trust

last year was hard, very hard. I really struggled just to see the light each day. Now it's a new year and I'm trying not to dwell on the things that happened last year. My hardest struggle is trust. Let me start by saying that I don't have any really friends, or anyone to really confide in. I feel very alone all the time.

Here's why I don't trust anyone, Last year CFS (child and family services) was called on me three times every time it was because someone else had something they were trying to prove. I was accused of beating my daughter (which NEVER happened) I was also accused of putting my children in danger. If you know me You know That I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR MY KIDS. All in all cfs realized that all I really want is what is best for my children and so all the claims were dropped because it was obviously not true. Now the question is how do I get past this and trust anyone again? Right now I trust no one because the first thing people do is lie about me and try to get my kids taken away because they know that's how they can hurt me.

 It got so bad last year that I actually had to take 3 weeks of stress leave from my job because of this.. I need to figure out how to get past this..... the question is how???

welcome 2013

So it is a new year, it is the very first day on 2013. Guess what I have already been told to "take my medicine". Why does everyone have to ALWAYS say take your medicine, like everything has to be based on  my damn depression. I'm a person like everyone else, guess what everyone gets mad, eveyone has down days. Why is everything I do because of my depression. why is that what everyone focuses on. I'm DONE AI don't even wanna live . PLease leave me the F*** alone....

before you judge me...

Before you judge me walk a mile in my shoes..........
     ..............imagine not wanting to get out of bed EVER...
     ..............imagine thinking of all the ways you could die,
     ..............imagine wondering what it would be like to drive your car off of the next bridge you cross.
     ..............imagine your child screaming hate at you all the time, and lying to everyone about you.
     ..............now imagine your family believing those lies.
     ..............imagine having no friends, no one to pick up the phone and call.
     ..............imagine thinking your family loves you.
     ..............now imagine you find out they are all talking about you behind your back.
     ..............imagine how much that all hurts.
     ..............imagine having to take medicine to fell normal, and still not feeling "normal"
     ..............just imagine...

it's so sad.....

This week some mad man went into an American school and shot 20 children and 6 teachers. He had killed his mother  (who was a teacher) before going to the school and when he was done he turned the gun on himself. The sad part is that it is the week before Christmas and 28 families have lost loves ones. This week I hug my children closer, I also realize that my daughter is missing. How do I fix this. what would I do if something horrible happened. My heart breaks because I cannot fix this. I have been removed from her school as a contact, my number has been blocked from her phone. As I tried to finish my Christmas shopping today , I ended in a sobbing mess. I no longer know my own child. I don't know what she wants. Worst of all I don't know how to fix this. So I sit and cry and pray for a miracle...........

Please God I need a miracle..........

praising God in the storm

What a wonderful morning of worship, we attended church with my sister and her family, and my brother and his family. It is GREAT to get together with family and friend and praise God together.
There have been times when I felt like God wasn't paying attention to me, now I think it was me not paying attention. We should have a church service everyday then life would be perfect.

 Tomorrow is back to work, I'm sure it won't be a cake walk, but it is in God's hands and I know he'll be there with me. I just need to keep my mouth shut and smile and nod...... That's my plan heading in to tomorrow. Hopefully it's not to bad :-)

what is going on?

So the last few months have been VERY rough, My daughter has been a handful in a major way and somehow all of this is my fault. according to Ashton, her Dad and my former best friend (who lives in B.C. ) I am at fault for all of this. I don't get it, she does things because she's mad at her Dad and then they all blame me.  It has also been VERY rough at work, I'm being told one thing and then when I do it I get written up for it, so far I have been written up twice both times it wasn't warranted if only my boss would talk to me instead of about me. I also found out some interesting info this week which would explain the reason my boss suddenly hates me ( before we would go out for dinner together, we had pedicures together, we took my kids for ice cream) Now she doesn't even talk to me. Nothing. Anyhow it was bad. I stopped Face book, I started therapy again, and I took a 3 week leave from work. I'm feeling lots better and hopefully life will turn around.
My daughter still isn't talking to me but it's at a point where I can't do anything about it we need to go to counseling and she won't go. So I pray and wait.
Hopefully things with my boss change when I go back to work, if not there are things I can and will do. I am a person and I deserve to be treated like one.
I will continue to go to counseling because my family deserves me at the top of my game.
I have actively started going to church, I know God will be there and his hands are in all aspects of my life so I will leave these troubles with him and they will work out.

its raining again.

I have been off work for 3 weeks, the stress got to be way to much. What did I do? I hid and cleaned my apartment. What did I accomplish? really nothing. I did relax and bring my stress level down a  tad. But it is so very hard, there are constant attacks. My daughter turned 17, it was the first time I had talked to here in 6 weeks. She finally called. it wasn't because I didn't want to talk to her it was because she didn't want to talk to me she doesn't answer the phone for me and she wont call me. As her gift I want to book her driving test and pay for it, but she doesn't know it because she again isn't answering the phone.
  what happened you ask? I don't know other then someone told her somethings that happened 20 years ago (yup well before her time) and all those things did was hurt her, so I really don't get why this was all brought up. Who cares who I dated and before this was said to her maybe they should have made sure they were actually telling her the truth. But no people just do whatever they have to to make themselves feel better. Needless to say I have a 17 year old daughter and I don't know if she's safe, I don't know anything really cause no one will tell me anything. I just don't get what I have done. My ex is such a great father and doing such and excellent job ( I say my voice dripping with sarcasm) instead of calling me to talk about Ashton he picks up the phone and calls my ex-best friend, or drops her off at her druggie boyfriends house. I'm so frustrated what will it take?

 I hope we make it through this.

I have to go back to work on Monday and honestly I'm scared to death, here we go back to being "stalked" all day long by my boss, back to not being  talked to instead being talked about, back to being written up for things my boss said I could do. I'm holding my breath and hoping for the best.

If you read this and your a praying person please add a prayer for my Ashton. Thank you.