i struggle

To say I struggle is an understatement, i have been told bu to many people who are supposed to be friends and have no idea what is actually going on that I'm a bad mother. So I struggle i have two children who take a lot of medication to stay healthy and it' s a struggle to get those meds into their system. I have a child who never eats a full meal instaed he grazes and i feel like people judge me when i don't make him eat a full meal. What they don't understand is he has ALWAYS done this from the tome he was born it took him so long to eat he was always eating.... this is why he is the way he is.... if he doesn't "eat" he snacks healthy he lobes apples, snap peas and baby carrots.
So I struggle.... I may not be the worlds best mom but I love my kids no matter what and i want whats best for them...

  This morning i got up and looked out my window and saw a car parked the wrong way on the road infront of my house, my first thought someone is probably mad at me and called CFS on me...... is that what your first thought would be?  Well it was mine in the last few years i have been accused of so many horrible things and had so many people try to get my kids taken away that i' m not really enjoying these years as kids I'm more counting the days till they are 18 and no one can call to have the taken away... that is 10 more years.....Hope i can hang on that long...

 Any wonder that I have been un employed for 12 weeks and have done little More then hide in my bedroom ?

 I'm really struggling here....

4 years

For 4 years my oldest daughter has lived with her Dad. For 4 years I have not gotten even a phone call on Mother's day with a happy mothers day wish. It Hurts ALOT. for 4 years I have not received a happy birthday wish from my daughter, only then to have her tell me all the wonderful things she did for her auntie, her Grandma and her Dad for their birthdays. It Hurts ALOT. I don't know how we get past this, things seem to go well when other people are round and I'm protected the second it's her an I it's a free for all and she screams NASTY things at me. It Hurts ALOT.......

 Here I am again my life is in total chaos, I miss my daughter I miss my son in law and I miss my son. There's nothing I can do about it. It doesn't seem to matter how much we all hurt. Or that her 11 year old sister in currently sleeping in my room next to my bed because she can't get Ashton's angry words out of her head when she goes to sleep at night. Nope all that matters is that I am wrong and she is Right....

 I wish my life was easy I wish someone loved me.....

I can't keep doing this.....

At Christmas time I didn't get to have all my family together. I was shunned and everyone around me got hugs I was left out. It hurt me MORE then anything in this world. For the first time in at least 4 years my family was to be together all of us getting along (hopefully) in one place having a good time and enjoying each other. It won't happen all because of nasty names and hitting. I AM DONE. I can't put it together without help. Until everyone agrees to family counselling ALL further holidays are cancelled. There will be no birthdays, there will be no Christmas, there will be no Easter, there will be nothing until everyone grows up and agrees to fix this......

trust

last year was hard, very hard. I really struggled just to see the light each day. Now it's a new year and I'm trying not to dwell on the things that happened last year. My hardest struggle is trust. Let me start by saying that I don't have any really friends, or anyone to really confide in. I feel very alone all the time.

Here's why I don't trust anyone, Last year CFS (child and family services) was called on me three times every time it was because someone else had something they were trying to prove. I was accused of beating my daughter (which NEVER happened) I was also accused of putting my children in danger. If you know me You know That I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR MY KIDS. All in all cfs realized that all I really want is what is best for my children and so all the claims were dropped because it was obviously not true. Now the question is how do I get past this and trust anyone again? Right now I trust no one because the first thing people do is lie about me and try to get my kids taken away because they know that's how they can hurt me.

 It got so bad last year that I actually had to take 3 weeks of stress leave from my job because of this.. I need to figure out how to get past this..... the question is how???

welcome 2013

So it is a new year, it is the very first day on 2013. Guess what I have already been told to "take my medicine". Why does everyone have to ALWAYS say take your medicine, like everything has to be based on  my damn depression. I'm a person like everyone else, guess what everyone gets mad, eveyone has down days. Why is everything I do because of my depression. why is that what everyone focuses on. I'm DONE AI don't even wanna live . PLease leave me the F*** alone....