do whats right.

I fully agree with her though on the subject of Ashton, she is the most beautiful, kind and intelligent girl I know. That doesn't mean that she can be allowed to talk to me the way she has been, I will not allow her to disrespect me and that is something we are working on. I love my daughter and will fight for her just as I always have. No matter who thinks they know better.

Maybe instead of interfering in things that really aren't our problems us as people should worry about the things going on in our own lives and face the reality's in our own lives!!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

updates

It has been a while since I posted because I really didn't know what to say, Well I think things are taking a turn for the better at least for now. Ashton has been coming over a few days a week after school. It has been going okay we have pretty much called a truce and are trying to get things back on track. Hopefully this keeps up. However a few weeks ago things weren't so great and I had to put my foot down, this in turn didn't go over well with her and in turn with some people who I'm still trying to figure out how this became their problem. Long story short I was verbally attacked by a good friends husband then I was lied to by the good friend I was told she didn't know what was being said in the email to me. Turns out she did know what was being said, and she still allowed it to happen. Needless to say I am VERY hurt by the whole thing. I spent the rest of that week dwelling on what was said and what I was called. I care ALOT about what people think about me. I have to work on this.

I also figure I need help so i am now seeing a counselor and a phychatrist, I have double my anti depressants and am taking a sleeping pill. Hopefully with all these things working together I will be able to get things back on track. I want my life back, I want to be happy again. Most of all I want to be here to see my kids grow up and grow old with my husband!!

Friday, October 1, 2010

done


I'm done I can't do this any longer, I don't know whats happening I can't handle this I'm done and I'm sorry. So sorry.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

school

I want to start this post by sayings the kids are going to school and they don't always have the best judgement. So try to stay out of school zones unless you have to be there, and keep your eyes peeled there are kids EVERYWHERE.Please keep our kids safe on the roads!!!!
Yesterday one of the kids was hit by a car right in front of the school when I walked the kids to school the first responders were there. From what we heard he was hit by a car and has a broken leg but will be okay.
Brycen LOVES school, I knew he would. In fact he woke up this am wanting to go to school. It's funny that he did not want to go the first few days in fact he hid his back pack and runners so he wouldn't have to go. now he knows what it's about and he LOVES it!!!!
I think Tony and J'naya are also glad to be back in school and I know I sure am. It's nice to be back in some sort of routine again.Ashton and I had been having a really good week, mainly because I simple refuse to fight with her any longer, then I picked her and a friend up at a cross country practice?? and I was treated with totally disrespect in fact so much so I think her friend was uncomfortable. Simply not okay I took her back to her Dad's immediately and made it clear that it is not okay to treat me like that and will not stand for it. Needless to say she's now not talking to me she didn't come here after school and I have not talked to her yet. So we'll See how long she stays mad. I am her mother and demand the respect I should be treated with and will not accept anything else. However apparently her dad still wants custody but apparently that's more about getting child support from me then anything else which is funny because I offered to give him support money and he said no, and the support I hads been receiving I didn't get it was going straight to Ashton and she was spending it so for the last year he has given support to her not me. You figure it out cause i sure can't!!!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

why can't we all be like dogs???


Really..........we have a dog she's a miniature dapple Dachshund and her name is Gracie a.k.a lovie, her family was giving her up for reasons unknown to me so we had her since March. She was 11 months old when we got her, I'm so GLAD that her family gave her up and chose us as her new family. Now she had some REALLY bad habits when she came the biggest one was her constant barking, but she has really improved.

I love this dog, and it seems she loves me just as much. Everywhere I go there goes my Gracie and it's funny cause she wants to go first, and doesn't always know where to go. If I get up and leave the room you can bet she'll follow me unless someone is holding her and won't let go. She also loves Ashton and J'naya, I think it's cause we're girls and don't rough house as much as the boys do. Since I work overnights and sleep durning the day if she can find me you bet she'll be in bed with me ( same with the cat, the dog sleeps by my legs and the cat sleeps on me)

She's a gentle dag and takes alot of abuse, when we go to my parents place she loves running with my dad's dog Buddy ( he's a beagle) they run so much that Gracie sleeps for hours when she gets home. Like I said she a gentle dog but I think if she felt that we were in trouble I have no doubt she'd put her life on the line. A perfect example is one day when we went out for a walk with her J'naya was carrying the dog ( cause Gracie doesn't have 4 legs to J's 2) and a man got to close to J and Gracie lunged at him. Kinda saying that's my kid get away.

The biggest problems with Gracie are that she still doesn't walk very well and wants to bark at everyone (we're working on that though), ashe doesn't always let us know that she needs to go outside (though she usually messes in the bathroom) and she shreds EVERYTHING I mean EVERYTHING she can get her paws her favor tie thing is full rolls of toilet paper(you can imagine the mess) Over all she's a wonderful dag and we are so glad she's a part of our family!!!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

teen Mom


As a teen Mom I have always not wanted to be your typical teen Mom meaning I have always tried to do things for myself, I lived on my own, I worked, and thankfully I was lucky my Mom was a HUGE help in fact she was my babysitter. I have however given up ALOT. When other people were going to the bar and drinking I was home with my daughter. While other people were parting I was home with my daughter. I wouldn't do it any other way. I love my kids and would do anything for them. However I'm feeling betrayed right now really betrayed.

You see when we were teens we ALWAYS went camping on may long weekend I usually organized it, the year I was expecting i was not invited, in fact it was kept a HUGE secret so that I wouldn't come. That is until I found out by accident and got a last minute invite. Ashton's Dad went I did not. In fact I was friends with all "those" people long before Ashton's Dad was. When I got pregnant most of them turned their backs on me........however most of them are still his friends. Family members are the same way, they won't talk to me but they talk to him. It wasn't just me that had a baby it was both of us.

Now the betrayal has gotten worse, she moved in with him. For 14 years every second weekend she went to his house for the weekend. Since she moved in with him she hasn't spent the weekend with me. Apparently the problem is that I don't spend my time with only her. Huh where am I supposed to leave the other kids??? When I do spend time only with her, she spends her time talking to "his" friends and I sit alone among strangers. But wait it gets worse.

He wants to know if he's listed as her dad on her birth certificate.........ummmmm yup your her Dad.

He wants custody..................... I have other kids......................ummmmm it doesn't hurt less because I have other kids...............I have lost another child...................I am now a baby loss momma and a teen loss momma.....................I don't know what hurts more........................I'm so sad and so alone.........................


I want my babies back............I love them and this isn't fair!!!!!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

cancer

Our son Brycen has Petechiae
(Petechiae, also called petechial hemorrhage or rash, are small red spots on the skin caused by broken capillary blood vessels. The blood collects under the tissue and appears as tiny dots (usually the size of a pinpoint).

They can come from coughing, vomiting or minor trauma. They may also develop due to thrombocytopenia (low platelet count) which is the reason someone with leukemia may have them. Some medical treatments, such as radiation and chemotherapy, also cause petechial hemorrhage. )

on his right arm, his left leg, and his right ankle. He was taken in to the hospital. Here's what happened. Friday he showed me his arm and asked me if he had bug bites on his arm. I looked at his arm and yup misquote bites all over his arm. Yesterday in the car I hear him talking to Tony about the bug bites on his arm to which Tony replies man those are not bug bites. At this point I look at his arm and see the Petechiae now we are talking like 30 tiny blood spots not 1 or 2. I start to panic you see a friend found out her son had leukemia after finding Petechiae on her son. I tell Jeff we won't worry about it and take him to his doctor on Monday morning. After a while I text a friend and she suggests calling health links. I'M SCARED!!!! VERY SCARED!!! Every time we have been on the wrong side of the odds it has turned out bad. We sat there for 4 hours sure that he was gonna have cancer. He was tested for leukemia. Thankfully it came back normal. Now we have now idea what is causing the Petechiae, and it means his platelets aren't working normally. Normally when a person's small blood vessels burst ( this is what happened to Brycen) the platelets rush to the area and stop the bleeding. This didn't happen for Brycen. I forgot to ask how long before the spots clear up I was just so relieved that he does not have cancer.

Makes me wonder is this because I was rearended last week?? I didn't even think of that when I was with the Doctor.

Finally God said yes and allowed my child to be okay!!!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

an owl in the house



It's been a while since I posted mostly because things with Ashton seemed to be getting worse instead of better. I didn't want to post all the things going wrong so I just didn't post. Anyhow things seem to have taken a turn for the better here's hoping anyway.

In the past few weeks we have done a few things of interest we spent the day at fun mountain water sliding it was TONS of fun. Sadly Ashton did not join us. We went camping with my family, My parents, my sister Kathleen and her hubby Jake, My brother Alfred and his wife Heather and their little guy Owen and of course my family the whole family. Ashton joined us and even though it rained and rained and rained we had fun. My Dad brought a MONSTER trap and the boys ( Jeff, Alfred and Jake) were instructed to string it up. It was a weekend saver. Owen ate everything he could that little guy sure can pack it away!!!

I haven't as of yet announced my most exciting news I'm gonna be an Auntie again. My sister is now 17 weeks pregnant so a new little one will be joining our family sometime in late January ( I personally think it will be sooner so we'll see) I also think it will be a girl!!

this morning we were awoken by a noise form the back entrance way which is across the hall from our bedroom, by the cat chasing an owl. Yup I said owl. here's what happened. through out the night we could hear noises in the house we both thought the cat was getting herself into trouble. Finally at 6 we went to check it out imagine our surprise to find an owl sitting on the dresser in the entrance. We look at each other and Jeff says what will we do now?? i say to him easy we'll get a blanket and throw blanket over it and take it back outside. Oh and by we I mean you. So in goes Jeff he throws the sheet and the owl moves. He comes back to the door now the owl is sitting on top of J'naya's bed it is standing in there up right (she moved into Ashton's room and is using Ashton's bed) so he throws the sheet again an again misses this time the owl flies at him nd he screams at me and ducks. I'm standing on the other side of the closed door. Finally he comes back out of the room and says, I'm gonna open the door and hopefully get it to fly out. This worked the owl landed on the floor he was able to throw the sheet over the bird and drag it outside when he lifted the sheet it flew away. Sadly I didn't take a picture. However Jeff and I work really well together. Especially when we means he ;-)

Friday, August 6, 2010

fabric friday

I've decided to start a new thing called "fabric Friday" it will be an update of the fabric I played with this week so here it is!!


This is a quilt I have started for my Mom the question is do I add the white or not??




Today was the last day of VBS (vacation Bible school) for the kids Brycen attended once but then said he didn't like it so he didn't go back that and the fact that he really hasn't felt well this week. So much so that he did not have his tooth pulled this week. Anyhow we had to bike to drop the kids off and to pick them up well on the way home after dropping the kids off we saw this puddle:


and this is what happened ( sorry it's blurry I REALLY need a new camera)


When I asked him why he was riding through the puddle his reponse was " Mom I had to it was calling my name." How do you argue with that???

Have a great fabric Friday everyone!!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

angel momma's

I'm sad to say that the newest member to the angel Momma group is a 15 year old girl. I'm so sad for her, no one should be a part of this group musch less at 15.

Tomorrow is the "big" day the tooth is being pulled I hope it all goes well, I've taken to sleeping upsatirs in Ashton"s room and let me tell you the sleep has been WAY better. I may sleep up there from now on!!!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

randomness


Well I feel like my world is slowly falling apart, it has not been a good few weeks. I have discovered a few things, one I comfort eat, Yup lots of ice cream. What can I say at least I don't comfort drink. The comfort eating stops today. I can't keep this up. I feel sad all the time so much so that I have increased my anti depressants. However none of this has really helped my Daughter still won't talk/text/see me and she's still not home. I have been called a b**** by all of my in laws and I didn't do this. Why is it that the person or people responsible for this mess are being comforted and I am being punished? Really I feel like locking myself in the house and NEVER coming out again.

Again I have a family to protect and will do EVERYTHING in my power to do so. DO i regret what I did. Nope I'd do it again. If you choose to be involved in illegal activities then stand up and take the punishment. In fact I don't care who it is if it had been one of my siblings and not an in law I would have done the same thing. This is my daughters life and NOTHING is more important.

So because of everything happening over here, I have been thinking ALOT about pay it forward. You see there are always consciences to our actions be it good or bad. So as I slowly try to put my life back together I wonder what kinds of things have to done to pay it forward? They can be big things or small things but I wonder where are the good things people are doing???

These next few weeks I'm gonna make a bigger effort to pay it forward.

So besides all the drama there have been some other life things going on. Recently the left side of Brycen's face randomly swells. Well it all started one afternoon when he would randomly start yelling my tooth hurts it really really hurts. Now he wasn't feeling well, he was sleepy and running a fever so I figured he was coming down with something, we gave him Tylenol and let him nap all day and even orejeled his mouth to keep him happy. The next day he went to Grandma and Grandpa's for a sleep over and my Mom commented that his face was swollen. I really didn't think much of it after all he is a boy in every sense of the word. Then it would randomly swell and 2 weeks ago he suddenly came to me and told me he had something on his gums. We took him in to see the dentist and the tooth has to be pulled he has an impacted tooth so this weds. he will have it pulled or at least they will try without having to put him to sleep. I hope it works and doesn't hurt to much.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

it's pouring again....

I sit here in the dark in a house where everyone is sleeping.....everyone expect me that is. I am now not only missing one child but two. Every day that we are apart my heart breaks a little more. This time I am not separated by death but by space. My oldest beautiful daughter has moved across town in with her Dad. This was a decision made by all her parents (myself, Jeff and her Daddy) all in an effort to keep her safe. You see we found out about somethings that have been happening right under our noses and they are bad. So to keep her safe we made the decision that she should live with her Dad. Now I slowly die as she lives somewhere else. How do I keep it together? I count the days till I see her. Miss her so much.

To top it off I have people who have decided to involve themselves in my life and her life that really have no business being there. Then lie about what they did all in an effort to make me look bad. Not only that but the people who should be helping keep my kids safe have decided to do what they want and put my children in danger. This means that these people can no longer be around my babies I will not let you hurt them. I feel so alone, I have no friends to talk to, I have reached out to few with no response and I hurt so much. I don't know how to get through this.

Even as I slowing hurt to death knowing my baby is sleep across town and I don't know when I'll see her again I know this is the best for her. I will do ANYTHING to keep her safe.

Ashton if you read this I love you so much Know that this is for you not anyone else. I wanted you before you where born, I wanted you when you threw up all over me as an infant. I wanted you when you were a naughty toddler. I wanted yo when you didn't come home on the bus and sent us into a panic in grade school. I wanted you when you told me you hated me as a preteen. And I want you now NOTHING can ever make me hate you I just want you to be safe.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.



Happy birthday to my angel baby Mackenzie Wade, have a great 12 th birthday I love you and miss you lots!!

she did it!!!


Ashton finished Jr. High. Yesterday was grade 9 grad. As we sat in the gym for her Grad I was sad. Sad that not only is another chapter done and gone. But that the last year has been so hard for her. She left all her friends in her old school moved to a new city and started all over again. It has been anything but easy for her. I'm so sorry that it was this hard and I wish it wasn't. Regardless she's done, things will only get better now!!!

Tomorrow is 12 years, 12 years since our world changed so much. It's amazing that someone so small, who never made a sound changed everything that is!!!

Friday, June 25, 2010

what???

So there are only 5 days until Mackenzie's 12 birthday, that's 12 years that I didn't get. I try really hard not to dwell on the fact that I didn't get them, instead it's 12 years that he's gotten to spend with the Lord!!! Wow what a lucky boy, one day I will get to meet him, yup meet him, you see I've never seen his eyes, I've never heard him cry. As I write this the tears stream down my face.

I love him and I miss him.

Alright, I actually got up and walked away I don't want this to be a sad post, it's not like that, I've worked REALLY hard at this. There have been alot of lessons in this the most important one is that I don't have control, these are not my children they are only borrowed to me and when their maker sees fit they are his to take home. Does this mean I'd like to lose more children. That would be a resounding NO!!! Children SHOULD not die before their parents. Or maybe us as parents are selfish and don't want them to go first because we don't want to bear the pain??? If we die before our children they the bear the pain instead of us?? I love my kids, I would do anything for my children, if I had to give my life so my kids would be healed I would in a heart beat. I wish I could have the disease instead of them, I wish it was me being poked and prodded every few months instead of them. I wish I was gone instead of my Mackenzie but that's just not how it is. He's gone, Nothing can bring him back. Trust me I would jump at the chance for just one hug, just to hold him in my arms are tell him how much I love him and have him hear me!! Which brings me to my point I have one child in heaven but I have 4 here do I tell them I love them???? Not Nearly enough!!! They are here. I should hug them and tell them ALL the time!!! I should be shouting it from the roof tops!!


After losing Mackenzie the verse John 3:16 For God SO loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whose so ever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life. has had a profound effect on me you see I would not allow my son to die for people who hated me and yet that's what God has done for us. He allowed his only son to die so that we could be with him one day. This brings me full circle. My son is so lucky, he spends everyday walking the streets of gold, spending time in the presence of the Lord. One day I to will join him, what a Day that will be!!!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

the long month

So the month is almost over and what a long month it's been, A quick update an things happening around here. I walked off my job at 1 am one night, determined not to go back. I did go back, here's why I left, I feel like my manager bullies me. It's not that I don't want to work "under" her it's just that she seems to think it's okay for her to make us do things that she doesn't want to do. Or get upset at us for things that aren't really things to be mad about. That night I had, had enough!!! An example of what's been happening, one night she lost her keys, so none of us were allowed to have the other set that was floating around, here's the problem with that the fridge and freezer are locked, I needed to get breakfast ready, everything is in the fridge and freezer. Breakfast was late because she wouldn't give us keys. Guess where the keys were.......you in her pocket. Or the night that someone puked in the sink in the bathroom, the person who was supposed to clean it up has a weak stomach so I did it for him (no weak stomach here) I got in trouble. It seems once every week or two I go home crying and I hate it!!! It's just simple things but it's ALL the time, in fact there is a blow up there just under the surface, I narrowly avoided a blow up this am. It's bound to happen again. I did go back for two reasons one because I need to work, two because they called me and I was able to talk to someone so we will see what will happen.

An update on CFS, it seems it was a welfare check on Ashton, she had been VERY sick that week and missed the whole week of school, so they wanted to make sure that all was well. However the dining room was a HUGE mess, we had water in the basement and EVERYTHING had to be washed and dried and brought upstairs, that has since been fixed, it seems that's how it ALWAYS happens. Anyhow they could see that Ashton was okay meaning we hadn't beaten her and were now trying to let her heal, was really was sick, in fact we had taken her to the doctor and the E.R. She ended up on a prescription cough syrup to help her clear everything up, and she is finally feeling 100 percent again. It took almost 2 weeks, I think alot of this was stress. You see her friend just found out she pregnant at 15. Ashton was the person she turned to so Ashton kept her secret. I just don't know how that is gonna work out, she's only 15 and her boyfriend is 20, it all seems so crazy. However I have used this a a perfect opportunity to have the "talk" again with Ashton. I was a teen Mom and I worry ( I was 17, I couldn't imagine doing it at 15)

The other thing happening this month is Mackenzie's birthday just 6 more days and it to will be over and the stress around here will elevate for another year. I don't know how to explain the feeling theres a pit in my stomach and it grows over the month until his birthday and then all is better again.

Today is the day I became an auntie to a beautiful little boy 12 years ago, just 6 days before our beautiful angel grew his wings. So tomorrow will be 12 years since Mackenzie and Austin had their first and only fight. Mackenzie was still on the inside and I was holding Austin and he was resting on my tummy Mackenzie kicked him and he didn't like it. Just one of my few memories.

Friday, June 11, 2010

what a week

What a week, first I walk out on the job. ( I have since gone back) I'm not really sure how long this will last!! Ashton has been VERY sick. We had a visit from child and family services. I apparently can't do anything right. I asked my Mom if I'm really that bad of a Mom her response I don't know. I feel like giving up, I feel sad. Why is this happening over and over again. For the record, I love my kids, I would do anything for them, I just want everyone to leave us alone and stop picking on me.

I'm just so sad !!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

she's feeling better

It's been a touch crazy around here, I have 48 umbrella blocks due on a swap and I broke my sewing machine that's right folks broke it. Now it needs to go to the doc to be fixed, so I have to go over to my Mom's to use hers it has been a HUGE challenge, when I'm home I'm sleeping or the hubby is working and he has the car making the 15 minute trip to my Mothers impossible!!

On my Sunday night shift I walked off my job at 1 am, I just can't handle feeling like I'm being bullied by my manager and I'm a little tired of watching her bully everyone else too!!! I'm still not 100 percent sure what to do about this, I guess time will tell. I do know that I won't do this much longer!!

Lastly all the kids have been sick except J'naya. Tony spent all afternoon on Friday lying on the sofa and throwing up. Brycen spent Friday afternoon crying, not just a little cry but full force crying nothing I did made it better. He kept saying his tooth hurt, so I checked his tooth to see if I could see a cavities, nothing everything looked fine, so I took him to the bathroom and brushed his teeth it didn't help. So I spent the afternoon sitting next to him and rubbing his back, and trying ti get his fever under control. The next day he had a hard spot on his cheek and his cheek was swollen, but not his gums or anything on the tooth he said hurt.


Finally since Sunday Ashton has been sick, nausea, headache and fever she has been MISERABLE. However because she's not feeling well it has been quiet. Last night we did a quick trip to the E.R and then decided once we got there that it would take to long so we went home. Today I phoned and made an appointment with the doctor. She says she doesn't need to go, in fact got upset, well she's going!!!

Saturday, May 29, 2010

why???

I just heard of another baby that was born still this week, it really makes me think why???

I have to wonder why all the pain for these angel mommies? It's just not fair. I wish I could hug these Moms and tell them it will be okay, but the truth is it's just not okay, it's not okay that us Mommies are here and babies aren't. Why is it fair that someone can have thier baby and abuse it and us who would love our babies and care for them don't get to have them.

Sometimes I wish I could ask God why?? Why our babies??

I want to hug my baby and tell him how much i love him and miss him!!! It brings me back to the lyrics of this song::

Still
by Sarah Folden
I’ve been waiting for you for such a long time;
you’re always on my mind.
And I’m lying awake,
most of the night,
waiting to hold you tight.

Lost in time,
lost in space,
can’t wait to see your face.
Now that I do
and look at you,
my heart is breaking,
this can’t be true.

Close to my heart,
close to my soul,
right from the start.
Lost you before I found you,
gone before you came,
but I love you just the same.
Missed you before I met you,
but in heaven we will meet again.
.

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do,
with this pain that I am going through,
but I know one day,
God will take me away
and I’m coming home to you.
And when I do and look at you,
my heart is healing,
I know its true;
In heaven we’ll meet again.


Yup I have more kids and yup I understand that they are here and I love them but I can't help but long for my Mackenzie and everytime I hear that another Mommy is going through a loss I feel for her, and I hurt with her! I wish I could make it stop, but I can't all I can say is I'm here and I know how you feel like only another Mommy to another baby angel can and I'm so very sorry you have to go through this!!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

it's a great day!!


It's a great day to be alive!!!!

Okay I don't usually feel that way and I haven't slept yet!!! Anyhow I have one more overnight shift left then a 3 day holiday, Tomorrow afternoon we have a play date in Selkirk with friends ( see notes on walls/ doors/ fridges really do work I didn't forget.) I made the mistake of telling Brycen about his play date.... uummmmmm yep how do say never tell a 5 year old who has no concept of time that a play date is on Friday when it's only Monday!!! I have been asked several times a day since then if we were going yet!!! He'll be happy to hear tomorrow it's finally the day!!!

This a.m. Brycen and i took a little stroll over to the nearby " shopping strip" ( I use the term lightly as there are only like 3 shops) and shopped a little but we were walking so it couldn't be tons, but it was nice to do something other then sit around at home!!!
We then played outside for a while, I really want to hang out the laundry but CANNOT find a downy ball so how/when do i add fabric softener??? Anyway I then got the bright idea to set up the camper to air it out after a few attempts I had to call the hubby and get some pointers it is now set up!!! But not "safe" to go into and I give up so the hubby will have to fix it!!

On a some what sad note 9 for the kids anyway ) the trampoline has finally said enough it ripped and some of the springs have come off, it is not even close to safe so it will be coming down Friday when me and the hubby are both off, it will however be replaced by something safer say a sand box??? We will have to wait and see!!

The other happening is that we found out that Miss. J has been flushing her meds rather then taking them that's right folks first she was hiding them around the house but we got wise to that now Jeff caught her slipping them into her sleeve and excusing herself to use the potty, We have to sit right next to her and make sure she takes them and EVERY time she cries and carries on I understand they taste bad but really the alternative is a transplant, I don't think she gets how serious this is!!! Oh what to do!!!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

My Baby

The night before I was taking Brycen in for his shots, I realized really this is pretty much the last "baby" thing, He's riding a 2 wheeler, he can write his name, he doesn't use a sippy cup. It's a little sad my baby isn't really a baby anymore........Where did the time go??

He did really well at the doc, he wasn't impressed about getting shots and we didn't warn him in advance. He did NOT like having to undress in front of a stranger, he did however and I explained that it was okay with the doctor and I would be there the whole time he didn't really relax but he did it, then he saw the needles and he started to cry, well not really cry but sort of whimper. He was okay, I think he was more scared of the UN known and once it was done he was okay. After in the hallway he looked at me and said "mom I was brave right I only cried a little bit" then we raced Daddy down the stairs ( Daddy took the elevator) and we beat him and all was forgotten. We then went to the store and got him some candy!!!

Needles to say it seems my baby isn't such a baby anymore and we are closing one chapter in our lives and moving on to a new one!!!

I can't wait for the good things that are yet to come!!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

my sewing machine

I haven't spent very much time with my sewing machine lately oh wait I barely spend time with anyone, it's hard to work this shift I don't get much sleep and when I do try to sleep the family keeps waking me (ie. yesterday when they were all mad at each other and slamming doors) so yup I don't see many people and on top of that I have this horrible chest cold and at times couldn't talk. I still had to work so even though I feel like pooh there I am working. I also haven't talked to my Mom in a while, a quick call to say happy Mom's day and that was it. This month is really hard Jeff is working 7 am to 3 pm, so our shifts over lap and the only time I really see him is in the am when he stops in to buy a coffee and on the drive to work in the pm. By the time he comes home I'm really tired and ready for bed, in fact so tired that I forgot to lay out the kids meds yesterday and they didn't take them. Jeff has no idea who gets what!!! So yup spending time with my sewing machine becomes a back burner thing, but I promised myself that I would make time for me and I have signed up to do an umbrella swap with one of my yahoo groups and I signed up for a double batch so instead of making 24 I'll be making 48 so a good time to pull out the machine and do something for me!!

The other thing I just haven't gotten around to is making the appointment for Brycen to get his 5 year shots, finally did that too he's gonna hate me once we're done but it's gotta happen I'm sure he'll get over it! It's hard to have to go somewhere and do things that will "hurt" but it's gotta be done. Can we say bribe???

Sunday, May 9, 2010

wow I feel awful

For the last week I have been battling this horrible chest cold. It's been weird one day I feel fine the next day I feel awful, it kind of started with a sore throat and has slowly gotten worse, today I can hardly talk and the worse part yup I work tonight. I hope I'm in the kitchen cause how will I take orders? It's been good for the kids cause I can't yell, no I really mean I CANNOT yell. I'm thinking they are purposely trying to make me yell so it will get worse. Oh well this to shall pass.

Yesterday we had a small accident J'naya had Gracie on her leash when Tony decided that they should race. Well a kid runs in front of Gracie and she takes off, so this caused J'naya to become unbalanced and she fell and scraped her face on the drive way. Needless to say there was blood and alto of pain, in fact she was up crying at night about the pain. We have been putting polysporin on it in an effort to keep it clean, I just hope it doesn't scar.

We also had a fun afternoon outside yesterday alot of fun was had by everyone. I can only hope the fun continues the last few summers have sucked, finding out about the Ph1 and the crazy landlady issues. We have a few fun things planned for the summer and hopefully the all pan out.

Today being Mother's day I think that most of the family has forgotten about the day, I'm currently home alone and I'm okay with that maybe I can get some sleep so I can spend some time with the family later. I am also trying not to focus on the fact that one of my children is with her Dad and another one is dead. Instead I'm trying to remember that I have 3 kids here (hopefully the 4Th one comes home later) and they are my pride and joy!!!



Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Ph 1

The kids had their check ups and ultrasounds. In august when Tony had an ultrasound there was spot in his right kidney that looked like it may be a stone. It wasn't shadowing the way stones normally do, so this time the spot was still their but still not shadowing so they have decoded it is not a stone. This means both children are currently stone free. The good news just keeps coming the meds have finally been tweaked enough that they both had good levels. So far so good, as long as we drink LOTS of water and keep taking the meds.

I was so excited to finally get my benefits package so off to the drugstore I go, now I new that the b6 would not be covered and I also new the "new" drug vitamin d wouldn't be covered either but I was sure the K-citra would just because it used to be, Nope I was wrong we now have to pay out of pocket for all of it. It is quite costly, the vitamin D has 100 tablets in the bottle this will last 25 days and costs about $10.00 a bottle (now I could get a cheaper version of this but I opted to get the chocolate flavored chewable ones because the other meds are so big and taste horrible.) the B6 is also roughly $10.00 and has 100 tablets in a bottle but together the kids take 7 of these a day so the bottle will last about 14 days. Lastly there is the K-citra and this is the one that used to be covered and no longer is the cost of these is about $38.00 for a one month supply per child. That's a grand total of $107.00 dollars a month. That's alot now I try to remember that these things are keeping the kids healthy and there for I am VERY thankful that we know about the problem and that the kids a responding to the treatment otherwise we would have some VERY sick kids on our hands!!!



The photo above is the dose of meds that Miss.J takes everyday the smaller ones on the left are the B6 she takes 400mg.and Tony takes 350 once a day, the middle ones are HUGE she takes 2 of these in the morning and two at supper (these are the K-citra) She HATES taking these because they are hard to swallow and they cannot be broken in half or crushed because they will cause ulcers if we do. The ones on the right are the new vitamin D they are a favorite because they taste like chocolate. I try to get them to take them last so that they will "wash" away the taste of the other meds!!!

Monday, May 3, 2010

another weekend busted!!


This weekend once again started with the disappearance of a certain Teen, I'm so at a loss I just don't know according to her and her Daddy I'm being totally un reasonable. So Friday She was to babysit for me so that I could sleep for a few hours, I woke up to all the kids home and Ashton gone. She finally came home after a few hours. Then Friday night she went to her aunt's which I was okay with at least I trust her aunt. Well she then went to her Dad's and from there to her grandparents. Then she "arrange" to meet up with her friend again. She called and told me she'd be home by 5 at 5:20pm she still wasn't home low and behold she was on her way to pick up yet another Friend to have a sleep over at my house. Apparently her father can now give her permission to have sleepovers at my House??? needles to say I have spent another weekend ruled by her, I'm so done in fact she has been sent to Grandma's house for the week. Hopefully this will give both her and I a break so that we can both think this through.

I get it she's a teen but really spending EVERY waking moment out with friends isn't an option either there has to be boundaries. I am concerned that she'll get in trouble and something bad will happen. I love her and I just want her to be safe.


This weekend I also did something that I really needed to do and haven't done since we moved (yup have felt ALOT of guilt about it to) I went to the cemetery to see Mackenzie. Part of my visit was because of Patches ( becasue tha hyper link doesn't EVER work for me) he's traveling Canada and the U.s to visit bereaved parents and he showed up on my door step so we went for a road trip I'll let the pics tell the story:


Patches had to stop for a "cafine fix"

Then on to see Mackenzie

Then he visited Daniel the angel baby on Mackenzie's right


and Jonathan who is to Maceknzie's left these are the only 3 babies buried here.

then he hung out on Mackenzie's windchime I heard babies sleep better if they can hear windchimes so I always make sure that theres one there for him.



Then it was over to Santiago whose is a very close friends angel baby.

Then of course we had to stop for slurpees.




and to hald moon for lunch where he posed with my rainbow babies.



\

and home again where he hung out with the angels that sit on top of the computer desk where Mackenzie's picture proudly hangs!!!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

i want to be left alone

I just want to be left alone, I'm tired of fighting EVERYONE!!
I'm tired of being told that my house is to dirty, I'm tired of not being good enough, I'm tired of fighting Ashton and her Dad, and Ashton and my Mom and Ashton and my sister.

I'm tired so please leave me alone.

I get it I'm not a good enough house keeper,
I'm not a good enough daughter in law,
I'm not a good enough mother,
I'm not a good enough wife,
I'm not a good enough daughter.

Don't worry I really do get it so please, please just leave me alone!!!

Friday, April 23, 2010

birthdays, birthdays and more birthdays

This week was Brycen's birthday, he turned 5, when we got pregnant we weren't intending to, we were discussing having a 4 child but had come up with LOTS of reasons not to. (in our defence the only child we planned to get pregnant with and by planned I mean decided to get pregnant this month so that the baby would be born when we wanted and actually tried to get pregnant. We miscarried at 8 weeks and were heartbroken)

The miscarriage happened April 23 , 1999 10 months after the loss of Mackenzie, we have named this baby Alexander Joshua just because I need to. It was a Wednesday night I was home alone Jeff and Ashton went to Awana ( a children's bible club) we knew something was wrong I had started spotting on Sunday spent Monday at the doctors stayed on bed rest for the rest of Monday and Tuesday, went back to work Wednesday the spotting started again and we had an emergency ultrasound on Wednesday lost the baby wendeady night home all by myself. I went back to work the next day, then on Friday Jeff had a planned men's retreat weekend I dropped him off with his uncle then went to the cemetery and sat with Mackenzie and Cried. Normally the owner of the cemetery would come over and chat I guess he realized I needed to be alone, I don't know how long I sat there but I did finally go home. in that moment I had once again lost all my hopes and dreams for my family I was now a dead baby Momma times two and EVERYONE knew we were expecting now we had to tell them that yet again i had failed and the baby was dead. We did not want to try again, we were gonna start the pill the next month, I had to go in and have an ultrasound again to make sure the baby was totally gone, at this ultrasound there was nothing all though the tech said at the last ultrasound there had been two sacks ( what does that mean was it twins???) now nothing and she showed me where I was gonna ovulate from next month (this happens to be Tony) yup we got pregnant again before I could start the pill.

Maybe this is why I have been feeling down in the last few days it has been 12 years since i lost my third baby.

Okay so this started as a post of Brycen's birthday and has somehow turned into Alex's birth story it amazes me that I can miss people that I don't know so much.

We did not plan to get pregnant but we did Brycen's pregnancy was the hardest. I had gestational diabetes I had to test my sugars 4 times a day ( it was VERY expensive) I had to inject insulin twice a day. I had a fetal assessment every week on the same day I could change the time but not the day. We had to see how fast he was growing i was So scared after an UN explained stillbirth and now the diabetes I didn't like the odds of my change for another loss. At 26 weeks I had the stomach flu it was so bad I couldn't keep anything down and ended u in the hospital hooked up to an I.V. and having had a shot of Demerol because I couldn't sleep and was having constant contractions. Once re hydrated my contractions stopped and I was allowed to go home ( since it was Easter Sunday , we went to my Mom and Dad's place the family Had dinner and I took gravel and slept That is the only year I have not had to hunt for my Easter bunny) Needless to say the next week I spent getting ready for this baby I made PILES of food for the freezer so once he came I didn't have to worry about dinners. At 37 weeks the doctor thinned my membranes at my appointment and I started contracting and since I had an induction scheduled for the next week I thought nothing of it. That was on til I talked to a friend and told her what had happened and she informed me that everyone she knew that had had that done had their babies that day. I had been having contractions all day from the time of my appointment but had brushed them off after all I was only 37 weeks. Well I started to pay attention and guess what yup a pattern. I called my Mom and told her I think I'm in labour and the panic began. I lived roughly 1.5 hours from the hospital I was to deliver in and a good 20 inutes from the closet hospital, I was home alone with the other children (3 of them ages 3, 5, and 9) and I did not have a car. Of course Mom says you have to call Jeff so i do and he wants to come home. I tell him not to because I am not known for quick labours. I realize that I have to lead singing at church on Sunday so I call the women how offered to sing for me if Ineeded. she laughs at me because i am worried about this while in labour. My Mom phones every few minutes to make sure things are okay. She wants to come get me and take me to her place. I would rather stay home and labour at home. Finally she convinces me that my sister come stay at my house just in case ( she had an exam the next day and needed to study and wanted to be in delivery with us along with my sister in law) she comes over and studies in my bedroom I go about doing everything I normally do. At one point J'naya had an accident in her pants and I have to clean up the mess, dunning a contraction that at this point is making me catch my breath. I decided to do laundry putting the laundry basket on the floor by my feet so that I have to bend down and pick up each piece to fold it, my sister comes out and yells at me telling me she'll carry it to the table so that I don't have to bend down to which I in from her I did this on purpose if this is gonna happen might as well help it along.

Finally I inform my sister that I think my water broke (all my babies have come within 30 minutes of my water breaking so now everyone is panicked ) she phone my parents to let them know the kids are coming I phones Jeff and tell him to meet us at my Mom's I think my Mom phoned my brother and sister in law. When we get to my parents Jeff is already there. He doesn't want me to go inside my parents meet us in the driveway and they are all trying to push me into the van. I inform them that need to go to the bathroom and am not leaving till I have done so. You should have seen that panic on my Mom's face ( she was at the birth of the other children she knows how quickly this can happen once my water breaks, and he had my sister in 45 minutes and almost didn't make it to the hospital) I go in and use the bathroom and when I come out there they all are standing around waiting for my I start laughing while holding on to the wall cause it hurts. They weren't happy that I was still there. I go get in the van and we head for the hospital.

My sister in law, sister and Jeff are all there, my water has not broken. I walk the halls ane tell the nurse not to ask me about pain meds because i don't want them and if asked I will change my mind and I really don't want them I can do this. At some point it is decided that my sister in law will go home but Kathleen stays. Jeff and Kathleen laugh and joke ( mainly about messing with my bed) the contractions are getting VERY close and VERY hard every time a contraction starts I start crying not really crying but the tears start streaming. I realize that Jeff and Kathleen are suddenly quiet. Jeff finally says i can't do this anymore and asks the nurse for and epidural, the epi arrives quickly and I feel much better. In the am I A.M. getting Close Jeff calls Heater and lets her know that if she still wishes to be at the birth she better hurry. Heather comes back and at 10:38 am our beautiful little boy comes into the world screaming, this is the first time Jeff has seen a baby actually born (he doesn't do blood and guts well) as this was his last chance to watch his child enter the world. Kathleen has tears running down her face and Heather looks amazed. They all take turns holding him and I watch ( I always get the shakes really badly in the final stages of labour). Suddenly there is a phone call and the nurse comes in and tells Kathleen that her Mom is here does she want to step out and talk to her I inform her that this is also my Mom can she bring the kids up and meet their new brother and grandson The nurse tells me that if it's okay with me it's okay with her. I ask that a blanket get thrown over that bed so the kids don't get scared by the blood and in they come. It was a short visit but they al got a chance to meet him. Then things quiet down and I am left alone with my new son and the nurse. I get moved to my room and I here the nurse tell nurse on the postpartum ward that she's bringing over a Mrs. Reimer but no worries she's very expericned and knows what she's doing ( you think this is baby number 5 ;-) )

Brycen Cole was born April 19, 2005 at 10:38 am weighing in at 8 lbs. 7 0z. and cute as a button.


My Mom says that God gave us Brycen because he knew we had hard times coming and we would need something to laugh at and i think she's right he's ALWAYS doing something to make us laugh ( however we won't go into the things that he does to scare us like poisoning himself and putting a button up his nose!!! for more baby bear stories click on baby bear)

We love our babybear a.k.a stink or Brycen.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

the scare of my life

The kids have had run of this house long enough, the decsion has been made that things WILL change.
I knew yesterday that when it was announced that things would change that it was gonna be bad, I just didn't realize how bad. You see Ashton was REALLY mad over the change infact so mad that she ran away. Yup she ran away she snuck out of the house and took off, for a while I was able to follow her, but she had an unfair advantage, she was by herself I had J'naya and Brycen with me and I could only move so fast. At some point I lost her (or she lost me depending on how you look at it). Now in order to file a missing persons report, you have to look every where you think your child will hve gone. I did that infact some of the places were visited a few times by myself and other people who were looking. I had a good idea of where she might have headed. Turns out I was right, I just wasn't there the same times she was. Ashton was gone for 4 and a half hours...... The longest 4 and a half hours of my life. You see we haven't lived in the city very long, There are some questionable characters on our street and I just wasn't convinced she was gonna come home. I'm happy to report that she is home and she is safe.

These are the new rules laid out yesterday, 2 nights a week with a friend ( she was spending every waking moment out with her friends) in the house by 10 pm, no phone calls or internet after 10pm. Lights out at 11pm on school nights. (she was staying up till 3 am on school nights) these new rules were laid out in a clam setting needless to say they were not well recived. These rules don't just allpy to one child but to all of them. Infact Tony will also be signed up for Tae kwon doe to see if we can instill some self control and teach some respect. I'm scared of some of the deiscions he has been making and hopefully we can get him back on the right track before it gets really bad. He's not happy about this!!

Now this is not all the kids fault some of it is our fault (Jeff and myself) we have just been WAY to easy with the rules and pretty much letting them get away with things they shouldn't and that is mainly becasue of guilt.
Things have to change we have to gain back control and are gonna do it, regradless of yesterdays events the rules stand.

The other thing that REALLY bothers me is the Mother in law, while I was out she came here and was cleaning my house No one was home. She's embrassed by how "messy" my house is, um hello I have 4 kids and I work over nights yup sometimes I don't feel like cleaning nor do I believe children should not be allowed to play so yup sometimes there's toys on the floor. Most times my house isn't spotless but nor is it a sty. I am not a stay at home home who simply cleans all the time, but if you don't like the place the way it is don't come over I'm so tired of being judged by everyone.

My kids are my proity today being a prime example, yup I could be in the house cleaning but I chose to go outside and play with the kids. Once they are grown I'll worry about having a spotless house. Actually proablly not I'll have Grand babies and I'll worry about spending time with them!!!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

ph1, the dog , ants and family dinners




Now that summer is finally here and it looks like it will stay, we have ants not your average tiny little ants, nope huge ants. We went to the store and spent 10 dollars hopefully this will solve the problem!!! I don't mind ants but not in my house!!!

As for the dog, she's the cutest little gal, she does have some behavioral problems she barks at EVERYONE even though I'm sure that she would never bite unless she thought that one of "her" kids was getting hurt or in danger. In fact I was tickling Brycen and she was in my face not sure how to react. She loves sleeping with the kids, she crawls up into the kids beds and sleeps there all night. If she sees me gonna have a nap on the sofa she'll crawl up and nap with me. I wonder where I can take her or find out how to break the barking habit. The one condition on Jeff agreeing ON the dog was that I not buy fabric for 2 months, well there are always ways around that you see I got a gift card from the fat quarter shop so I finally used it and got some great charms.



So I'm a HUGE believer in family dinners when I was a kid we ALWAYS ate dinner together as a family at the dinner table. I want that for my kids, however with the shifts we are now working it is hard the hubby only has Tuesday and Wednesday off and works night and when he works days I'm sleeping ( since I sleep when he is home so I can work overnights.) so today we had family dinner night, the teenager was NOT happy. She said she wasn't hungry and even tried to bring here homework to the table and refused to eat. In the end she didn't talk but she did eat. One day she'll understand.

On the PH1 note, we have up coming appointments and I'm worried, we have ultrasounds and need to do a 12 hour urine, I'm hoping things are still okay. J'naya is the one I'm the most worried about she has been complain ALOT about belly aches and most importantly back aches, in fact last week there was a disscions about an E.R visit. But because of the upcoming visits we didn't ( however we would have if the pain become un bareable) it's really hard to know when to go and when not to, I don't want to damage her kidneys but I also don't want to cry wolf.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

scary

Yesterday I got the scare of a life time, now because my kids are country kids at heart they just don't get the whole stay in the yard deal. I have to watch them like hawks, now it doesn't help that most of the kids on the street just do their own thing or maybe I'm just to worried. I want my kids to stay in my yard, preferably the back yard. There is a park at the end of the street that they occasionally go to but only all together. So this week has been a HUGE test of faith, I send the kids outside with orders to stay in the backyard only to go check on them, ( I always have the window open) so if it is suddenly quiet I check asap, now this is what happened, it suddenly got silent, I look out the back window no kids, I go look out the front window there they are, Tony and J'naya on the sidewalk with their bikes Brycen sitting on the sidewalk petting a dog, I continue to watch for a few minutes. The dog goes on his way finishing his walk, Brycen gets on his bike, I watch thinking he's gonna come back up on to the sidewalk. To my horror nope he does not pull onto the sidewalk he goes straight out onto the street, into the path of an on coming car. I scream and run from the window to the door, yank open the door and bolt out, in time to see the car pass, as I look over I see that Brycen is still on his bike UN harmed. I then holler at him to bring his bike home, that's when Gracie ( our dachshund) goes racing out the door barking of course. Following closely behind is Ashton yelling at me because the dog got out. Now I love my dog but really if I have to choose the dog or Brycen it's not even close Brycen wins. So as I bolt out the door my only thought is he's gonna get hit, please Lord don't let him get hit. I am already an angel Mommy and I'm telling you I CANNOT do that again. I of coruse am so relived that he is okay, but he did get a serve tongue lashing. I also have taken away the bike, when will he get it back I'm not sure but for now no bike. It's not like he's 2 and doesn't know better he's almost 5 (his birthday is the 19 th of this month) he knows better and if he can't follow the rules he can't have the bike so simple!!!

The other thing that happened yesterday I went to pick up a few cross stitch books I have been wanting and found for cheap on kijiji ( I love kijiji.) but I got lost in the process, I looked up the directions before I left ( I was going to garden city) but I didn't print them, I went the wrong way and finally bought a map book to correct myself. Now I have lived in Liabu for 10 years I could get there from Libau but not from here. Then I couldn't for the life of me figure out how I got there or how to get back, I finally figured out how to get to the perimeter and then I could get home. In the mean time my kid have been locked out of the house. I lost Jeff's house key, or rather it feel off of the key ring at My Mom's house so it's not lost it's just not here. So Jeff took Ashton's key which means the kids are locked out and they have gone over to Jeff's Mom's house. I spot them as I drive by and stop to pick them up. All in all it has been a long week, only to become an even longer weekend as we struggle to figure out who really rules this house and to have the kids understand!!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

let the yelling commence

so yesterday after school, J'naya and Tony come bursting into the house and J'naya is crying and Tony is scared. The first thing the say is Emma's (name has been changed) Mom is gonna come over and tell on us. Shortly there after there's a banging sound like the cops have arrived, sfter a short discussion it is decided that I should go to the door. I open the door and sure enough there stands Emma's Mom shaking with anger. Emma had been giving J'naya a hard time all day, in fact she had even claimed that J'naya had hurt her to a teacher to which J'naya got in trouble. (Now I am not one of those Moms that thinks my kids NEVER do anything wrong my kids are not angels however it takes 2 to tango) So Tony stepped up to defend his little sister in the process one of Tony's friends (who's father just doesn't care and couldn't be bothered to do anything with his kids) opens his mouth and starts yelling at Emma's Mom. Now Emma's Mom is standing at my door claiming that Tony was swearing st her, I explain that yes I am aware of the fact that Tony and this said kid get themselves into trouble and am trying to "fix" this problem, and I will deal with my children then I suggest that instead of banging on my door yelling she to should deal with her child as her child is not the only child hurt here. She then storms off in a huff saying her boyfriend will be back to deal with this. Deal with what they are 8 years old, they are girls, it's gonna happen they will figure it out, I'm not gonna tell J she has to walk with Emma all the time, or that Emma can be her only friend!!! Emma's Mom then goes home and calls the school to tell on Tony, here's what she doesn't tell them, the fact that she in the past she has called Tony an a**hole and flipped him the bird, we had a talk with Tony about it and told him to avoid her. She also doesn't realize that Ashton is walking right behind them and has witnessed what has just happened and Tony DID NOT SWEAR OR YELL AT HER!!!

So an 8 year old girls argument has turned into all out war, Not 3 hours latter the boyfriend comes over, Emma is an angel and did nothing wrong and my children horrible and at fault for everything. What ever I deal with my kids you deal with yours. To solve this problem we get bike locks and the kids ride their bikes to school together. Then call the school and explain our side of the story cause really kids will argue and it will get worse.

Here's the catch today they are friends again! Really they will figure it out there doesn't need to be parental involvement in everything they have to figure things out and the whole my child in innocent and yours isn't is ridiculous they were all guilty in their own way!!!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

still

still
Here are the long awaited lyrics I have heard this song a few times on CHVN and I have never known the song title or artist but my wonderful hubby was listening tonight while at work and found out. She is singing to her still born child I have yet to find the C.D and find out the details but here are the lyrics and they ring true with this baby loss momma!!!Its by Sarah Folden

I shortened the lyrics for repetition
She sings like an angel
Still by Sarah Folden
I’ve been waiting for you for such a long time;
you’re always on my mind.
And I’m lying awake,
most of the night,
waiting to hold you tight.

Lost in time,
lost in space,
can’t wait to see your face.
Now that I do
and look at you,
my heart is breaking,
this can’t be true.

Close to my heart,
close to my soul,
right from the start.
Lost you before I found you,
gone before you came,
but I love you just the same.
Missed you before I met you,
but in heaven we will meet again.
.

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do,
with this pain that I am going through,
but I know one day,
God will take me away
and I’m coming home to you.
And when I do and look at you,
my heart is healing,
I know its true;
In heaven we’ll meet again.
__________________

sweet memories


This week I was to go to my Thursday morning bible study, couldn't do it, it is REALLY hard to work 8 hours overnight and go out once I get home, instead I went to sleep. When I crawled into bed my Brycie was in bed, he kind of sat up and stretched and went back to sleep I asked him if he wanted a pillow, he nodded and I slipped a pillow under his head. Then I rubbed the top of his head and told him I loved him to which I was rewarded with a HUGE sleepy grin. It's moments like this that make it worth it!!

I have memories of each of my babies locked in my head, one of the sweetest ones of Ashton is when she was just tiny she was screaming at 3:00 am, I was so frustrated ( I was a 17 year old single mom and was crying right along with her) when she suddenly stopped, she had caught sight of her own hand and was fixed on the fact that it moved!! Needless to say we were able to settle down and go back to sleep. With Tony I would say it was when he was put under to break up kidney stones at the age of three,you see Tony was avery happy go lucky child and before he was put under he was hamming it up with all the nurses. Once he came to he was so mad he wouldn't talk to anyone. With Miss. J it would have to be the way she LOVED my Dad, I mean LOVED my Dad and my father in law (though that has changed and she is now scared of my father in law) no one could do anything for her when my Dad was around.
I also have a memory of my sweet angel baby I can still feel the place where his sweet little face last touched mine right before the nurse took him away from me forever.

I look forward to making more memories and can only hope that my children also have special memories locked away and always know how much I love them!!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

ughhh Life

It has been a while since I blogged, well things are still humming along, the kids are "healthy" but there has been a minor glitch there has been talk of having tubes put into the kidneys to feed water into the kidneys all the time (though it sounds like this would mainly be at night) I just don't know how to get them to drink more, I try alot of ways to "trick" fluids into them, I.e. offering chocolate milk (which is a high oxalate and a no no) if they follow it with water, giving them frozen yogurt pops, freezies (you lots of sugar but it works) soups. It is REALLY hard to get them to drink two litters of water everyday. The meds to are a hard thing to stay on top of, J'naya is so against her meds she will hide them so she won't have to take them I have to stand over her so she'll take them. She just doesn't get that she could face a transplant if she doesn't take them or worse she could go into renal failure ar even die. How do you explain that without scaring her?? I just find this whole thing VERY hard. There are also things that they are not to eat like chocolate and strawberries kids love these things and mine aren't allowed to have them.

Those are just the things about the kids that have been hard there is also my job, it seems that no matter what I do it is not enough, I'm not doing enough and the people around me are doing to much?? How is this possible I can handle a restaurant full of people I have to take care of and do all my dishes by myself up I can't work an overnight shift in a fast food restaurant? i just don't get it and have NEVER been this stressed over a job before. In fact I dread going to work I just never know what it will be like today!!!
I wish I could go there do my job (and be aware of what is expected before the end of my shift) and go home and not worry about it!!

The other thing is having moved into the city from a nother city has been hard although I`m closer to family I really feel alone, my friends don`t live here and I really don`t have friends in the city, most of this is my fault I don`t call and I should, but working over nights is hard and sleep is not always available.
I have to sleep when Jeff is home or the kids are sleeping so a `normal`sleep day for me is from 7:30am to 1:00 pm then up with the kids until they go to bed and sometimes I snooze on the sofa form 9:00pm to 10:30 pm when I have to get ready for work. That however will change next month when Jeff works 1pm to 9pm. I`m not sure when I will sleep then I will probably sleep from 7:30 am to 12:00pm hopefully I can function on that then there are the days that I can`t sleep last week I think I slept a total of 20 hours all week. Sleep is not something I get alot of. Then when people phone I get complaints that all I ever do is sleep I wish!!!

On the upside the children got a dog she`s a miniature dachshund she`s 11 months old and her name is Gracie she`s a doll, her family could no longer care for her and they contacted me on kijiji.com from an add I placed months ago and had forgotten about. It`s about time something good has happened for my kids the deserve good things to!!!