hurts

A few years ago, I fell from a ladder and REALLY hurt my back, in fact I think I spent upwards of $400.00 dollars to get it ``fixed`` this week, I turned wrong and felt the pain immediately. I hurt so much there have actually been times when I have cried. However I can`t not work, so off I go. I find as long as I keep moving it hurts but I can keep going. Sitting on the other hand HURTS!!! Sleeping, hurts, standing hurts. it all hurts. I hope it lightens soon. Tylenol and rob ax are my best friends!!

The kids went to see Dr.Dart last week it seems so far all is still good, there is some question about them getting enough water into their bodies. J`naya had a HUGE panic attack when she had to give blood. me being the person I am and having a no nonsense attitude picked her up and took her into the room so she could have blood drawn. I already know she`ll panic so I don`t tell her about the appointment in advance rather I `surprise`her the day of. ( if I were to tell he earlier she would not sleep) she did not want to go first however I knew it would be worse for her to wait till Tony was done so in we went. I always have to hold her done (though she`s getting much stronger) and we drew blood then she was fine!!! Tony went next and did well ( he always does) we just have to do a 24 hour urine to make sure they don`t need an increase in their meds.

The funny thing this week is Brycen`s sudden dislike of broccoli..........however he LOVES broccoli salad now no one tell him how much broccoli is in broccoli salad :-)

I wonder..................

if I had listened how would things be now??

If I had listened to my Mother, where would I be now??
Would I be a nurse that I always longed to be??
(though now I'd LOVE to be a midwife)

If my son hadn't died who would he be??

If my son hadn't died who would I be??

Would I really be a Mother to 5??

would I have been happier??

If I had taken the sleeping pills I was offered when he was born would it have been better for me?? For my family??

It's amazing that things change so much, so quickly. I definitely am NOT the same person I was when I was 17. A perfect example is that I would NEVER allow myself (or my children) to be treated the way I was when I got preggers. I would stand up for myself now!!
When Mackenzie died, I would be more involved in what happened ( I did nothing for his funeral Jeff and my parents did it all and they did a wonderful job I just wish I had been able to add my 2 cents) I would keep him with me longer 6 hours to fill a lifetime of time just is not enough. I would call my brother and sister to the hospital so that they could meet my son, I don't remember if my Dad ever held him but he was there (in fact when Jeff and my Mom left my dad stayed and sat at the foot of my bed until I feel asleep.

Most of all I would have listened to everyone (my husband, my friends, my family and my doctors) when they told me I had a problem and needed help. I would have taken the drugs I was offered and I would have enjoyed my life instead of allowing myself to continue to sink into this deep depression and hurting everyone around me!!!

HUGE changes

Well since the last time I allowed my depression take over my heart so tightly that I almost lost my life, I have decided that it is time to make some changes to make life better for my family. Here's what has happened since that day. I went to see the phychatrist and she gave me some options to make things better one of the BIG things was the lack of sleep and she suggested that I put Brycen in an afternoon class so I could sleep better!!! I went one better I quit my job ( funny when I wrote that I automatically wrote quilt :-) ), yup no more over nights at McDonald's. Though I really did love my job and the people I worked with!!! However here's what happened. Jeff has been bugging me to move into an apartment for a few months now I kept rejecting the idea saying"but my dog, I don't wanna give up my dog." So after this appointment Jeff again said maybe we should move into something cheaper. I told him to let me think about it and we'd talk again in the am. After he went to work I called to see if there were apartments available in the buildings down the street. While I was asleep on Monday, Jeff not only got us an apartment he also pretty much got me a new job!!

That's right I am on the caretaker in the building it all happened so fast into weeks I quit my job, learned to sleep at night again, gave up my dog and moved!!! It's been crazy, I really didn't want to give up Gracie but I know that this is better for my family. We put up an add on kijiji and got a message from a small dog rescue and after emailing back and forth we decided this was the best option for Miss. Gracie they will screen her new "parents" she will be seen by a vet and be spayed before she's put up for adoption. I didn't want her to go just anywhere and I really didn't want her to go somewhere where they would bread her over and over again to make some money ( she's a purebred miniature daschound) so if we have to give her up and no one in the family wanted another dog then this was the best option. It was hard to let her go but we did it and I know that they will find her a good home. I have been in touch with her foster Mom a few times and it seems Gracie is doing well. I really miss her but I know I have to do what I have to do to make me better.

I start my new job in the morning, I know it will be ALOT of work but it can't be more work then it was at Mc Donald's. I'm really looking forward to it. I will be receiving free rent ( with water and hydro included water and hydro in the house were costing about $750.00 every three months) Free under ground parking and $40.00 for laundry (I have already done $30.00 worth of laundry but then alot of that was from the move) and I will get a pay check every two weeks. This was just to good a deal to pass up. The apartment also has a heated indoor pool which we have already visited 3 times since moving in last Saturday!!! needless to say we won't be living in a house where the basement more or less flooded EVERY TIME it rained, it would just have started to dry out and it would rain again. We also won't have to deal with the washing machine leaking for 7 months with no one ever doing anything about it, ( in fact it was so bad that when you were doing laundry you had to wear shoes down stairs or walk around in the water) or the landlord knocking on the door at 6:30 am or 10:30 pm to collect rent. Everybody is breathing easier ( in Tony's case he really is breathing better for the last few weeks I would make him plug in the vaporizer at night so he could sleep cause he was coughing so badly. The last week he hasn't used it once. J'naya's big concern was that we didn't have a table and chairs to eat dinner at ( our table is WAY to big for an apartment) well we got her a table and chairs it's just a cheap set from walmart but she is thrilled!!! I guess it feels more like home with somewhere to sit to have dinner!

Here's hoping things continue to get better and life gets easier.