gonna be a good year!!!

I came here to quickly post!!! I have just come home from yet another overnight (it's the only shift I work) and all is quiet!!! The oldest girl went to a friends house for a sleepover and the youngest three are at grandma and grandpa house!!! I had to walk home this morning because the hubby is working his very first shift as a tow truck driver (all the other shifts were training) today he is all by himself!! He is a touch nervous about it but who are we kidding he couldn't be working a job more perfect for him!!! He will do just fine and he LOVES it!! It's just a touch cold outside -15 but it feels like -35 with the windchill. Anyhow I'm sitting in my brand new Jammie's (I finally got to go to reitmans and buy myself some new things with the gift card my good friends got me a little while ago, and one of the things is my new Jammie's along with a new outfit!!) Thanks again guys!!! Any how the plan is to blog, throw in a load of laundry and get some sleep!!!
It's almost new years and on my walk home I was thinking about new years resolutions, I really don't know what to resolve to do this year. Last year was tough and I know that my faith has lacked sometimes alot!!! But things are on the up and up, hopefully they stay that way. (see there I go again not trusting) but really this year has been far from easy in fact if it were not for some really good friends and my parents we would not have made it!!! My parents have shown up here every week with more food and all I had to do was say the word. In fact sometimes I didn't even say the word they asked the kids and then brought over food!! I am so lucky that they care so much.
In fact things were VERY hard and if it were not for my loving husband I would not be sitting here writ ting these words and Christmas would have been very hard for my whole family this year. For that I am so sorry!!! I promise I will always take my meds!!!
Great now I've made myself cry, but it was hard and I hate feeling that way!! My Mom and I had a conversation about that and she asked what it is that I can't forgive myself for, wow that's a loaded question, but really it's simple, I'm sorry to Ashton for the situation she is in I realize that it is my fault and I truly am sorry but the biggy is my Mackenzie I am so sorry, I should have known and I should have helped him. Plain and simply how does one forgive ones self for not protecting a child and have ti live with the guilt each and every day??? (for more on his story please read this post http://mommato4babiesand3angels.blogspot.com/search/label/Mackenzie%20Wade"> and this one http://mommato4babiesand3angels.blogspot.com/search/label/Mcakenzie%20Wade in my head I know that it really wasn't my fault but try telling my heart that I will live with this guilt forever I can't make it right!!! I'm just so sorry and I love you Mackenzie Wade and if I could go back I'd do everything I could to protect you and while on the subject of my precious angel baby I never got out to the cemetery to bring him a Christmas tree this year either so I'll have to go out soon and bring him something!!! It's just not right that a mommy doesn't get something for her baby, even angel babies!!! I always feel as though I've forgotten him, don't get me wrong not a single day passes that I don't think of him, I think of him in one way or another EVERY day and I always will!!!
On that note maybe I should reslove to try and forgive myself for not protecting my baby and having this horrible tragic ending to his short life ( I just don't know if I can or even where to start, at least I'm not made at God anymore, but that took six years to work out, and Mackenzie's 12Th birthday would be this year) But I'm not making any promises because I just don't know if I can!!!
I'm gonna leave this post at that and hopefully be back soon to post about Christmas!!!



My beautiful angel baby