gonna be a good year!!!

I came here to quickly post!!! I have just come home from yet another overnight (it's the only shift I work) and all is quiet!!! The oldest girl went to a friends house for a sleepover and the youngest three are at grandma and grandpa house!!! I had to walk home this morning because the hubby is working his very first shift as a tow truck driver (all the other shifts were training) today he is all by himself!! He is a touch nervous about it but who are we kidding he couldn't be working a job more perfect for him!!! He will do just fine and he LOVES it!! It's just a touch cold outside -15 but it feels like -35 with the windchill. Anyhow I'm sitting in my brand new Jammie's (I finally got to go to reitmans and buy myself some new things with the gift card my good friends got me a little while ago, and one of the things is my new Jammie's along with a new outfit!!) Thanks again guys!!! Any how the plan is to blog, throw in a load of laundry and get some sleep!!!
It's almost new years and on my walk home I was thinking about new years resolutions, I really don't know what to resolve to do this year. Last year was tough and I know that my faith has lacked sometimes alot!!! But things are on the up and up, hopefully they stay that way. (see there I go again not trusting) but really this year has been far from easy in fact if it were not for some really good friends and my parents we would not have made it!!! My parents have shown up here every week with more food and all I had to do was say the word. In fact sometimes I didn't even say the word they asked the kids and then brought over food!! I am so lucky that they care so much.
In fact things were VERY hard and if it were not for my loving husband I would not be sitting here writ ting these words and Christmas would have been very hard for my whole family this year. For that I am so sorry!!! I promise I will always take my meds!!!
Great now I've made myself cry, but it was hard and I hate feeling that way!! My Mom and I had a conversation about that and she asked what it is that I can't forgive myself for, wow that's a loaded question, but really it's simple, I'm sorry to Ashton for the situation she is in I realize that it is my fault and I truly am sorry but the biggy is my Mackenzie I am so sorry, I should have known and I should have helped him. Plain and simply how does one forgive ones self for not protecting a child and have ti live with the guilt each and every day??? (for more on his story please read this post http://mommato4babiesand3angels.blogspot.com/search/label/Mackenzie%20Wade"> and this one http://mommato4babiesand3angels.blogspot.com/search/label/Mcakenzie%20Wade in my head I know that it really wasn't my fault but try telling my heart that I will live with this guilt forever I can't make it right!!! I'm just so sorry and I love you Mackenzie Wade and if I could go back I'd do everything I could to protect you and while on the subject of my precious angel baby I never got out to the cemetery to bring him a Christmas tree this year either so I'll have to go out soon and bring him something!!! It's just not right that a mommy doesn't get something for her baby, even angel babies!!! I always feel as though I've forgotten him, don't get me wrong not a single day passes that I don't think of him, I think of him in one way or another EVERY day and I always will!!!
On that note maybe I should reslove to try and forgive myself for not protecting my baby and having this horrible tragic ending to his short life ( I just don't know if I can or even where to start, at least I'm not made at God anymore, but that took six years to work out, and Mackenzie's 12Th birthday would be this year) But I'm not making any promises because I just don't know if I can!!!
I'm gonna leave this post at that and hopefully be back soon to post about Christmas!!!



My beautiful angel baby

feeling a little better

Today I feel somewhat "normal" again, I think that yesterday I was REALLY lacking sleep, and I was disappointed because I thought I'd be sleeping during the day and it didn't work out that way, so I was really tired. Thankfully my little guy fell asleep and had a snooze on the sofa so I could have a snooze to, and my oldest daughter took over with the other kids until the hubby came home. As much as I complain about having a teenager she really is a good kid and helps out ALOT!!!

Anyway when I feel like pooh the feelings I try to bury and hide come up and I can't help it, it just happens and I wish I didn't feel like that!!!

My oldest daughter was just in the room and she said you seem weird you seem not tired. She forgot that her Dad was home during the day so I was able to sleep until he got ready to work!!!

feeling like pooh

I hate when people say they will help then back out when I need them, I hate not being able to feed my kids they way they want, I hate not feeling loved, I hate not making my parents proud, I hate crying all the time, I hate having to ask for help. I just don't know how much more I can take, I just don't know!!

1 week down many more to go!!

Week one is over I'm officially on my weekend, Friday 7 am to Sunday 11 pm!! I made it even though lots of folks didn't think I would so HA to you!!! It actually wasn't that bad now I know you say McDonald's overnights it can't possibly be that busy, it's not.......with the expectation of the night the bar let out and all the drunk folks were hungry for what else McDonald's!!! Let me tell you Mickey D's believes in running a clean restaurant. There is not one thing that does not get cleaned in a week and most of them nightly, I should know I do it!!! Anyhow there is alot to keep us busy at night and I learned to take the drive through orders!!! Yeah me!! Anyhow it's going well do I love working all night??? Not really. Has sleep been an issue?? some. But it will work it's self out and at least I'm working full time!!! Again yeah me!! However working all through the night has a large problem and that is that I NEVER KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS!!! IN fact Thursday morning, I have a mom's bible study with babysitting provided so us Moms do our bible study and the boy's have a play date. Yup boys we all have boys so that's 7 little boys. However soon the girls will also play but for now the only girls are still babies and they prettiest little girls around one has so much hair I'm sure we could french braid it, the other has beautiful blue eyes, I'm telling you, you could just eat them up. In fact the Miss Molly (you can see her here on her Mom's blog (http://miriamcherie.blogspot.com/)has my hubby wrapped around her little tiny baby finger, he steals her EVERY Sunday and cuddles her all through church. It's a good thing that we cannot have any more children! ;-) I did not go, just couldn't make the effort!! Then this am as I log into my face book account I remember one of the girls does a Christmas get together every year and it was ....... that's right folks last night, I totally forgot and slept right through it. Part of the problem is that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT DAY IT IS!!! My shift starts one day and ends the next. I Wonder how I can get to know what day it actually is?? I guess we'll figure it out!!!

I Made it

I made it, My first over night shift done, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be!!! Is my job glamourus??? No I work at McDonalds a person has to do what a person has to do in order for the kids to eat and for them to get christmas I have to do this!! All in all it's not a bad place to live for the most part I cleaned EVERYTHING in the store!!! At least the hubby and I are both gainfully employed once again, me at McDonalds and him at CAA!!!


*sorry for the blurry pic, my camara has a mind of it's own and sometimes it doesn't like taking pic!!*

blessings

Last night as I lay awake telling myself I have to go to sleep because I had to work a full 8 hour shift today, I got to thinking and this child's song popped into my head: The Wise Man and The Foolish Man
The wise man built his house upon the rock.
The wise man built his house upon the rock.
The wise man built his house upon the rock,
And the rains came tumbling down.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
But the house on the rock stood firm.

The foolish man built his house upon the sand.
The foolish man built his house upon the sand.
The foolish man built his house upon the sand.
And the rains came tumbling down.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
The rains came down, and the floods rose up.
And the house on the sound fell down. CRASH!

So build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ.
Build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ.
Build your life on the Lord Jesus Christ,
And the blessings will come down.
The blessings will come down as the prayers go up.
The blessings will come down as the prayers go up.
The blessings will come down as the prayers go up.
So build your life on the Rock.
We have had MANY troubles these past few months, it has been a hard road, The one thing that we have known the whole time is that our friends and family love us and that even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it God is there. Prayer does help, even though we sometimes wonder why us again!! I struggle with not getting angry at God. When Mackenzie died I was VERY angry for a VERY long time (6 years in fact) I learned alot from that even though I spent 6 years being mad it didn't change the fact that he isn't here and I can't bring him back. So through this whole thing we have spent ALOT of time praying. In fact my mother has told me that if you are on your knees you can't stumble so maybe God is keeping you on your knees so that you won't stumble!!! Good point, I have spent ALOT of time on my knees.
Things are starting to turn around, I have a job, it may not be the greatest, but it's fun. My hubby has got a job pending a clean criminal record check (which we know will come backs clean) Hurray he'll be doing something he loves!!! We have a home we feel safe in and have a car that is totally paid for!!!
Yup the sun is shinning through those horrible rain clouds!!

I want to be the wise man and I strive to be that I know I'll never be perfect and nor do I expect to be, I love God and I just strive to be like him!!!

the grind starts again

I have started the new job, I'm trying to be positive, yesterday I actually got to make fries!!! I swept the floors and cleaned the bathrooms, I just gotta hang in there, I really can do this, this is not my dream job.
I was asked recently what is my dream job??
What do you want to do??
Although I didn't really know the answer then, now that I have thought about it, it would be something with fabric, something where I can create things, where I look forward to the next time I go to work. With that said I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that I have not finished Molly and Lily's quilts both are ready to be quilted in fact Miss Molly's was half quilted when I realized that I had the backing on wrong, it was a stupid mistake made out of haste I really need to take more time, but time is not on my side. Now that I will be working again it really will not be on my side and truthfully there were a few weeks that I didn't feel like doing anything even when fabric was involved!! I will get Miss. Molly's quilt done this week. I will also be doing some things for the children for Christmas like the Christmas jammy's I bought brown snowflake fabric at the end of last winter for their jammy's and now I must get started!! I will also be doing some sewing for their rooms as part of their Christmas gifts, we do not know if the hubby will get paid before Christmas so it is time to get creative, I will post on my other blog about those projects so feel free to check them out at www.fabricischeaperthentherapy.blogspot.com (Maybe if Terri reads this she can message me and let me know how to add links to my other post????)
I still am not so sure that I want to post pics of the kidlets on my blog, I feel like it's just to out there and I wouldn't want the kids to get hurt because of my blogging, so I took some cute pics of the kids, you see Friday was a day off for them but we had invited my parents for supper and the kids wanted to help. We were making mashed potatoes, shake n bake pork chops and honey dill baby carrots (which baby bear ate the most of) however we cannot find our vegetable peeler since the move so over to the dollar store for 4 potato peelers one for each kid, although big sister bear was at school. The kids were so proud and they did all the work, they peeled a whole pot of potatoes, big brother bear then chopped them for he (he's almost 10) then came the shaking part of the shake and bake, I'm still shocked that those pork chops stayed in those bags. We had the best shaked potatoes in the world!!! Over all it went really well with NO fighting that's right folks they DID NOT FIGHT!!!! It all tasted really good, of course I did the cooking but it went well and I hope that in the process they learned something although we won't mention that to loudly!!!

singing in the rain!!

I have been avoiding posting on my blog because I don't want this to be a entirely sad blog so since our lives have been in total turmoil I just haven't posted!!! Well I think its about time, yes things have been bad a quick review of the things in our lives that have been affected, we have moved away from the crazy landlady and spent a whole month "hiding" from her. We then found a home in Winnipeg which is really not what we wanted as we had to move the children from their school again!! God had different plans!!! the day before our official move to the city the transmission on the van went at the walmart in Selkirk, that night the hubby was picking me up at work and the truck caught fire, thankfully the damage was minimal (it was faulty starter) so there we are about to finish the move with no vechile. Thankfully we had people borrow us wheels until our truck was fixed, once the truck was fixed it was decided that we would sell the truck, well that week I was fired from my job, I was accused of stealing and according to that corporate head office I all but took the bathroom toilets (of course for those of you that actually know me you know that this is NOT TRUE!!!!) Anyhow I lost my job, so there I am in Selkirk no vechile, no cash and no way to get someone to come and get me. Long story short I was able to make a collect call and after a 7 km walk and about 2.5 hours I was found and taken home. A week and a half later my husband was also laid off, in his case it was a total case of favoritism (all the shop Foreman's friends stayed even the ones who are totall slackers and need to run hoe to make sure their girlfriends aren't cheating on them, and the ones that come in lat ALL the time) Anyhow, there were are just moved and both UN employed!!!

So enough about that we were able to sell our truck which brought in enough money to pay the rent for a few days, a dear friend payed our hydro bill for us and my Bible study group brought us a pile of food, and ALOT of LOVE!!! This time in my life has really taught me ALOT first my friends are the greatest, second we belong to a wonderful church and third GOD does ALWAYS supply. My Mom said something very important and it really has made me think If I'm on my knees then I can't stumble, so God has me on my knees to keep me from stumbling!!!

God is good!!

Even though we have no idea why all these "bad" things are happening God is there he is holding us up as we walk through this, I pray that whatever I'm holding on to that God wants me to give up he reveals it to me, and that I am open to him and the good things he has in store for us.

So we are singing in the rain, and hopefully singing so loud that the world hears us!!! For God truly is a Good God!! And I am blessed to be called his daughter!!

sadness

Yesterday I posted about how I feel, today I feel like I should aplogize for feeling that way, and yet it turely is how I feel. So I will not say sorry, instead I will say that although I do sturrgle to feel like I fet in I do have ALOT to be thankful for. Life has not been easy by any means in my world and most folks know this even though I'd rather hide then have to tell people. It gets to the point where I feel like people will say you have to be making this up, how many horriable things can happen to one family seroiusly, anyho there I go again off on the bad things when we really do have things to be thankful for, infact we are all safe, we are all for the most part healthy (if you don't factor in the kids diease and the stones big brother bear carries around hidden deep within his body) we are healthy right now. Infact we are together, so no matter what happens we are here. When you think about it we really have survived the worst, we have burried a child it really doesn't get any worse then that, so we make trips to the E.R. quite regularly at least they are here for those trips. So the kids drive me mad sometimes, at least I know what their voice sounds like, So the kids get up at the crack of dawn, at least I know what thier eyes look like. You see our baby was stllborn, we never saw his eyes, we never heard his voice. We mearly got a few hours with him, we bathed him, we dressed him and we told him we loved him, then we burried him. It really doesn't get worse, we have already faced the worst...........So bring on the rest we are ready!!!

sadness....

I don't know why, but i feel like I'm fighting this constant sadness, I wish I could be happy, I feel like it's always a battle. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, You see I was always the girl in school that didn't speak English, didn't read well, just plain old didn't fit. With friends as I got older I didn't fit because I had a baby as a teen (this is also why I don't fit in the family I messed up) I Truely do feel like I'm forever trying to fit in everywhere. With friends now they all have small children mine are all grown. (even though I know they love me) I feel like I just don't fit. Same with my family I just feel like an outsider, I made mistakes that have put my in the spot I'm in, we went from being homeless, to being careless to me currently being jobless, how will we make ends meet?? I don't know but I need a job. We have invited people over only to have them not come and then find out they went elsewhere. Why am I o unimportant, How do I fix this?? Will I ever fit in?? I sure want to!!

finally wheels

We have been without our own wheels since the 29th of october, let me tell you is has been hard, although we have had some borrowed to us you still have the what if theres an accident. What if it breaks down, which in one case it did but it was a problem they knew about (the fuel pump) and were waiting for it to finally quit. Then my Ex (big sister bears Dad) borrowed us his little car. That has been good cause it's cheap on fuel and it has conviced Daddy bear to sell his truck that's right folks we currently have a Ford F 250 super duty extedned cab diesel with 405 kms on it for sale. He wants to buy a small car and this was all his idea!!! Incase your wondering the problem with the truck wasn't a seroius as we first thought it was the starter (it was faulty) so everything has been repaired in fact it has a new starter, a new alternator, newer tires,and the water pump has been changed in the last little while!!! Hurray for smaller wheels!!!!

another day another box to unpack!!!

So today is Saturday and we (or me) have unpacked a few more boxes and our bedroom is finally looking like our bedroom and lil sister bears room is finally looking like a little girls room!! now to try and get the rest of this place organized if only there were unpacking fairies. However my mother in law has been very helpful, and the fact that both of our vechiles broke down on the same day leaving us with now wheels or borrowed wheels means that we spend ALOT of time hanging around at home. In fact the tranie went in the van last Thursday and it is still sitting in The parking lot at the walmart in Selkirk, cause we are just not sure how we will fix it or how we will by a new van??? And since the truck caught fire the same Thursday night, it still sitting at the diesel shop in Selkirk as we wait to see what auto pac will fix, they did not cover the "cause" of the fire but that was easy since it was the starter and that was still under warranty as it had just been changed a week and a half ago!!!
Now to see if I can get hubby bear up off of the sofa so we can put the mirror on the dresser.....wish me luck!

meet the new member to our family

our last few months

I have put it off long enough now here's the blog about what happened our last few month, however it will be short form!!! Anyhow we made the decision to move from our home in Libau(a 2 bedroom trailer that we owned but were renting the lot, we were having some problems with the landlord upping the rent when ever he felt like it i.e: we were paying 250.00 then we paid $300.00 and then it was upped to $350. all in the course of 4 months. The last straw was a $50.00 late few for paying the rent on the first of the month.) anyhow we made the move and the old landlord was not happy he said we had to give 60 days notice and he expected us to pay for the month of September, instead we found someone to buy the trailer for $500.00 and she was to pay Septembers lot rental, all was well or so we thought.
We made the move and within two days of being there received a letter from our new landlord "warning" us not to allow the previous tenant to pick up their mail, she would pick it up and bring it to them (or rather their mother's house as they didn't want her to know where they were!!!) not only did we get this letter of warning so did the neighbor across the street.In fact that letter says private and confidential on the top, not to be shared with a third party!!! then showing up ALL the time started, the first unexpected visit was on Sept. 8 at 8:30 pm, to talk to Jeff about not putting up a fence. Then September 9 she showed up at which time I allowed her into the house she had brought us another copy of the rental agreement at 10:00am, then again at 11:00am to bring us a "house warming" gift of a fish??? September the 25 she called about the water bill, saying we hadn't changed the bill into our name yet, the hubby called the water company right after her call (she also called him at work) then she showed up that evening to bring more housewarmimg gifts for the kids (a huge bag of junk from value village) Then things started to go down hill fast!!! On Sept.23 at 1:00pm she left a note in the mailbox about coming to paint the trim on the shed and the bathroom window. We told her that that was fine but I would not be home the next day and did not want her to be in the house with out us present, when she arrived on the 24 at 1:00pm I was in fact home because little sister bear was "sick" an had to be picked up at school( in fact she wasn't sick but she had a substitute teacher and had a belly ache she doesn't like cahange) on September the 24 as I was leaving for work sh left a letter thanking us for allowing her to come and paint the shed and trim. she then goes on to say that they will come back and dig up the garden after the ripe tomato's are picked, she then goes on to say that we cannot build the wall in the basement for big sister bears room, and maybe we should find a bigger house or we can move our bays and big sister bear can have their room, then she says that she will give us 24 hours notice before she comes in to do a cleanliness and clutter inspection. The place cannot attar ct mice and rodents nor can it be a fire or health hazard (no kidding you think I have small kids) When she does the inspection she will also inspect "her" fridge and stove??? Then she jumps to the trees outside how they give off branches and leaves and maybe the children could pick these up!! I called her that night from work telling her that I would allow an inspection but would not allow her into the children's bedrooms as they are there rooms and I don't think she needs to go in there!!! our original agreement said that inspections would take place once every six months, now suddenly she wanted in all the time and we had only been there for 24 days at this point. at one point in this rambling letter she says "having three 3 kids in the basement, closed off, and perhaps with clutter is not healthy. ( yeah cause I put my kids in the basement and then pack boxes and things around them!!) at the end of the letter she says if you have nothing to hide then allow an inspection. the next day child and family services were at my door, someone called them and told them that my house was filthy, the children weren't being feed and they were dirty. I couldn't believe that someone called on me ( I don't claim to be the greatest mother in the world but I would do ANYTHING for my kids as would most of the moms I know) Anyhow they walked though the house and talked to my boys who were both home in fact one was eating breakfast when they came in. After that they left and closed the file!!! The next data Sept.26 guess who was at the door around noon that's right the landlady, I couldn't believe she had the gall to show up at my door after calling CF'S, So I go to the door and as I open the door the children run from the house crying, she is standing on the step smiling at me,
LL:she says that my hubby called her and told her we would be looking for a new place to live,
Me:to which I say well yeah you called CFS on me. She looks shocked for a minute then smiles
LL: well yeah I had to
Me: you had to why did you have to
LL: well your living in filth
Me: how do you know that you have never been in my home, come on in and do your inspection right now.
LL: no I'm not gonna do that of course it's clean you cleaned after they were here. you know you have a mental problem.
Me: Debra I don't have the problem your the one with the mental problem.
she looks at her mother who was standing on the deck and says
LL: did you hear what that fat lazy a** just said to me, then turns to me and says you need to get the f*** out of my house and this town right now, no one wants you here. then she storms off, around the front of the house as I close the door I think to myself the kids went out front I have to go to them, I get around the side of the house as she reaches the street, I see that the whole neighborhood is out on the sidewalk and has heard the exchange. the neighbors tell her to get into her car and get off the street or they will call the police. My kids had gone over to the neighbors house to get away from the landlady. That same day I receive 4 letters of warning,that I must not pu up bunk beds, that my rent must be paid on the first, that I must clean up the ripened tomato's in the garden or my rental agreement will be terminated. The best one is the letter of warning that 'You must note address me in a hostile manner, with your sad stories, and in a hostile manner with claims of harassment and slander. You must not try to provoke me in a loud voice as you have done in the past. You must not make an unfavorable report to nearby neighbors in a quest for their sympathies about me or my business as you have done in the past. you have until September 2009, to correct these behaviours." and on it goes, in the end CFS was called on us, the police were called on us twice and the final straw came when she peered into the bedroom windows at the children after they had been put to sleep. on Sept. 30 we made the decision to vacate the home (she peered into windows on Sept.29) we left it that night. After we moved we found out she had been around town claiming we had a grow op in our home, she also made a pile of crazy accusations about us to people she doesn't know that we know. She has shown up at the hubby's place of employment twice and has called his boss to ask questions about him, she has also called my place of employment claiming to be doing some private investigating??? Hopefully this crazy person is out of our lives forever, I feel sorry for the new tenants they have no idea what they are in for!! She apparently does this to all her tenants, in another home, I know that she went in and cleaned "her" fridge and stove while the tenants were gone away, she also went thought their drawers while she was in there. Not only that but she phoned hydro and pretended to be me in order to get my account info. This women is dangerous and I'm glad I'm no longer in her home.!!! Now that that's off my chest I will finish this post!!! :-)

I'm baaacccckkk!!!

I only have a few minutes for this post so a longer post will follow but needless to say I'm back after a very exicting/ scary few months!!!!

this house

This house is filled with evil and hatred, today we recieved our notice to vacate. we will!!! our notice to vacate is because we refuse to put the utilites as direct withdrwal, as per her house rules!!!! Here's the reason we dont want to do it she finds out EVERYTHING, she called hydro and recieved all of our account info!!! she called both my place of employment and my hubby's place of employment trying to get info about us.
I feel like we are suffacating in this house, we are all yelling at each other, there is mega tension here!! The sooner we are out the better!!!

self worth

I am proablly the worst role model for self worth ever!!
Proablly because of one of my life expericences and partly because most times I don't feel I'm worth the effort, I seem to always have. Problem or some conflict going on and rather then always be a bother I try to hide. Infact last summer when we found out about the kids I went into hiding, I just don't know how to deal with these things.
So this week, my new landlady called child protective services, now we are a family of 7, both parents noe work pretty much full time daddy bear works during the day and I work evenings so one of us is always with the children. On top of that my place of employment is doing a fundraiser for the children's hospital where my children go every 6 months( and in between) so I am VERY involved with this. So our house is Never the cleanest house on the block, but we do our best!! Anyhow CFS came to check out our home, which totally blew me out of the water, I DO NOT think I'm the worlds best MOM, but I do know that I would do ANYTHING for these cildren!!! And I mean ANYTHING!!! So anyhow the complaint was that our home was flithy, the children were flithy and the children were no being fed! When they came in baby bear was sitting on the sofa eating breakfast and watching tree house. Anyhow after a quick walk through and a check for food, a friendly chat at the back door they were on their way. I have nothing to hide, I LOVE MY BABIES!!!
This is when I learned something VERY important, my friends do care, I was quite shook up by the whole experince so I post a facebook status saying they had been there and left the house, when I returned a half hour later one of my close friends was sitting in my driveway waiting for me!! She stayed all day, she did my dishes (even though she HATES dishes), she fed the boys and most of all she hugged me when I cried!!! Thankyou so much that is what I needed.
Later that night another girlfriend stopped by with, muffins, chocolate chip cookies and chocolate almonds.everything a girl needs to "feel" better, not only did my girlfriends come, my sister in law came out with my nephew, my sister came after work and my parents!! I really needed all of you so thankyou very much, I have always tried to just deal with it because I don't want to bother people. It was good to know that they really do care. So maybe I am worth the trouble.......maybe.

being sick

I have not been feeling well for 2 weeks now, in fact on Saturday night I had such a hard time breathing I actually woke the hubby!! That's a feat in it's self!! he wanted me to go to the emergency room, which I of course would not do!! we had a family gathering on Sunday and i could only look at the new baby nephew from a distance!! a few days ago I was feeling better, but today not so much!!! I wish this would go away!!

I also received a phone call from big sister bears school< seems they may make her move change schools, I certainly hope not, cause that is so not fair, i guess we will wait and see!!!

I'm just really feeling tired today thank goodness there are leftovers, so thats what dinner will be!!

blogging

I always seem to blog at night after everyone has gone to bed!! It is late now but the house is quiet, my baby bears are sleeping.
School has started and this year baby bear did not want to go, maybe it was the school bus that he wanted to ride not so much the whole school thing! Anyway we have transfered lil sister bear and big brother bear, big sister bear gets driven every day because she's going to grade 9 and I didn't want her to have to change this year and again next year!!
It was hard to send lil sister bear and big brother bear to new schools, all I have ever wanted was happy healthy children, changing schools is a hard thing to do big brother bear is in grade 4 so it's a big change, I thought lil sister bear would have a bigger proablem with the change but she just went with it!! Big brother bear is the one I'm worried about, I hope he figures out his place in the classroom, without going back to the disruptive behavior we were having at the old school. All in all I have really good kids, they are not angels by any means but they are good!! I'm a very lucky Mommy!!
With that said I hope we can look back at this is a year and see the good changes that have come about living in town!!
It's nice to be able to walk palces, it was nice to walk to school today and pick up my babies from school!
Maybe I can bike/walk off some of my extra weight!!!
A girl can dream right??? ;-)

people

people The move is almost done, there is just a few last minute clean up to do. There is a trailer with junk on it,there is an old washing machine, a BBQ and a fridge and some eves other then that it is pretty much done. We talked to the "new" tenants (who have not finished paying for the trailer yet) telling them we would be by proablly friday to finish the clean up. The on monday we get a call from the old landlord, yelling about the clean up, calmly we explain we have already talked to the new "tenant" and we will get it done. This seems okay with the landlord yesterday, today he calls daddy bear at work no less, and says I called the renters board and here's what they said.Well daddy bear calls me and tells me what happened, I tell him you call the renters board and find out all sorts of stuff, you see we were simply doing whatever he wanted because we didn't want firction, so we just did it. Turns out or rent increases against the law, increases can only be 2 and a half percent, we paid 100 and 50 dollar increases randomly, when ever the mood strikesn we get an increase. The yard will be cleaned up this weekend and then I NEVER want anything to do with that trailer or that lot EVER again!!!One more note in ten years we have paid him 15,000 dollars in rent (we paid 15,000 for the trailer) durning this time my children didnot do swimming lessons, did not go to bible camp, did not do do all the extras that kids should do, because we couldn't afford it. His kids did everything, fair?? Maybe not but don't be pulling dumb stuff now. I think he's just mad that we acutally left and he now has to start tricking someone else all over. People only allow you to see what they want you to see, this man deffiantly has two sides!!Anyhow on a better note, I enrolled the kids in school today, they start tomorrow, we met the principal, we had a tour of the school. I think they will do well, big brother bear was a little upset about making friends, we had a tlk about how this is a new start for him, all the things he did at the old school and the trouble ne got into, it didn't happen here. So the ball is back in his court and its up to him as to how they will see him and how he behaves.Lil sister bear seems to be putting on a berave face today let's see what happens at bed time?? That is when she usally let's out how she really feels!!! Here's to fresh starts!!

moving???

The move is almost done, we have almost moved everything,there are just a few last minute things to get, our kitchen table (because when we were there yesterday we didn't have the tools we needed, the compost box, the satelite dish, the potted tomato plants, lil sister bears flower pot, my beta who I wanted to bring yesterday and forgot!! Other then that we are pretty much done!!! Now I hope the landlady won't be to much trouble.......

changes

So A lot of things have changed in the last little while:
We are moving.....
Which is a huge change.....
We are leaving our home of 10 years which we practically had to give away to get ride of......
Now my DH is talking about a job change......
This is scary...


I just want my own house, stable income, and healthy children.......
Is this really to much to ask?The middle two bears have kidneystones/ large calicum deposits in the kidneys, where do we go from here?
Now we wait, we hope, we pray.........
Will it ever end????

I just want to be happy!

memories

I have been thinking for a few days about this post, I'd like to do a post about the memories we have made in this place that was our home for almost 10 years. However I donot want to post negative memories just positive ones.
- bringing home big brother bear, born jan.13 2000 after a week in N.I.C.U.
- big sister bears first day of school, me crying all the way up tyhe driveway after the bus left :-)
-trying to teach big sister bear to ride a two wheeler!
- countless birthday parties!
- chasing the kids in the yard.
- treasure hunts set up all through the yard for the children to find.
- watching the kids jump on the trapoline and laughing.
- building big sister bears bedroom and keeping it a surprise till her birthday.
-bringing home lil sister bear and baby bear.
- big brother bear and lil sister bears first day of school (I didn't cry for big brother bear but I did for lil sister bear, she was really scared)
- learning to sew/quilt.
-big brother bear demanding we take off the training wheels off of his bike so he could ride a twowheeler(he was 5) it took two tries with Daddies help and away he went.
- lil sister bear learning to ride a two wheeler at 4 she just got on and went.
Okay so there are so many, I think I'm gonna end here for now have a talk with the family and see what else we can come up with....stayed tuned more to come!!!

sob stories

Apparently my life is all about sob stories and beinging able to one up people with my sob stories. Cause losing my son is just a sob story, no folks that actually happened my son was born not breathing I got to hold him for a few hours and then he was gone forever. I miss him!
My children having PH1 a sob story, I guess me sitting in the ultrsound department at childrens all afternoon on thursday a figment of my imagaintion, I guess seeing stones in my sons kidney. Not real. The appoinment where the doc sat us done and told us what was wrong I guess that didn't happen!!! LISTEN TO ME I WISH I DIDNT HAVE THESE STORIES.
I wish I could hug my angel baby and tell him how much I love him and miss him,

what I wouldn't give to sit up all night with him,

I wish I didn't have this story.

I wish PH1 didn't become a part of my life,

I wish I didn't have to take my children to childrens hospital every 6 months to check kidney function.

I wish I didn't have to always worry about the next bd thing to happen to my babies.

I wish I could have the diease instead of them.

I wish I didn't have to have an emergency reponse plan for the children at school.

I wish I didn't have to worry about them getting pain medication in the ambulance on the way to the hospital if the kidney stone attack happen when I'm not around.

I wish my biggest problem was a five month old who didn't sleep.

I wish these were sob stories intended to gave sympathy rather then real life.

if I could change things.....

If I could change things.....
I would do away with PH1
I would not have to worry about renal failure and kidney stones in my baby bears.
I would be able to have my whole family together all I once.
I would be able to tell you what Angel bears eyes looked like.
I would have healthy children
I would be happy!

if I could change things.....

If I could change things.....
I would do away with PH1
I would not have to worry about renal failure and kidney stones in my baby bears.
I would be able to have my whole family together all I once.
I would be able to tell you what Angel bears eyes looked like.
I would have healthy children
I would be happy!

moving

Then count down is on, the living room is a HUGE mess!! But alas I have a lot of stuff packed into boxes and orginzed!! The amount of stuff still needing to be packed is a little overwhelming but at some point it will get done!!

problems??

So I'm packing away!!! I mean really busy packing, then the phone rings it's the new landlord, she'd like to talk to the DH says she has some concern. What does this mean?? DH is not home so I'll have to wait to find out what's up!! We had better be getting this place otherwise we could be out on the street!!

we're baaaaccccckkkk

We are back!!!
We are home from holidays, we had a great time it was nice to see daddy bears brother and hi girlfriend. But alas it back to real life, daddy bear went to work this am and I return to work tonight. The house is still a mess (the house fairies again over looked our house). So back to work and packing. I am actually really exicted about the move, there are some silly little things I can't wait for like weekly garbage pick up!! Sounds funny I know but for the last 10 years I have had to beg and plead so that daddy bear takes the trash to the dump!!
I wish I could just leave eveything here and start all over okay so I wouldn't leave everything, but the idea of going thorugh all the things we have collected over the last ten years really scares me!!!

calgary

I'm in calgary!! We drove straight through the night and finally arrived.I think all will sleep well tonight!!!

stress

Tonight after work we are leaving!!!! Going to Calgary till tuesday, I'm going to leave all my to leave all my troubles behind and head out and have fun!!!
The plan is to hopefully meet my brother, sister in law and precious nephew for "lunch" somewhere in calgary, as they are also out there for holidays but they are heading back towards home as we head out!!!
The move is happening,despite the stumbling blocks we will be moving!!! What we will do with our trailer I still don't know but whatever happens it will not be here,I'm not giving it back after paying almost $30,000 to him over the last ten years the last thing I owe him is the trailer!!! In all fairness there have been a few times that our rent was a few days late, and last summer our rent fell behind (durning the time the kids were being tested and whatnot we were going all the way to childrens sometimes 3 times a week, and money was really tight) but as soon as we could we got it all caught up and haven't been late for a long time, even though the rent keeps going up!!! So the last "late" notice for paying on the first was the last straw!!! We would really like to see something out of the trailer after all we paid almost 30,000 dollars and walking away with nothing sucks big time. I'd just like to atleast get enough to buy a new sofa????
Maybe I'll win the lottery!!!

moving!!!!

So the decsion has been made we are in fact moving, we have found a place in town that we will be moving to this however could just be a temporary,only time will tell!!
There however is a problem with the place we are in now. We have lived in this place since two weeks before big borther bear was born. We found this place in the journal and it was a rent to own which seemed like a good idea at the time because it seemed we could then pay for the trailer in hopes that we would then be able to seel it and hopefully that money would then give us money for a down payment!!! I wish I had known everything about the landlord that I know know!!!!
As it is every year our rent has increased infact our rent was payed on the first and we were told we had to pay a 50 late fee! In almsost 10 years he has been asked 1 time to come over and help us thaw the water pipes!!! Other then that we did everything for ourselves, we even bought a riding mower to cut the grass, we have payed people to come open the driveway for us. The first 2 years we had to walk with our children through the mud to the house because we didn't have a driveway. We finally bugged him enough and got a load of gravel but we had to straigthen it, at our cost,no cost to the landowner, not only that but all the flower beds, the sidewalk, all of this was put in at our cost!!! Now the landowner has deicded that the trailer is to be moved our we have to contniue paying the rent, also that we have to give him 60 days notice we have given him 30 days. We as of right now do not have a contract because he didn't want to sign one?? So what do we do with this trailer??? Turns out we won't get the money for the down payment as we first thought infact it may cost us even more then we first thought!!b

only 1 child today!!

So this weekend is big sister bears weekend at he Dad's.The other 2 bears stayed with grandma and grandpa bear. That leaves me with only baby bear, so last night we brought our bankets and pillows to the living room and had a "sleepover" on the floor, this morning we got up and headed into winiipeg. We went to the forks had mini donuts,icecream and walked around in the forks. Baby bears checked out kite and kaboodle. All in all we had a great time just the three of us!!! It hasn't happen often that a child gets one on one time with both parents at once. Wondering if I'll be able to arrange that for the other kids????

moving??

Okay so we are faced with a question....we have been offered a 3 bedroom house (with permission to add a 4 bedroom) house in town. This would mean I would be 5 minutes from work and my DH would be about 10-15 from his job. Currently we are paying at least 500 a month for gas as we are about 30 minutes away from both our jobs, and anything else we might need/want. We have also been having some problems with our current "landlord" (ie: coming home to random notes wanting to increase our rent, and a note for a 50 dollar late fee for paying the rent on the first he says rent in due before the 1 ?????) Okay so a move would mean paying almost twice the current rent but our fuel price would be de creased by 90 percent, it would also mean that the children would need to change schools. But we would all be closer to our friends big sister bear would be able to get a part time job or babysit more. There are so many things to think and pray about. I hope we make the right decisions!!!

it's a crying kinda night!!

I'm gonna start by venting for a second then I'll explain the crying thing.
This is to the older man who came into my store tonight, if you'd rather shop at 7 11 then by all means head right on over there (it's down the street aways) we (and by that I mean the employees) are only human so some one forgot to put out a tag, there is only so much we can do and yes sometimes tags get forgotten. This does not give you the right to come into the store and tear a strip off of me because there is 1 tag missing. It is NOT my fault although now that you have rudely pointed it out I will fix it!! Also it is not our job to make up the prices so how is it fair that you blast me because it's only 99 cents in other stores. I can't control that if it's so much cheaper somewhere else then why are you here bugging me?? While we are venting.....yes we do have sales and yes we get x amount of stock for said sale, I will however remind you that it is out of the employees hands as to how fast the said stock sells if it's a good deal it will go fast if you want some come early if you wait until 3 days into the sale??? To bad we can't control how fast things will sell but please no that it is not the cashiers fault so please don't yell at us!! Now back to the man that tore a strip off of me I hope your happy you totally ruined my night over a stupid can of fruit, now I feel like crying!!!

As if I don't have enough stuff in my life I have to deal with that!! Right around this time is when we found out about lil sister bears PH1 (www.ohf.org to find out more or click the link on the left)and though my kids look healthy I assure you they have a MAJOR problem, you do not see them after they take their meds, big brother bear takes his without much problem, but lil sister bear who is only 7 and takes more then big brother bear, well she has a hard time. This week she looked at her dose and said Mom just looking at them gives me a tummy ache. I wish I could take them for her but I can't I also can't make her better. It is so hard to watch my little girl lie on the sofa for 4 hours after a dose of meds.(Lil sister bear takes 300mg.of vitiamin B6,big brother bear takes 250mg.this is what it says on lil sister bears bottle of B6: adults take 1 tablet daily with a meal. Keep away from children and I give her 3 everyday and big brother bears bottle says adults: take 1 tablet daily or as directed by your health care practitoner,and no these meds are not covered by insurance or manitoba health)We try to give it at supper so that by the time she feels bad she's sleeping but there are times when it doesn't work out that way. I want to make my babies better but the only way to do that is to get them new livers and its not like you can order those on e-bay, and then it would be a lifetime of anti-rejection drugs and praying they would be okay. Not to mention that they could possiablly not make it through the transplant. I would give my right arm to make them better!! You am I kidding I would give my life for them to be okay, I just want my babies to be okay is that to much to ask??

I have a little boy and two other angels ( I don't know if they are boys or girls) waiting for me already is it to much to ask for me to keep these ones here??? Please,please let me keep them or if you have to take them please take us all.

I need my heart to keep me alive and a piece of it is already gone,please let me keep the other pieces, I'll do anything to keep them, please,please!

it's cold outside

It is july and it is cold outside today. Today is a sweater and jeans kind of day. I guess the kids will be playing inside today,there is also a thunder storm warning which means I will have a 4 year old attached to my hip. He hates thunder storms and always ends up hanging on to me crying. At the moment the children are cuddling under their comforters in the living room. It's July and it's really cold. On the plus side maybe I can get baby nephew bears quilt, quilted!! I'm gonna try machine quilting it so wish me luck!!

2 boys , a red light and a police car

What happens when two boys fight in the back seat, and their Mom runs a red light trying to break up the fight?

That's right the said Mom getd pulled over by a cop car!! We were doing some last minute wedding things when we came to a red light I stopped and the boys were fighting, I was have turned to the boys and letting them have it when I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and went through the intersection. The light was still red and I was almost t-boned by a cop. The cop pulled me over thankfully I got a warning and not a ticket!! It would have been big 278.00 is the fine!! It was totally my fault and I'm super glad no one got hurt!!

On the upside the cop told the boys to sit down, be quiet and stop fighting, rides have been a lot quieter since!!

no more left

That's it my parents have no more single children left, as of yesterday we are all married!!
My sisters wedding went very well, although there were a few minor glitches, such as the favors for the desert reception are still in the front of my van, the ring moose (I'll explain that a little little further down) walked down the isle without his pillow and the cake had a small accident!!(Totally still useable, and we were able to turn it so you couldn't see the damage)

Other then that thingd went well.The night before the wedding both flower girls were in tears not wanting to have any part in thr wedding, infact lil sister bear had herself so worked up over it that she had an upset belly for a few days before. She cried all the way down the isle on the first run, the second time she still didn't look happy but wasn't crying.The day of she didn't cry at all she did a wonderful job, so did the other flower girl they were so cute.
The day of the rehersal I over heard baby bear telling big brother bear and lil sister bear that he did not want the be a ring bear he wanted to be a ring moose instead!! So from there on he was known as the ring moose by everyone!!
The wedding was a rainbow themed, the brides flowers were rainbow roses (if I ever figure out how to upload pics I'll post some!!) There were rainbows everywhere!! The flowergirl and the ring moose (who are only 5 months apart) were totally in love they went everywhere together!!

Most of all the love between the bride and groom was there and everone could see it.So now its all them as they learn all the things about each other that they don't yet know!!So congrats to the newly weds!!

butter tarts and sewing machines

How do these things go together? Well yesterday I made about 150 butter tarts, some of them where duds
(Which my husband thorughly enjoyed, although he had a belly ache afterwords) and the rest are for my little sisters wedding! Today I tried to use my sewing machine the key word there is tried, for some reason the bobbin compartment keeps coming out and I then have to take everything apart to fix it then it works for awhile then I have to fix it again. I think I will have to take it to the sewing machine doctor!!

In a past post I mentioned that a friend was waiting to see if she was ahvig another boy (she has two already) or a girl, well she had the baby and it's a girl!!!!!

Now the task is figuring out how to entertain the child all summer?? It has only really been a week since they were off and they are already deiving me up the wall.I think I said go outside more times today they I ever have before,that and please close the door!! Anyone have any ideas I'm open to them!!!

butter tarts and sewing machines

How do these things go together? Well yesterday I made about 150 butter tarts, some of them where duds
(Which my husband thorughly enjoyed, although he had a belly ache afterwords) and the rest are for my little sisters wedding! Today I tried to use my sewing machine the key word there is tried, for some reason the bobbin compartment keeps coming out and I then have to take everything apart to fix it then it works for awhile then I have to fix it again. I think I will have to take it to the sewing machine doctor!!

In a past post I mentioned that a friend was waiting to see if she was ahvig another boy (she has two already) or a girl, well she had the baby and it's a girl!!!!!

Now the task is figuring out how to entertain the child all summer?? It has only really been a week since they were off and they are already deiving me up the wall.I think I said go outside more times today they I ever have before,that and please close the door!! Anyone have any ideas I'm open to them!!!

weddings

My baby sister is gettingg married in 8 days!!! Today as I put the finishing touches on the guest book quilt, ring bearer pillow and the flower girl baskets I think again about my own marriage and am so thankful that I have a loving husband whom I love and know he loves me!!! Don't get me wrong we have our days but all in all I know and I hope he knows that when the hard times hit (and they seem to hit a lot around here) that we are in it for the long haul no matter what!!! I love you Daddy bear!!!

On asomewhat sad note june 30 has again come and gone. My angel bear celebrated his 11 th birthday in heaven I'll bet it was some party!!! One day I will be there to celbrate with him, until then I spend that day thinking about him, and having a good cry not a single day goes by without thinking about him but his birthday is by far the worst!!! The years have made the whole in my heart bareable, and yet that seems like the wrong word I don't think. It gets bareable I think you just learn to live with it!!!

This year on his day myself and baby bear went to the cemetary to bring him a hugs and kisses balloon and white tiger liles!! There is something so sad in watching your child run across a cemetary to bring his brother (who he will never know in this life time ) his birthday balloon, and yet I am so glad that all my other children know that they have angel brother and are not scared to talk about him. Infact they did not get to go see him on his birthday because I had to work so they were going with daddy bear when the brakes failed on the truck so they have been asking all week to go see him!! Maybe tonight!!

first mobile post

I still do not have internet at home, but I do now have access on my phone! However it took awhile to figure out how to log In to my blog. I think I finally figured it out!!

Lots has happened in the last few months. The biggest thing is that my. Nephew is here!! Nephew bear joined our family on May 13 and he is the most perfect, beautiful baby in the world!!

A few friends have also added additions to their families one is now a mom of 3 boys and the other is now a mom of a son and a daughter, one friend is still waiting!

On a sad note we think that little sister bear may have kidney stones again, she had quite a bit of pain a few weeks ago and had to be taken to childrens hospital emergency on a tuesday and again to see the doc and have an ultrasound on thursday we have not received the results of the ultasound yet and are hoping that it is not stones but just calicum depoists!!!

cutting back

As all of you know I have recently started working, hoping that this would help with some of our money issues. We were starting to do "better" or so I thought, some how I now need to come up with a pile of money in the next 3 weeks, I feel like life is so unfair, it seems all the bad things keep happening over at our house, if it's bad and it could happen chances are it has happened at our house!!! It makes me so sad because you would think that at some point we would catch a break??? (tears)


We have had to cut back, one of the things that had to go was our internet access, as a matter of fact we do not have a home line at this point either. Hopefully at some point we will be able to reconnect thiese things??? Maybe after summer???? Above all I wish I was able to afford to give my kids that things they want not just the things they need!!!

the way over do post

Hello all as you may all realize I no longer have email access at home for the time being this is why I have not posted for a while!!!

losing weight

Today is day 3 of no chocolate, no pop, this is my way of trying to lose some of this weight. I'm feeling a little weepy today and I'm not quite sure why!!!