I wonder..................

if I had listened how would things be now??

If I had listened to my Mother, where would I be now??
Would I be a nurse that I always longed to be??
(though now I'd LOVE to be a midwife)

If my son hadn't died who would he be??

If my son hadn't died who would I be??

Would I really be a Mother to 5??

would I have been happier??

If I had taken the sleeping pills I was offered when he was born would it have been better for me?? For my family??

It's amazing that things change so much, so quickly. I definitely am NOT the same person I was when I was 17. A perfect example is that I would NEVER allow myself (or my children) to be treated the way I was when I got preggers. I would stand up for myself now!!
When Mackenzie died, I would be more involved in what happened ( I did nothing for his funeral Jeff and my parents did it all and they did a wonderful job I just wish I had been able to add my 2 cents) I would keep him with me longer 6 hours to fill a lifetime of time just is not enough. I would call my brother and sister to the hospital so that they could meet my son, I don't remember if my Dad ever held him but he was there (in fact when Jeff and my Mom left my dad stayed and sat at the foot of my bed until I feel asleep.

Most of all I would have listened to everyone (my husband, my friends, my family and my doctors) when they told me I had a problem and needed help. I would have taken the drugs I was offered and I would have enjoyed my life instead of allowing myself to continue to sink into this deep depression and hurting everyone around me!!!