Thursday, June 30, 2011

Happy birthday Mackenzie

Yup today is the day........13 years. How do I feel today? Ummmmmm overall it was an okay day. We started it by shipping the other kidlets off to school. Then we headed to the cemetery cause that is where I have to go to wish my son a happy birthday. I wish I could take him in my arms just for a minute and hold him. I wish I could hear his voice just for a second, I wish I could feel his warm breath on my face. I wish I could watch the rise and fall of his chest. Most of all I wish I could see his eyes.....I never got these things with this sweet child. Our son silently entered this world...did not utter a sound...never took a breath....never got to hear me tell him I love him......doesn't know what it feels like to be hugged by his mom. For the other children I did a "things I love about them" one for each year. I don't really know where I would even start for Mackenzie, cause.........I don't know him.

This year I would have had two teenagers.....instead I have one teen (who can't stand me and won't talk to me) and a 1foot by 2 foot grave in a cemetery.

I miss my son, I wish he was here. I know he's better off where he is ( at least I can't screw him up right) I understand that there is a good reason that God took him( more on that in a latter post...cause I just don't have the energy for that today)

Most of all I wish that he wasn't ignored, it hurts more to think that people pretend that he wasn't then if they picked up the phone and said how are you. Okay even just a message anything HE IS MY SON...... No amount of years will ever change that, in 30 years I will cry for him, cause he's my son just like Tony and Brycen are my sons. Just cause he didn't breath doesn't make him any less human.

He was a real boy.....he was here....I miss him.....I love him.....I will never not miss him....his picture will never be put away......June 30, will always be the saddest, loneliest day of the year for me. Nothing will ever change that.

We love you Mackenzie Wade, we miss, We are waiting to see you again some day!!

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