why???

I just heard of another baby that was born still this week, it really makes me think why???

I have to wonder why all the pain for these angel mommies? It's just not fair. I wish I could hug these Moms and tell them it will be okay, but the truth is it's just not okay, it's not okay that us Mommies are here and babies aren't. Why is it fair that someone can have thier baby and abuse it and us who would love our babies and care for them don't get to have them.

Sometimes I wish I could ask God why?? Why our babies??

I want to hug my baby and tell him how much i love him and miss him!!! It brings me back to the lyrics of this song::

Still
by Sarah Folden
I’ve been waiting for you for such a long time;
you’re always on my mind.
And I’m lying awake,
most of the night,
waiting to hold you tight.

Lost in time,
lost in space,
can’t wait to see your face.
Now that I do
and look at you,
my heart is breaking,
this can’t be true.

Close to my heart,
close to my soul,
right from the start.
Lost you before I found you,
gone before you came,
but I love you just the same.
Missed you before I met you,
but in heaven we will meet again.
.

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do,
with this pain that I am going through,
but I know one day,
God will take me away
and I’m coming home to you.
And when I do and look at you,
my heart is healing,
I know its true;
In heaven we’ll meet again.


Yup I have more kids and yup I understand that they are here and I love them but I can't help but long for my Mackenzie and everytime I hear that another Mommy is going through a loss I feel for her, and I hurt with her! I wish I could make it stop, but I can't all I can say is I'm here and I know how you feel like only another Mommy to another baby angel can and I'm so very sorry you have to go through this!!!

it's a great day!!

It's a great day to be alive!!!!

Okay I don't usually feel that way and I haven't slept yet!!! Anyhow I have one more overnight shift left then a 3 day holiday, Tomorrow afternoon we have a play date in Selkirk with friends ( see notes on walls/ doors/ fridges really do work I didn't forget.) I made the mistake of telling Brycen about his play date.... uummmmmm yep how do say never tell a 5 year old who has no concept of time that a play date is on Friday when it's only Monday!!! I have been asked several times a day since then if we were going yet!!! He'll be happy to hear tomorrow it's finally the day!!!

This a.m. Brycen and i took a little stroll over to the nearby " shopping strip" ( I use the term lightly as there are only like 3 shops) and shopped a little but we were walking so it couldn't be tons, but it was nice to do something other then sit around at home!!!
We then played outside for a while, I really want to hang out the laundry but CANNOT find a downy ball so how/when do i add fabric softener??? Anyway I then got the bright idea to set up the camper to air it out after a few attempts I had to call the hubby and get some pointers it is now set up!!! But not "safe" to go into and I give up so the hubby will have to fix it!!

On a some what sad note 9 for the kids anyway ) the trampoline has finally said enough it ripped and some of the springs have come off, it is not even close to safe so it will be coming down Friday when me and the hubby are both off, it will however be replaced by something safer say a sand box??? We will have to wait and see!!

The other happening is that we found out that Miss. J has been flushing her meds rather then taking them that's right folks first she was hiding them around the house but we got wise to that now Jeff caught her slipping them into her sleeve and excusing herself to use the potty, We have to sit right next to her and make sure she takes them and EVERY time she cries and carries on I understand they taste bad but really the alternative is a transplant, I don't think she gets how serious this is!!! Oh what to do!!!

My Baby

The night before I was taking Brycen in for his shots, I realized really this is pretty much the last "baby" thing, He's riding a 2 wheeler, he can write his name, he doesn't use a sippy cup. It's a little sad my baby isn't really a baby anymore........Where did the time go??

He did really well at the doc, he wasn't impressed about getting shots and we didn't warn him in advance. He did NOT like having to undress in front of a stranger, he did however and I explained that it was okay with the doctor and I would be there the whole time he didn't really relax but he did it, then he saw the needles and he started to cry, well not really cry but sort of whimper. He was okay, I think he was more scared of the UN known and once it was done he was okay. After in the hallway he looked at me and said "mom I was brave right I only cried a little bit" then we raced Daddy down the stairs ( Daddy took the elevator) and we beat him and all was forgotten. We then went to the store and got him some candy!!!

Needles to say it seems my baby isn't such a baby anymore and we are closing one chapter in our lives and moving on to a new one!!!

I can't wait for the good things that are yet to come!!

my sewing machine

I haven't spent very much time with my sewing machine lately oh wait I barely spend time with anyone, it's hard to work this shift I don't get much sleep and when I do try to sleep the family keeps waking me (ie. yesterday when they were all mad at each other and slamming doors) so yup I don't see many people and on top of that I have this horrible chest cold and at times couldn't talk. I still had to work so even though I feel like pooh there I am working. I also haven't talked to my Mom in a while, a quick call to say happy Mom's day and that was it. This month is really hard Jeff is working 7 am to 3 pm, so our shifts over lap and the only time I really see him is in the am when he stops in to buy a coffee and on the drive to work in the pm. By the time he comes home I'm really tired and ready for bed, in fact so tired that I forgot to lay out the kids meds yesterday and they didn't take them. Jeff has no idea who gets what!!! So yup spending time with my sewing machine becomes a back burner thing, but I promised myself that I would make time for me and I have signed up to do an umbrella swap with one of my yahoo groups and I signed up for a double batch so instead of making 24 I'll be making 48 so a good time to pull out the machine and do something for me!!

The other thing I just haven't gotten around to is making the appointment for Brycen to get his 5 year shots, finally did that too he's gonna hate me once we're done but it's gotta happen I'm sure he'll get over it! It's hard to have to go somewhere and do things that will "hurt" but it's gotta be done. Can we say bribe???

wow I feel awful

For the last week I have been battling this horrible chest cold. It's been weird one day I feel fine the next day I feel awful, it kind of started with a sore throat and has slowly gotten worse, today I can hardly talk and the worse part yup I work tonight. I hope I'm in the kitchen cause how will I take orders? It's been good for the kids cause I can't yell, no I really mean I CANNOT yell. I'm thinking they are purposely trying to make me yell so it will get worse. Oh well this to shall pass.

Yesterday we had a small accident J'naya had Gracie on her leash when Tony decided that they should race. Well a kid runs in front of Gracie and she takes off, so this caused J'naya to become unbalanced and she fell and scraped her face on the drive way. Needless to say there was blood and alto of pain, in fact she was up crying at night about the pain. We have been putting polysporin on it in an effort to keep it clean, I just hope it doesn't scar.

We also had a fun afternoon outside yesterday alot of fun was had by everyone. I can only hope the fun continues the last few summers have sucked, finding out about the Ph1 and the crazy landlady issues. We have a few fun things planned for the summer and hopefully the all pan out.

Today being Mother's day I think that most of the family has forgotten about the day, I'm currently home alone and I'm okay with that maybe I can get some sleep so I can spend some time with the family later. I am also trying not to focus on the fact that one of my children is with her Dad and another one is dead. Instead I'm trying to remember that I have 3 kids here (hopefully the 4Th one comes home later) and they are my pride and joy!!!

Ph 1

The kids had their check ups and ultrasounds. In august when Tony had an ultrasound there was spot in his right kidney that looked like it may be a stone. It wasn't shadowing the way stones normally do, so this time the spot was still their but still not shadowing so they have decoded it is not a stone. This means both children are currently stone free. The good news just keeps coming the meds have finally been tweaked enough that they both had good levels. So far so good, as long as we drink LOTS of water and keep taking the meds.

I was so excited to finally get my benefits package so off to the drugstore I go, now I new that the b6 would not be covered and I also new the "new" drug vitamin d wouldn't be covered either but I was sure the K-citra would just because it used to be, Nope I was wrong we now have to pay out of pocket for all of it. It is quite costly, the vitamin D has 100 tablets in the bottle this will last 25 days and costs about $10.00 a bottle (now I could get a cheaper version of this but I opted to get the chocolate flavored chewable ones because the other meds are so big and taste horrible.) the B6 is also roughly $10.00 and has 100 tablets in a bottle but together the kids take 7 of these a day so the bottle will last about 14 days. Lastly there is the K-citra and this is the one that used to be covered and no longer is the cost of these is about $38.00 for a one month supply per child. That's a grand total of $107.00 dollars a month. That's alot now I try to remember that these things are keeping the kids healthy and there for I am VERY thankful that we know about the problem and that the kids a responding to the treatment otherwise we would have some VERY sick kids on our hands!!!



The photo above is the dose of meds that Miss.J takes everyday the smaller ones on the left are the B6 she takes 400mg.and Tony takes 350 once a day, the middle ones are HUGE she takes 2 of these in the morning and two at supper (these are the K-citra) She HATES taking these because they are hard to swallow and they cannot be broken in half or crushed because they will cause ulcers if we do. The ones on the right are the new vitamin D they are a favorite because they taste like chocolate. I try to get them to take them last so that they will "wash" away the taste of the other meds!!!

another weekend busted!!

This weekend once again started with the disappearance of a certain Teen, I'm so at a loss I just don't know according to her and her Daddy I'm being totally un reasonable. So Friday She was to babysit for me so that I could sleep for a few hours, I woke up to all the kids home and Ashton gone. She finally came home after a few hours. Then Friday night she went to her aunt's which I was okay with at least I trust her aunt. Well she then went to her Dad's and from there to her grandparents. Then she "arrange" to meet up with her friend again. She called and told me she'd be home by 5 at 5:20pm she still wasn't home low and behold she was on her way to pick up yet another Friend to have a sleep over at my house. Apparently her father can now give her permission to have sleepovers at my House??? needles to say I have spent another weekend ruled by her, I'm so done in fact she has been sent to Grandma's house for the week. Hopefully this will give both her and I a break so that we can both think this through.

I get it she's a teen but really spending EVERY waking moment out with friends isn't an option either there has to be boundaries. I am concerned that she'll get in trouble and something bad will happen. I love her and I just want her to be safe.


This weekend I also did something that I really needed to do and haven't done since we moved (yup have felt ALOT of guilt about it to) I went to the cemetery to see Mackenzie. Part of my visit was because of Patches ( becasue tha hyper link doesn't EVER work for me) he's traveling Canada and the U.s to visit bereaved parents and he showed up on my door step so we went for a road trip I'll let the pics tell the story:


Patches had to stop for a "cafine fix"

Then on to see Mackenzie

Then he visited Daniel the angel baby on Mackenzie's right


and Jonathan who is to Maceknzie's left these are the only 3 babies buried here.

then he hung out on Mackenzie's windchime I heard babies sleep better if they can hear windchimes so I always make sure that theres one there for him.



Then it was over to Santiago whose is a very close friends angel baby.

Then of course we had to stop for slurpees.




and to hald moon for lunch where he posed with my rainbow babies.



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and home again where he hung out with the angels that sit on top of the computer desk where Mackenzie's picture proudly hangs!!!