Wednesday, July 23, 2014

should be getting a drivers license

A few weeks ago my stillborn son should've been turning 16.
We should have been standing in a line somewhere waiting to get a drivers licences.
I should've been baking a crazy cake for his birthday party like I did for his older sister.
I should've been hugging him and telling him how proud I am of him.
The phone should've been ringing with birthday wishes from family.
His siblings should've been singing happy birthday and giving him birthday "beats"
He should be here teasing his brother about the fact that he's gonna get to drive first.
He should be here excited about the fact that in a few short weeks he will be an uncle.

Instead on his Day I sat alone thought about him and what should've been.
Instead of standing in a line waiting for a driving test we stand at his grave.
Instead of baking him a cake I bring balloons to his grave.
Instead of hugging him i sit and cry cause it just hurts so much that he's gone and I miss him oh so much.
Instead of family phoning to say happy birthday the phone never rang.
Instead of his siblings singing happy birthday to him, they sing to his grave.
Instead of teasing his younger brother about being the first to drive, his younger brother will drive and he never will.
Instead of excitedly waiting for his niece we will be bringing her to meet him in the cemetery.

It hurts that this sweet boy doesn't matter, it hurts that NO ONE remembered his day and as his Momma how hard this day must be for me.
I MISS MY SON, that will NEVER change no matter how many people forget, the fact that he isn't important enough for people to remember actually makes it hurt more.

As his Mom I need people to remember him, I need to hear his name, I need him NEVER to be forgotten. It just hurts so much to think he doesn't matter to anyone but me.

I recently was asked two questions, the first was for Mom's who never got a clear answer as to why their child died how do you get past it. My answer is you Never get past it, I have learned to live with the hurt, it is always there it doesn't go away. Same with the guilt I should've protected him and I failed and he isn't here. The second was if you had 1 hour to sit and talk to someone that has passed for 1 hour who would you pick? For me the answer is my son, just 1 hour, so I could "meet" him.

I miss this little boy so much and no amount of years make it better. It hurts so much that all the people I love have forgotten this sweet boy...

This sweet boy is my Mackenzie Wade born June 30,1998. 6 lbs. 10 oz. 19.5 inches long. He was born at 39 weeks and 6 days and was perfect in every way he just never took his first breath. I love you my dear son and I will never forget even if everyone else does....

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