new years

So now that Christmas is over, I've been thinking about what I would like to see happen in the new year, now some of the things I can control but most are out of my control!!! Here's my list anyway, I wonder how it'll all turn out!!! Sometimes I wish I knew in advance, but really I'm so glad that I don't!!!

1. I want my niece/nephew here safe in our arms!!
2. My sister's wedding to go off without a hitch!!
3. The kids to stay "healthy" like they are now!!!
4. LOSE WEIGHT (now I started last year and did really well but then the kids got sick, so it's time to start again)
5. Heal the relationship between my hubby and his family
6. Heal our finaces
Those are my top 6 wishes for the new year!! As I said somethings are in my control like the weight thing!!! I have NO will power and am totally addicted to Coke, so hopefully I can get this back in control!!!

this time of the year

This year has been tough, Christmas for anyone who has lost a loved one is a little bittersweet (although I find mother's day is the hardest) Christmas is VERY close. Everything I do at this time of the year is for the children and because of this I am forever reminded that there is one child missing. For Christmas every year we bring our baby angel bear a Christmas tree!!!

For whatever reason, this year has been twice as hard, maybe it's because of the news we got about the middle two bears this summer and how it seemed for a while we may also lose them. Or maybe it's the fact that it has been REALLY cold out here where we are and the truck has decided not to start, it has already been towed out of here on a flat deck trailer and put in a heated shop over night, only to have it not start again the next week. I missed my turn lighting the advent candle at church and I also missed the Christmas get together at church, both because of the truck!!

Then this week the van got REALLY stuck, and we had to borrow a truck to try and pull it out, in the process we ripped a bunch of hoses on the van (now we can't drive that either) and the bumper came off. Hopefully we can get one of them up and running soon.

So there are 2 days till Christmas, I'm missing my angel baby, and really wish a vehcile would go so that we could actually get to some of the places we are to be this week.

This is one of those times that I could remember that God really does love us, but at times it feels as though he has it out for us!!!

A Mom's work

As most of you know I am a Mom of four children, some days it seems that the work never ends.

Here is a timeline of events starting with ending my shift last night!!!

12:31- got into the van at work (it was so cold because the van still doesn't heat)
12:35- stopped to get gas, had to Prue-pay because it was after midnight, again so, so cold
1:02- walked into the house at home
1:05- checked my face book
1:15- went to get ready for bed (barely in the bathroom and lil' sister bear was calling said she dropped her pillow, in fact the pillow was on the other side of the bed)
1:20- went to bed, only to realize that baby bear was asleep on my side of the bed, moved him over and crawled in, don't know what time I actually fell asleep.
6:20- woke up to Daddy bear trying to get big sister bear out of bed
6:35- Had big brother bear come crying to me (I don't even remember why)
6:40- crawled out of bed
7:15- started bugging the kids to get their things on (only to have lil' sister bear start crying that her ski pants were still in the van from last night)
7:18- ask big brother bear to please go get them (he was dressed)
7:19- Big brother bear starts crying
7:25- big brother bear finally goes to get them
7:30- big sister bear goes outside to let the buss driver know that yes in fact the kids are coming
7:32- big brother bear goes out to the bus (gift for his teacher in hand)
7:35- Lil sister bear finally ready also goes outside (just in time to get on the bus)
7:36- Quiet again!!!!
7:37- sit to watch some T.V with baby bear
7:40 Baby bear wants something to eat
8:00 the house work starts
9:14- get a call from Daddy bear could you please go pick up a veggie platter to bring to big sister bear at school (he was gonna go but the have him doing something besides hi usual job and he can't leave)
9:16- run out to start the van
9:17- ask baby bear to please put on his socks
9:18- try to deiced what to do about the mess I call hair
9:19-Ask about the socks again
9:20- Go find some jeans (figure big sister bear would not like it if I show up at school in my jammys)
9:21- Again about the socks
9:22- figure if I'm leaving may as well pick up the things I need try to find something to write on
9:23- Find baby bears socks and put them on him
9:24- realize lil'sister bear left her gift for her teacher at home, and know she's probability VERY upset.
9:25- finally got what I need head for the van.
9:50- Get to Wal Mart
9:52- stand in line to return a dish bought as a Christmas gift got it home and it promptly broke
9:56- Get on with the shopping
10:30- leave and head to market place
10:40- leaving market Place fruit platter and veggie platter in hand
11:00- Get to lil sister bears school, teachers gift in hand
11:03- Lil sister bear comes into the office yells Mom gives me a HUGE hug, grabs the gift and runs off ( the hug was worth it all)
11:05- get into the van to head over to big sister bears school with the veggie platter
11:06- leave the veggie platter in the office for big sister bear
11:30- arrive home, try to finish the house work
11:32- start a fire to burn the garbage that daddy bear was to burn yesterday but didn't
11:35- Start a load of laundry
11:36- Want to put the drinks in the fridge for big sister bears Christmas party and realize the fridge needs to be cleaned first
11:37- clean the fridge
11:50- throw more trash on to burn
11:55- change the laundry
11:58- wash some dishes
12:00 get baby bear his lunch
12:05- clean the fish tank (baby bear fed the fish this morning almost all the food and the water is now brown
12:10- wondering why I am cleaning the house for big sister's party
12:15- change the laundry, add more garbage to burn
12:20- put pop in the fridge
12:25- Finish this and get back to work, wonder if I can fit a nap in today??? Having 5 teenage girls over for a sleep over thinking sleep may not happen tonight!!!

twas the week before christmas

Twas the week before Christmas
and all through the house
all the creatures were stirring,
probably even the mice.

The stockings were thrown
all over the floor
knowing that Mom
couldn't take it anymore

The children should have
been nestled in bed,
but were running the
hallways instead.

Mom with her quilt
and Dad with the toys
were trying to enjoy
each other company,
despite all the noise.

When out on the lawn,
all was quiet
it was to cold and
the truck didn't like it.

Next week all the holidays will be done
and then we'll wait and entire
year to again celebrate
all that God's gift has done!!

the over due post!!

I just realized that it has been almost 2 weeks since my last post and what a two weeks it's been. For those of you who know me you know that trouble seems to follow us!!!! :-) Anyhow these last few weeks have been no different, it all started when I wasn't feeling well, everyone knows that Moms CANNOT stop to get better, the laundry waits for no one!! (hehehe, and there are no laundry elves contrary to what the family may think) Anyhow I spent a whole day lying around and only doing what was ABOUSTLY necessary, so then of course once I felt better I had ALOT to do.

Then last week lil sister bear had an upset tummy, there were a few times that myself and Daddy bear saw horrible things about to happen and yelled run!!! The messes were all avoided and she is now feeling much better!!! She has since told her Grandma bear that she wasn't sick she just missed me and didn't want me to work ( the Mommy guilt set in big time then, but the reality is that I HAVE to work or we don't eat it's as simple as that!!) I'm hoping she'll get used to it soon, and next week they are all off so she'll be loving that!!

This week it has been VERY cold here in Manitoba, Saturday we got home late, plugged in the truck (ford f-250 diesel) or so we thought, turns out the extension cord was broken so the truck was not getting any power. Needless to say once a diesel is that frozen they just don't go!!!! So Sunday morning I was to light the advent candle at church, Daddy bear went to start the truck (the van does not heat) and nothing, So I did not make it, but I had to work that night so we worked on getting the van going, and finally were able to!! Then the hubby turned his attention to the truck, he ended up going and getting new extension cords, and an Oil pan heater (was to be his Christmas gift) anyhow it all didn't work, so last night a dear fellow from our Church came over and towed out the truck, put it on a trailer and took it home to his heated shop overnight and this morning the old girl fired up again!!!

Oh and did I mention that on Monday morning not only was it -42, and the truck wouldn't go but we woke to frozen water as well, now since we live in a trailer this happens quite often (usually just when it's REALLY cold) so Hubby's a pro at thawing them and has it down to a science so it usually doesn't take long, but does require him to be out doors to watch so that things don't catch fire (we use a halogen work lamp). Needless to say we now have water again, the truck is going, the van is also going (but still not heating) and the children have gone back to school ( they stayed home Monday and Tuesday because of the cold they have a VERY long bus ride (about 1.5 hours) and I just don't feel comfortable putting them on the bus when it's that cold, our school only closes at -45, Monday it was -42, and Tuesday -40) so all is right in the world yet again.

One last thought our baby bear learned a very hard lesson this am he climbed onto the counter yet again (which he has been doing for many years now, he learned to climb before he learned to crawl), but today he knocked down the sewing machine which in turn feel on his head, yup you heard right hit him in the back of the head, he won't don't that again, at least for today I think..........

Quilting

As anybody who knows me, knows I LOVE QUILTING, fabric, needles and thread are a HUGE passion for me!!! I never knew it when I started bugging the family for a sewing machine about 7 years ago, but here I am now. For what ever reason 7 years ago for Christmas I decided that I would like a sewing machine for Christmas. I got a brother sewing machine (it was second hand, but that's okay, my mom didn't want to dish out a pile of money on something I might not like!!!) I love it, in fact I got a brand new machine and the old one works better (in fact the old one works and the new one not so much), but with the new job I have not had much time to use the machine, I miss it!!! But truthfully I just don't have the energy or the time, it has been getting better, as I go but I still do not have the time they way I used to. If only you could see my house you would understand (oh wait I don't want anyone to see the house :-)) So I have a pile of quilts waiting to be "finished", One of them being a snow flake quilt done in blues which my big sister bear has already said is hers, it is only a lap quilt but I would like to make it longer to fit her bed, it seems the fabric to finish it has disappeared though (what was that about cleaning? hehehe). Then of course there are all the new projects waiting to be done!! Tomorrow is my second day off this week I will spend the am cleaning and the afternoon playing?? (hopefully)


Now I have always cross stitched to in fact started that when I was about 15, it is the one of many things that got me through the loss of my angel bear (something relaxing about have to count out the stitches doesn't leave alot of time to think about the things going on around you). So I also have a pile of stitching that needs to be done, including a stitching I'm doing for lil sister bears room of a girl on a swing ( it reminded me of lil sister bear as soon as I saw it and I knew she had to have it) oh to find the time!!! :-)

You know even though I don't have as much time to do those things I am enjoying my job not that it doesn't have it's headaches, I really like the people I work with/for. It is a good fit for me and my family, I'm glad I now work and it sooo nice to talk to big people every now and then. Don't get me wrong I love my family, I just never realized how much I did for them (I don't think they realized it either) before and it's nice for them to have to help after all most of my kids are old enough to help around the house. That and we really needed the extra money I could bring in!!! Now at least the kids will get pizza day and hot dog days at school again, for the last few years it's been hard to find the money for those things!!

So today will be a slow not so productive day (keeping baby bear out of trouble is a full time job trouble seems to follow him) so I've been busy trying to keep him for destroying the place all morning, maybe at nap time I'll sweep and wash the floors!!!

sick

I am wondering why is it that kids are "sick" then the bus leaves and suddenly they feel fine??? Yup that's what happened this am big brother bear was "sick" so sick in fact that when I questioned him he cried. What a crock he is not sick, in fact I'm about ready to take him to school , and I should be baking ginger bread men!!!!

Now me on the other hand, my belly is doing flip flops, oh well live goes on, yesterday the water froze, so I didn't get the laundry done, so today is a work day and a catch up at home day!!! I'm on the computer so you can imagine just how much catching up is actually getting done. Not only that but I'm gonna be an Auntie so last week while I was out I found a sweet little sleeper with duckies on it that I was eyeing when we knew the baby was on it's way but was only 5 weeks along, was now on sale. So now that baby is 16.5 weeks I bought it!!! Then I headed over to the fabric section (my FAVORITE part of the store) and promptly found matching flannelette's to make a receiving blanket, I stitched a ducky dancing in the rain on it sewed it together no I'm in the process of finishing the edge on and I hear it calling to me.Wonder how much catching up I will get down today? Theres always tomorrow!!!

heart breaking news

My heart goes out the Ter of www.onebearhugatatime.blogspot.com her dear husband has been battling cancer for the last few months, then suddenly he's gone. I'm hopping all who read this will keep Ter in their prayers as she faces life without her Bear. Ter my thoughts and prayers are with you!!

schentzil

Schnitzel was our wiener dog, Lil sister bear is an animal lover, she has always wanted a puppy. Daddy bear promised her a puppy, so after saving for a while it was decided that we would get a puppy. We picked a miniature dachshund as our new puppy, he was 4 months old and was a dapple (simply meaning he was tri-colored).

Schnitzel was with us for just a few weeks when we found out about the PH1 in little sister bear because I was convinced that she was dying I was so glad she got her puppy. After being with us for just 6 months he ran into the side of a van and died. It has just been recently that I have really missed the little guy, we did get a new puppy, but she is really large (a golden lab cross) and so she is outside, though we love her she's just to big to be in our little house, maybe it's time to start saving again and get a new small puppy???

That's the thought for today, we'll see what happens!!

today is a feel like crying day!!!

Today is a "I feel like crying" day, and I'm not sure why. I think it maybe because of a conversation I had yesterday. Anyhow it brought up a bunch of feelings I thought where gone. So today I feel like crying!!!

It's over whelming at times to realize that my lil sister bear and big brother bear may one day need new livers and possibly liver and kidneys. Which hopefully will never need to be, as they are being monitored so that their kidney's would be "safe" and if a transplant would ever need to be done it would be a liver, and not both. It's scary and though I try really hard not to think about/ worry about it at times I can't help it.

Not only that but I have a HUGE family 26 aunts and uncles (my Dad has 15 living brothers and sister and my Mom has 11) and they all but 1 are married and I have LOTS of cousins (178 at last count but theres probably more now) so you would think that I would have LOTS of support not really I'm willing to bet that most of them DO NOT know my children's names and most do not know what is going on with the children. It really makes me sad I wish we were all closer, oh how I wish.

Last summer my parents had a MAJOR car accident and we almost lost them both, most of the family did not come see them, much less help when it was needed, I just realized last night how truly hard that time was, I was the only child that is home all day so alot of their "care" fell on me. Now don't get me wrong I AM NOT COMPLAINING, and if found in the same spot again would GLADLY do it again. I think that having all that to do made my "busy" so that I didn't have to think about what was happening, then last night as we chatted I got chocked up and realized how hard it was. My parents are still here and I am so thankful for that and as I said I would GLADLY do it again!!! I think I just need a good cry.


I am also missing my angel baby today, maybe I can make a trip to the cemetery to see him today!!! Funny how 10 years have gone by and sometimes it still hurts like it did the day we found out he was gone, I know he's safe but I still wish he was here!!! What I wouldn't give to just see him one more time, to just be able to tell him how much I miss and love him!!! I love you Mackenzie Wade I hope you know that!!!

Be still and know...

Be still and know that I AM GOD.......
This is my favorite verse......
In fact it is painted on my wall in the kitchen as a reminder......
Even with this reminder I often forget.....
Oh how I wish I could ALWAYS remember.....



Here is why this is a favorite, a few years ago (actually 5 years ago) our big brother bear had kidney stones (he was 3 at the time) and the were growing at an alarming rate so it was decided that he should under go the ultrasonic laser treatment to break up the stones so that he could pass them. We of cor use then had to strain his pees to make sure we got it all and so it could be sent to be tested to see what kind it was. 1 week after the "breaking" we had to bring our little boy back for an ultrasound, then for and x-ray, then back to the doc again for the "results" (it was a VERY LONG day spent at children's with a three year old and a 1 year old).Anyhow it was then decided that the stone had indeed broken but now all the pieces were lodged in the utterer and not allowing his left kidney to drain, We were schedule for a return to the O.R. for in 4 days time, where big brother bear would again be put under and the procedure repeated to see if we could move the pieces. I prayed as hard as I ever had before (as did our church) Though we knew the was no allegery to the antisetic (my fear the first time) This time he knew what was to be done and hes was not happy about it. The morning of the procedure I was a wreck, because he was a wreck. As lil sister bear was just a year she was to go to Grandma and Grandpa bears house, once there we brought everyone in and I realized I forgot the diaper bag in the van I simply stepped out the door and took the 5 or so steps to the van and the song Still still and know (sung by Mercy Me) popped into my head, I brushed it off, In the house my Mom kept telling me to stop worrying so hard when it's your baby. Once on the highway (about2 minutes from my parents) guess what they started playing that's right Be still and know by Mercy Me!!! I suddenly felt strangely calm, and told my hubby bear that we would not be having anything done. At the hospital we were sent for a follow up x-ray to see if the stone was still there, we then took the x-ray to day surgery with us. Once in the elevator I took the x-ray out and held it up. THERE WERE NO STONES, I was so excited (keep in mind I had at this point seen 7 x-rays and knew what to look for) We did not have the second procedure, instead we called Grandma and Grandpa bear with the good news ( Grandma bear is also a worrier) then went for breakfast. So you see twice that day God told me clear as day to trust if only I could listen even when we are told why is it so hard????

Anyhow the whole reason for this post is that I can now tell the world that I will soon be an Auntie bear, that's right you didn't read this wrong My brother and his beautiful wife are gonna make me an Auntie Bear( okay so I have a 10 year old nephew already, on my husband's side but he was born 6 days before my angel baby bear so as you can imagine it was hard to be happy about it when all I wanted was my baby Angel bear back) it took along time and lots of help to get this far but my niece/nephew is now 14.5 weeks along, and I'm thrilled!!!!!! ( already bought some stuff and have a quilt top and growth chart ready I just gotta quilt it maybe this week you think I'm getting ahead of myself???) I can't help it I"M SOOOOO EXCITED!!!!

I think God is a quilter

I Think God is a Quilter



I think God is a quilter, Who takes His needle and thread To piece our world from nothingness, And give it form instead.

I think God is a quilter, And everything I see Are pieces from His careful hand, From tree to bumblebee.

I think we see God’s stitches. His texture everywhere; The velvet moss, the grainy sand, the silky strands of hair.

I think God is a quilter; Stitching tight and tiny rows, Adding to my scraps and pieces, Seaming everything He knows.

I think He cuts the patterns from what I throw away. He shows me how to use each scrap In His redeeming way.

I think God quilts a pattern from everything I live; But He can only stitch the quilt from what I choose to give.

I think God is a quilter, stitching strength where I am weak. Showing me that life He touches, embraces everything I seek.

I think God is a quilter, from the patience in each thread; Proving length of time no barrier; Treating time a gift instead.

I think quilts are lessons God uses uses to teach That our pieces and our remnants have kaleidoscopic reach.

So, in the life I’m living, with pieces everywhere I’ll give them to the Quilter, to stitch with loving care.

I’ll give them to the Quilter, unwanted though they be And with His work of quilting, He’ll make a quilt of me.

***Got thios from the face book group quilter friends***

Ramblings of a sleep deprived momma bear

I am dying to share my news but I just cannot yet!!!! I will say however that there are gonna be some brand new babies in my life in the near future, at least 5 so far (no one of them will NOT be mine!!!!!!), but I will not say who's they will be I'm just thrilled and cannot wait for these babies and to all the to be Moms and Dads I will babysit!!!! Call me!!!!

With that said I'm gonna rant about what I came on here to rant about, Sleep!!!! That's right sleep or should I say the lack of sleep, ever since the recent trip to the E.R. (6 weeks ago) baby bear is still not sleeping in his own bed, last night I slept in between my baby bear and my hubby bear, needless to say not much sleep happened, hubby bear snores and moves alot, and baby bear does not sleep unless he is touching me, I just do not know how to get him to sleep in his own bed, we have brought him back upwards of 6 times in a night and he just keeps coming back after a 1/2 hour or so. He was REALLY scared at this last E.R. trip and I know that he feels the need to know that we are close but seriously, I need my sleep feeling a bit like a zombie today, yesterday I lay down with baby bear around 10:30am for an hour so we could go to baby bears friends house for a play date in the afternoon and woke up at 2 pm, we slept for 2.5 hours, we didn't make it to the play date as I had to work. Tuesday I called my mom and ended up in tears, because the hot water wasn't working needles to say she saved me and had me bring her the kids then I had a LONG hot bath at her house. ( I love my MOM)

One more shift and I will be off for 2 days, then I will get this house clean, I will sleep, and I will do something with the family like a family dinner. Hopefully one day soon baby bear sleeps in his own bed, and if he doesn't he'll move out one day right??? I guess I'll sleep then, and just to clarify I AM NOT COMPLAINING< having my baby bears is a blessing, I know only to well that they are only borrowed to me and God in his infinite wisdom can call them home to be with him whenever he feels the time is right, so I will enjoy the sleepless nights as much as I can, and know that this to is only for a season, and try to remember that one day I WILL miss having my baby bear in my bed. Maybe by then I will have some grand baby bears who will ALWAYS be welcome in my home and my bed!!!! :-)

my rant for today

I have now been working for 5 weeks, and am now also supervising the evening/close shift, so I've had to learn alot in a few short weeks. The hardest part is the fact that the family has had to adjust to our new normal and some of us are not adjusting well!!!

I work 5pm to 12am, my day starts around 6:30am so by the time I get home and unwound and to bed it is usually VERY late (3:00am) The next day I then have to clean the house, make lunch and dinner, and make sure baby bear stays out of trouble (which is a feat in it's self), in the last few weeks I have had to answer the same question from Daddy bear 3 or 4 times, YES I STILL LOVE YOU AND YES I STILL FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE. I'm just really tired, there it is for the world to see!!!

I am also wondering when they will realize that I am tired and do not want to do the dish the next day, or pick up the wet clothes in the bathroom, put away their laundry, when I already washed,dried and folded it, is it to much to ask that they put it away? I don't think so.

I also feel alot of pressure to maitian a clean house, I do not remember my Mom's house ever being a mess, and my Mother-in-laws house is ALWAYS clean (even when it's dirty) I just don't feel like I measure up and I'm sorry but I'm trying the best I can, I also find I do not have time for myself, I don't remember the last time I used my sewing machine for pleasure, as a matter of fact lil sister bear has 4 pairs of pants that need to be made smaller in the waist and I haven't had time for that much less anything else, not to mention having a shower I have been doing that at night after work because there just is no other time, I can not leave baby bear alone darning the day he'd destroy the place so after work it is, do you think anyone around here has noticed??? Probably not, they are all worried about the next thing Mom will do for them, and Mom's feeling a Little under appreciated at the moment. I'm gonna have me a little pity cry, then I'm gonna do last nights dishes, pick up and wash the floors, burn the garbage and some laundry!!!


To my family I'm sorry and I'm doing the best I can you know how much we need me to work!!!!

guilt

What is with guilt?

I feel guilty about alot of things, This summer was not a good summer for us, my baby bears were suddenly diagnosed with PH1(primary hyper oxaluria) the only cure is a new liver, as everyone knows you can not just buy a new liver they would need a transplant. However the treatment (which may or may not work there's only a 50 percent chance it will) which is vitamin B6 is working for both kids. However we spent the whole summer pulling away from everyone and really not doing anything, we mainly sat at home and felt sorry for ourselves. I can not tell you how many nights I sat up all night long crying and begging God to please allow me to keep my baby bears. Now I feel guilt what will it take for me to trust that God will take care? With everything that has happened God has always been there so why not trust why question????

I also feel guilt about working, last week I worked 36 hours and then I felt guilty for not being at home, really we need the money there is no way for me not to work. When you can't give your child 5 dollars for school you need to do something about that, so I have to work I just wish I didn't feel so guilty about it!!!

Then there are the other things like, my parents recently my mom came into my place of employment and said we just came in because this is the only place we get to see you now, it has been hard to fit everyone in and I'm sorry but when I work 5 pm to 12 am there really isn't any other time for me to stop in, not only that but I have some friends that I have not been able to see or even meet and I feel bad about that too, there just has not been time, I also still have the baby angel quilts for the hospital because I have just not been able to get together with Terri!!! So sorry hopefully I'll be able to work that out soon!!!

So tomorrow I will go back to work and feel guilty again about the messy house and the fact that I'm leaving Daddy bear at home with the baby bears so I can work!!!

dead baby jokes not so funny!!!!

I am so digusted by the discovery that some people think that my baby dying is funny. My son dying is the single most horriable thing that has EVER happened to me in my life!!! IT IS NOT FUNNY!!!

There are several facebook groups that are totally devoted to dead baby jokes, I'm asking everyone with a facebook account to report these groups, so that we can get rid of these groups.


There are alot of things that have happened in my life that were not funny when they happened but I can laugh about now, but my baby dying will never be funny!!!

big sister bear

I have deicded that top forgive is to forget. With that said I will say that I was young (17) when I found out big sister bear was on her way, I loved her Daddy bear as much as I could at 17. I never knew it would end the way it did. I was hurt by ALOT of people while expecting my baby bear, people close to me and people not so close and those people know who they are and what they have done. I would also like to say that I have worked VERY hard to forgive these sais people, therefore I will not post about those hurts. To forgive is to forget!!!
SO I will go ahead to the birth of my big sister bear, she was born on october 30, 1995 at 2:54 pm. She was silent as she entered the world, I did not know why, she was wisked off to the other side of the room for oxygen right away and was soon pink and crying!!! My Mom was there when she was born as was her daddy bear, she was BEATUIFUL!!! She weighed 7 lbs. 4 1/2 oz. (excatly what I was when I was born)

I LOVE MY BIG SISTER BEAR SHE IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!
I'd do all the hurts over again in a heartbeat to have my big sister bear!!!!

big sister bear

tirteen years ago today at 2:54 pm big sister bear made her arrival into the world!!!

This is a very hard story to tell prehaps even harder then baby angel bears story. Here is her story.

I was just 14 when I met big sister bear's Daddy bear, we didn't start a relationship right away, but eventually we did. Now that I have a 13 year old I realize just how young I really was.

I was 16 when we really started our relationship, soon he was my all, my best friend the person I shared everything with. I was just about 17 when I found out we were gonna be parents. I was scared, I had to tell my parents and my Mom had my Dad take me to the walk in clinic for the test.

I remeber sitting in the examination room waiting for the doc to come in he asked if I was indeed pregant would I end the pregancy? I told him no he asked me three timmes each time I said no. I loved her Daddy bear and thought this would be forever!!! The day I found out I told my Mom it was positive she didn't talk to me for 2 hours she locked herself in the bathroom and did not come out.

I don't think my Dad said more then 10 words to me for the whole 9 months. I don't think I can finish this entry, I think this all hurts to much and don't want to relive anymore of this!!!

sleep

Baby bear has always had problems with sleep and after his recent trip to the emergency room he has not been sleeping well again!!

Every night he starts off in his bed then he gets up and comes into our bed, I of course CAN NOT sleep with him in our bed, couple that with working till 12 am, I'm very sleep deprived and I should be doing the laundry, and washing the floors. I'm gonna try to get some of these things done. I wish I had a maid!!!

5 kids

Today is a no school day!!
Today I have 5 kids all day!!
Today I work till 12 am!!!
Tomorrow I may not have hair!!!

work

I work, I have not held a job in 6 years (almost 7), I have worked in that time, in fact I could probably beat most men re- roofing a house, I have down PILES of laundry,washed the floors probably 1,000 times, not to mention bathrooms and washing dishes and picking up toys. But working where I actually leave the house and go somewhere for 8 1/2 hours and then come home again, that I have not done in along time. I have now worked 12 shifts and I am loving it thus far, but it really is knocking me on my butt!!! I'm beat when I get home I just need to sleep but alas the house work is calling. Not to mention my fabric withdrawal, I do not find near enough time to "play" with fabric now, and then there is my blog/face book addiction it just is not helping the fabric cause.

So far today I have started the laundry, cleaned the bathroom and done 2 sinks full of dishes (we ran out of dish soap so they have been stacking up). Now it's time to log off and finish the house work and maybe just maybe today I'll get a fabric fix!!!!

hope

In my last post I sadi we have a great thsnksgiving, finally everyone had something to be thankful for . Well we have EVEN more to be thankful for, my baby bears are gonna be okay, the vitamin B6 IS WORKING!!!! big brother bears oxalates are normal again (normal is under 500 and his are around 350) lil sister bears were at 2000 and are now down to 673 so we will just be upping her from 250 mg of B6 a day to 300 mg. a day!!!! This means we have avoided a transplant for now, we will be seeing the doc every four months and doing 24 hour urines every 3 months for now and then once things are stable and going well we will see her evey 6 months. As for side effects lil sister bear was having VERY upset tummies as she upped her dose of meds, and big brother bear was having nightmares, but now that they have been on the meds for a whille they seem to have stopped!!!!

I feel like I can finally sleep, it has been7 months of worry and nights and sitting up all night crying and begging God to save my babies I just don't think I could ever be "okay" again if another baby left me!!!


MY BABY BEARS WILL BE OKAY!!!!!

God's promise

thankfulness

I think back to tha last few years and I had a thought why not post where I am now, but first you must know that my life has been far from perfect infact I feel like ever step to here has pretty much been a strugle, now I know some of them where my fault. At 17 I had my first baby, that would be my big sister bear and it was hard, expecting a baby at 17 was not something i would EVER choose to do again!! I love big sister bear and she is one of the greater things I've had happen to ne, but if I had my choice I'd have her a few years later!!

At 19 I met my husband and we got engaged, pregant and married in that order. I was 20 when my angel baby bear was born still. Losing him is by far the WORST thing that has ever happened to me and yet I would not go back and not have him, I may not have alot to remember him by but I do have memories and he's my baby!!!

When big brother bear was 3 he had kidney stones, then lil sister bear had kidney stones at 5 and we knew something was VERY wrong.

My Dad recently had both a few mini strokes and a torn shoulder muscle making him unable to work ,thus not get paid for a Very long time, as his insurance provder deicded he was well enough to work and the doc would not give him a clean bill of health.

Then my parents were involved in a MAJOR car accident and we just about lost them both, thankfully they are still here and finally able to work again, and pretty much back to "normal" or maybe we've just gotten used to a new "normal".

We just had thanksgiving and this is the FIRST thanksgiving that each family had something to be thankful for!!!! My family is thankful for an answer to the children's problem, no it was not the answer we wanted but it is an answer and maybe by already knowing we can avoid a liver transplant for now, God will take care of it and if we need the transplant God will be there and we WILL be okay. I'm not saying that, it is not scary I'm just saying that God has always been there before he won't leave us alone now!!!!! We are also VERY thankful for my job, we'll finally not have to worry about money anymore, there will alwyas be food in the fridge and we'll ba able to order hamburger days and hotdog days, these are things that haven't always been in our house there have been to many days when the fridge was empty and me and Daddy bear did not eat so the baby bears could!!! My sister has found a man who is good enough to marry her, he's a wonderful man who will be there for her forever and she's so happy. My brother and sister-in-law have finally been able to do something that they have been wanting for a very long time. My parnets finally came into some money and now things aren't as tight for then either!!!!

Thanksgiving was better this year then it has been in 10 years and we are so thankful!!!! God has brought us through and will be there forever!!! There were lots of happy tears at the dinner table, you know us girls we cry!!! :-)

work

I have not worked in almost 7 years, since I was seven months pregnant with lil sister bear. So now that lil sister bear is in school full time days I decided it was time to get a part time job!!! I talked to Daddy bear about it but he did not want any part of it!!! So I've been talking about it for about 4 months so finally I told him i was gonna apply anyway. A friend told me that the shopper's drug mart was looking for people so I decided to put in an application. I did that on a Friday and Monday the hubby called me I think 3 times to see if they called. So Tuesday i called them and they said they'd let me know early next week. So I waited, then on weds of the next week I decided that if they did not call I'd go to town the next day and put in apps. everywhere. Low and behold they called. I went in for an interview and was hired that same day. I started my job the following Sunday!!!!

I'm so excited, I go to work evenings and weekends when Daddy bear is home with the baby bears to watch them. Not only is it more money, it is a chance to talk to people taller then 3 feet (don't get me wrong I Love my 3 feet tall people, but I need adult conversation to keep my brain from turning to mush)and I love my job so far!!!! We'll see what the future holds for our family now hopefully we're finally through the rough patch!!!!

boys and buttons

Here is a button that he says is like "frank" the button up his nose!!!

buttons and boys!!

It has been a while since I blogged so it's time for an update!!! The children were to have an appointment on October the 2 to see if the B6 is working or not, but it was cancelled at the last minute, and we now will go on October the 16!!

Second I now have a job!!! That's right I am a front cashier at shopper's drug mart, the job is a perfect fit for me, gives me the hours I need, a chance to talk to people who are not 3 feet tall(and I love the ones that are only 3 feet tall,but a chance to have grown up conversation is great)not to mention some more money in our house which is REALLY needed!!!

Now on to the boys and buttons part of this entry!!! Allow me to tell you what my baby bear did this week!!! Sunday was my first ever shift at shoppers, so Daddy bear stayed home with the baby bears and I went to work I got home at 7:30 pm, baby bear was to be sleeping, because he tends to play with lil sister bear we put him in our bed, well instead of going to sleep he was playing in my scrap booking things. At 9:15 ish he came out to tell us that he had put a button up his nose and could not get it out. We had a look and could not see it so it was decided that a trip to the E.R. was in order. I loaded him up and headed to the Selkirk E.R.

In Selkirk they held him down and had a look but could not see the button, so on to children's we went, we arrived at 12:00 am and sat in the waiting room for a short while. Soon we were called to the back and the E.R. doc had a look sure enough there was the button, but it was so far in that he did not want to try to get it because he didn't want to push it in even further. He asked us where we lived and how far from the hospital that was (about 1 1/2 hours) then off he went to call the Ear/nose/throat docs. A little while later the nurse came back to let us know that ENT would be in at 8 am. So we could either go home and be back at 8 or they would put us in an observation room and we could "try" to sleep. That was the choice we went with, so off we went into a room. By the time I got baby bear to sleep I'm guessing it was about2 am. I pulled out the lazy boy a settled in, EVERY time baby bear moved I checked on him, I was worried the button might move and he would chock. At some point I remember thinking I need to remember to move the truck in the am. Well finally around 7:30 I tried to sneak out to use the washroom, but baby bear also woke up. So we went to the washroom and the nurse came to talk to us and tell use that ENT should be there shortly. I told her I needed to move the truck and would take baby bear with me, she offer to have him sit at the nurses station while I moved the truck. I went outside (it was raining) came around the corner and my heart sank NO truck. I went back inside called daddy bear.......
Me: I got the truck towed."
DB: No you didn't
Me: no I'm kidding (dripping with sarcasm)
DB: don't do that to me
Me: I'm not kidding it's gone (then I cry)
DB: really?
Me: please just call Dr.Hook and find it
DB: you just go back to baby bear and I'll take care of the truck (I love him)
Me: okay thankyou!!!

I go back to baby bear, still no ENT we go back to our room to watch tree house and wait around 10:00 the nurse comes in to tell us that ENT will be there around 12:00 and asks if baby bear has had anything to eat? I tell her no and she says she'll find him some cereal and order a lunch tray for him, then remembers baby bear will probably have to be put under in order to retrieve the button so no food no drink. Which means momma bear can not have anything either because that would not be fair. Baby bear knew I had apple juice for him and kept asking for it in fact I had to hide it in Oder to keep him from sneaking it. I explained that they wanted to give him special medicine to make him sleep and food and juice would make him sick but he is only 3 and most of that did not make sense to him!!!

We sat down in the lazy boy together and got cozy and cuddled while watching tree house and tried to snooze.

Finally around 1:00pm ENT got there. My poor baby bear was then wrapped tight so he could not move, 2 docs and 2 nurses then came in and held down baby bear and tried to find the button. They put something on a cotton ball and up his nose to make it go to sleep and then looked. Baby bear hated it, he screamed so hard. I was at his head when the first doc had a look, trying to talk to him and calm him down. She couldn't see it. So they put some more "freezing" in his nose and the second doc had a look, my poor baby bear was screaming so hard that I couldn't take it and burst into tears, and ran from the room ( I didn't want him to see me upset) I went to the bathroom grabbed some toilet paper and tried to compose my self (it didn't work) then headed back into the hallway outside the room. Someone stopped to ask if I was okay, all I could do was nod, he then said "are yo sure" I still only nodded, he then asked if there was something he could do for me, I shook my head. Then he asked what had happened, I pointed towards my baby bear (who was still screaming) then he said ohhhh are they doing something for your child? I nodded again and he said okay and off he went. Shortly there after they were done and I went straight back to baby bear and scooped him up and cuddled him. He was so upset!!!!

They did not find the button, we had x-rays done just to make sure that he did not breath it into him lungs, we think he swallowed it, we were then released to go home and are now keeping an eye on him to make sure it's not still in his nose. So we have to check to see if it comes out the other end, or if there's a reaction in his nose!!!!

So far no button, we do know that it is pink and it's name is Frank!!!

My guess is that he NEVER puts anything up his nose again!!!! I think this was lesson learned!!!

laundry

It's been a while since I posted here, I have been busy with laundry!! Seriously I had some much this week it was crazy, Sunday night when big sister bear came home from yet another visit at her Dad's. She discovered that the cats had peed on her bed, now that would not be a HUGE deal in a normal bed but big sister bear has LOTSand LOTS of pillows and blankets. So monday I spent the whole day just washing her things!! Then on tuesday I washed all the clothes that were found under big brother bears bed. There were so many no wonder he is forever complaining that he has no clean clothes he has been putting them under the bed instead of in the hamper where they belong.Weds. was the regular laundry (I normally do laundry on monday and friday), then thursday I decided to do the sheets,balnkets and pillow cases so that they could line dry one more time before the *s*n*o*w* I love the way the bed smells after the sheets dry on the line!!!!

Then last night big sister bear had another melt down, she was mad because I promised the middle bears I would bring home some cash for them to order T.C.B.Y's at school as they don't always get them( you see money is a luxary around here) so anyhow I went to the bank machine on weds. to make sure i had the $12.00 needed for them to each get 3 T.C.B.Y's durning the month. When she came home from school she saw the cash and infromed me that she needed to have $5.00 for the Terry Fox run. Now I don't have a problem with that. She should have told me sooner, here's why I didn't know. Her "other" Dad has decided that now that she's almost 13 (and I did the sleepless nights, the dirty diapers, the potty training, the parents teacher meetings, the nights of not knowing what was wrong while she cried) he should have a "chance" to be a Dad (his words not mine) so he signed the permission slip but did not read it and did not provide the funds required ( I wonder what will happen when she needs $430.00 for her band trip, he probally will not want to be a Dad that week) so I did not know about it so she deicded rather then me fufilling the promise to the middle bears I should give her the money, and a melt insuied, after which she called the said Dad and bashed the Mom for over and hour!!!!! I am not that bad I had Ashton at 17 and not once has someone else had to pay my rent or buy her food thats right folks I went to school I worked my but off School started at 8:30and was done at 3:00 and work started at 4:30 and did not end till 2:00am and then I went back to the baby who did not sleep!!!! Where was the hero Dad then? at home sleeping and out with friends!!!! I better stop or I'll say things I don't mean I just wish they would both stop and think of how this effects me!!! I love big sister bear and am not about to sit back and let him suddenly take over and move her in with him!!! She is mine!! If he wants a chance to be a full time Dad then he needs to get married and have some more babies I'm not about to give up mine !!!!!!!

the weekend

Last weekend we were house bound, lil sister bear and big brother bear are now at 250 mg. of vitamin B6 daily. Lil sister bear seems to be handling it fine now that she's on it but getting her up that high was a problem every time she was moved higher ( we started at 50mg for 2 weeks, then moved to 100mg. for 2 weeks, until she was at 250mg.) she had an upset tummy and sometimes would lie around for 4 hours until her tunny felt better. Big brother bear on the other hand has been having nightmares. He'll wake up and be terrified, it us ally takes a while to calm him,then we pray that God will protect him and he usually goes back to bed this happens at least once a week. I feel so bad for him but it's either he takes the meds or has a trans plant. So anyhow now that we are at 250mg. The Doc wants to check and see if it is helping. So last weekend we spent at home collecting pee in a bottle.

So this weekend I was determined we would go to church, that was not to be...... You see on Wednesday, I took the truck to my weekly Bible study ( the van was working but is not insured because we just can't afford it)and I noticed a puddle under the truck that looked alot like anti-freeze. So the next morning I let the hubby know and sure enough it leaked for him at work to that day, but he needed to work so Friday off he went then he came home and said he could not fine the leak. The next morning (Saturday) We headed to Town to get groceries when we came out there was a large puddle. So we headed straight home, he started to pull the truck apart. It was the water pump, by the time we found the part, borrowed the money to buy the part and got someone to come and get him,the store was closed. Durning this time we realized that the phone did not work at all(no dial tone) so we had to go to the neighbors and borrow a phone (now where we live any neighbor visits require a bike) Needless to say we finally got the part and the hubby put the truck back together but yet again we did not make it to church. I finally figure out the phone phone to or MTS fixed it I'm not sure which.


Maybe next weekend will be better maybe???

Free Counter

lil sister bear

Lil sister bear was my 4 th pregnancy, she was not "planned" but was VERY much wanted from the minute we knew she was on the way. My pregnancy with her was very uneventful, aside for the few times I freaked out that she wasn't moving enough things went well. I had the usal morning sickness but even that wasn't that bad. I was working as a waitress at the 59 er until my seventh month when I was suddenly fired because of the pregnacy.

At 38 weeks we went in for a schduled induction, on monday feb 11. Lil sister bear was a bit stubborn after a very uneventful labour. Finally after 23 hours she was born. She was born feb.12 at 8:38 am, she weighed 7 lbs. 10 0z. She was perfect in everyway, she did not go to N.I.C.U. She stayed with me the whole time. We were very happy.

She came home on feb 14, Daddy bear picked us up and took us to Granma and Grandpa bears house and left us there. The plan was that Grandma bear would pick big sister bear up from school and bring her there and then after dinner Grandpa bear would take us home and help put big brother bear and big sister bear to bed then leave us till daddy bear came home again. My only complaint about her birth were the hemoraids, they were soooo bad. other then taht it all went well.

I just want to share a memory from those first few hours home, as you know we were staying at Grandmas and Grandpas bear house and at the time thier bathroom was very small. When big sister bear was born I had a 17 month old foster sister and I knew from her that I should not leave big brother bear alone with lil sister bear, so I put her right outside the bathroom door. When I came out big brother bear was trying to feed lil sister bear chocolate covered peanuts!!!!!(he was just 2 at the time) I am so glad I came out when I did!!!!

three angels

I have had a few questions about the fact that I have 3 angels. It is a little known fact that I not only had Mackenzie who passed at birth, we also had 2 other babies that grew their angels wings really early. Our first loss was Mackenzie, then 9 months after his loss we decided to try again and actually planned to get pregnant (we have never done this before or again) so we did then at 8 weeks I started spotting and went to the doc(this was a Monday)he ran a test to confirm the pregnancy and sent me home to take it easy for the next few days.I was told if I wasn't spotting anymore on weds. I could go back to work so that's what I did. On weds. at lunch the spotting started again. We went to the hospital had an ultrasound and were sent home. Our baby left us that night, we were devastated. We deicded that we would not try again because it was just to hard. Then we got pregant with big brother bear!!!

The other angel's story is much the same we lost that baby at 8 weeks right before lil sister bear!!!!

God's promise

While driving home toady after dropping Daddy bear off at work I got to thinking. A few days ago on the way home we ( me and the whole family) saw the most glorious rainbow. In fact it was so large that I could not get the whole thing on the camara screen at once. I feel like with everything that has happened in the past few years, God is trying to tell me something and maybe I'm not listening or I just don't get it. The bad things keep happening witin my family as aquick example, my son died, then my next son was born and brought right to the N.I.C.U, I had diabetes in my last pregancy, my Dad had a stroke, then both of my parents were invloved in a MAJOR car accident (infact if thr car had been hit just a foot over the would not have made it), and most recently my two middle bears have been diagnosed with PH1.

Okay so today while driving I began thinking about that rainbow, what if I have been thinking way to hard about the bad things? So then I treid to come up with the good things that have happened, and you know what they way out weigh the bad ones!!!!
First I have 4 beautiful, smart, healthy (for the most part) children that is four wonderful blessings that I should be so thankful for, my in laws have finally come from paraguay (now we all have a chance to get to know them it is wonderful to see the children interact with them), My parents are both here, there were only minor effects leftover from the storke and they are both still here!!!! My brother has married the most wonderful women who fits right in our family, and my sister is about to marry the most wonderful man who also has be come just like one of us!!!

So there you have it the blessings the Lord has given. Even some of the bad things are becoming blessings the things i learned about being a mom through the loss of angel bera would not have been learned without his loss. Don't get me wrong I'd give my right arm to have him back even for just a few hours, but that is not to be, so life goes on just as it will as we deal with this PH1. As a family WE WILL NOT ALLOW THIS TO DESTROY US!!!!!!

IO am so thankful to God for all the blessings and that rainbow a few days ago on that road, that's what I needed a reminder that God is still there, even when we feel so alone!!!!

Baby bear (warning this post contain's poop)

I've been thinking...... Now that's usually not such a great idea.......but in this case it was, I posted me angel bears story but I still have 4 bears here with me so I thought I should post on them as well. Then I couldn't figure out where to start so I'll start with baby bear.

Here's baby Bear's story this far,my baby bear was a bit of a surprise.(a welcome surprise but a surprise none the less) You see he is the last of 5 babies. My morning sickness was there but tolerable, although I lost 20 pounds in the first 3 months (if only I could do that now :) ) Then at 26 weeks the contractions started for a while I thought me may have to go to the hospital, after a few hours they finally stopped and life resumed. Then at 32 weeks I got the flu it was sooooooo bad, I ended up in the hopstial for an I.V. and a shot of Demerol and went home a few hours later, only to discover not soon after that I had diabetes, so then EVERY week we saw our OBGYN, the diabetes doc, and had an ultrasound, we were checking our blood sugars 4 times a day and ended up having to inject insulin twice a day.

After all that for about 8 weeks, I went into labour at 37 weeks, off to the hospital we headed I would have stayed home longer but the folks around me were freaking, so off we went. My labour was pretty normal and after 15 hours our baby bear entered the world weighing 8 lbs. 7 oz. on April 19,2005.

We have decided that God new the things that were in store for us (of course he new, he knows everything) that is why he gave us Brycen. He knew we would need humor in ours lives and Brycen sure has provided this!!!!!

Some examples of the things we laugh at!!!! On Good Friday a few years ago we were to go to my parents house for dinner. Well we were dressed and ready to head out the door and baby bear decided that he should play in the paint. That's right the paint HE SPILLED A WHOLE GALLON OF PAINT on the floor and the leather sofa it was everywhere!!! Of course Daddy bear was not happy so he told baby bear to head for the bathroom what do you think happened?????

That's right little bear foot prints all the way down the hallway, I of course started yelling don't wash him yet I gotta get a picture no ones gonna believe this. We were soooooooo late!!!!

Another good example just happened a few weeks ago, baby bear is now 3 years old and totally potty trained. Well I'm in the living room folding laundry the two middle bears are out playing in the yard with baby bear, and the oldest bear is still sleeping ( she's a teen, that's pretty much all they do).When all of a sudden I hear baby bear yelling from the doorway the conversation went like this. These are his exact words!!!
Baby Bear: " Mom bring me toilet paper"
Me: "why"
Baby Bear: "I just crapped in the yard"
Me: "You what???" Thinking I had heard him wrong
Baby Bear: "I crapped in the yard"
Me: " YOu what???" still thinking I heard wrong
Baby Bear: I crapped in the yard just bring me toilet paper."
So I go over to see what is going on and there he is standing in front of the door with his pants around his ankles. He had pooped in the yard!!!!!
Apparnetly he is not only potty trained but house trained as well. I am so proud!!!!

PH1

My lil bears have PH1, we have just found out (lil sister bear 8 weeks ago, and big brother bear 3weeks ago) Everytime we go to the doc it gets scarier. This week we went for an appointment with a new doc, and left with appointments for EKG's for both bears, it's pretty scary to think that this horriable diease could secertly be damaging all of my precious bears organs, in fact they would like both bears to have their eyes checked (we already had an appoinment), most people actually find out that something is wrong when the optomatrist says that there are crystals in their eyes. I am trying really hard not to worry, but it's really hard when you are told your little bears need EKG's, I thought that people have those when they have heart attacks. Life is pretty scary at our house at the moment, I wish I could go back to the days when we worried about paying the bills and the rent, not watching for signs of renal failure!!!!

spelling errors

I don't get it I did the spell check before I pulished my post and th errors are still all there? Why I even went back and did spell check after it was pulished and re published them and they are still there!!!! What am I doing wrong? Anyone? I'd sure like to know!!!

slurpee ediqute

Okay people, here's how it works (or should work) Whne you are going for a slurpee it is first come first serve, not push children out of the way so you can get your slurpee!!!!

Here's what happened to me a few weeks ago, I was taking my baby bears and my nephew bears "treasure hunting" (aka: Geocaching) with my brother and sister-in-law ( they have the GPS). BUt first we had to pay my drivers, make a new health card and go to the doctor for big sister bear's ear ache and the children did REALLY well after all, all this took all morning and they are 3,6,8,10 and 12, so I promised as soon as we were done we'd get slurpees. So we went to the closeset 7, once there the bears were pretty exicted so by the time I got inside with baby bear the older bears were all at the slurpee machinesAs I walked in I noticed a little girl maybe 2 and a half or 3 years old running around by the door with a slurpee cup, the mother was at the other end of the store at the drink coolers.

Well we wnet over to the slurpee machines where I was helping all the bears with lids and straws and such and trying to get the baby bear his slurpee, when all of a sudden the other mother appeared and pushed my lil' sister bear out of her way to get her daughter a slurpee first. Ahem HELLO we were there first, now I have no problem allowing someone to go ahead of me, as she would have been done quickly, but she actually pushed my little bear,who does that? It should be first come first sevre and please no pushing other peoples little bears all they want is slurpees, It'll only take a minute and they are outta there!!!!

Anyhjow the rest of the afternoon was so much fun we found 3 treausres, all the older bears each found one and got caught in the thunderstrom (it came up fast and rained really hard). We'd do it again though the bears loved iT!!!!

one last comment on my angel baby

Okay I was thinking last night and I would like to do add one nore entry on my angel baby for now.

These are my only memories of my sweet baby.........
He was a mover whenever I leaned over something he kicked it or punched it,one time in the bath he pushed so hard on my belly I could see is foot, His daddy always wanted to feel him move and he always stopped before he could until one night I climbed into bed and Mackenzie was kicking so hard I told his Daddy to put his hand on my belly, as soon as he did Mcakenzie started punching.We laughed and my hubby asked what I had in there, I told him it was his kid!!! Four days before his birth his cousin was born and we wnet to see him in the hospital and I was holding his cousin and Mackenzie kicked him, his cousin didn't like it. And of course the night he died and his frantic movements I'll never forget that, or stop feeling guilty that I didn't do anything to help him. I'm so sorry my sweet baby, I didn't know :(

If I could do that night over I'd go to the hospital ASAP.

the rest of Mackenzie's story

okay so we were on the way to the hospital.....

Once we arrived at the hospital around 7:00 pm we were put in a small labour room ( the ones where they just pull the curtins between the beds) anyhow we were told they would monitor baby for 20 minutes and only one person was allowed to stay with me so my husband stayed and my Mom went to the waiting room. Once all was settled the nurse took out the paddle for the monitor, plugged it in and put it on my belly, silence she looked at us and said that they had been having problems with this monitor so she'd be right back with different paddles. When she came back I saw something was wrong in her hurry she tried to plug in the paddles upside down, when they were finally right still silence, she put down the paddles and said let me try with the hand held dopler, still nothing. At that point she said she would call the doctor to do and ultrasound, I looked at her and said I want my mom and started to cry, she came back with my Mom, I don't remeber if I told her what was going on or if the nurse already had. I just remember my husband holding my hand and my mom crying with me. When the doc came in her hooked up the ultrasound, I could see a heartbeat of some sort on the screen and felt him put his hand on my wrist at that point I knew it was my heartbeat not the babies.

He turned and faced us all and said "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat." At that point we were rushed out of the room we were in. As I left I remeber hearing another babies heartbeat coming from one of the other rooms.

We were then taken to a room by ourselves, my nurse could not handle what was happening and she was soon replaced with another one, she was suach a dear sweet lady she would've brought me the moon had I asked.

I have no idea how everyone found out what was happening, but soon my Dad was there, and my brother in law ( whose baby had been born just 4 days earlier) his baby, his girlfriend,my best friend, and a bunch of family from the hubby's side were there. The one person I wish we had thought to call was my brother, he never got to hold his nephew, the only time he saw him was at the funreal home.

I was given the option I could either allow labour to happen or be induced to speed it up, I choose to be induced, the drugs were started at 10:00pm I laboured and finally asked for an epideral. The epideral was put it and we were borught a cot so everyone could sleep, still in our private room with a picture of a rose on the door so everyone was aware that the baby had passed.

I of course thought it was a mistake and the baby waould be fine. Anyhow I got my epideral at 2:40 am and the nurse came back at about 2:50 to say she was going on a break and inrtoduce the nurse that would be taking over for her. I then told her I was feeling alot ofpressure, so she quickly checked me and said that I was fuuly dilated, could she plaes go to the bathroom then she would be back and I could deliver, she really wanted to be there.

A few minutes later she came back with the doctor and they sent my brother in law to the waiting room, They told me there proablly wouldn't be a dry eye in the room once the baby was born (we still did not know if he was a boy or a girl)After I was all set up and ready to push my husband looked at me and said I can't do this. They sent him to the waiting room and allowed me to push. It did not take long and his head was born I remeber watching and as soon as the doctor turned his sweet face up at me I knew. I looked at my mom and said oh mom he's to blue. The doctor took the cord off from around his neck (Mom says it was wrapped tightly around his neck twice the doc had to cut it) and I delvered the rest of him. They took him and cleaned him and wrapped him. My Mom went to get the hubby, then they passed me my sweet baby, alot of what happened next is ablur, I did not have my baby for very long, I held him and batthed him and dressed him. I just remeber holding him. Looking at him. Kissing him. I remeber feeling him start to get cold and saying mom he's getting cold, I remeber his mouth fell open and we all held our breaths thinking maybe it's a mistake I even put my finger under his nose there was no breath. I remeber my mom telling the nurse to come take him, i put him up to my check just one more time. When I sit and think about it I can still feel his sweet face on my cheek.

The next time I saw him was at the funreal home I never held him again. I'd do just about anything to see his eyes ( I never got to see them), To tell him how much I love him (I don't know if I ever did) To hold him just one more time.

It's been ten years since my sweet angel was born and it still hurts like yesr=terday sometimes!!!!

more of Mackenzie's story

Since I have not felt like talking much less writing since the news about my middle bears, I have not written anymore about my angel baby so I thought today I would.
I left off at my 7 month, so here goes........

In my 7 month they suddenly told me that there might be something wrong with my sweet baby,(they told me that the ultrasound had shown that my babies head arms and legs were bigger then the torso which could be a problem) They sent me for a fetal assement, there I was told that my baby was altogether to small he should have been 2 pounds and they thought he was only about a pound and a half. So they scheduled another fetal for a week from then. I went home a cried. The next week they did another ultrasound and he was exatcly where he should be, I guess Mackenzie wanted his mommy to stop being a worry wart so he grew like crazy to catch up. At that fetal they told me he was gonna be just fine!!!!

The rest of the pregancy went just they way it should, my only complainets were the intense groin pain I would get if I walked to much ( the doc told me this was normal for second, third, fourth pregancies I have not ever had it again only with our angel baby), and the way my hips hurt after a full day of work. We were just so glad that the baby was okay. My then 2 year old daughter would lift my shirt for EVERYONE and tell them that our baby was in mommies tummy she was so exicted to have a brother or sister (we did not know what he was). So on we went not knowing the tragdy that was yet to come.

June 28 is my dad's birthday, we were due on Jult 1 since he was my second child I did everything I could to try to get labour going (which the hubby was against it was his first child and he was not ready for labour) I walked and walked and walked, I wnet up and down the stairs I washed all the walls in the whole house. I even cut the grass at my parents house (an acre) with a push mower. Nothing worked he was not coming out.

June 28, I was up for a long time trying to get baby to settle down, he kicked and punched (which was normal for him he did that alot, if I leaned into something he punched or kicked it, I always joked that he would have black and blue fists and feet when he was born) finally at 2 am he finally settled down suddenly, I remeber thinking wow that was a little weird I better talk to the doctor the next appointment. If only I had known the truth. I thought he sttled and went to sleep, so I went to sleep, the next day was uneventful I don`t know if he moved at all that day, as I had a very active 2 year old running around. When the hubby came home from work I lay on the sofa and had a little snooze. At 6 pm I woke up and needed the bathroom, In a half hour I had needed the bathroom 4 times, and I was begining to think something was up. I finally realized that my water had broke, and called the hubby who was cleaning the car.

He looked at me and said I`m just gonna finish this, I called my parents who quickly came and my father took big sister bear home with him and my mother came with us to the hospital. How glad I was that she was there......

I`m gonna finsh this tomorrow so tune in!!!

doctors

Our Peditriacn, left us and went back to the states, now big sister bear has an ear ache. Apparently it is my fault he left, I have phoned everysingle peditrican's office, NONE of them were taking new paitents, One was taking new paitents but not out of their area, and one said find a family doc. That in it self is not an easy thing to do. Finally got ahold of one and we have an appointment next week. That is not goos enough for big sister bear she would like to move in with her dad. I am always the horriable one who doesn't care, you know sitting on the phone for hours trying to find a doc is a totally uncaring thing to do, appartently I should have not done anything that would have been better.

Like the stress level around here isn't high enough, we now need to scream at eachother and say horriable things, I wish big sister bear would realize how hurtful the things she says are!!!!

today was d-day

Today was the day that the doc called to let us know that, our big brother bear also has PH1 (primary hyperoxaluria) so now not only do we have on bear with this silent but deadly killer we have two. Our big brother bear and our lil sister bear both have it the big sister bear (a.k.a grumpy) and the baby bear do not have it. You see it is one of those things that both parents have to have the mutated gene for the babies to have so myself and daddy bear both have it, and big sister bear and baby bear are carriers of the stupid gene. Which means one of my parents is a carrier or maybe they have the diease who knows? Right now all is up in the air and we are slowly trying to pick up the pieces of our lives that have landed at our feet. Hopefully the doses of vitamin B6 will work for both bears. Then we will not have to face transplant in the near future hopefully never.

There are however a few things to be thankful for inspite of the bad news.
1. It was caught early most people don't catch it till they are in renal failure and we caught it now while their kidney function is still good.
2. Brycen does not have it, he is only a carrier.
3. The kids are really doing well with the amount of meds they take, it can be battle with lil sis bear sometimes but for the amount of horriable meds they have to take they are doing quite well.
4. And lastly they did not find this before my bears were born cause if they had I would not have my beautiful bears and I would not trade them for anything!!!!

I do not feel like doing anything today

I don't feel like doing anything today, I fell like poo and I wish I had stayed in bed today, Our big brother bear has PH1 just like his lil sister bear..

When I was 19, living alone as a single Mom I meet someone from my past, long story short we fell in love and this is the story of our very first child. Shortly after we became engaged I started to feel like I might be pregant, so I went to the pharmacy and bought a test. I took the test one morning before work and guess what + right away. I was so exictied we were not married yet but were going to be in just 2 and a half months. We were gonna have children soon because we did not want our big sister bear to be spaced to far from her siblings. Anyhow I could not get ahold of the so to be daddy bear so I phoned my best friend in the whole world and told her. She was just as exicited as I was, The only damper was this feeling in the pit of my belly, I even told her that I would not carry this baby to term...... I think God was trying to prepare me for what was to happen.

The being of my pregancy was rough, really rough, I was a single mom and I was working full time, pregancy has never been "easy" for me I have alwasy had really bad morning sickness and Mackenzie was no expection, I guess he wanted to have some memories of him. Not only did I have morning sickness I also had the flu, it was so bad that I had to pull over on my way to work a few times, as amatter of fact, my lead hand sent me home cause I spent so much time in the bathroom. I spent a whole week in the apartment on the sofa........... and the bathroom floor, I remeber daddy bear coming home and finding me on the floorin front of the toliet he asked if I was okay (cause people normal lie in front of the toilet when they are okay)

Once the morning sickness finally finished things went well until about my 7 month.............


Come back tomorrow and I will continue his story!

yesterday I ranted today I feel better

Yesterday I ranted but today I feel better, Just so everyoneès on the same page allow me to explain, first Mackenzie Wade is my son who was stillborn 10 years ago. My sweet baby was our ( my husband and myself) first baby together he was born at 39 weeks and 6 days, he had his cord around his neck, and we did not do an autopsy. Now we have been told that PH1 could have killed him but we will never know now. PH1 is what my middle girl bear was just diagnosed with last month, she is now taking 150 mg. of vitamin B6 ( we are working our way up to 250 mg.) and she is taking 15 ml. of polycitra (you should have read the warnings with this) I guess we have to decide between the two evils and this is the lesser. So we are still waiting for results for my two boy bears for thier testing. It has been 3 and a half weeks and waiting really is the worst!!!!! So yesterday I was feeling it all, the chance that my babies will need liver transplant and possiably kidney and liver transplants that is the only cure at the moment. It is pretty scary to think that I can not go to the pharmacy and get something to fix them, but that in order to toally cure them they will need new livers. Livers do not grow on trees and we have been told that myself and the daddy bear would not be able to donate ( I have yet to confirm this as I have also heard that its possiable from people who have done it for their baby bears)

So for now we try to keep from harming our lil sister bears kidneys by druging her with things that make her tummy hurt, and pray that the damage to our brother bears kidneys is not horriable and his kidneys can be saved, and we are praying that our baby bear does not have this horriable, silent killer!!!!!

Now that you have been updated you can see why I have bad days!!! Yesterday was one of them!!!!

It's gonns be a bad day

It's gonna be bad today, First baby bear slept in our bed again!!!!!!! That means he doesn't sleep and niether do I, Second I forgot to take my meds yesterday, and it feels like I forgot the day before too!!!! Third my middle boy bear is crying about everything today, and the oldest bear (grumpy) is really grumpy today I wish she'd go back to bed ( and she wants to have a sleep over today that is gonna go really well) I'm in a not so great mood, and I gotta get this place cleaned up and I wish the kid bears could go outside!!!!

My biggest pet peeve today is that people think that my baby bears are okay cause they "look" healthy!!!! I wish people would stop telling me everything will be okay, cause it's not okay!!! Here's the deal if Mackenzie could die then so can my other babies, We have no idea how things are inside my babies, The middle boy bears kidney function has not been checked in 3 or 4 years so we have no idea what it's at, I don't know the signs of kidney function eve are!!!!

I WISH PEOPLE WOULD REALIZE THIS IS SERIOUS MY BABIES COULD DIE AND IF THEY DO I BETTER GO TO CAUSE I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT DO THIS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

I just don't wanna hear that everything is okay cause maybe they are in your world but they sure as h*** are not in mine!!!!!

That is my rant for now I hope no one has hurt feelings but that is how I feel right now!!! Thankyou for reading and Ihope you understand!!!

headaches

Today was some day!!!! I feel over yesterday (don't ask me why) and really hurt my neck , boy have I paid for it today!!! I had a MAJOR headache all day, so my sweet hubby took the kids to the store (only to come home with more junk then we should week all month!!) anyway he took them out to leave me nap. Wouldn't you know it my oldest bear ( she's grumpy bear) called again and again, and again!!! When I don't answer it, that means A: I'm not home, B: I don't wanna talk or C: I didn't get to it. I will call back I promise. Needless to say the nap DID not help. I tried eating, still nothing. So now finally after 3 advil I have found some energy!!!!

I'm fat

For allyou people out there who think I don't know I'm fat I already know that!!! I do not think it's funny when my kids call someone a name be it fat, ugly or anything else. I also do not think it is cute when your child does it!!!!

Today I was called the "fat lady" that is quite a moral boost, really think about it, someone says your fats, do you really think that we who are lager go around not realizing this!!!!

I KNOW I'M FAT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO REMIND ME!!!!!

first post!!!

Okay so this is my very first EVER!!!
So bear with me as I figure this all out!! What a morning to start to, bearly slept cause the baby bear was up all night long, of course he is now sleeping while some of the middle two bears are up, which again translates to no sleep for momma bear and papa bear is already at work. Hopefully I can at some point catch a little snooze cause man am I gonna need it or instead of being Momma bear I'll turn into a gizzly bear!!!!