Happy birthday Mackenzie

Yup today is the day........13 years. How do I feel today? Ummmmmm overall it was an okay day. We started it by shipping the other kidlets off to school. Then we headed to the cemetery cause that is where I have to go to wish my son a happy birthday. I wish I could take him in my arms just for a minute and hold him. I wish I could hear his voice just for a second, I wish I could feel his warm breath on my face. I wish I could watch the rise and fall of his chest. Most of all I wish I could see his eyes.....I never got these things with this sweet child. Our son silently entered this world...did not utter a sound...never took a breath....never got to hear me tell him I love him......doesn't know what it feels like to be hugged by his mom. For the other children I did a "things I love about them" one for each year. I don't really know where I would even start for Mackenzie, cause.........I don't know him.

This year I would have had two teenagers.....instead I have one teen (who can't stand me and won't talk to me) and a 1foot by 2 foot grave in a cemetery.

I miss my son, I wish he was here. I know he's better off where he is ( at least I can't screw him up right) I understand that there is a good reason that God took him( more on that in a latter post...cause I just don't have the energy for that today)

Most of all I wish that he wasn't ignored, it hurts more to think that people pretend that he wasn't then if they picked up the phone and said how are you. Okay even just a message anything HE IS MY SON...... No amount of years will ever change that, in 30 years I will cry for him, cause he's my son just like Tony and Brycen are my sons. Just cause he didn't breath doesn't make him any less human.

He was a real boy.....he was here....I miss him.....I love him.....I will never not miss him....his picture will never be put away......June 30, will always be the saddest, loneliest day of the year for me. Nothing will ever change that.

We love you Mackenzie Wade, we miss, We are waiting to see you again some day!!

hit hard

boy did we get hit hard this last week. It started with Brycen he coughed and coughed and coughed. He had a sore throat and a fever. It was so bad that we took him to the walk-in (we do not have a pediatrician/family doctor) we even missed his kindergarten grad it was either we miss that or have to take him to the e.r. I did not want to do either one but in the end the walk in was our choice. Then Miss.J she coughed but not nearly as bad. We did vaporizers (cool mist...Tony and J can not have anything other then Tylenol so no cough syrup and no Vick's) and propped the mattresses. then came the hubby and me. Now if the hubby would not be so stubborn it probably would not have been so hard but instead of taking 1 sick day he kept going to work and ended up suffering. He has been the sickest of us all. Coughing, puking, headaches....you name a symptom he had it.

I organized my first ever Christmas ornament exchange. I was hoping for 4 or 5 people to sign up. I was quite excited to see 20 people sign up and the numbers kept growing. I started to get worried. The final tally.......204. I hope everyone keeps their end of the bargain, and stitches their ornament and sends it. I have been preparing for the worst case scenario and stitching like mad so that if someone doesn't get and ornament I can send them one that I stitched so they will get one. If alot of people don't follow through I"m in BIG trouble.

fathers day

so today is fathers day.....what a shitty day. Last night I did not sleep like at all 7 am rolled around and I was still awake. So I did have a small snooze and went to a family gathering. Of which my oldest daughter did not attend. She hates me. All those years of Jeff getting USP driving Ashton to school at 4 am, cleaning up her puke when she was sick, etc,etc. Jeff did all the things Ferd would not. Jeff stood up and took Ferd's place when Ferd couldn't me man enough. Only to have Ashton turn around and demand his insurance number, not even a happy fathers day. Then I call to say sorry for somethings I said a few weeks ago and I get blasted. Where is my daughter where is that wonderful caring girl I raised? When do I get her back. Instead of this person who is totally brain washed by someone who really most her life didn't give a rip. If he really had cared then he would not have spent her childhood taking her to car shows and hanging with dope heads. He would have done kid things. But alas none of that matters because I'm an F***ing B***** who does not deserve to have children.

It all makes me so sad. One day It will be to much and I will give in and find a bridge and be done with this hell I call life. Maybe then someone will love me. i just don''t know what else to do to make this hurt all stop and I'm about done trying.

abc's of me!!!

A - Age: 33
B - Bed size: queen Size
C - Chore you hate: dishes
D - Dog's name: Gracie but i had to give her away ...I miss her
E - Essential start of the day item: Toothbrush & toothpaste, can't eat or drink a thing till i have cleaned my teeth.
F - Favorite colour: purple.
G - Gold or Silver: Silver
H - Height: 5'6"
I - Instruments you play: organ....yup organ had lessons for 8 years played in church till I was shunned
J - Job: building care taker
K - Kids: 5 4 on earth and 1 in heaven
L - Living arrangements: 3 bedroom apartment
M - Music you love: Mercy me I can only imagine
N - Nicknames: don't have any won't share what I was called as a kid it was mean.
O - Overnight hospital stay at hospital:only when I had my babies
P - Pet Peeve:back talk.
Q -Quote from a movie: Two weeks!!!!!!
R - Right handed or left: right
S - Siblings: Sisters 1 , Brother 1 all younger then me.
T - Time you wake up: 6:30
U - Underwear: comfy
V - Vegetable you dislike:asparagus
W - Workout Style: avoid it
X - X-rays you've had: yup on my wrist and hip
Y - Yummy food you make: lasagna.
Z - The best place to visit:somewhere warm

that was easy

Since I am the "universal" blood type I have decided to donate blood. Now the first time I went it took a long time, like and hour long time. So since you can donate every 56 days, today was my next appointment. However my hubby is working evenings so I had to drop him off at work, and pick him up again at 10 so that I can have the car. Now this isn't the worst part, the worst part was that I had to take my youngest 3 children with me, this SCARED me. I couldn't get anyone to watch the kids for me ( which is why the hubby and I NEVER go on dates) anyhow off we go. Jeff told the kids that if they behaved he would take them to bdi (the bridge drive inn) for ice cream and the could have anything they wanted. The kids were super great , the appointment went fast (1/2 hour) It was a breeze!!

I also had a chance to have a good friend over whom we have not seen in a long time. It was good to have her and her girls over, enjoy a meal together and catch up. I look forward to spend more time together. We also spent an evening playing at the playground with Owen. i wish I knew how to load pics on this laptop, so I could add pics. The other plus for this weekend is that I got to hold Trayten all through the church service and Even rock him to sleep. AHHHHH Auntie blis!!