Tony

I thi=ought I had posted about each child's birth and yet as I'm looking through the "old" posts I can't find Tony's birth story. We got pregnant with Tony 4 weeks after our first miscarriage the Dr. did not want us to get pregnant for 3 months. With the first miscarriage I had an ultrasound where they found out that the baby had stopped growing at 4 1/2 weeks (I was 8 weeks pregnant) shortly after that ultrasound I lost the baby, then I had to go back for a follow up appointment to make sure that there wasn't anything left that could cause us problems in the future. At that ultrasound the tech showed me where I would ovulate from ( that would now be Tony) I think it's neat that I saw him before he was (if that makes sense). Anyhow Tony's pregnancy was HARD I had stress headaches ALL the time, in fact I only worked for a short time and spent the rest of the time at home. I just couldn't handle the thought that my baby might die. Near the end of the pregnancy we went every 2 weeks for an assessment and I was told that if ever I had a concern about the babies movement I could come in and they would do an assessment for me!! Anyhow there were no real concerns durning this pregnancy other then I was sure he wouldn't make it. we were induced on the morning of Jan. 13, 2000. My labour progressed rather quickly at some point I was given an epidural. At 8:20 pm I was fully dilated, I was asking the dr. to please check me. He wouldn't he just kept saying we have called your Dr. and she will be here any minute. I was hooked up to a fetal heart monitor and only allowed off of it for 15 minutes at a time. Well suddenly the heart beat was gone, of course we freaked out at that point. The Dr. said he was gonna put a monitor on the babies head so that we wouldn't lose the heartbeat again. I remember begging the Dr. to please let me deliver and he just kept saying no, they gave me Thea gas mask and told me to use that, I even told the Dr. he was lucky he was a Cross the room and I couldn't feel my legs because if he got to close I was gonna kick him. I asked Jeff to help me stand up cause I told him then the baby would fall right out. Well when he decided to do the monitor change he came up over to the foot of the bed and he pulled up the blanket and looked over his shoulder at the student that was with him and said to her how do you feel about delivering this baby HE'S RIGHT HERE!!! I just looked at him and said I've been telling you that for a while now. When they finally allowed me to push Anthony was born in 2 pushes.Anthony Braedyn Reimer was born on Jan.13, 2000 at 9:06 pm, I cried so hard as soon as he cried I just couldn't believe that he was alive. I kept saying to Jeff over and over oh Jeff look he's breathing you have to look at him he's actually breathing. Now I always get the shakes really bad when I'm ready o deliver so it's always a little while before I actually hold that baby because I don't want to drop the baby so when I finally dared hold him. I nursed him. While I was nursing him I told the nurse that there was something wrong he wasn't breathing right. She said he just had some Flem in his throat. We went with it finally I he was taken to the nursery and I was moved to my room, My Mom ( who had been there for the birth) and Jeff both went home. I had just fallen asleep when a women came into my room and explained to me that indeed there was something wrong with my babies breathing and that he had been moved into the N.I.C.U and that I should call the nurse in the morning and that she would show me how to get in to see him. That is pretty much all I remember form the conversation. When morning rolled around I did just that I called the nurse and explained that I would like to go see my baby but at this point I didn't even know where he was. She took me down and showed me how to call into N.I.C.U and tell them who I was they buzzed me in and explained that every time I came in I was to wash my hands and arms very well and then showed me where my baby was. I was lead to an incubator with my beautiful son in it (he was huge compared to the other babies he was 7 lbs. 12 oz. the baby next to him was born at 4 lbs and the twins across the way were even smaller) but he was hooked up to so many machines he had two leads to monitor his breathing, one for his heart rate, one to monitor his co2 levels and an I.V. so it was all a little scary. It so happens that I came in at change over so the nurses were Ina meeting, I could see them all standing there but no one cam,e over to me. I sat in the chair staring at my baby wondering if it was bad, it sure looked it!! When they were done Tony's nurse came over and put her hand on my shoulder and asked how I was I started to cry, I told her I was scared and I didn;t know what was happening. She assured me that while they didn't know what was wrong they did know that he was okay, and were still waiting on test results she then explained what all the leads were. Then she allowed me to hold and nurse him. It really wasn't as bad as it looked. After a while I was sent back to my room to rest. At that point I called my Mom, I made her promise she wouldn't tell Jeff that the baby was in the N.I.C.U I wanted to tell him and I would tell him when he got there that evening. Of course when a baby is in the N.I.C.U they don't allow everyone in to see him so only Jeff, myself my parents and Ashton were allowed to see him while he was there. When Jeff came to see us that night I explained of co ruse we were concerned. Tony was born on a Thursday they allowed me to stay with him till Monday then they sent me home. Again I went home with empty arms I cried all the way to my Mom's house (because we lived in Libau 1 1/2 hours form the hospital we stayed at my Mom's for almost a week before the birth and after to) When i saw my Mom I just sobbed, I cried myself to sleep that night. The next day Jeff dropped me at the hospital at 6:00 am then went to work and Tony went for a C.T. scan. All day I waited for the results of the scan but there was a baby brought in with some major heart problems. Anyhow when Jeff got there the plan was that we were gonna go for dinner at hi auntie's house in fact Ashton had been dropped off there because she didn't want to come to the hospital. Well right before we were going to leave the doctor came to see us. He asked if we wanted to take our baby home that night, boy did we ever, he explained what was wrong ( that his one nasal passage was smaller then it should be and that hie threaca wasn't cartaliage the was it should be and was partially collapsing. From there it was decided that we would go have dinner then go home and get the car seat and come back and when we got back he would be ready to go home. The nurse heard us say we were going to surprise my parents and we knew that they had no plans to visit that night ( it had been a very long 5 days since he was born) what we didn't know was that my Dad was going to phone to see how he was. When he phoned he spoke with Tony nus re and she asked if he would be seeing me today? He said yes of course and she said well I'll let her explain what's going on. Of cor use they thought something was wrong, we didn't know that this was happening. We did everything as fast as we could we just wanted to bring our baby home. When we got to my parents house Jeff put the car seat in the kitchen on the floor and my sister came into the living room demanding to know what was happening, all I said was aren't you even going to undress your nephew, she said yeah right he's not in there. I just told her to take a second look at that point she yelled at my Mom "Mom they brought the baby home" it didn't take but a minute for my Mom to appear again tears were shed this time all happy tears. That is when my parents explained how worried they were, but it was a very good surprise!!! The reason i was looking for Tony's birth story is that tomorrow is Tony's 10 birth I can't believe how fast time passes!!!

Really???

This week our postal carrier knocked on the door, We had a registered letter, my first thought.... He didn't really (thinking it was from Ashton's Dad's lawyer,I must note that we do not have a court order, we never have, we have always been adults about this and wanted Ashton not to be in the middle that is until now that's why I really don't get this...anyhow that's not what this post is about) after a quick glance to see where it came from I realize nope it's from Jeff's former job. A quick letter to say that after the temporary lay off that came in November and was to be only for 8 weeks, it still has not picked up and he will not be called back (not that he was going back he is now employed else where and LOVES his job, and hopefully here there won't be the whole I'm the "boss' " friend so I can walk around all day texting on my phone and pretty much doing nothing, with no family to support and not get laid off, while the hard working people with families who have worked there longer get let go) Long story short A BIG FAT lie, we know that they have been calling people back but apparently no one there can man up and make a call. A simple we know you have a new job and so we'll lay you off call. Nope a letter full of lies form a company who prides themselves on being "Christian" . I just don't get it am I saying that EVERYTHING I do is right ummmmm NO, no one is perfect I just think that this was handled way wrong. 7 years of hard work, going to work when he was puking, only leaving when he HAD to. And this is how it ends a letter full of lies. He's hurt to say the least. They could have had the balls to call!!!

My Family

I added a few new things to my blog, one being the silhouette family, as you can see Mackenzie is being held above Jeff's head and is a baby even though he was born almost 13 years ago and the reason I chose this is because he's always going to be a baby in my eyes. I'm not sure what he'll be like when I finally meet him, but it's just to hard to imagine him as a pre teen. Wow he'd be a pre teen, I'd have 3 children in double digits. Well almost Tony hits the big 10 next week. The other new thing is the play list, some of my favorite songs, I LOVE Mercy Me and their song I can only imagine, because I can only imagine what my response will be when I finally see Jesus face to face. The other song on there Amazing Grace, both of these songs usually move me to tears, I can only imagine because it's just so powerful and amazing grace because it's about the only thing I remember about Mackenzie's funeral, other then my milk finally coming in and how much it hurt, yet another reminder that there was no baby to feed, so it hurt emotionally and physically. Anyhow just wanted to do a quick post to point out the "new" things happening in my little bloggy world!!!

I just don't get it!!

I have been a Mom for 14 years, that's right folks I became a Mom at 17, I loved Aston's Dad, I was heart broken when the relationship ended. I would not have chosen this but because of choices he made this is how it had to be. For 1 and a half years I was a single Mom...... it was hard, I still went to school and I worked like I said it was hard. Child support has been there but has been missed at times, so it's not always dependable!! Anyhow when Miss. Ashton was 2 I married Jeff, I have known Jeff since I was 12, Jeff has been Ashton's Dad for 12 years. Now that Ashton is 14 her Dad has finally bought a house and moved out of his parents house. Now he wants my daughter!! I will not give up my daughter, I don't care that I have other children (he doesn't) She's still my kid and I can't let her go. He's VERY angry and she doesn't want to go. She would prefer to have life stay the same. Now if only I could get him to back down, and stop picking fights. The fighting is hurting Ashton way doesn't he get that? I no longer will be expecting child support, he uses this as an excuse to demand things, if he gives me money I will rip it up or burn it, I don't want his money it feels like blood money a good reason for him to cause trouble. I NO LONGER WANT ANY MONEY FROM HIM!!!

How does a person change so much?? How can you love someone so much and have that someone be so different, in the same thought I know that I no longer am the same person that I was 14 years ago, I'd like to think that I an still compassionate person. I know I'm different life has had ALOT of hard lessons for me. I'd also like to think that I'm stronger in my faith with God, The one thing that I have learned is that God is always there even when we think he's not, sometimes he just steps back and lets us find him, he's always there waiting with open arms wanting to be there for us!!!

here we go again ** This is another Mom post and it deals with poop**

So it's a new year and life seems to have settled, do I enjoy working overnights, it could be worse. I really think it's not as bad as everyone thought it would be, however sometimes sleep is hard to come by. Eventually it works out, and lucky me that children asked for pizza pops for lunch that's easy enough.
Yesterday Ashton came home from her Dad's house and he dropped a bomb, he wants Ashton to live with him for 2 weeks out of the month!!! Does he really think this is going to happen? I don''t think so I don't just give my kids away!! Seriously I have NEVER said no to him spending extra time with her, he just never did. and he can pick her up whenever he wants for extra time, but her moving out of my home I don't think so!!With that being said let's see how things work out!!
I pray that whatever happens, it be the best thing for Ashton, not for me and not for her Dad but for Ashton, cause that's what this is all about!!
So over the last week I have barely seen my hubby, Jeff is now working on his on as a driver for CAA and HE LOVES IT!!! I don't think he could have found a more perfect job!! But with him being on the bottom of the totem pole, he has to work the shifts that have been given to him and since I work overnights you see how a problem can suddenly appear. Well last week was no exception I work 11pm to 7 am, and he was working 6 am to 2 pm. Now normally Ashton is here,so she babysits for us, but she went to her friends house and then to Daddy's house so she was gone those two days. So my parents took the 3 younger ones for a sleep over, that stretched to 2 nights. When the kids came home they were excited and had lots of things to tell us, mostly about Buddy( my Dad's beagle). There was however one thing that all three children told me, at different times completely un aware that anyone else had told me. What is that you ask well the exciting thing they did was watch Dr.Oz. Yup Dr. Oz, now this wasn't just any Dr.Oz. show nope this one was about poop!!! And that's why this was so exciting, yup Tony told me all about good fats and bad fats and the sound your poop should make when it hits the water!! Brycen informed me that there were 2 ladies on the show that had to show Dr. Oz what their poop looked like by forming it from clay (that really looked like poop) and J'naya just mentioned that they watch the Dr. Oz show and it was about poop she's not nearly as excited about it as the boys, being a girl and all. So this was the highlight of their visit to Grandma and Grandpa's wait till I tell the folks!!!

new years!!

It is January 1 2010, over the last few days several people have asked what my new years resolutions will be my answer I really don't know!!! I have thought about it and here's what I have come up with:
-I resolve not to let a day go by without the children having there medicine (sometimes it gets forgotten because we're out)
-I resolve to ALWAYS carry a water bottle, because of the kidney stones the kids are always supposed to have access to water but again it's easy to leave the house without water.
-I resolve to try and give up my pop addiction and drink water instead.
-I resolve to try and forgive myself for the loss of Mackenzie, and this is the BIGGY, cause I just don't know where to start or how to do this.

So there it is my resolutions for the year!!!

gonna be a good year!!!

I came here to quickly post!!! I have just come home from yet another overnight (it's the only shift I work) and all is quiet!!! The oldest girl went to a friends house for a sleepover and the youngest three are at grandma and grandpa house!!! I had to walk home this morning because the hubby is working his very first shift as a tow truck driver (all the other shifts were training) today he is all by himself!! He is a touch nervous about it but who are we kidding he couldn't be working a job more perfect for him!!! He will do just fine and he LOVES it!! It's just a touch cold outside -15 but it feels like -35 with the windchill. Anyhow I'm sitting in my brand new Jammie's (I finally got to go to reitmans and buy myself some new things with the gift card my good friends got me a little while ago, and one of the things is my new Jammie's along with a new outfit!!) Thanks again guys!!! Any how the plan is to blog, throw in a load of laundry and get some sleep!!!
It's almost new years and on my walk home I was thinking about new years resolutions, I really don't know what to resolve to do this year. Last year was tough and I know that my faith has lacked sometimes alot!!! But things are on the up and up, hopefully they stay that way. (see there I go again not trusting) but really this year has been far from easy in fact if it were not for some really good friends and my parents we would not have made it!!! My parents have shown up here every week with more food and all I had to do was say the word. In fact sometimes I didn't even say the word they asked the kids and then brought over food!! I am so lucky that they care so much.
In fact things were VERY hard and if it were not for my loving husband I would not be sitting here writ ting these words and Christmas would have been very hard for my whole family this year. For that I am so sorry!!! I promise I will always take my meds!!!
Great now I've made myself cry, but it was hard and I hate feeling that way!! My Mom and I had a conversation about that and she asked what it is that I can't forgive myself for, wow that's a loaded question, but really it's simple, I'm sorry to Ashton for the situation she is in I realize that it is my fault and I truly am sorry but the biggy is my Mackenzie I am so sorry, I should have known and I should have helped him. Plain and simply how does one forgive ones self for not protecting a child and have ti live with the guilt each and every day??? (for more on his story please read this post http://mommato4babiesand3angels.blogspot.com/search/label/Mackenzie%20Wade"> and this one http://mommato4babiesand3angels.blogspot.com/search/label/Mcakenzie%20Wade in my head I know that it really wasn't my fault but try telling my heart that I will live with this guilt forever I can't make it right!!! I'm just so sorry and I love you Mackenzie Wade and if I could go back I'd do everything I could to protect you and while on the subject of my precious angel baby I never got out to the cemetery to bring him a Christmas tree this year either so I'll have to go out soon and bring him something!!! It's just not right that a mommy doesn't get something for her baby, even angel babies!!! I always feel as though I've forgotten him, don't get me wrong not a single day passes that I don't think of him, I think of him in one way or another EVERY day and I always will!!!
On that note maybe I should reslove to try and forgive myself for not protecting my baby and having this horrible tragic ending to his short life ( I just don't know if I can or even where to start, at least I'm not made at God anymore, but that took six years to work out, and Mackenzie's 12Th birthday would be this year) But I'm not making any promises because I just don't know if I can!!!
I'm gonna leave this post at that and hopefully be back soon to post about Christmas!!!



My beautiful angel baby