age???

I have never been one to worry to much about how old I am getting, mainly because I have been a Mom since I was 17, and when you become a Mom your suddenly responsible for another person, so I`d like to think I have always been more mature then your average teen. For one I was never a partying,drinking kinda girl I had a baby at home and if I didn`t look after her no one did (since her dad was so much help)
anyway, a few weeks ago it suddenly hit........I AM GETTING OLD.....now I am not very old yet (the ripe old age of 33). Now you may be wondering why I began thinking of my age. Last week my uncle died and it hit me that in fact I am old enough to be losing my aunts and uncles, and it`s scary.......the other thing is that my daughter will be turning 16 this month, how scary is that......I cannot believe that I am old enough for all this to be happening.
Now as I age things change I have never been allergic to anything in my life....as I hit 30 that seemed to change, I cannot be around when my dad treats his yard for dandelions, I had a severe allergy attack at the cabin this summer....I`m talking swollen, watery eyes.....sneezing it was horrible thankfully my mother in law came to me rescue with some allergy eye drops. Same with my back a few years ago I feel from a ladder and for the most part I have been okay, but recently my back has hurt alot, one slight wrong move and I feel it for days.......There are other things that you guys don`t wanna know about, but yup I am getting old and theres no stopping it!!!

memories.......

As it sometimes happens today I am missing my Mackenzie, I don't know what brings it up, but today is one of those days. I just wish I could hold him, I wish I could see him breath, I wish I could see those eyes. I wish he could know his siblings. I wish I could stop the hurt. Now please don't get me wrong, I don't wish him back to earth, really he has the best life. He is in heaven with his maker, I can only imagine how wonderful his life has been there. I just wish for 1 hour, just 1 hour just for him to hear my voice, to see his eyes.

It seems not only has this sweet boy been on my mind he has also been on his siblings minds, J'naya this past week asked if we could please go visit her brother, I asked what she meant and she said I wanna go see Mackenzie please Mom. So today we went to see him. They did not know where we were headed, but as soon as we turned off the highway ( the cemetery is on a dirt road, off one of the main highways near here.) onto the dirt road, Brycen yelled we're gonna go see Mackenzie. Once there Brycen announced that we are to buy Mackenzie a head stone that stands up ( we only have a flat grave marker.) We then had to explain that the section where Mackenzie sleeps is only for flat markers we are not allowed to have an upright marker. He seemed okay buy this but they all want to bring him gifts so maybe I need to take them shopping to let them pick something to share with their brother. I started this post a while back and didn't post it, because i don't like being judged for still feeling this way but then when J started asking about him I decided to go ahead and post it.

As we were driving down the road to see our sweet son, it dawned on me that I never rode in a car with this baby outside my body, the only "car" rides this sweet boy ever had were both done by the funeral home. I should have rode in the car with him. He did not go to the grave site in a hearse , he was so small he was in the back seat of a car.

I love you sweet baby and we all miss you <3

summer

It's been a while since I posted, what have we been up to this summer? Well my in laws have been building a cabin so we have spent a few weekends out there camping and helping. The kids love spending time in the lake and playing on the beach. We also went camping with my family, it was a blast. We had a great weekend. W
My sister has had a busy summer moving almost 4 hours away, so we spent a Saturday helping her move some stuff and un pack the stuff we moved. As far as I know her little family is all moved in and unpacked. The kids have had their 6 month appointment with the doctor, the ultrasound showed calcium deposits in both children's kidneys, this means more water, the question is how do we do that? I think I have an idea I'm gonna get a chiming clock, that way when the clock chimes it's time for water. I think this may help increase the amount of water they drink. However Tony had a spot in his kidney we were watching and it seems to be gone, so that's good news, instead of becoming a problem it seems to have past. Both children's kidney function is still normal, so no worries there. We are still waiting on the kids EKG results, and the 24 hour urine, but all seems to be going well.
The kids also went to kidney camp at camp Stephens last week, they loved it. J was worried about going and shed some tears, but they are so excited about going again, that's all they talk about. I'm glad they had so much fun, the also learned alot about kidney disease and meet a bunch of kids who also had kidney issues.
what else have we been up to? Not much really though we have spent ALOT if time down in the pool, the kids LOVE that pool. In fact I think we will make use of it again today.

your thoughts???

I don't know if anyone follows this blog...I know I seem to rant like a crazy lady......though I'm really not (yup I keep telling myself that :-) ) anywho......I have an important question and I want truthful answers NO answer is gonna hurt my feelings I just wanna know how others think/feel about it.


That being said you all know I have 5 children.......four live on earth with me, and one (the lucky one) lives in heaven with Jesus, and his 2 great grandmas,a great grandpa and a handful of aunts/uncles ( I told you he's lucky). Now.....here`s my question. If you were his earthly Grandma and you were getting a gift that had each grandchild's birth stone on it would you want to have his stone included.....I`m a wondering if it would be to painful to have to answer the questions about the said child or if it would be okay to add him.

Just so we are clear this is a gift I would be buying for my mother, I just wanna know how all you out there would feel about it. Since he is my child I would be offended if I received a gift that did not include his stone he is my son, even though he`s not here. I just don`t wanna make it harder on my mother by always having to explain. There have been comments about how she has 6 grand kids when in reality, she has my 5, my sister`s 1 and my brothers 1....so I always am reminded that my dead child does`nt `count`............So I really want answers folks.......would you as the Grandmother want him included ÉÉ (sorry my computer things it`s Spanish again)

******warning tear alert*******

Still

WHAT DO YOU BEILEVE??

Recently I was asked what do you believe?? In the middle of a conversation about faith.......I had to stop and think about that for a second. Now I grew up in a christian home. I went to church EVERY Sunday. As a teen I was baptized, I believe Jesus died for my sins......I believe that Jesus rose again. Jesus is my savior. However I feel betrayed, did he forget about me? Why do all the bad things happen to me? Now I'm not talking about bad things, like this horrible tooth ache I've been dealing with, I'm talking a dead child......children with a horrible disease.......a child who can't stand me most days. I WANT A BREAK. I want to feel not forgotten. I want to feel like I belong in a church, I want, I want, I want........Maybe some of this is my problem I want and I haven`t given God the opportunity to show me what he wants. Really never even thought about that until I wrote this...........Really just now.............Maybe I need to start asking what do you want from me?

Light bulb moment?

weight loss

I have started a weight loss journey.....I purposely didn't tell folks when I started because I didn't wanna flop. However I did start losing some weight 5 lbs to be exact.......I'm thrilled. I started with baby steps, 3 weeks ago I stopped drinking regular pop (I try not to drink pop at all but sometimes I drink diet), then I started to walk stairs when I can instead of taking the elevator. I won't tell you how much I weigh though I will tell you I have roughly 80 to 100 lbs to lose. Besides the 5 pounds that are gone I have noticed that I have ALOT more energy, So in the grand scheme of things 5 lbs is not alot, but still it's 5 pounds less then 3 weeks ago!!! Woot...woot..... I'm thrilled hopefully I can keep it up.

Happy birthday Mackenzie

Yup today is the day........13 years. How do I feel today? Ummmmmm overall it was an okay day. We started it by shipping the other kidlets off to school. Then we headed to the cemetery cause that is where I have to go to wish my son a happy birthday. I wish I could take him in my arms just for a minute and hold him. I wish I could hear his voice just for a second, I wish I could feel his warm breath on my face. I wish I could watch the rise and fall of his chest. Most of all I wish I could see his eyes.....I never got these things with this sweet child. Our son silently entered this world...did not utter a sound...never took a breath....never got to hear me tell him I love him......doesn't know what it feels like to be hugged by his mom. For the other children I did a "things I love about them" one for each year. I don't really know where I would even start for Mackenzie, cause.........I don't know him.

This year I would have had two teenagers.....instead I have one teen (who can't stand me and won't talk to me) and a 1foot by 2 foot grave in a cemetery.

I miss my son, I wish he was here. I know he's better off where he is ( at least I can't screw him up right) I understand that there is a good reason that God took him( more on that in a latter post...cause I just don't have the energy for that today)

Most of all I wish that he wasn't ignored, it hurts more to think that people pretend that he wasn't then if they picked up the phone and said how are you. Okay even just a message anything HE IS MY SON...... No amount of years will ever change that, in 30 years I will cry for him, cause he's my son just like Tony and Brycen are my sons. Just cause he didn't breath doesn't make him any less human.

He was a real boy.....he was here....I miss him.....I love him.....I will never not miss him....his picture will never be put away......June 30, will always be the saddest, loneliest day of the year for me. Nothing will ever change that.

We love you Mackenzie Wade, we miss, We are waiting to see you again some day!!

hit hard

boy did we get hit hard this last week. It started with Brycen he coughed and coughed and coughed. He had a sore throat and a fever. It was so bad that we took him to the walk-in (we do not have a pediatrician/family doctor) we even missed his kindergarten grad it was either we miss that or have to take him to the e.r. I did not want to do either one but in the end the walk in was our choice. Then Miss.J she coughed but not nearly as bad. We did vaporizers (cool mist...Tony and J can not have anything other then Tylenol so no cough syrup and no Vick's) and propped the mattresses. then came the hubby and me. Now if the hubby would not be so stubborn it probably would not have been so hard but instead of taking 1 sick day he kept going to work and ended up suffering. He has been the sickest of us all. Coughing, puking, headaches....you name a symptom he had it.

I organized my first ever Christmas ornament exchange. I was hoping for 4 or 5 people to sign up. I was quite excited to see 20 people sign up and the numbers kept growing. I started to get worried. The final tally.......204. I hope everyone keeps their end of the bargain, and stitches their ornament and sends it. I have been preparing for the worst case scenario and stitching like mad so that if someone doesn't get and ornament I can send them one that I stitched so they will get one. If alot of people don't follow through I"m in BIG trouble.

fathers day

so today is fathers day.....what a shitty day. Last night I did not sleep like at all 7 am rolled around and I was still awake. So I did have a small snooze and went to a family gathering. Of which my oldest daughter did not attend. She hates me. All those years of Jeff getting USP driving Ashton to school at 4 am, cleaning up her puke when she was sick, etc,etc. Jeff did all the things Ferd would not. Jeff stood up and took Ferd's place when Ferd couldn't me man enough. Only to have Ashton turn around and demand his insurance number, not even a happy fathers day. Then I call to say sorry for somethings I said a few weeks ago and I get blasted. Where is my daughter where is that wonderful caring girl I raised? When do I get her back. Instead of this person who is totally brain washed by someone who really most her life didn't give a rip. If he really had cared then he would not have spent her childhood taking her to car shows and hanging with dope heads. He would have done kid things. But alas none of that matters because I'm an F***ing B***** who does not deserve to have children.

It all makes me so sad. One day It will be to much and I will give in and find a bridge and be done with this hell I call life. Maybe then someone will love me. i just don''t know what else to do to make this hurt all stop and I'm about done trying.

abc's of me!!!

A - Age: 33
B - Bed size: queen Size
C - Chore you hate: dishes
D - Dog's name: Gracie but i had to give her away ...I miss her
E - Essential start of the day item: Toothbrush & toothpaste, can't eat or drink a thing till i have cleaned my teeth.
F - Favorite colour: purple.
G - Gold or Silver: Silver
H - Height: 5'6"
I - Instruments you play: organ....yup organ had lessons for 8 years played in church till I was shunned
J - Job: building care taker
K - Kids: 5 4 on earth and 1 in heaven
L - Living arrangements: 3 bedroom apartment
M - Music you love: Mercy me I can only imagine
N - Nicknames: don't have any won't share what I was called as a kid it was mean.
O - Overnight hospital stay at hospital:only when I had my babies
P - Pet Peeve:back talk.
Q -Quote from a movie: Two weeks!!!!!!
R - Right handed or left: right
S - Siblings: Sisters 1 , Brother 1 all younger then me.
T - Time you wake up: 6:30
U - Underwear: comfy
V - Vegetable you dislike:asparagus
W - Workout Style: avoid it
X - X-rays you've had: yup on my wrist and hip
Y - Yummy food you make: lasagna.
Z - The best place to visit:somewhere warm

that was easy

Since I am the "universal" blood type I have decided to donate blood. Now the first time I went it took a long time, like and hour long time. So since you can donate every 56 days, today was my next appointment. However my hubby is working evenings so I had to drop him off at work, and pick him up again at 10 so that I can have the car. Now this isn't the worst part, the worst part was that I had to take my youngest 3 children with me, this SCARED me. I couldn't get anyone to watch the kids for me ( which is why the hubby and I NEVER go on dates) anyhow off we go. Jeff told the kids that if they behaved he would take them to bdi (the bridge drive inn) for ice cream and the could have anything they wanted. The kids were super great , the appointment went fast (1/2 hour) It was a breeze!!

I also had a chance to have a good friend over whom we have not seen in a long time. It was good to have her and her girls over, enjoy a meal together and catch up. I look forward to spend more time together. We also spent an evening playing at the playground with Owen. i wish I knew how to load pics on this laptop, so I could add pics. The other plus for this weekend is that I got to hold Trayten all through the church service and Even rock him to sleep. AHHHHH Auntie blis!!

hi, ho, hi, ho a camping we will go

the first camping trip of the season was great. We went camping at the in laws "cabin" well shell of a cabin, we stayed in our camper. Friday we left it was nice and sunny out. My father in law brought the kids bikes out in the back of his truck. So while I set up the camper the kids rode bikes and the hunny helped his parents. AHHHH vacation! The camper was used last fall by someone other then us and left VERY dirty when packed up so I cleaned all this and got it all ready for night time. Saturday it drizzled all day but it wasn't horrible, we had put up a tarp over the fire area when we got there so we could all sit around the fire and not get wet. Of course the kids still played either under the over hang of the roof ( when it was raining to hard to ride bikes) or they rode their bikes. They had a blast and since we didn't have access to showers we sponge bathed the kids before bed, I warmed their socks by the fire and they crawled into bed toasty warm. their runners were so wet that we set them out next to the fire to dry for the next daySunday dawned bright and sunny and we had a great day running and playing in the sun. Then Monday morning it was so cold we decided to pack up and go home. All in all it was a great weekend and we had tons of fun!!
and course we were joined by our very first niece Amira Shea at 5 weeks old I could not get over how "old" she looked!! Wise beyond her weeks!!

nothing right?

It seems no matter what I do it's never right. I don't get it. I talk to folks I say the wrong things. I don't talk I'm ignoring them!! I don't know what is right anymore? Ugh why is everything so hard?

So we call the pharmacy to get the kids meds and again there's a problem. they didn't make them, so we ask for them to be made and today we get the call that one of the ingredients will not be here until Thursday or Friday, so again we wait. Then there's the oh yeah you know how much this will cost per kid right? me: yup I know.Them: But that's per kid. Me: yup I know.Them: these drugs will not be covered by your plan you will have to pay out of pocket. Me: yup I know Them: you still want us to make them? Me:yup flavored please! :-) Every month we do this however we had to change pharmacy's as the old one couldn't get these drugs anymore and this on will compound them for us. So I guess with time they will stop asking. I did however get the kids their vitamin d on sale they have to take 2000 iu each day and I always buy the jamieson brand ones ( less additives then the others) and I buy the chocolate soft chews they are more expensive but I ALWAYS check cause they go on sale about every 3 months and then they sell for $3.99 (instead of $8.99) so of course I always buy 2 or 3 to last the next three months!!




We had the party, it went well. The kids all came here. We then went to the school play ground and had a picnic, teddy bear shaped sandwiches, watermelon and a verity of veggies and dip. Then back to the apartment for cupcakes, and gifts and then back downstairs with Popsicles to wait for parents.
Six reasons I love Brycen:

1. That lazy smiles he ALWAYS gives us when we wake him up.
2. The way he pretty much knows how everything works around here cause he's with me all afternoon.
3. His willingness to always give me hugs and kisses. (I love those)
4. His love of fruit and veggies. (He'd be okay with carrots all the time)
5. How much he loves his friends and school.
6. How much one on one time I still get with him. I'll miss this once he's in school full time!

introducing............

Bonnie.......

and clyde.....


and what on earth is this about?????

it's just May 1 after all why would we be surprise about a snow storm?? Last week plus 20 and shorts this week minus 3 and frostbite!!!






what am I up to??? who can guess??

I haven't done a post for Brycen's birthday but I'm saving it for his party in a few weekends, it has had to be delayed because of easter, Jeff working weekend over nights (he would not appericate 16 5year olds in the apartment while he tried to sleep :-) ) and then mothers day but it's coming!!

so we have another addition to our silly things we say to our kids todays is "brycen, get off the dryer.............now get out of the dryer!!"

and last but not least we did redneck moving and now.........
redneck laundry!!

Dear Ashton

Dear Ashton,
Life has not always been easy for you and I , but through it all you and I were together. I wouldn't change any of it cause I love you. I know that this last year has been VERY hard for both of us, alot of what we have been through is cause of some of the choices we have made. It doesn't matter though cause I love you. Some of it is because of outside influence. Again it doesn't matter cause I love you. There have been things said and done by both of us that have hurt our relationship, and we can't seem to find our way back. It doesn't matter because I love you. I want to have a good relationship with you cause I love you. I want to be able to pick up the phone and chat with you, but I can't cause your angry and won't talk to me. But I still love you. The last time we talked you said VERY hurtful things to me. But I still love you. I want you to be able to come over and follow the rules, not not speak disrespecting everyone. Cause I love you. I want you to be successful in all you do. Cause I love you. I want you to know that I am here for you when you decide that I'm worth it, cause I love you. Mostly I want you to know that no matter what I will be here for you when you graduate, when you Marry, when you have kids, when you sick, whenever you need me, even if you don't want me to because I love you. I also want you to know that I am not proud of some of the things you have said and done..........but I am proud of you, but most of all I want you to know that.......

I LOVE YOU!!

if I was a drinker.......

I would be getting drunk right now.

we moved recently, I called the government offices to let them know. Someone screwed up so I did not receive my child tax payment. Normally not a huge deal. We can manage without it. However this month of all months. I NEED that money (but I can't get it) You see, my kids prescription is sitting at the pharmacy waiting to be picked up (no it is not covered by insurance it's "herbal" so it doesn't count....never mind that it is saving they're lives who cares still not covered) and we are talking $250.00 worth of drugs. No I don't have that right now. Not only that but we had work done on our car and it is sitting in the shop waiting for us to come get it ( can't didn't get the money) the car insurance that's coming out of our account today........no funds to cover it. All because someone in a high paying government job F***** up. How oh how will I fix this??

Where is that damn money tree.....I NEED $250.00 just for a little while please oh please money tree.

busy days

It has been VERY busy around here.......it was spring break last week and myself and my sisters took all the kidlets to the museum of man and nature. We all had great fun.
Though mister Trayten slept through alot of it :-) the only thing missing was my Ashton. However we did family pics and Ashton was there they are GREAT!!! I wish I could post pics but my scanner is not working!! :-( They turned out very well and I love them!!


what you don't see in this pic is that Trayten spit up all over as this was snapped!!


Owen LOVED these pillows my sister in law kept piling them on him and he thought it was great!!



the kidlets checking out the exhibits!!



the five kids all together!!

The other thing I have been busy with is my fabric stash.....Having moved 4 times in a year (ouch that's ALOT of moves!!) the fabric was EVERY where!!! Not any more!!!

this is what I did: the closet closed then:
you get this when opened.......
then the fabric is wrapped on cardboard "bolts"

the small bolts are fat quarters and samll pieces, the larger bolts are larger then fat quarter sizes.

and there we have it

So the kids had their appointments at children's clinic today, it was better news. J'naya's numbers went way done from over 2000 to 900 ( still almost double what they want ot at they'd like it at about 550) Tony's numbers didn't really change still just over 900. Plan of action?? Eye appointments.......EKG's ( to see if the oxalate is doing any damage)....... ultrasounds (to see if there are kidney stones forming). so all in all the Dr. does`t think we`ll be able to get the levels back to `normal`so we may just have to live with what we got! She did suggeste i go on the mayo clinic website to `talk` to parents who also deal with PH1 , she also wants me to see if there is anyway we can all go to the `gathering`of the Ph 1 patients that happens every year however the last one was last summer and in new york (yup can`t afford that) so we will see! Now a BIG problem is finding a pharmacy that will make the K-citra for me so far no luck if I can't find one then I'll have to call the doctor and get another new me.

In other news.......the kids brought home report cards this week Good news all around.....Nothing below a 3 (back in the day that would be a C) and we brought home a pile of 1 ( that would be A's) so they all did well. Well the three that still live at home did the one that lives with her Dad did not show me her report card....I'm not allowed to see it....Daddy says so...I'm also not allowed to punish her.....again Daddy says so. I wonder if Daddy forgets that I carried that child in my body for 9 months, I did EVERYTHING for her for 14 years and now I am nothing.....Anyhow I guess you can see how that is going basically she is being "brain washed" by Mr. Wonderful. I'm still not sure how to handle all that.....All I want is my Ashton back....I miss her ALOT!!

a day in the life

a day in the life of me. Lots of people have asked me what I do all day well here goes:
7:30 am: I go downstairs check the laundry room, clean, sweep and mop. Every six weeks I also close the laundry room for the morning and pull out all the machines and clean underneath them.
from there I go to the lobby and sweep, mop and vacuum. I also clean the windows on the doors, I wipe down the railings on the ramp, and wipe down the furniture. It amazes me how many people must allow their children to climb on their sofas at home with their shoes on, cause their are ALWAYS little foot prints on these sofas. Just cause they don't belong to you does not make it okay!!
I also sweep, mop, and vacuum the ramp leading to the parkade, and check the stairwells and sweep and mop them if needed.

I then go to the center stairwell and clean it ( it's a royal pain cause the stairs have grooves and in order to clean them I have to vacuum.)

from there I go upstairs and I either sweep and mop in front of all the elevators or i vacuum 2 full floors. However I like to switch it up......I was told one day I was late. I don't like to be told when to do things so I try to keep people guessing.
I do get a 20 minute break in the morning which I usually don't take.

Then I get my lunch.
at 12:00 am I take the phone for my manager so she can go on her lunch (I'm on call everyday from 12:00-2:00)

After lunch I do whatever job I didn't do in the morning.(either sweep and mop in front of the elevator's or vacuum the floors) When I do in front of the elevators I also clean the elevators.
and dust the fire hoses,fire extinguisher, walk down all the stairwells looking for burnt out lightblubs and messes.

There are also extra things that get done, like cleaning all the railings in all the stairwells, and washing all the walls in the hallways. I have also scrubbed floors, clean all the lint traps in the dryers.

Then there are the apartment re cleans. If someone moves out, and doesn't do a good job cleaning I go in and re clean it. or if someone was working in the apartment I clean up after them (however I get paid extra for this.)

My two big complaints are yes I am the caretaker but that does not mean I have to listen to your every complaint ( especially if I am sitting in the dentists office with my kids) and if you drop a dirty Kleenex for goodness sake please pick it up, there is no dirty Kleenex fairy I have to pick those up.

another what????

I love cross stitching.... I LOVE quilting and this week I started crocheting, as if I need another hobby!!! It started as a way to make slippers for the kids. I'm not really good with yarn and it probably won't get to anything fancy but I wanted to make slippers so make slippers I did!!! I think they turned out well! I used a large ball of yarn and was able to make a pair of slippers for J,Tony and Brycen. I will get another ball of yarn and make a pair for Ashton. Once the slippers were done I realized that to tell them apart ( mainly J and Tony's) I would have to add a button or something so I found these cute beads and they picked what they wanted Brycen picked orange elephants, J picked green giraffes and Tony picked pick fish!!

This week we also had dentist appointments and Brycen had is impacted tooth pulled, and a custom spacer put it. So far he hasn't complained at all the only really problem will be keeping the spacer clean as everything gets caught in there!!

another year gone by

Miss. J turned 9 on Feb 12, I know I'm REALLY behind. Anyhow since I'm doing the things I love about you It's time for J's.
9 things I love about J:
1. Her shy quietness......it's not always about being seen and heard.
2. her willingness to learn how to do new things
3. the silly things she does in her sleep (she's a sleep walker)
4. her love for her big sister.
5. her silly laugh, and ability to be really silly.
6. that she's always willing to take on responsibility.
7. how she always wants to hold the new "baby"
8. her love of animals, she could get the wildest animal to trust her!
9. I love that God choose me to be her Mom!

alone

I always feel so alone, maybe it's mostly my part but I really am alone. I really have no friends again part of this is my fault, I have not called people or not gone out with people. But then there have been times that I have tried and was rejected. How many times does one try before they give up?? I really feel alone. I have lost my closest friend of 15 years over a battle of who's the better Mom. I have no friends in the city because I have been away for 10 years and all the friends I had in Selkirk are there, and I feel like I've let those friendships slide, heck most of them don't talk to me anymore. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, I know that alot of this is my fault, however I did spend a whole year working overnights and while I did that I almost felt like I didn't have a weekend.....my time was always spent trying to sleep or trying to catch up on sleep. Now that I work days I suddenly have no one. Not only that but my husband works evenings most of the time so i don't have a car to get around. Sure I could drop him off but do I really want to get all the kids up at 3 am to pick their dad up at work? I wish I still had my Gracie she was always there, but even that is gone.

Now the real question is how do I make/re build friendships??

I'm at a loss......all I know is I'm REALLY lonely, I don't even feel like I have someone I could call to chat with!!

fabric friday...........a day late :-)

This is my first finished project of 2011:


I really like the pattern, I don't like how it's hanging it seems off somehow, I'm gonna try putting a wooden dowel on the bottom as well as the top and hopefully that helps! The flowers are 3-d flowers. Lie I said I really like it but am somewhat disappointed by it to. Hopefully the next project turns out better.


I have also included a picture from last weeks move,

yup we're rednecks :-)

meds!

I received a call today from the children's doctor, the news was not good. Both kids had fairly high oxalate output, Tony's was at 900 and J'naya's is 2100. The normal is 500. This is a concern. Now are the levels high because they aren't actually taking the meds ( We have caught J flushing hers, or hiding them in her sleeve) or is it because the meds are no longer working?? The plan is to watch them like hawks to make sure the meds are making into their bodies and retesting them in 1 month. I hope it's cause they aren't taking them. I do not want my kids to have to face a transplant!! I have also brought in a new "tool" to make sure the kids take their meds at the right dose EVERY day. Basically it's a white board/cork board, I used little zip lock bags on the bags is the first letter of the child's name and a number ( I.E. J-2 would be J'naya's for the second) so each day the child takes the bag for that day and it has all the meds they need in it. This way if either one misses I know who!! I hope this will make it easier to do. It is also on the wall which will make it noticeable and harder to forget. I also made some of these baggies to leave with my parents for sleepovers so that even at Grandma and Grandpas they get their dose!!



that's what it looks like. It's one months worth of medication ( we won't mention the cost all of which IS NOT covered by insurance) We will be offering a reward at the end of the month for all the days the meds were taken!! I hope this works!!

done!

That's it the move is done, we are now in a three bedroom apartment in the building I'm the caretaker in!!! I'm pooped, the other apartment is clean and the keys have been handed in (though they charged me $60.00 for extra cleaning) anyhow, it's done!! Now for the painters o come in and finish painting and we can settle in and unpack everything.It is very nice to have a bedroom again. I don't wish to move again for a VERY long time!!

We didn't do our "new" recipe last week because it was a crazy week, maybe I'll do two this week we'll see ;-). So for our random act of kindness this weekend I went to Tim's and randomly paid for the order of the car behind me. I drove away with a happy heart even though itt was not someone I knew it's fun to randomly do nice things for strangers!

Now for the silly things we say to our kids............ Why is there a slurpee in a glove??? Yup I actually asked that this week!!

chaos

there is utter chaos in my house right now!!! We are set to move in 6 days..........6 DAYS!!! Now because I'm the caretaker I know some of the secrets, so most of our stuff is already over there in a storage room! However I still have the kids rooms and the kitchen to pack, as we speak the hubby is out getting some boxes and the fridge is defrosting! I want this move to be as painless as possiable, pretty much just have to move the furiture over there. We don't have much in the way of furiture anyhow, no sofa to speak of, we do have a futon (it SUCKS!!) so pretty much our bedroom furiture (beds and dressers) and our t.v, our computer desk and the kitchen table it shouldn't take long .

I have been reading this blog and she has been doing project 31, 31 random acts of kindess. She has inspired me!! So as a random act of kindess today I threw someone's laundry into the dryer with a dryer sheet and started it!! I hope it brightens thier day. This was a total unplanned act so I did not have my camara with me, infact I had to go back up to my apartment and write a note and then put it in the laundry basket. The kids were there with me and the LOVED it, maybe this will inspire them :-) I hope to do more random acts of kindness and would gladly take some suggestions!!!

this weeks recipes

To check out the recipe I used, read more

Apple and Pear Pie
Crust from Jessica Appelgren's Huckleberry Peace Pie, Filling adapted from Diana's Desserts, and Crumble mixture from YumSugar

Crust
[Note: I cut this in half and used a crumble topping instead.]
2 cups butter
2-2/3 cups flour
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt

1. Chill the butter in the freezer for 10 minutes so that’s it’s really cold.
2. Pour the flour over the butter on a large work surface, covering the butter so that it won’t stick to your rolling pin.
3. Roll the butter out flat, collect the mixture with a scraper, and re-roll it two or three times.
4. Make a hole in the middle of the mixture and add the water and salt, cutting the liquid into the mix with the scraper until you have a workable dough.
5. Roll the dough out flat one more time, cut it in half, and place in the freezer.

Filling
1/4 cup golden brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1/8 - 1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/8 tsp salt
5 firm but ripe pears, peeled, cored and sliced
4 apples, peeled, cored and sliced
2 tbsp of lemon juice
2 tsp vanilla extract

1. In a large bowl, stir together the filling ingredients, mixing till well-combined.

Crumble Topping
1/2 cup flour
1/2 stick butter
1/3 cup sugar
1/3 cup golden brown sugar
1 tsp cinnamon

1. Mix the butter and flour with the fork until it is textured like breadcrumbs.
2. Add sugars and cinnamon to mixture and mix well.
3. If it is too dry, use the leftover liquid from the apple/pear mixture to help.

Assemble

1. Roll one piece of pie crust into a 12-inch round and gently lay it into the pie pan.
2. Spoon in filling. Do not add all of the extra liquid.
3. Evenly put the crumble mixture over the apples.
4. Bake pie in a preheated 425°F oven for 15 minutes.
5. Reduce the heat to 375°F and bake for an additional 45 minutes or until the top is brown and filling is bubble.
This pie was so good, exepct I'm the only one eating it and I don't need a whole pie by myself :-)

Today we had tacos............I know whats new about this well it's a recipe I recently came across in my Mother's stash of recipes from when we were younger, I made these in grade 8 cooking class ( a few years ago ;-) ) I LOVE them!!! Every part opf them is home made!! so here's the recipe:

Soft taco shells,
250 ml. flour 125 ml. cornmeal
1ml. salt 375 ml cold water
1 egg beaten 1 chili powder
mix all ingrediants together to make a runny dough, spoon them into a hot pan (I used a table top grill) spread themo out so they cover the bottom of the pan totally and evenlly ( they should be fairly thin) allow to cook, do not flip ( they will cook all the way through)


meanwhile.....

Filling
50 ml. chopped onion 1 clove garlic crushed
15. ml oil 1 ml salt
5 ml chili powder 400 grams hamburger
125 ml tomato sauce

in a frying pan brown hamgurger with oil, onion and garlic. Add salt and chili powder. Once throughly cooked at the tomato sauce.

Done now top with your favorite taco toppings and enjoy.............Freeze any extra taco shells. SO yummy........... I had three ;-).We will be having these again!!!


Last week we had two exicting things happen first Tony turned 11, I think this yaer I'll try something different for each kids birthday, in my post I'm gonna do the things I love about you ( in Tony's case 11 things I love about you!)

So here goes the 11 things I love about you:
1. How you really don't care what your wearing as long as it covers your good.
2. How you can be friends with EVERYONE.
3. How you make friends EVERYWHERE.
4. How smart you are, you know everything, if we need to remeber something just tell Tony he remembers everything.
5. How you need to know how everuthing works.
6. How you know any vechicle just by looking at it ( i.e. when I took the car in to atuopac ti be assed, I didn't know what the car next to us was but you did!)
7. How prtective you are over your borther and sisters, I'm sure you'd jump in the way of a car to protect them.
8. How you have taken the new responsablities we have given you and run with them.
9. How you would give the shirt off your back to someone who needs it.
10. How your always the first to try something new.
and last but not least #11 how you choose me to be your mom!!!

I love you bud, I'm so proud to call you my son!!

The other exciting thingt that happened last week is the birth of my new nephew born January 14, at 1:40 a.m. ( just an hour and forty minutes after Tony's birthday eneded) he weighed 7 lbs 1 oz. and his name is Trayten Colby. He is the sweetest little guy. I am now the proud auntie of three nephews ( though one of them I NEVER get to see)




Lastly let me leave you with what I saw when I opened my fridge today:

I had to have J'naya redo it with a permanet maker because the pencil wouldn't show up in the picture!! I think this egg has found a forever home :-) ( it says "pick him" -> )

I used to wonder

I used to wonder .......
- how did Ashton's Dad go about life with his child growing up close to him and yet so far away.
- how was every second weekend okay with him?
- if there was a pain worse then losing a child?
- if a friend will always be trust worthy.
- how often one person can cry themselves to sleep EVERY night

Now I don't wonder about those things anymore cause I know,
- Ashton's Dad lived life without her in it everyday because he had to ( his own choice I might add)
- There is pain worse then losing a child........being rejected by one who you love so much you would GLADLY claw out your own eyeballs, or tear off your own skin......if only you knew she was safety tucked into her bed in your home. Or have the chance to give her a hug.
-there is no one person you can completely trust in some way they will hurt you so it's better to stay safe and "hide" then dare open up your heart and trust again.
- forever!!

Now I wonder......................
- will it ever hurt less?
- will I ever see that beautiful face again?
- why didn't I cherise the moments spent with her?
- how do "friends" sleep at night, after all the damage they have caused?
- will I ever be able to fix this?
I wonder!

so silly things we say

Jeff says "whose pear is this??"
Brycen "it's mine!"
Jeff" oh I thought it was J's"
Brycen"nope mine, I chopped it like a chef."

Can we say Jeff watches WAY too much food network!!

new recipes

we made the first of what I hope will be many new recipes for 2011. This one was homemade beef ravioli with homemade Alfredo sauce was it ever good!!!

Jeff gave it an 8, the kids gave it a 5 and I'd go with a 10( but i love pasta)

this is what it looked like I know ravioli should be square but I don't have a square cookie cutter and everyone was hungry so we went with round!!

THIS is the recipe for the Alfredo sauce, and THIS is the recipe for the filling, and THIS is the pasta recipe I used. We will be having this again!!

all done for another year!!

Well christmas is done for another year it's a little sad to see it go but kind of good too!!! :-) Anyhow the gatherings are done and the gifts are un wrapped and things are put away. Though I'm not a "resaltions" kind of person I did say last year I wanted to "forgive" myself for Mackenzie's death. This is where I am at right now, the one comment made to me when we lost Mackenzie (it doesn't matter what it was) I haved talked to the person who made the comment and all is forgiven and I feel GREAT about it. I know it wasn't my fault. I don't have him here right now and I miss him. However I did have him for 9 months and I have some meomories. So I am licky I got to have him at all. I could never had have him and that would have been worse.

So for this year my "goals" are to lose at least 10 pounds, and to try a new recipe every week. I hope this all works out for us!!!

So today as I was coming home to check on the kids, I meet a man holding a 3 foot elf in his arms. he told me him and the elf were getting divorced I asked him "why she's cute" he then promtly handed her to me and said here have her. Of course I couldn't resist playing a prank on the children. I stood her up and knocked on the door and disappeared into the stairwell ( which is right next to our apartment door) I then "watched" as Tony came to the door I could hear him at the door but didn't opnen it right away. Then he went back to the living room. Of coruse I knoked again and this time he slowly opened the door, then went back into the apartment, I could here talking and again the door slowly opened and out popped Brycen he got on his knees and talked to the elf then picked her up and took her into the apartment!!! It was the funniest thing I had a good laugh!!

This leads me to something I'm gonna start on my blog it will be called "the dumb things I have to say to the kids"

1. "Brycen don't stand on the elf."

Since this follows my post do I have to say anymore??